Saturday, December 31, 2011

Seriously. Let it end.

J and I took ourselves out to a Japanese Steak House for dinner tonight. We had the pleasure of sharing a table with two couples both armed with small children. The women spent THE ENTIRE dinner discussing/planning when they would next get pregnant. For fucks sake- Please let this year just END.

Peace out 2011. Fo Sho.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

What I've Learned This Year

I'm a day or two early, but the weekend will be busy. 2011 sucked. I can't even try to sugar coat it. But even through all the sucky parts, I would be lying if I said I didn't learn anything.

So what I learned this year was...
1. Cancer sucks. It's scary- even when the prognosis is excellent.

2. Despite my independence, if anything were to happen to my husband, I would be useless. He is so intertwined with me now that I'm not sure I would ever want to function without him.

3. I am done doing things for the sole purpose of obligation. There's GOT to be a better reason than that. I don't always accomplish this, but I'm getting better at it.

4. J and I have an excellent 5 year plan in place. We are great at making decisions together.

5. I'm committed in the upcoming year to find some new hobbies.

6. My job is just a thing that provides me with a paycheck and fuels the 5 year plan. If I didn't need money, I would quit today with no regrets.

7. As much as I hate to admit it, I kind of love South Park.

8. Infertility is terrible. It's unfair. It's terrifying. I hope that one day I can see the other side of that coin.

9. The older I get, the more I am able to appreciate my mother and all she has done for me.

10. More and more, I understand that life never seems to go as planned.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

When I Grow Up

When I grow up, I want to be a ______________.

You'd think that when I was rounding the corner to 34 that I'd be able to fill in that blank. But yeah, no clue. When I was in my early 20's, I would have told you that I wanted to do research. Psychological research. And then I would have said that eventually, somewhere along the way, I'd like to have a family.

With all the job hating that's been going on recently, J and I have had a lot of conversation about where my job/career is going. Is this a time to think about making a change? Can we afford that? How does that change our plan? I've been up way past my bed time tonight thinking about this. I got a call for an interview tomorrow. It's pretty much the same kind of job that I have now. They promised me at least at $10,000 raise. But it's in the city. And I'm dreading even going to the interview. I'm dreading it because they will throw a bunch of money at me and ask me to come work for them. And then I'll have to fill in that blank up there.

So through all this- what I've been thinking about is my stupid infertility. Do you plan your life around something that doesn't exist yet? Something that may never exist? Or do you charge forward as if that thing wasn't what you really want most? Will that 2 hour commute to the city wreck my family life? Will I have a family life? Will I have a family?

Now that I'm in my 30's (almost mid-30's YIKES) and you asked me to fill in the blank, my first answer is that I want to be a Mom. And a $10,000 raise isn't worth compromising that goal or making it any harder than it already is.

Monday, December 26, 2011

A Not Mean Post About Christmas

Christmas was great. Or great-ish. The part with J was great. He is really the best gift giver on the planet. I am spoiled. I got a beautiful diamond and pearl necklace. He is amazeballs. He suggested that we go to Maryland early to go to church with my Mom. It was really the best gift she got. I think she appreciated us being there more than anything. And my ex-boyfriends parents sat next to her- awkward.

Then we baked cookies and got the food ready. My sister swooped in with the kids. Oh my sweet little nephew. I love him to pieces. He's almost 2 and is talking and saying Santa and Merry Christmas and Ho Ho Ho. He wants you to read books to him. He melts my heart. It's so much fun to see Christmas through their eyes.

My mom gave us a ridiculous amount of money for Christmas. And even without her telling me, I know she did it because she spends so much on my sister's kids and she feels like she has to even the score. She's so generous, but all it did was remind me that we have no kids.

I'm desperately hoping that next year's Christmas post will be different.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

An Actual Christmas Conversation

A little back story: My sister, C, has two kids. I got diamonds for Christmas from J. (I know, he's kind of awesome)

I was on the phone with my sister today asking her about what her plans were for the day.
J was talking with my mom.

My mom: "C is jealous that you get Kathy diamonds for Christmas."
J: "Kathy would gladly trade everything in the universe for her two kids."

And THAT is why I married J.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Dear Santa,

What would I like from Santa this year? Really- I just want the year to end. I sit here after working 60 hours in 4 days and when I think about Christmas, I'd just like it to be over. I'm having a hard time finding any joy in the holidays this year. My job has managed to suck the life out of me in the last three weeks. I've been cranky and pretty miserable.

Next year has to be better, right? What is worse than finding out you have cancer? Please please please- don't let it get worse than that. I'm trying not to live my life 6 months in advance, but I'm semi-terrified of the roller coaster ahead of me. Terrified that things won't work out yet again and that I'll spend another Christmas being sad about how the year turned out.

So Santa, you can skip the presents. Just bring me a fresh start.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Ornament Exchanage

On the message board I am active on- 3T- we did a holiday ornament exchange. I got this awesome package in the mail today from Emily. Orange sparkly ornaments and homemade english toffee! SCORE! The ornaments glow with the lights on the tree. I love orange- it's my absolute favorite. I really think that there is something awesome about snail mail. Even when you kind of know it's coming. It seems like it arrives exactly on the day you need it. I love you 3T girls. <3

A Few Things

I'm seriously a blogging slacker. SORRY!

1. I took a mental health day from work yesterday. I was in a total panic about not having time to get everything I need to get done accomplished at home so I stayed home and did all of it. And now I'm in a total panic about getting all my work done at work. I can't win.

2. I've learned that my husband shops for toys specifically for the purpose of torturing my cat.

3. I'm desperately seeking a job working for Uncle Sam. Anyone got a hook up??

4. I spent last weekend with my high school friends. I'm hoping that we'll spend one weekend together every Christmas season. I'm so thankful to have them in my life.

5. I hate myself for not doing picture Christmas cards this year. They are so much less work. Totally selfish reason for doing it, but the truth.

6. J is giving me a complex about Christmas. There are about 10 things under the tree for me. Show off!

7. Pretty sure I'm going to fail at my reading challenge this year. I'm reading like a freak trying to catch up. 50 books in a year doesn't sound like a lot, but holy shiz it really is.

8. We're going to J's company Christmas party this weekend. They are putting us up in a hotel. I'm getting wasted and having hotel sex. Trust.

9. I have spent the entire day fighting the urge to cry. Why? No reason really. Just general life suckage.

10. I'm newly addicted to playing Hangin with Friends. Like Words With Friends, but hangman. Wanna play? I'm Kathy4678.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Holiday Travel

I'm going to Maine. Humph.

I went to work last week and was told that I would be going to Maine on December 12 and would be gone until Christmas and then back to Maine in January. I was pissed. No one asked me if I could travel, if I had plans. Nothing. I went into a panic thinking about how I was going to finish Christmas shopping and holiday stuff before leaving. J's family was doing Christmas on an "off" day this year since my Brother in law's family was traveling to Michigan for Christmas. I made them change the day of their celebration so I could be there. And I resigned myself to two weeks in Maine. The travel side aside- the job I'll be doing in Maine blows. I'll be working in a call center. It's a job they could train anyone off the street to do. It's a huge slap in the face from my supervisors.

I went to work the next day and was told that all the plans had changed and I would be flying to Maine on the 28th and would be spending the new year there and coming home the following week. After I had rearranged my whole life. Awesome.

That was last week. Travel arrangements still haven't been made. Nothing is final. There is a solid chance that I'll be ringing in the New Year in Maine. Alone. Working. In a call center. Seems so appropriate considering the year I've had, right?

Needless to say- the job hunt is ON.

Holiday Crafts

In my attempts to enjoy the holidays, I've been crafting again. I'm spending the weekend with my girlfriends and I decided to make them homemade sugar scrubs for their hands and feet. I found the recipes on Pinterest. (Duh. Where do all my craft ideas come from?) They were cheap and easy to make. They smell delish! I made Pina Colada, Fresh Squeezed Lemonade, Pumpkin Pie, and Dark Chocolate Brownie. Cute gift ideas!

Here are the finish products!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

My Tree

J and I finally decorated our tree.

I guess it makes me feel more Christmas-ish, but not really. There is a whole separate post about what's currently ruining my holiday. But until I have time to post about stupid Maine, I'll show you some of my favorite ornaments.

J bought this for me for our first Christmas together. Awe.

This is from a collection of ornaments from the Franklin Mint. My family started collecting these 18k gold ornaments each year since my parents were married. Now J and I have our own collection going. And we will keep that tradition going into our family. Here is the 2011 ornament- Away in a Manger.

This ornament is from my Grandmother's collection. Each of her grandchildren (there are 9 of us) split up her Christmas ornaments after she passed away a little over 3 years ago. This one is my favorite of hers.
There are a ton more on the tree, but those are some of the greatest hits.

Monday, December 5, 2011

What Made Me Laugh Today

No idea, but I cried from laughing. CRIED.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Blogging Ideas

I need new topics. My IF life is on hold. I've been pretty boring lately. So I found some interesting things that may provide some good blogging. Answer these questions:

1. When do the ends justify the means?

2. Tell me about the one that got away. A friend, lover, job.

3. Would you rather read minds or live forever?

4. Tell me about what you miss.

Answers to come in future posts.

Lots more things

1. I'm still a workin fool. It's retirement season and we're busy little bees. I hope that things will chill out after the holidays. Sadly, my blogging has suffered cause of my work schedule. Lamesauce.

2. J and I went away for Thanksgiving. It was glorious. Absolutely glorious. We spent four full days doing nothing but hanging out with each other. It was good to refill the husband time tank. I was in desperate need of a break from life and it was amazing.

3. I have moved further and further away from my sister. I love her kids, but she makes me want to vag punch her. She's so damn selfish and it makes me crazy.

4. I've become close with another one of my efriends- B- and I have never wanted to send someone an ehug more in my life. BP if you are reading this- know that I am sending you love all the way to AZ and back.

5. I am exhausted all the time recently. I want to blame my thyroid, but I'm sure it's probably because all I do is work and sleep and when I'm not working, I want to be sleeping. And I'm getting fatter by the day. Awesome.

6. I've made good headway with Christmas shopping. And it's just barely December. GO ME!

7. It's December. Holy Crap. I'd like to say that I'm shocked and the time has gone so fast, but I would like to speed through December. 2011 sucked and I'd like to forget it happened.

8. I think that I'm caught in a strange dichotomy- I post on message boards that bombard me with baby stuff. I do this willingly because my efriends are there. But continuing this is really contributing to my internal bitterness. I just can't quit you, efriends.

9. My in laws are getting a divorce. It's turning into a 120% cluster fuck. I'm terrified that my mother in law will want to live with us. And then I'm terrified that J will let her.

10. Next weekend I'm spending the weekend with my favorites. The girls from this post. Spending time with them is good for my soul. Plus I'll get to bake. And give gifts. I can't wait.

Blog Award!

I got a blog award! Whoop Whoop!! A few days ago I was lucky enough to receive the Liebster Blog award from a wonderful blogger and efriend whose blog you can find HERE. The award is specifically designed for blogs with under 200 followers.

I must pay it forward and introduce you to some of my favorites. Check these girls out when you have some time.

2. Adorable Tales of the E, W, and the Foosa at Growing a Foosa
5. Megan at Hoping for Baby B

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Where I've Been

Well working, really. Work is 110% insanity right now. I hate my work life THE MOST. I day dream of pushing my manager off the roof or hanging myself by the blind cords daily. Ok- that may sound a little extreme, but I certainly threaten.

So I've been working. And I've been sad. Time marches on and I get more and more sad. I'm pretty good at faking that I'm fine. But I'm not sure that I am. I'm sad every time I think about this situation that I'm in. I'm sad thinking about what happens to us if IVF doesn't work. I'm sad when I find out that people are having baby #2 already. I can feel myself growing resentful of my own sister when I watch her with her own children. I judge her every parenting move and all I can think of is why her and not me?

In the Infertile world- the word bitter is a dangerous term. You don't call someone bitter. But what about calling yourself bitter? Cause I think I'm headed there. It's becoming pretty challenging for me not to want to drown myself in a giant tank of self pitty. I'm feeling increasingly fucked over by the universe each day. Faking it is exhausting. I'm fine! I'm happy about your pregnancy! I don't think it's bad if you tell your son that his father is a dick! It's great!

So that's kind of where I've been. I'm trying not to drag my blog down the drain with me. Every time I think I should post- it's about something depressing.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Where did my things go?

Two weeks deep and no blogging. My life has gone to crap lately. Work is 150% out of control and super mega busy so I'm behind on my blogging. I'll be back soon!!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Facebook blows.

Once I posted about the day that I ran into the girl from high school in my RE's office. Today Facebook told me that she had a baby girl. :::le sigh:::

I shouldn't care, but lately I feel like puking. I hate feeling jealous of other people. I'd like to be satisfied with what I've been given in life. Infertility sucks.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Holy Shiz it's Tuesday already?

I can barely keep up. Here we go.

1. Three weeks from tomorrow, we are leaving for South Carolina. Seriously. Can't.Happen.Soon.Enough. For realsies.

2. The approaching holidays are bumming me out in a serious way. Another stupid Christmas with no kids. If we could skip to January, it would really work out best for me. MMMmmmkay?

3. I got to see my niece and nephew last weekend and I love them. I melt when I see them. Except for the part when I spend the WHOLE time giving my sister a HUGE side eye for her parenting choices. I know, I know- when I have my own, I'll see what it's like. Whatever. My 18 month old nephew ate a block of Styrofoam while she sat on the couch. I can't deal.

4. Spending my whole life at work is not helping me deal with anything. I should know that by now.

5. I bailed on birth control. Stupid? Maybe. But let's be real- no sperm = no baby. So whatevs.
Oh and then you would have to have sex too. There's that. Humph.

6. J's birthday is in 13 days. Guess who has NO clue what to get him? That's right- THIS girl.

7. I just realized that all my things are super negative. I'm having a good hair day today. There's my one good thing. Ha!

8. I HAVE to get my ass on the elliptical machine before it gets any bigger!! Yikes!

9. The only TV show that I like watching- Top Chef- (random, right??) is starting a new season tonight. Whoop Whoop!!

10. Our anniversary is coming up in two weeks. We decided to get ourselves a joint present and get a new piece of furniture. The 2nd Anniversary gift is wood, after all!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Controlling the Birth

Or not?

So I had radiation treatment in July. And all the doctors told me NO BABIES for one year. My OB told me to go back on birth control. In my head, I thought- for what? I mean essentially no sperm = no babies anyway, right? Well my theory was that with my shitty luck- I would be the one to get pregnant like a minute after glowing from the radiation and then be terrified that I did something horrible to my child. So I did what I was told and I went back on birth control. And I hate it.

So now I think I've decided to just peace out on the birth control. I HATE it. And while I know that's not the best reason- It's starting to push me in that direction. What I really need to do is some research on radiation iodine and pregnancy in the pretty freakin slim chance that I do end up knocked up. I think my endocrinologist would HATE me if that happened, but I don't think it will anyway. So maybe some research and THEN a decision.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Ten More Things

1. <------That is my Boo Kitty. My first love. Isn't he sweet?

2. How is it Tuesday already? I barely had time to think of my 10 things and BAM- Tuesday again. I guess I should be thankful that the time is passing quickly, right?

3. J and I booked all our activities for our Thanksgiving trip to Charleston, SC! We're doing a night time walking tour of a haunted JAIL. SCORE! I love a good jail.

4. Work is total crazycakes right now. I'm walking a fine line between not being a manager and being a manager. My boss wants me to be a manager and I'm trying so hard not to be, but she is sucking me in. Not cool, man. Not cool.

5. We've decided to take our niece and nephew on a fun outing once a month. October was RenFest, November- we ice skate! Aunt Kathy hasn't been ice skating in a hot minute so that should be interesting. I'd just like to not break an ankle.

6. Alexa Jane is here!! My good friend M had her baby girl and now I have another baby! Happy Birthday Alexa and welcome to the world!! I love you already.

7. I started Christmas shopping. Please refer to last week's 10 things. :::pats self on the back:::

8. I decided that I'm going to roll some serious dice and just ditch birth control. I think the percent chance that I'll legit get pregnant without intervention is about zero so I figure, why bother?

9. I was supposed to start exercising this week. Maybe on Monday?

10. I challenged myself to read 50 books in 2011. I'm like 13 books behind and feeling the pressure!! How will I ever finish?!?! AHHH!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Android Blogging

Am I cool enough to blog from my phone?? Probably not.

Anyone else a mobile blogger?? This app kind of sucks. Is there a better way??

Ten Things on Tuesday

1. Pictures of numbers from 1 through 10 are not as cool as this cat with badass lazerz. Just sayin.

2. This is my 250th blog post. When I started this blog, I thought for sure by now I'd be posting about my kid.

3. We just booked a trip to Charleston, SC for Thanksgiving. That's right- we're bailing on having Thanksgiving with our families. And I'm kind of excited about that. We're calling it our "anniversary" trip, but really- we're dodging Thanksgiving.

4. We spent all day Sunday with my 6 year old niece and 3 year old nephew. I'm still exhausted. We had a long conversation on the way home from dropping them off that maybe just one kid would be nice.

5. My little 18 month old nephew James spent the weekend in the hospital with RSV. Sadness. He's fine now, but kind of scary.

6. I'm desperate to wean myself off Starbucks. I've been spending too much money and too many calories on Grande Toffee Nut Lattes. Even though they are yummy. Goodbye Starbucks Gold Card. I'll miss you.

7. I'm making plans this week to meet one of my most favorite eFriends, Heather (MySweetBaboo). She's traveling my way for Thanksgiving and I'm dying to meet her. She is amazeballs and I can't wait to hug her, as cheesy as that sounds.

8. I wish I could be one of those people who started Christmas shopping uber early and was done super early. Except I'm not and then I curse myself when I'm fighting through people a week before Christmas. I'm determined not to be that girl this year. Must.Start.Shopping.

9. I'm becoming an Etsy junkie. I love buying from Etsy. I have so many favorites. I lurve it.

10. Last Saturday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I spent the day thinking of my friends who have experienced loss and remembering their little ones. Lots of elove to my Angels Charlotte and Adam.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Max: 1, Porta-Potty: 0

This weekend J and I took our niece and nephew to the Maryland Renaissance Festival. After all my time growing up in Maryland, I've never been to the Ren Fest. And now I know why.

I'm not into Renaissance Festival stuff. I don't like to dress up and drink grog and eat things off sticks. It was fun to bring the kids- we did pony rides and face painting. We got to be the totally awesome Aunt and Uncle who will buy you stuff, load you with sugar, and then send you home to Mom and Dad!

We've been telling Max for a while now that he couldn't come on our fun adventures until he was sporting some big boy pants. Aunt Kathy and Uncle J don't do diapers! So he's about 2 months deep on the potty training and all out of diapers. It was our first outing with Max. Well the Ren Fest has no indoor plumbing- it's a 100% porta-potty kinda place. Max had never used a porta potty before and 100% REFUSED to even try. He wanted nothing to do with it. I even made J go in and "show" him how it's done. But no dice. We had to leave and take him to a Burger King. ha ha

The strangest part was driving around with two kids seats strapped into our car. All I could do was think about how I wanted them to be mine.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Ten Things on Tuesday

On Wednesday....

So a little late, but that's ok. I've been a lazy blogger lately. So hopefully 10 Things will keep things up to date a little better when I don't have time for big long blog entries.

1. I survived a second trip to the dentist. I went all by myself- no adult supervision. No sedation. I got the needles and everything. Pretty impressed with myself. One more appointment and I should be done with that hot mess.

2. I got sick last week. I hate being sick. But hopefully my one sickness of the season and I'm back to good health.

3. My trip to Maine has been postponed indefinitely. So probably won't be eating a lobster anytime soon. And Hi to the Machias lady who commented on my blog- sorry I won't be visiting.

4. J's new job came with a new schedule. While I usually had the early morning to myself, now we're bumping into each other trying to get ready and I've had to adjust my whole "getting ready" process. Not fun. Needless to say, I've been getting to work SUPER early and that puts me in bed at 9 like a senior citizen. Lamesauce.

5. J's new job came with a new paycheck. YEAH! We're in the midst of getting our finances organized and going on financial lock down so we can prepare for the future- whatever it may bring.

6. My husband now officially weighs less than me. A depressing day. Time to get crackin on that.

7. I realized this week that there aren't any television shows that I watch on the regular. I just watch whatever J has on- usually not something I would pick. If we got rid of cable, I would survive.

8. I watched season 1 of The Tudors while ill and it's like soft core porn. I'm certain that Henry VIII had syphilis.

9. I made a recipe from Pinterest the other day for dinner and it turned out to be inedible. J ended up having a sandwich for dinner. I did, however, make a successful lunch- and learned that you could pretty much wrap a shoe in crescent rolls and it would taste good.

10. I have to yell at people at work tomorrow. Well not really "yell" at them, but more like scold them. I'm so non-confrontational that my manager is sitting in on the meetings to make sure I don't go soft. bleh.

Happy Tuesday!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I cried last night.

Somehow I ran across this video last night:

Warning: It's sad. You will ugly cry. You've been warned. Just sayin.

And I did the ugly cry about having a baby for the first time in a looooong time. I'm getting more and more anxious about getting back to baby making. I wish I could start now. I hate waiting.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Imaginary Insurance Coverage

J got a new job- YEAH! This means a bigger paycheck for us, which is never a bad thing. Ever since I have known that this was coming, I've been DYING to get my paws on the insurance card. Dying to call about the coverage. And a little bit-in my head- I had already decided that we were going to go from being 100% out of pocket for all our IVF expenses, to 100% covered and in the clear. I was doing a mental happy dance about it already.

I finally got the ID and group number- called to the customer service number- and then they told me there is no coverage for infertility or ART procedures. :::insert sound of balloon deflation here:::

So I know I shouldn't be THAT disappointed. But my imaginary infertility coverage was awesome. And now it's gone again. And we're back to saving every penny so we can try to have a baby.

Monday, October 3, 2011

No Maine

My trip was cancelled! Yahoo!!

So I'm not in Maine. And couldn't be happier about that.

Monday, September 26, 2011


I've always wanted to travel for work. Secretly I always wanted to build up airline miles and hotel points and use them for my own personal gain. Plus when I was younger, it always sounded so fancy. "I'm traveling for work this week." How grown up, right?

And now I'm traveling for work and I have no desire. I love my bed and I can't sleep well without my husband. Lame, right? It looks like I'm headed to Machias, ME for two weeks. Yes- Machias, Maine is a real place. Population 2,500. There are more moose than men in Machias. So just about the only thing in Machias is the call center that I'm going to visit and a bunch of lobsters. I'm pretty sure that the place that we are staying is much closer to Canada than it is to Machias.

Here is my list of reasons that I'm not happy about going to Machias:
1. I'm going to Maine with two co-workers. One is at least 70 and one is 26. Quite the trio, aren't we? My 70 year old co-worker is most upset that there is no Walmart in Machias. Please god let us have more than one rental car.

2. I'm not quite sure that I'll have cell phone service in Machias. Sadface. How will I talk to JC?

3. Internet access = questionable. I mean people in Machias have to use the internet, right?!?! Off the grid for two weeks? I legit need the internet for work so this could really suck.

4. Husband-less for two weeks. I hate that part the most.

5. Too many unknowns. I'm a planner. I need to have a plan. Can I do laundry in Machias? Can I call people? What do I need to wear to this place? What is the schedule like? No plans sucks.

6. It's already freezing in Machias.

But on the bright side- I can get a lobster for like $3 in Machias, I'll probably get to see a Moose up close, and go to Canada. Hopefully there are good magnets too.

Monday, September 19, 2011

It's D Day.

Dentist Day.

So I had my first full blown all out panic attack today. At the CONSULTATION- no work actually done to my teeth. Like the kind when you can't take a full breath and I felt so hot that I thought I may pass out. And I was doing the ugly cry. It was a stellar performance. J was checking me in at the dentist while the dentist himself was trying to calm me the fvck down. Seriously- this isn't normal. Not even a little bit. Once I got in the chair I was ok, thankfully.

The good news- I survived the consultation.
The bad news- I need 2 root canals. FML.

There will be sedation involved. I'm already armed with happy pills for the night before. I don't want to remember even one second of it. I go back on next Wednesday. NO FUN.

P to the S- J was Super Husband today. He offered to hold my hand the whole time and didn't even laugh at me while I was busy making a complete and total ass of myself. He is amazing.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I was up at 4am

And clearly finishing every single blog entry I had saved as a draft. I have one left, but I had to leave for work. I was having dreams of my teeth falling out mixed with dreams of screaming at my manager. All miserable. I've been a blogging slacker and hopefully will get better.

I did finally make an appointment at the dentist. I'm going next week. The panic is slowly increasing.

Monday, September 12, 2011

On Days Like Today...

I need a new job. My day started out with an 8:15am scolding from my manager. When will she ever learn that people are not perfect. Mistakes happen. No one will die because someone makes a mistake at my job. I will never understand why some people (like my manager) are hateful just for the sake of being hateful. What does that get you? Everyone ends up miserable.

On one hand, she is DESPERATE to be my friend and on the other she scolds me like I'm a child. If I left my job and was asked what made me leave- it would be her. And 100% no other reason.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Yard Sale: FAIL.

We finally had our yard sale today. It had been rescheduled three times because of rain. Just in case you are wondering- Labor Day Weekend is not a good time for a yard sale.

The last time we had a yard sale- people were standing outside our house waiting for me to bring the stuff outside. It was total chaos. There were so many people there you couldn't keep track of all of them. This time- it was like tumbleweed rolling through the yard. We probably made about $100 and sold about one sixth of the stuff we had put out for sale. Most of the stuff was from my mom's house that we had brought in hopes that we could make some cash, but no dice. It was all carted off to Goodwill.

Yard Sale = Epic Fail.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Cooking Class

On our quest to get out and do some new and different activities- Friday night we went to a cooking class. We went to Cookology and it was "Southern Cuisine" night. We all wore chef hats and aprons. J's hat didn't fit which made for lots of good jokes.

I'm sad that my phone was dead and I didn't take any pictures. But we made breaded pork chops with an heirloom tomato gravy. They were served with some insanely rich garlic mashed potatoes and green beans. I have to admit that never have I ever had so much butter in one meal in my whole life. So good, but so bad for you. We topped it off with easy to make apple tarts. Those we plan on making at home. I was still full the next morning.

It's so nice to be able to spend time with J now. We have the time and ability to share each other's company and do these new things together and I'm loving that right now.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Hello September!

September is here! Bye Bye Summer! Time is moving quickly. Not so sure if that is good or bad, really.

September is Thyroid Cancer Awareness Month!!

So what does that mean, hmmm?? It means you should take a few minutes and learn about your thyroid. Next time you go for a physical- ask your doctor to feel your neck. They can sometimes feel any abnormal lumps or bumps on your thyroid just through a short painless physical exam of your neck. If you have a known thyroid condition- GO TO AN ENDOCRINOLOGIST. DO NOT have it monitored by a family doctor, OB/GYN, or any other doctor. You need to see a specialist!!

When you see someone with a scar on their throat or neck- do them a favor- Quit staring at it. They already know it's there.

You can learn more about Thyroid Cancer Awareness by going here:

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Irrational Fears

Mine is the Dentist.

I chipped a tooth this weekend. I have now had exactly two panic attacks thinking about going to the dentist to get it fixed. I've contemplated what the worst case scenario would be if I just didn't go and left it there broken. It's in the back and you can't see it. So that makes it ok, right?

I had a terrible dentist as a child and I have been told several times that I have genetically bad teeth- prone to cavities and the like. Awesome right? Get in line with my Cancer and Infertility problems, Bad Teeth. Oh and the arthritis too. Let's not forget that. Anyway- my childhood dentist scared me for life and I have been wrecked ever since. I have spent the last hour googling "Sedation Dentistry" in hopes that it will help ease my fears and fix my jacked tooth.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Date Night: A Review

Last week, I got asked out on a date. By my husband. It was pretty cute. He even told me I should dress up. I lurve him.

He took me to Bazins on Church. They had a tasting menu so we decided to do that- all three courses. I think I'm still full. We drank wine and ate our food. We talked about what was going on at work. J is job interviewing (he's always interviewing) and had been to two separate ones yesterday. We talked about his career goals. We talked about long term goals. We talked about how we want to plan for the future.

What we didn't talk about: Babies, IVF, Sperm, Cancer. It was GLORIOUS. I would be lying if I said that I'm not enjoying this break. I'm enjoying being a non-TTC married girl. I'm sure as I get closer to treatment, that will change. But for now, I'm basking in the status quo.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


Um, WTF?!? So this afternoon there was an earthquake. Like a for real earthquake. 5.9 earthquake to be exact. I can't lie- living and working close to the Nations Capitol- the first thing I thought of was Terrorist Attack. I mean I've lived her for-ev-er and never experienced an earthquake. It was pretty scary. The best part of an afternoon earthquake is getting to leave work early.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Crafting Update!

I made coasters!! Pretty exciting, huh? Pinterest has inspired me to be crafty. I have to admit- I am NOT crafty. So all this crafting, knitting business is pretty strange territory for me. Coasters was a good start. I've developed a deep love of Modge Podge and can't wait to see what else I can do with it. Here is how they turned out.

Step 1: Procure scrapbook paper, measure and cut into 4x4 squares
Step 2: Modge Podge squares to 4x4 tiles
Step 3: After drying overnight- spray with clear acrylic
Step 4: Line back with felt

And VOILA! Coasters. And all the while I'm singing The Beastie Boys song "She's Crafy" in my head.

Blogger Woes

I am a blog whore. I read about a billion blogs. Ok- probably not a billion, but quite a few. And lately- Blogger has been not letting me comment on my favorite blogs.

So I just wanted to give a shout out to one of my favorite bloggers- Kelly- I'm sending you eleventy billion ehugs. I hope you are well and I think of you often- even when I can't comment. xoxo

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Are you Pinning??

Let's discuss Pinterest. I'm in love. I feel like I'm starting to think about what my "style" is. I'm decorating my house with it. It's inspired me to be crafty. I'm making coasters this weekend. I'm the owner of modge podge. Me- crafty? Who knew?? See that new quote in that blue box up there? It's a repin and a new fave of mine.

I'm loving trying new things. All the crafting and the knitting (ok- just casting on still, but it's a start!) is making me feel like there is more to life than trying to get pregnant. And I think along the way I forgot about that. I'm determined to be happy this year. Relentless Optimism strikes again.

And since I'm a whore...

Follow Me on Pinterest

Monday, August 15, 2011



I went to the Endo today and he doth proclaim it that I am CANCER FREE!! I have a 99.6% chance that the cancer will never come back. Thems pretty good odds. YAHOO!! It's really the best news I've had in a long, long while. And any good news is welcome in this camp.

So here's the plan- I go back in 6 months for a follow up with blood work and a physical exam of my neck- just to make sure there are no lumps or bumps. 6 months after that, I'll have a specific set of blood work done- thyrogen induced thyroglobulin blood test done. Thyroglobulin is the "cancer marker" in the thyroid bloodwork. It should be very, very, very low. And right now- it is. So in a year- they will give me thyrogen to try to spike it. If it stays like it is now- we're in the clear! I expect no surprises.

And now I can return to my non-cancer having life. I'll take my synthroid and forget that the last three months ever happened.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

No News

Is good news, right? In this camp- that is for sure.

No new blog entries lately- I guess I was on blogging hiatus. And really- there was nothing going on. Ok, this may be a lie, but nothing huge. I have lots to blog about. I'm working on my To Do List and learning to enjoy my time off the baby making trail. So I'll be back to blogging soon!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

It's Official

I'm back on Birth Control. A complete full circle. I know it's only temporary, but it feels like I've gone backward. I swear that after this little episode, I'll never take it again. I hope it doesn't make me feel like shiz.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

To Do List: Revised

I'm slowly adding to the list...

1. Take golf lessons
2. Learn to knit
3. Read a book a week
4, Drop at least one dress size
5. Spend at least 2 full days at a spa
6. Visit Texas
7. Go on vacation with my husband
8. See my niece and nephew at least once a month
9. Decorate my house- mostly look for things to put on the walls
10. Have 2 yard sales
11. Plant a vegetable garden
12. Have a girls weekend with my online friends
13. Go camping for the first time ever
14. Spend more time in DC- finally learn my way around
15. Go on a date once a month with my husband

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

A Note from my Endo

Hi Kathy,

Good news. Looks like what they saw in the lungs was an artifact. When they switched you to a different camera, the uptake in the lung disappeared. They are confident there is no metastatic disease. And certainly with your stimulated thyroglobulin being <0.5, that would support there being no spread of cancer as well.


Translation: NO MORE CANCER!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Bad News Today

Today I went to the hospital for my post treatment scan. They repeated all the scans that they did the morning I was admitted. They do a whole body scan, a scan of the neck, and of the chest. They sent me back to the waiting room to prepare the films and make sure that they had everything they needed. The technician came out and told me that they needed to repeat the chest films. So we repeated the chest films and I went back to waiting.

The technician came out again, sat down next to me, and told me in a hushed voice that there was a "spot" on the chest scan and that I would need to come back again tomorrow for another scan. They want to be able to compare the scans from last week to the scans from today to the scans from tomorrow and determine what the spot is.

I don't really know what that means. I just know that I'm scared. I'm scared that tomorrow I will find out that the spot is more cancer. J is still out of town so I will be going to the scan alone. I hope I won't have to get more bad news while I'm there alone.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

How I will spend the next year.

I've been making a mental list of things I'd like to accomplish in the next year. Might as well use my time wisely, right?

1. Take golf lessons
2. Learn to knit
3. Read a book a week
4, Drop at least one dress size
5. Spend at least 2 full days at a spa
6. Visit Texas
7. Go on vacation with my husband
8. See my niece and nephew at least once a month
9. Decorate my house- mostly look for things to put on the walls
10. Have 2 yard sales
11. Plant a vegetable garden
12. Have a girls weekend with my online friends

What else can I add to this list?? Any ideas??


JC left this morning for Idaho. His grandmother passed away and her funeral is Monday. It's a very odd situation. J has never spoken kindly of his grandmother- in fact no one in his family has. I've never met her and since I've known J- he's only seen her once. I think he's really going out because his mom needs help getting things squared away.

So I'm on my own. It's a double edged sword. It's nice cause without J here, I'm not confined to the guest room- I have the run of the house. But at the same time, there's not even anyone here to talk to anymore. True isolation.

Tomorrow will be better. At least I'll be working. Almost over.

Saturday, July 23, 2011


That's right. I have reached the end the internet. There is nothing left to see. I have been watching the worst television ever. I even watched a show called Crime Scene Cleaners. Gross. I guess I could read? Or do some work?

If you were on lock down, blog readers, what would you do to pass the time??

Friday, July 22, 2011

363 days

Until we can try to have a baby.

Wednesday it was confirmed by the Endo and the Nuclear Med peeps that we have to wait a full year until we can safely have a baby. And honestly, after seeing all the precautions and how seriously this is taken by the hospital staff, I'm not sure I would feel ok with anything less.

So I'm back on birth control. How did I get all the way back here??

Thursday, July 21, 2011


Not too much, but still glowy :)

I survived radiation iodine. And it's all finished. I wish I could have written stuff down while I was in there, but I couldn't take anything out with me cause of the contamination so that was a no go.

But let me describe a bit. I had my I-123 full body scan Wednesday morning. They gave me a small dose of radiation on Tuesday and then I returned to see where the "uptake" occurred. This would essentially determine if the cancer had spread anywhere else and help them determine the treatment dose for Wednesday afternoon. I got the results immediately after the scan and everything looked clear- especially the lungs and neck which was great news! No more cancer!

So I waited around for them to get the dose of I-131 (treatment dose) in house. I was admitted around 1:30pm and taken to my room. It was a pretty standard hospital room except EVERYTHING was covered in plastic or some disposable coverings. The phone, the door handles, the remote control, the ENTIRE floor- everything covered. Gloves taped to the walls everywhere in case I would need to touch anything that was not covered. The radiation safety guy came in to quiz me and make sure I understood all the rules and safety precautions. Lots of rules. I thought they were a bit of overkill before, but seeing all the paperwork and how seriously they take everything at the hospital, I guess I realized it wasn't anything to mess around with. So I signed my life away and pinkie swore that I won't make out with anyone or serve anyone food for 7 days (14 for kids). They came up with the pill in a lead box. I took it and they left me alone.

I fasted for two hours and then they brought me dinner. I ate and the showering started. In order for the radiation to leave your body- it comes out of your pours, your bladder, any bodily fluids. So all night long- starting at about 6pm- I showered every two hours. You drink, you eat lemon flavored candy (to produce extra saliva), and you shower. My hair is like straw. Sleeping with wet hair is not fun. Plus the air conditioning was making it FREEZING in my room. So I'm pretty tired today.

So when I took the pill, they measured my radiation levels and I was at a 25. I have no idea what that means, they just told me that before I could leave- I had to be at a 14. The more you drink (and pee, really...) the faster you get ride of the bad stuff. This morning when they checked me, I was at a 4.5. I was cleared to go home!

So now I'm at home, tucked away in my upstairs nook. I've already had some cheese and have enjoyed every.single.bite. Nothing left to do now, but wait it out. Lockdown ends in 7 days and I finally get my life back.

PS- if you read all that, you get a delish snack full of iodine.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Sometimes men SUCK.

If we ever get divorced, instead of "irreconcilable differences" it will be because of Play Station 3. Ever since we have acquired a PS3, DH has spent a *serious* quantity of time playing Fall Out Vegas. I seriously could shoot myself.

Meanwhile I've been cooking and cleaning and doing laundry. Others have offered to make dinner, but JC? Not even once. No help with laundry. No help with grocery shopping. Tonight I asked him if he had called the RE or the Uro to make appointments (ya know...try to follow up on the zero sperm issue) and did he do that? Um, nope. Seriously. PISSED.

I am his wife. Not his mother. I feel like I have to tell him he's not allowed to play with his toys until all the chores are done. And now I'm going to be in the hospital tomorrow and we're barely speaking.


Thyrogen Shot #2

No crying today...well not yet at least. A wicked headache again, but it went away a bit faster. I didn't even get lost coming out of DC. (pats self on the back)

And then I went grocery shopping. And I bought an OBSCENE amount of cheese. Cream cheese, mac and cheese, cheese-its. If it's cheesy- I bought it.

I have dreams of an Iodine filled Thursday.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Thyrogen Shot #1


Ok so the shot itself, while an intramuscular injection, was totally painless. About an hour after I got the shot, I had a HORRID headache. And just didn't feel right. Not really sick to my stomach or dizzy, but just off. I decided after getting the shot, that I would come back to work. Big mistake. I couldn't concentrate and ended up crying in my cube. I hate crying at work.

I'll be going home after tomorrow's shot.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Maybe new hope?

I was reading my Nuclear Medicine binder last night- getting ready for my radiation safety precautions- and in the binder it specifically states that you shouldn't get pregnant for SIX MONTHS after treatment.

Hmmm...six months I can get down with! Something I'll have to bring up to the endo!

Monday, July 11, 2011


Did a little shopping this weekend to prepare for RAI next week. I was surprised to find out how much stuff I would need. I had to get stuff that is pretty much disposable. All of it will be thrown away after my week of isolation.

I had to get:

  • Queen set of sheets

  • Two Bath Towels

  • Toiletries to include a toothbrush, shampoo, conditioner, and body wash

  • 2 sets of clothes- one for sleeping and one for day time

  • Socks and underwear

I also bought drinks to bring to the hospital and lemon flavored candy.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Who needs sperm anyway.

JC went to freeze another sample today. A back up to the back up, I guess.
The RE called today to tell us there were exactly zero living sperm in the sample. Not even one.

Like always- just when I think I'm on the upswing- something sends me plummeting into the depths of despair. I haven't cried in two weeks and now I'm trying desperately to stop.

I fucking hate infertility. I hate this roller coaster. I'm ready to give up and we haven't even started.

Free Dinner? OK!

My friend D (from THIS post) offered to make me dinner tonight- an offer that from anyone except her, I would have politely turned down. Part of the low iodine diet is just having control over what's in your food. And some people don't understand how strict the diet actually is so I would be too nervous that they wouldn't follow all the rules. But D has been through TWO rounds of Radiation Iodine. She is a low iodine PRO. Her ThyCa cookbook is well worn in and dog-eared.

She made us:
Pork Carnitas
Fresh Salsa
Candied Almonds
Chocolate Pudding Cake
Fresh Applesauce

This is the best gift anyone could ever give me these days! I didn't have to cook a thing and got to take all the leftovers home. I have the best friends.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

New Insurance

Good News!
JC got a new job. So along with a raise (YEAH!) that means we'll get new insurance. I told him that this job offer is contingent on the insurance plan. When you have Cancer, you can't mess around with health insurance. It's got to be the real deal.

It's a small company and they told him they have the "Cadillac" of health plans. So I'm hoping that this means all my thyroid docs will be within the network and none of that will have to change. I refuse to leave my endo!

And maybe, just maybe...we'll get infertility coverage out of this. Does IVF fit in that Cadillac??

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I'm going to be famous-ish!

My oldest friend, S, called me last week to ask me how I felt about talking about my infertility. She was asking because a friend of hers who is a freelance writer was looking for pairs of friends dealing with difficult life situations (infertility, death of a loved one, etc.) and S told her about us. She asked if I wouldn't mind sharing my story with her and being part of the article.

So now I'm going to be famous-ish! She asked me about how infertility had impacted my friendship with S and how she was able to be a good friend to me through the experience. She asked me about what advice I would give others who have friends going through infertility. They even called and interviewed both my RE and a counselor at their office on how to deal with a friend going through infertility struggles.

Even if it helps one person- it's worth telling the story.

Low Iodine: Take 2

I'm back on the low iodine wagon. This time I was much more prepared for the weeks ahead. I spent my Independence Day in the kitchen. I made a ton of low iodine goodies so that the cooking part of this whole thing isn't so painful.

I made basmati rice and really, really good turkey chili. Roasted lots of veggies. Made my green egg salad and some painfully dry banana coconut bread (maybe it will be better with some jelly on it?).

But the best find of all was the oatmeal cookies. Holy Crap they are good! It's like a little slice of sanity- without the iodine.

So two weeks of this. I've done worse for two weeks.

Friday, July 1, 2011

RAI Scheulde- Changed AGAIN.

I got a call from the hospital today changing my schedule AGAIN. WTF Thyrogen?!?!

So now I'm on a totally different protocol- 3 days of Thyrogen shots and then I'll be admitted. In the long run- it's good. Less time off work for me and a holiday weekend with no dietary restrictions.

But FOR REAL. Quit messing with the schedule (and my life).


Thursday, June 30, 2011

New Car and a Call Out

A strange combo, huh?
We bought a new car today- a 2011 Honda Insight. This one's not mine, but it looks like this:

It's a hybrid and gets about 40 miles to the gallon. Compared to the 17 that I get now- it will almost pay for itself in the gas savings alone. It's cute and I like it.

So Car Sales Guy sold us our Pilot also (we're turning into Honda whores). So we're waiting- always a lot of waiting when you buy a car- and he says to me "Is that scar on your neck new?" Um, yes. I have cancer. Thanks for bringing it up. Appreciate that. We keep talking- idle chit chat and he wants to know why we have no kids. Um, yes. Infertile. Again- thanks for bringing it up.

Seriously- I can't escape this shit. My one small victory of the night was learning that my credit score is 4 points higher than my husband's. I could tell that it bothered him and I kind of loved it.

PS- Low Iodine Egg Salad, while green and odd looking- tastes ok.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Low Iodine: Day 1

Today was my first real day on my low iodine diet. NOT FUN.

Here's what I ate:

Plain Cream of Wheat

Dried Pineapple
Grilled Zucchini and Peppers with Mrs. Dash

Orzo Pasta Salad- Made with my homemade vinaigrette dressing with grape tomatoes and grilled asparagus

I did get a low iodine cookbook from the hospital (you can take a peek at it HERE) and tomorrow I plan on making some of the bread-ish items. Bread and cheese are what I miss the most. I did some cooking tonight so tomorrow I won't have to do so much. I made Asian cole slaw, egg salad (made with avocado instead of mayo- the jury is still out on this one), and I still have some orzo salad left.

The SUPER sucky part is that I think it will be 100% impossible for me to eat in a restaurant with these restrictions. I just can't control the way the food is prepared. JC and I are supposed to go out of town this weekend and I'm already stressing out about what food I'll have to bring with me.

Stupid fucking cancer.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Low Iodine Diet: FAIL!

I'm supposed to start my low iodine diet today. I'm sitting here drinking my Starbucks- full of dairy which is a big low iodine no no. I was away all weekend and was highly unprepared for all that low iodine meant. It means a lot of shopping and a lot of cooking. Not cool, man.

Low Iodine means that until I get out of the hospital- July 21st- I can't have: dairy products (goodbye cheese- I miss you already!), processed breads/crackers, anything with iodized salt, seafood, or soy. So pretty much all I can eat is fresh fruits and veggies, and chicken or beef. Plain. No marinades or dressings (most have salt in them). I know it's temporary, but it sucks. It's just this huge reminder that I have cancer and I'm about to go through treatment for it. I'd rather just eat cheese and forget about the cancer part.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

A Weekend Away

JC and I went to Upstate New York this weekend for his niece's graduation. It's like another planet up there compared to where we live. He's from a very small town near the Finger Lakes. It's really pretty, but REALLY small. Everyone knows everyone. Most people are somehow related. There's not a lot to do except hang out at the American Legion and drink. Good thing I brought my own designated driver! I wish I had pictures, but I was a huge slacker and didn't even take one! It was really nice to get away for the weekend. I love my sister-in-law and her family. They are so much fun to hang out with.

It was good timing- I needed a little pick me up and some good time with my husband.

Saturday, June 18, 2011


I'm in desperate need of a little perspective lately.

A year is a long time when you're trying to make a baby. You live your life by your menstrual cycle and the thought of waiting 12 whole cycles is painful. You'd think I'd be over it by now. You'd think that I would be glad to be living cancer free (well cancer free-ish?) with my healthy husband, enjoying our time together before starting our family.

But I can't seem to focus on anything good at the moment. I know there are plenty of people dealing with things that make my life look like a picnic. I know that we'll be ok. It's just hard to see the good in all this.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Thyroid Levels

TSH = 0.029

The best they've ever been. I cried when I got the email from the endo. And not because they were so good, but because that means I have no idea why I don't feel well. And I hate my body.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Chocolate HEAVEN!

I spent the weekend in my new favorite place. Hershey, PA.

There in Hershey is this place:

AMAZING. There are chocolate muffins all around. You get fluffy robes to spend the day in. You spend the whole day just being pampered with sugar scrubs and coco butter. I got a massage and a manicure. They have this totally awesome mint shampoo in the showers. I left with super hydrated skin and smelling like a chocolate bar. It's like a little slice of heaven. It was just what I needed.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Happy Blogging Birthday

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeee! Today my blog turns 1 year old! We've had a rough first year. It turned out to be absolutely not what I expected. But along the way, I've had a lot of good things too. I've made new great friends and I have the best husband on the planet. Hope you'll join me for the next year.

Friday, June 10, 2011

One Year Ago...

Tomorrow, I made THIS post. My very first blog post. :::le sigh:::

I remember being so hopeful. I remember thinking our biggest obstacle would be my arthritis. I remember stalking my chart every day- staring at it looking for patterns. I remember analyzing every twinge I felt.

So here I am a whole year later. And nothing is as it was then.

I gave up on charting long ago- just didn't seem to have a point anymore. I know we'll never have a baby "the old fashioned way". I have cancer. My husband and I have both been hospitalized since then.

Next year has to be better, right?

Thursday, June 9, 2011

200th Post

This is my 200th post. I had all these good plans for my 200th post.
And then the lady from Nuclear Medicine called me.

I had my entire schedule for Radiation Iodine treatment planned out. I coordinated my entire life around it. Scheduling trips away, doctor appointments, my work schedule- all based around this hot mess of a schedule. My sister rescheduled my niece's baptism so I could go.

There is STILL a shortage of Thyrogen (you can read about it HERE) and so all my treatment appointments were pushed back three weeks. THREE FREAKIN WEEKS.

So now instead of being admitted on July 7th, I'll be in the hospital on July 20th. And of course- just pushes all things IVF even further out. FML.


I'm up to 70 followers! Yowza!

I know I've been boring lately- but I super mega thank everyone who reads my ramblings. I love knowing that you're out there and I love it when you make such awesome comments.

Thank you for following me!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I'm bringing blogging back.

I've been missing in action. I know. I'm sorry! I blame Blogger. It's been acting like a nut case lately and not letting me post.

I'm pretty boring these days. I'm DOG tired. Like the worst fatigue ever. So that means I have no love for blogging at home. I get home and I lay on the couch. That's about all I can muster. I emailed my endo today begging him to find my lab results. It's starting to mess with my work life and I just can't be this tired all time. So I'm hopeful that we'll get it straight soon.

In other news- JC is down over 40 lbs. since surgery. It's crazy. He doesn't look the same, he doesn't feel the same when you hug him. It's strange in the best way possible. He's behaving himself from an eating perspective so that is all getting better.

I'm going to be a better blogger. I pinky swear.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Right now I am annoyed by:

Everything. Ok, so not EVERYTHING. But a lot. I've been having the longest internal pity party in history. I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat and I can't even decide why. But here are a few reasons.

1. My husband. Maybe someone could tell him that HE decided to have gastric bypass? No one made him do it. So get your shit together and do what you are supposed to be doing. I can't help but feel responsible for his health. I wish I could let go and just let him figure it out on his own- but it's just very hard for me. On top of all that- he keeps making shitty comments about me being a nag. I'm trying hard not to cause him physical harm.

2. My mother.
Yes, your husband (my father) passed away. But that does not make you helpless so stop acting helpless. And if you could do that sooner rather than later, that would be great. kthxbai.

3. My job.
I hate you right now. HATE. I hate my lazy coworkers. I hate my bitchy manager. I need a new one.

Bleh. I need out of this funk.

Friday, May 27, 2011

TSH levels

I go tomorrow for thyroid bloodwork- my first Post-Op set. Lately I've been exhausted (which may or may not have something to do with my lack of blogging). So I'm really very curious to see what my TSH levels will be like. I can't lie- I hope he changes the meds. Anythint to not feel like dog shit at the end of the day would be grrrrreat.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Frozen Sperm

I talked to the IVF nurse today about the status of JC's frozen sample.

They froze 6 vials and she said when they did the test thaw- only about 3 good sperm showed up. She said we only probably have about 15-20 good sperm in 6 vials.

I am seriously delusional. I thought things were getting better. FML. I hate this shit.

In other news- I have a crap ton of blog posts saved as drafts so hopefully I'll finish them and old stuff will start popping up. I've been a serious blogging slacker lately!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Back in Bed

JC was back in bed with me last night. He's been sleeping in a recliner since he arrived home from the hospital and I can't lie- I hate sleeping without him. He can only sleep on his back- so still kind of strange, but it's nice to not be sleeping alone anymore.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Dr. Mo's Good News

My one spot of bright and shiney news out of the last week of madness...

Dr. Mo says it is totally realistic to think that JC's hormone levels could normalize on their own with weight loss. :::insert happy dance here:::

So now maybe fate will line everything up just right. I'll have radiation iodine treatment. JC will drop like 100lbs. and then we'll have babies the old fashioned way.




She and my mom (who in all fairness is also a crazycakes, but of a TOTALLY different flavor...) haven't spent a whole lot of time together until JC's recent hospital visit. The time that they did spend together involved Crazycakes airing all the family dirty laundry (well her version of it, I guess) and my mom making the Blank Stare face.

She unloaded on me Monday night at dinner about all of Crazycakes revalations and I tried to explain to her that there are two sides to every story- The Crazycakes version and the truth.

Why do all MIL's have to be crazy? Why can't I have the one rare one that isn't nuts??

A tale of two hospital visits

Yikes. It's been forever since I blogged. JC had RNY Gastric Bypass surgery on Monday May 9th. And I'm *just* now finding the time to blog about it. It's been hella crazy.

Have some popcorn. This could be long.

So we wake up to go to the hospital. We're joined by my mother and my Crazycakes MIL. (I swear- I think it's a rule that your MIL has to be a crazycakes.) JC goes into surgery and I'm a wreck. And my ears are bleeding because my mother and Crazycakes are talking each other to DEATH. Surgery was supposed to be about two and half hours. So when we were rolling up on three hours, I was near puking from nervousness. Dr. Mo (awesome surgeon who also did my surgery) called me and told me that he was out of surgery and doing well. He did the bypass and also repaired the hiatal hernia. He also said that he found another hernia in his diaphragm that was repaired as well. PHEW. Holy Crap. I was so nervous. So we get to his room and he's SUPER out of it- Dr. Mo also said he's impossible to get to stay asleep. He kept waking up during surgery so they basically had to drug the shit out of him. His worst surgical fear came true- he had a catheter in when he came out of surgery. He was pretty out of it all day Monday. He even made a joke in his half away and mostly drugged state about taking out the catheter and taking me in the bathroom. In front of our MOMS. How romantic and super awkward all at the same time. I left him there that night (worst feeling ever- leaving the hospital without him) and came back Tuesday to a much more awake husband who had zero recollection of the previous days events or jokes. So we walked the halls and they took the catheter out. And he was feeling great- no pain meds even. Dr. Mo's PA came in and said he was doing great and could go home that day. Yahoo! The nurse said he would get one more dose of Toradol- an anti-inflammatory drug before we left the hospital. So we go home and he was desperate to nap in a comfy bed without an IV pole attached to him. He napped and then the shit hit the fan.

About 5 hours after we left the hospital, he started having some pretty extreme abdominal pain. He was taking the narcotics that the surgeon gave him, but they weren't helping at all. He couldn't sit anywhere that was comfortable. He couldn't get up and down from a seated position. He could barely move. We were up all night long trying to manage his pain. I woke up (Wednesday morning)after a three hour stretch to find him sitting in our living room with tears running down his face. It was time to call the doctor. So we paged Dr. Mo. He called back and told JC to come into the office. We go there and they took his blood pressure- 187/120!! Holy Crap. He sent him for a CT scan to make sure everything looked ok on the inside. Except CT scan meant he had to lie down. Ouch. More tears. Sadface.

We went back to Dr. Mo who decided to readmit him to the hospital to figure out what was going on and try to manage his pain. I went home to get stuff and of course my mind is racing- is he going to need surgery again? Should I call Crazycakes? Is he going to be ok? What happens next? Like 1000 questions. I get back to the hospital and they have already repeated the Upper GI test (used in gastric bypass patients to determine if there is a leak in the new stomach) and that came back normal. He told me that he had finally farted and had some diarrhea (Sorry, TMI). And normally this wouldn't have been a big deal, but when you have laproscopic surgery like he did- they fill your body with air to make your organs float so they can see better and all that gas is super painful. So him farting and moving his bowels is a super awesome thing. They started him back on Toradol in the hospital as well. And finally he had some relief from the pain. They said he'd have to stay to be monitored at least one night, but maybe more. And for realz- I was so glad they were keeping him. After Tuesday night- I couldn't manage it by myself so it was good that they were going to take care of him. I knew he wasn't in pain anymore so that was good. Dr. Mo continued to watch him and he kept taking Toradol. Thursday was good- he was walking around again, having less and less pain, still moving the bowels, drinking- all good things. They said he could go home Friday. PHEW PHEW PHEW. Everything is going to be ok.

Friday morning he developed the super nose of an 8 week pregnant lady. He could smell EVERYTHING and it was making him sick. And nothing tasted good. I thought it was just the hospital smells, but we were finally discharged and came home and sadly- our house stinks, I stink. Everything stinks. I'm hoping it will get better. So since being home- he is doing really great. Eating soup, drinking, taking his vitamins. We're going for short walks and he's feeling better each day. What a crazy ass week it's been. I've missed another week of work and I'm dreading going back tomorrow. I'm dreading leaving him home by himself and I have no desire to see my manager. But the most important thing is that JC is ok.

For real. If you read all that- you are awesomesauce.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day

I didn't really give this much thought until this morning when Facebook vomitted Happy Mother's Day wishes all over me.

And then I got a little sad. Fvck Infertilty.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Plan B Sperm

In my head, I've decided that in a year- we won't need IVF. Too hopeful? Maybe. But who cares. I have a year to wait so I'll just spend it being delusional about my future sperm prognosis. Mmmmkay?

But just in case- plan B is to freeze the boys. JC has a very romantic appointment at the RE today so we can freeze sperm. Back up sperm. Cause I won't need them.

Side Note: I've directed him to ask for the count. Just curious, that's all.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

What's good for the goose...

Is good for the gander? Isn't that the saying?

I'm hoping that JC having weight loss surgery will be good for me too. I had gastric bypass almost 4 years ago and in the last 3 years have managed to put on 40lbs. There. I said it. 40lbs. I'm hoping that he'll be in charge of what he needs to eat and I can be in charge of what I need to eat and that eventually we'll meet in the middle somewhere.

I'm also looking foward to starting to try new things for exercise. JC wants to canoe and hike this summer. Once this surgery and RAI is over, we'll have a good year of trying new things together to look foward to. It's nice to have good things ahead for once.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Tour de Food

So surgery for JC is May 9th. Starting Monday the 2nd- he's on a full liquid diet. So we spent the week prior on what I called the "Tour de Food". We ate our way through each night of the week- including a trip to Morton's Steakhouse- and I was ready to vomit by Saturday.

Pizza, wings, steak...all of it. Thank god it's over! I am done eating.

I think JC going on this little adventure is good for me too. I'll be able to cook for just myself for quite sometime and hopefully it will help me get my weight back under control.

Friday, April 29, 2011

I'm tired of hospitals.

So more surgery in our house. Except not for me this time. Since we didn't have anything else going on recently (insert sarcasm here), JC decided this would be the best time for him to have surgery. So he is going to have RNY Gastric Bypass Surgery- weight loss surgery. The same kind that I had almost four years ago now. JC has pretty bad gastric reflux disease and 2 years ago they found pre-cancerous cells in his esophagus. He also has a hiatal hernia. So the combination makes for not a good situation. The surgery will essentially cure the reflux disease by removing the part of his stomach that produces most of the acid. The hernia will be repaired in surgery and his weight loss will ensure that it will not happen again. It will be a bit of a long road- he'll be on a liquid diet all next week (and probably be a super crank-ass) and again for the week after surgery. The following 8 weeks will be a "mushy" food phase where all 4 tablespoons of what he eats will be similar to the consistency of applesauce. THEN he'll go back to solids, but still considerably less. I would expect him to drop about 100lbs. by the end of the year. It will be a big change and a hard road, but in the long run- great for his health.

Is it wrong that I'm already thinking about the potential changes to his testosterone levels? I mean I guess it's possible that he'll drop a ton of weight and his hormone levels will normalize and then we won't need IVF in a year??? Dangerous thoughts for me. Anything is possble, though, right?

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

What would have been....

So today would have been my estimated egg retrival had we gone through IVF. ::le sigh::

Emotionally I've been doing ok. And then I figured out that it would have been today and I got a little sad. In my head, I know that waiting a year isn't a deal breaker. But in my heart it feels like there is just no end in sight to all of this.

The hardest part is that I'm afraid I will spend the next year watching everyone else move forward and I'll still be left behind. Still with no baby.

I just don't want to spend the next year sad. It will just be too much.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

I'm Out. Yikes.

Katie from 3T inspired me to support National Infertility Awareness Week this week. She came up with these very good status updates that she is using on Facebook all week and I just posted the first one. Ok, so I'll admit that I edited it a bit so it's a tiny bit less personal, but same idea.

I'm nervous about the reaction. And not sure if I'll post anymore. I guess I could always just say I'm supporting a friend? But on the other hand- I feel like such a wuss doing that. I should be able to just own this and admit that we are having trouble. I always hate on people who can't own it. So I should. I should own it and stand up for people who are afraid to.

Yikes. Can I still delete my status update?

Friday, April 22, 2011

Radiation Iodine Schedule

I talked to Nuclear Medicine today and got my schedule for Radiation Iodine.

Here's the scoop:
June 13: Start really sucky low iodine diet.

*Side note: You have no idea how much iodine is in food. Basically low iodine diet = only eat sucky foods. Awesomesauce.

June 27: Thyrogen Shot
June 28: Thyrogen Shot
June 29: Take I123 pill to prepare for Uptake Scan and have scan of salivary glands
June 30: Uptake scan to determine I131 dose

July 5: Thyrogen Shot
July 6: Thyrogen Shot
July 7: Admitted to the Hospital for RAI Treatment.
So they give you the dose of radioactive iodine and then you wait 2 hours to maximize absorption. And then you start showering, eating candy, and drinking water. They don't want to have radiation "resting" anywhere that bodily fluid may accumulate- your salivary glands, your bladder, resting on your skin from seeping out your pores. I was told at least 5 showers in a 24 hour period. I have to bring candy with me that will cause me to salivate. And I have to be constantly drinking fluid. Sounds fun, right?
July 8: Released from hospital once my radiation levels are acceptable for the general public.
July 9-13: Will be at home in isolation. I won't be allowed within 3 feet of anyone (including my cat) for more than just enough time to walk past them. JC and I will live on separate floors of the house. Boo Kitty will go on a week long vacation at my Mom's house. I'll need to get a set of sheets and towels that will be essentially disposable. JC won't be allowed in the same bathroom that I'll use. I'll need two sets of clothes- one day time and one night time. Each time I wake up, I'll need to change clothes and wash my clothes, sheets, and towels from the night before. I'll need to shower 2-3 times a day. All my plates, cups, utensils for the week will be disposable. (Sorry environment!)
July 13: Post Therapy Scan

So the good part- no real physical pain- aside from the freakin DRY ASS skin I will have after 85 million showers in a week. And after all that mess is done- I should have about a 2% chance of recurrence. Not bad odds.

I was hoping to get this done in June, but no dice. There is currently a global shortage of Thyrogen so this was the earliest they anticipate having the meds for me. Countdown to IVF: 15 months. Holy Crap that feels like forever.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Come out of Hiding!!

I have to admit that I am a total blog whore. I love it when I get a new follower. And I love the comments. I admitted the other day that this blog is somewhat self serving. It's like therapy for me.

But it's *really* nice to know that others read it.

And I look at my blog stats all the time. I discuss them with my friend lissasue. I'll never beat her in number of followers, though. Sadness. And then she and my recent blogging friend Kelly posted about outing all the lurkers. And now I'm curious.

If you read my blog- Tell me about yourself! How did you find my blog? What would you like to know about me? Extra points for funny questions.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Want to hear something terrible?

My niece was born today. Miss Olivia Grace M-. 8lbs. 2oz. 21 inches long.

And when I found out she was here, I cried. And not happy cry- woe is me cry. I cried cause I'm afraid I'll never have an Olivia.

Thank God my sister will never see this.

Monday, April 18, 2011

What makes a good day?

Two things REALLY made today Super Mega Awesome.

1. I got my pathology report back today and ALL the lymph nodes are CANCER FREE!! And that means NO MORE SURGERY!! WAAAHOO!! Amazeballs. Simply Amazeballs. There ended up being three instances of cancer in the thyroid and one of the nodules had some more aggressive cells in it. Because of that, Super Endo recommends that I go through radiation iodine treatment. And really- I'm ok with that. As long as I don't have to have any more surgery- I'm down. So REALLY good news.

2. My kind, kind friend Katie (from THIS post) offered to come with me to the hospital today. Katie is a Hematology/Oncology nurse (for kids, but whatevs)and is familiar with all the medical jargon and hospital business. And she knows that it was TOTALLY possible for me to actually murder my mother before the day ended. So it was very kind of her to offer to be the buffer and translator of all things medical. Soooooooooooo...we go into the nuclear medicine department and there is Dr. Garcia. Dr. McDreamy Garcia. My young, cute, non-wedding ring wearing radiation oncologist. Dr. McDreamy Garcia and Katie spent my appointment being flirty mcflirty. McDreamy Garcia offered all of us his card at the end of the appointment and Katie promptly asked him out for drinks via email. I'm so proud of Katie for this and told her I would have to blog about it.

So dear blog readers- Cross your fingers that the good news keeps flowing for both Katie and I.

And since you were all is a link to Dr. McDreamy Garcia. CLICK ME.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Back to Work

Today I'm having massive anxiety attacks about going back to work on Tuesday. I checked my work email and there's already nasty emails from my manager about things we need to "discuss" upon my return. I don't have it in me anymore.

I have the worst fatigue ever. Not just being tired- like pure exhaustion. The kind like when you get the flu and you feel like you've been hit by a truck- that kind. Like tired to the core. That happens around 2pm every day. Not really sure how that will pan out at work.

The closer I get to going back to work, the worse the anxiety gets. I wish I could just quit.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Next Steps

Awesome Endo Nurse Cyndi called today. I have appointments on Monday with Super Surgeon and Super Endo. And Nuclear Medicine.


Not a great sign that I'm going to Nuc Med this early. Monday will be a long day. JC can't go with me so my mom is coming. I'm already frustrated with that. I wish he could go with me.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Scar Anxiety

My mom's best friend wants to come take me to lunch tomorrow. It would actually be really nice to get out of the house for a little while. I'm already in a panic about what to wear. In my head- I think people will be staring at me. Maybe that's crazy, maybe it's not- whatever. I'm sure the scar will get better over time. But right now, it's still pretty gross.

So I bought myself this today:

I got the scarf suggestion from a friend and now I can't wait till this little sucker arrives. Even if it just helps me feel better, then it will be the best scarf ever.

Warning: Poo Talk Inside

No one really tells you about how narcotics = no poo-ing. They should tell you that! Straining to make a giant post surgical poo is not fun. If I have to have surgery again there is a serious need for a stool softener in my life.

Monday, April 11, 2011


So here is your anatomy lesson of the day. When they took out my thyroid gland, my parathyroid glands were most likely disturbed or damaged. The parathyroid glands are responsible for absorption of calcium. When your calcium levels drop, you start to tingle. Like your hands are falling asleep, except all the time. And it happens in my cheeks too. Strange, right? It's SUPER annoying. So I'm pumping myself full of calcium supplements (3 pills 4 times a day) to ward off the tingles. They are like horse pills, though. So combined with the sore throat- not great. But I hate the tingles.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

My Scar

2 Days Post Op. Not as bad as I thought. It's actually lower than I expected it to be so when I wear a t-shirt, it's covered up. So that part is good.

Surgery- The real scoop.

I'm 2 days post-op today. I'm finally feeling like a real person again. I can't lie- the recovery has been a lot harder than I expected it to be. I guess all I have to compare this to is gastric bypass and this is much harder than gastric bypass.

So first a bit of an update from the medical side. Surgery went as expected. I was in surgery about 4 hours- longer than expected. They ended up taking out some of the lymph nodes around my thyroid that were pretty enlarged so things took a little longer than normal. Although the surgeon has opinions based on the way things look- nothing will be final until the pathology comes back sometime next week. But from what she says- her opinion is that I'm most likely headed in for another surgery to remove the nodes on the side of my neck and I will most likely need to have radiation iodine treatment. I'm not quite sure of the order of operations yet or when this will all occur. Most likely in about 6 weeks or so. (Pathology pending, of course) The recovery from this surgery has been a bit harder than I anticipated, so I'm not looking forward to the prospects of another one, but we'll just take one thing at a time.

But while I'm at it...I have to tell you about my hospital room. Cause it was oddly bizzare/awesome. I was wheeled into this room, opened my eyes- and thought I was at the Hilton. We paid for a private room, but this was more than I expected. It was like a suite.

It was a little odd, cause it was very hotel-ish- but actually turned out to be worth every penny.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I lived.

Home from the hospital. I'm in more pain than I expected to be. So the drugs are flowing. Will update more later. Thank you for all the good comments and love. It's really very much appreciated.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Bye Bye Neck

So sorry about the up the nose shots...but I just wanted to document my pre-surgical neck. Tomorrow it will have a yucky scar. I'm starting to have anxiety about the scar. Will people stare at it? Will it be red and ugly for a long time? I don't want to walk around with this reminder of this bad thing all the time. I guess I just don't want to have cancer.

Tomorrow at this time, I'll be in surgery. We have to leave the house at 4am to get to the hospital. I'm not afraid of the surgery, just afraid of the aftermath.

Cross your fingers for me.