Monday, December 31, 2012

2012- What I Learned

2012 didn't suck as much as 2011. I mean no one was in the hospital or had cancer so that's a bonus. I did loose my Playboy Bunny Folliea (RIP), but hopefully his/her brother/sister is just a few weeks in the future.

What I Learned in 2012

1. It is possible for me to be happy without a baby. It would suck A LOT at first, but I could do it.

2. I don't have to eat my feelings.

3. I feel better about myself when I exercise.

4. The future with my husband will be great. No clue what that future looks like right now, but no matter what- I know it will be great.

5. I love books. Fiction, Nonfiction, cheesy, serious. I did a ton of reading this year and it was awesome. I alllllmost made it to 100 books. Next year I will fo sho.

6. I have great, great friends. Amazing people around me to share my life with. I appreciate them more than they could ever understand.

7. I wouldn't be sad if we didn't have cable. I watch very little TV.

8. If a baby isn't in the cards for us- I'm indulging in a personal trainer.

9. I will 1000% die a little bit on the inside when my mother dies. We are getting ready to move into her house with her and have been helping to clean out her attic and basement. Going through her things is so depressing and only makes me think of what I'll have to do when she dies. I did the ugly cry.

10. I am STILL learning how to deal with infertility.

2013, please be awesome. I have high hopes for you.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Merry-ish Christmas

This is *exactly* what I think my Boo Kitty says when he puts on his Santa costume. LOL 

I know it's not Christmas yet- but it's going to be a busy two days coming up. I was looking back at my Christmas Blogs from 2010 and 2011 and they are drastically different. 2010 still seems happy and upbeat. 2011 (post cancer, 2 years of IF) is far more depressing. And again this year I've had a really hard time getting any kind of holiday spirit. Like every year- this is by far the most super mega busy time of the year at work. I've been working like a freak of nature. J is still home (Dear Santa, Please bring J a start date. kthxbai.) so he's been doing all the Christmas business- decorating the house, the tree, wrapping gifts- everything. I kind of boycotted the whole holiday. I usually even love Christmas music- this year- meh. Not really. 

I thought 2012 was going to be our year. I thought it would have a different outcome. Yet here I sit, writing a verrrry similar post to last year. I know we're closer than we were last year. I know we'll really get our shot at having a baby. I know that will happen sooner than I expect. It all just feels like something that I can only talk about. When I really thought I was starting birth control for real- I had total internal panic. So as much as I want this year to end, I'm so afraid of how hard the next year may be. 

J and I went on a little date last night. He took me to dinner and a yummy restaurant called Basin's. And then we went to see the Christmas light display at the Botanical Gardens. And while we walked- we made a pact. This is our last year of this. If we don't have a baby or if I'm not pregnant by next Christmas- we'll just decide to be done. We'll just live as regular married people. I'm happy that there is an ending point. One way or the other- I'm ready to put this all behind us. 

Merry Christmas Bloggy Friends. I hope next year is better for all of us. 


Sunday, December 16, 2012

New Outlook

When I first found out that I had to lose weight, I was pretty upset. Well, more like embarrassed  And I guess disappointed with myself. And now I'm so thankful that I was properly motivated to change my ways. It was long, long overdue. So I'm trying to have a new outlook about all this dieting/eating business. And I'm learning a few things along the way.

Things I've Learned:
1. I like Brussel Sprouts.
2. Most vegetables taste good. And even better with red pepper flakes on them. Spicy vegetables!
3. I feel better both mentally and physically when I exercise.
4. Generally speaking- no food that I KNOW I shouldn't be eating is worth the guilt that comes afterward.

I'm making strides and I am really happy that I've turned over this new leaf. I also really like that I have something to focus on that isn't related to making a baby. It's time for some new goals for myself.

New Goals:
1. Weigh less than my husband.
2. Lose 10% of my body weight.
3. Exercise 5 days a week, every week.
4. Shop at Ann Taylor Loft again.

All reasonable. All not so far away. I can do this.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

SKjfsjwioefsdkjclkJSLKDFJiejf!!!!!!

I was going to update yesterday to tell everyone in Blog-Land that I was starting birth control AGAIN, but for realzies this time. We were all set to cycle in early January. And before I could even write the post- it was already changed.

The financial lady called me and said they were having problems getting insurance authorization and that in order to move forward and schedule the cycle, we would have to sign something agreeing to pay out of pocket if they couldn't work it out. They warned us that in the past, people have been billed, and then had to submit for payment on their own. And all of that sounds like not anything we want to deal with. So we've decided once again to wait. I'm a waiting expert.

This all feels fake. Like we're just going to keep talking about doing it, but we won't realllly try. I have such low expectations now. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and just quit, but I know I'll regret not trying.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Holiday Blues

I haven't been blogging so much. I just have no real news lately. I'm just dieting and working. I'm technically under the BMI limit for IVF, so I've got that down and my full intention is to keep dropping lbs until January rolls around.

I can't get Christmasy. My decorations are up. My tree is bright. I haven't bought a thing. I have no desire to shop. I hate this time of year. Everyone making cards with family pictures, putting up their Elf on a Shelf, talking about Santa. And for the third year in a row, I wonder if this will be our last year without a baby. It's only the 6th and I'm already ready for it to be next year. BLAH. Just let it end quickly.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

More Progress





Just chugging along. No news is good news, for now. I really need to step up my exercise efforts. I feel like I've got a handle on the food now that I'm a few weeks in. I think I really need to get down another 10-15lbs to feel like I'm really in the safe zone. We leave to go on vacation on Saturday- a week in the Bahamas. Yessssssssss. I can't wait!

Today we celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary. I'm so lucky to have J as my husband. Despite everything we've been through, I can't imagine one day without him and I hope year number 4 is our best yet. 

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Progress






So far, so good. 

And an update. J and I decided to move our IVF cycle until after the new year. The waiting sucks, but I'm kind of used to it now and I just want to be 100% sure that I can focus on the weight loss for a little while. It would really suck to go all out and STILL not make the cut off. So we'll wait until January and spend the next few weeks exercising and eating food that's good for me. 

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Shit just got Real.

Soooooooo this is pretty embarrassing. More like reeeeeeaaaaallllly embarrassing. In 2007 I had gastric bypass. I lost 110lbs. It changed my life. It was amazing.

Today- my nurse called me to get my weight because Le Baby Factory has a BMI limit. And I'm above it. ::hangs head in total shame:: So in order to start stims- I have to drop 17lbs by the end of November. I'm not entirely sure that I can accomplish that, but all I can do is try.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Got my calendar!

October 7th- Start Birth Control Pills
October 31st- Stop Birth Control Pills

November 5th- Start Birth Control Pills. Again.
November 17th- VACATION!! Hence all the birth control. We gotta work around our already planned Thanksgiving get away to the Bahamas.
November 24th- Home from the Bahama Mamas
November 28th- Stop BCP's
December 1st- Suppression check and hopefully start STIMS! Ow Ow!!

I'm ready to get all shot up. Bring on the needles.

Monday, October 22, 2012

100!

100 FOLLOWERS?!? Whaaaaaaaaaat? That's pretty cool. My blog is 100% self serving, but I am happy to have other people read it. Even if it helps just one single person just one time. I love going back and following myself through all of this. I really appreciate those who comment and follow. I love my followers. <3 p="p">


I've done this before, but OUT YOURSELF. Leave me a note. Tell me how you found me. Tell me what we have in common. Tell me what you liked to read about. And keep reading. Thanks. For realz.


Sunday, October 14, 2012

The Irony of Having a Baby

I'm trying to have a baby and tonight I took these:

This is my very first time ever taking birth control pills. I hope they don't make me a crazy cakes. Ha! But the good news of all of this is that we are going to be able to cycle before the holiday! Woot! I got my period last Thursday so we are going to have plenty of time to work things out around our vacation. I'm waiting to get my schedule, but it looks like I will start stims right after Thanksgiving!!


Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Martha?? You out there?

I've been thinking about you.

Did you go to Le Baby Factory? I hope you had a good consult. I feel good about going back to them and I hope you do too.

Keep me posted!

:::tap, tap::: Is this thing on?

Anyone still reading? I'm here, I'm alive! Just until today, I've been boring. I started a new job with an amazeballs new schedule and without one biatch of a manager and that's about it. We've been doing a lot of waiting. I'm really good at the waiting.

Today we went back to our first RE at the largest group in town. We'll call it Le Baby Factory. It sounds better if you say it all French and stuff. Anyway- our RE there Dr. K- thinks we don't have a sperm problem. He thinks J has plenty of sperm for ICSI and that we most likely won't need to have the Uro do the biopsy as a back up, but that he likes the idea of the back up. I don't have to repeat any testing so we are good to go as soon as we want to.

So really the only thing in my way is the schedule. J and I are going away for a week in November- and that jacks up the program. Because the IVF lab at Le Baby Factory is closed for the holidays. Blah. In order to cycle before things shut down- I'll have to start stims no later than 12/6. Which means we'll have to try and mess with my cycle a bit in order to get that to happen. If not- we wait till next year. A whole other year gone with no baby. ::sigh::

So right now the plan is to start Birth Control with this period. I'll take it for two weeks, then stop for four days, then go back on for 19 days. And then- we start. All of this is contingent on me getting my period no later than the 15th of October. That bitch better come early.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Where do we go from here?

I love J's Urologist. He has always made things easy to understand. He explains the numbers of the SA in a way that the RE's don't. He's straight forward about what would be the best way for us to have children.  After our WTF appointment with the RE, we decided to go back to the Urologist. Maybe a final effort to figure out if there was anything anything anything we could do to improve the numbers, I guess? The whole thing about donor sperm kept coming up and we wanted to be totally certain there wasn't anything else that could help J's swimmers.

The urologist things we're nuts for thinking about donor sperm. And I'm so thankful for that because while I would have really considered it, it would have been a huge, huge issue for me and in the long run, I'm just not sure if I could have gotten to the point where I would be 1000% comfortable with it. But I digress. He thinks J has plenty of sperm. The problem doesn't really lie with count, but with motility. J doesn't have a lot of sperm, but he REALLY doesn't have a lot of motile sperm. And because of this, we are doing ourselves a disservice by having only one egg to work with. I knew all along that he wasn't really a fan of Natural Cycle IVF, but the idea of no drugs was so appealing and when we got that insurance coverage- we figured we would try it. He did give J Clomid, but said it will really only help with count, not so much motility. He suggested Conception Rx for Motility (the expensive one blahhh) and traditional IVF with ISCI.

He wants J to give a sample the day before retrieval and then again the day of. He said there is a way to "warm" the sperm (WTF that means I have no idea?) that will help them distinguish the good from the bad. If there are no good sperm, they will do an emergency biopsy and take sperm right from the testicle that day.

So where do we go from here. Well I cancelled our Natural Cycle IVF cycle. We are going back to the first RE that we went to. They have significantly better success rates with traditional IVF than the clinic we are going to now. And even though it's kind of like a factory- they are good at what they do. We have a consult set up for October 9th. They will likely make me repeat my HSG and then we're going on vacation for Thanksgiving so that puts us on BCP's for November and cycling in December/January. More freakin waiting. It's like a curse.

This is our original path. So I feel confident. And now with good insurance we have three cycles to deal with. I think if it doesn't work in three cycles, we'll be done. I don't know if I can take much more than that. So we'll see. For now, we wait. Again.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Urologist Update

Ahhhhhhhhh! Just when you think there is a plan- a road map of some sort through all this crap, something else happens and it all goes to shit.

J went to the urologist. He's going back on Clomid. And we're going back to our old RE for a consult. Too much is up in the air to blog about for the moment.

All I know is that this cycle is off. Blah.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Here we go again.

CD 1.

J goes to the Urologist on Tuesday. If he says no to the Clo- we're cycling again. If he says yes- we wait. Again. Either way I'll go for baseline just in case. Blahhhh. Stupid roller coaster is out of the station.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

WTF Update

He said that he was really happy that we made it to fertilization. He said it looked good for three days and then it arrested. :'( He did say that there was even a chance for people who have good egg and good sperm that the same thing happens to the embryo. So that being said- there is always a chance that things will work the next time. He thinks that traditional IVF is kind of useless for us since he's almost positive that there would be extra eggs that wouldn't be able to be fertilized. He thinks we should try Natural Cycle two more times before moving on. We are going to talk to the Urologist again about using Clomid again to try to improve count. J has an appointment next week on the 18th. 

We did talk about Donor Sperm. Last night before the appointment, J basically told me that it's his brother or nothing and he's not sure what he thinks about adoption. I spent the whole night (not really even an exaggeration) crying- I feel like he's really limiting our options and it's just really sad. So we talked about using his brother's sperm- they will use a known donor, but there would have to be psychological testing, legal paperwork, and then a 6 month waiting period to use the sperm. He did say we could do a split cycle- and use the donor as a back up. If we did that- we would do traditional IVF. 

So no idea what we're going to do. I expect to get my period maybe this weekend? If John goes to the Uro and he says yes- try the Clo and see what happens- that will be at least 60 days. So puts us to December? We're traveling in November so the timing would be sketchy for that. If he says no to the Clo- then we'll cycle again this coming month. 

If we have to move to donor sperm- we may be at an impass. Here is where the question comes in. I just don't know if I can use his brother's sperm. I mean there is the ick factor and the general creepiness of it, but aside from that- there are SO many reasons I can think of why this isn't a good idea. So blogging friends in the universe- riddle me this- What if it were your only shot at being a parent? Would that change your opinion? Would you explain it to the child (when appropriate)? How would you explain it? Would you tell the rest of your family? 

Monday, September 10, 2012

I really like my doctor.

Dr. G called me personally today to tell me how sorry he was that things didn't turn out differently for us. He said he was glad we even made it to fertilization and he's really hoping we'll come talk about our options.

I told him that I had already scheduled an appointment with him for this coming week and we have lots of questions lined up for him. Out WTF appointment is scheduled for this Wednesday. I'm thankful that we could get in quickly and try to figure out what to do next.

But really I'm appreciative and thankful that the doctor took the time to call me personally. I never would have gotten a call like that from my previous clinic. So I'm happy we switched and I'm looking forward to our appointment. More on my questions for the doc to come.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Fake Parent

Today I was a fake parent. J and I took my 7 year old niece and 3 year old nephew to an amusement park for the day. J's company reserves the park for employee appreciation each year so we took the kids.

So my nephew is enjoying the rides and waving at me. I'm taking pictures to send to my brother in law. And a lady next to me says "Your son looks just like your husband!" Ugh. And then I had to correct her and tell her it was my nephew.

And that happened on every.single.freakin.ride. Shoot me in the face. It was just a little fresh to keep hearing that over and over again. Of course all it made me think about what was if this is it for me? What if I'm just an Aunt?

I'm just not sure that Fake Parenting will be enough for me.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Officially Cancelled

Got the call this morning that our transfer was canceled. I should stop all meds and call the office Monday to make an appointment with Dr. G.

J and I talked though our options this morning and we decided on a good plan for us going forward. So for now, I just want to put this behind me.

Friday, September 7, 2012

No Transfer

When my phone rang and I saw that it was from the doctor's office, I knew what they were calling to tell me. Transfer today has been cancelled. The embryo isn't growing as they expect it to. He said they want to watch it for one more day, but they don't anticipate that there will be any transfer. 

I don't know what to do now. I'm not sure how much more of this I can do. I feel sad and angry at the same time. Why does this have to be so hard? Why us? 

For fucks sake WHY CAN ONE THING WORK OUT. 

Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Significance of Tomorrow

Tomorrow is September 7th. Tomorrow will be the day that we transfer our embryo. Tomorrow will be our first real shot at having a baby. And that alone is is pretty significant. I'm not delusional. I know that we still have a long road ahead with my little embryo that could. But just to make it to transfer tomorrow is in itself, great progress.

Tomorrow also has other significance. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day that I lost my father. Tomorrow marks 18 years that I have been without my father. Now that I'm getting ready to try to make my husband a father, I miss him more than ever. He would have been such an amazing grandfather. My sister's son, who shares his name, would have learned how to play golf already. And it would have been great to watch.

Usually September 7th is a sad day for me, even 18 years later. I remember the day of my Dad's accident all day long and just hope that it ends quickly. I speak with my mom and I can hear the sadness and loss in her voice. But this year, I'm hoping to turn the tides. I'm hoping that we can change September 7th into a better day with better memories.

So Dad- if you're listening- Help me make you a grandchild tomorrow, would ya? I love you and I miss you every day.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Zero

Is the number of updates I'll get on how my little Playboy Bunny Folliea is doing before transfer on Friday. Gah! Better to let him/her grow in peace, but holy shiz a girl could use an update.

Transfer set for Friday at 11:45. Now what do I do with myself until then?? Ugh.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Update!

I got the call early this morning. The egg fertilized normally!! It's a miracle. A real, real miracle. The nurse said that it was excellent news and things are looking good. I am scheduled for transfer on Friday morning. I am affectionately naming my embryo Playboy Bunny Folliea.

I know that this doesn't mean we're out of the woods, but this is such great news. I keep thinking that my baby is growing in a lab about 20 miles from here. And I already love that baby.

On a side note- Progesterone suppositories are gross. Panty liners are my friend.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Egg Retrieval Complete

Ohhhh...what a day it's been. And it's only 2pm. Ugh.

So there is good news. They got the egg. They told us there was a 10-15% chance that the follicle would be empty. So yeah for an egg.

And there's also bad news. They found 6 sperm, but none of them were moving. Which doesn't mean they are dead- but they just aren't really of good quality. They said there is still a chance that the egg could fertilize correctly, but this would decrease our chances of this cycle working by at least 50%.

I cried through the egg retrieval. I'm just sad and feeling so hopeless. The doctor said we should think about using donor sperm. I'm not prepared for that at all. At least not today.

I should get a call tomorrow to see if the egg was able to be fertilized.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Trigger!

Late last night- 12:45am- this is what was going on in my house.

<------First we drew up meds. On the left is the Novarel (hCG) or Trigger. On the right is the special sauce (my husband's name for it) that you mix with it. You can see our sheet of instructions in the background. Never have I ever mixed meds before so I think we were both a little nervous.





And then we broke out the needle. Whoa. That sucker was big. I'm very used to injections- I get one once a week for arthritis meds, but those are teeny tiny sub-q needles. This was a big fat intramuscular needle. Ouch. ----------->





<-----And there is my J with my trigger all ready to put that bad boy right in my butt. Ha ha ha. Well for real, though- it did go kind of in my butt- more like the lower hip/upper butt area. He did a great job. It didn't hurt hardly at all. We were right on time at 12:45.

I went in this morning to see if things were working out as they should and Dr. P (partner of Dr. G) who will do my retrieval this weekend says my follie is big and perfect. Everything is looking exactly as it should.

PHEW.

So tomorrow we go in at 9am. J will give his sample prior to retrieval to check for good sperm. If we're all clear there (please please please please) then retrieval will be at 10:45.

Somehow this all feels like the very first cycle. Like this is our first REAL chance at having a baby.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Zero to Sixty

That is how my life goes. Feast or Famine. All or nothing. Go big or go home. And 1000 other similar cliches. But alas....


Friday was a big day for me. My last day at work. It was awkward and sad and a huge relief. I'm glad to have it behind me and move forward.

I went for monitoring Friday morning and my lovely little follie was ready for trigger! I got the call Friday afternoon that I would trigger 12:45am. Egg retrieval is scheduled for Sunday September 2nd at 10:45am. EEEEEeeeeep!! Squeee! So then I started to panic. I've been so distracted by everything work related, that I'm not quite sure it had sunk in that we were *REALLY* going to do this.

I left work, got home, and promptly had a huge ridiculous melt down complete with ugly cry. Part of it was just how everything had been building up over the last two weeks, and part of it was that I have no control over this process now that we're this far in. All I can do is follow the directions of my doctor. And the control freak in my HATES that. All in all, I think I needed a good cry.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Drugs are here!

Here is my tiny drug stash! Compared to the giant pile-o-drugs with traditional IVF, this looks like nothin.

I go back tomorrow for more dildo cam. Hopefully we are close to trigger. 

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

The No Update Update

Since Saturday- I've been for monitoring twice- Monday and today. Things are slow growing. So far I have two measurable follicles on the right- both at about 14mm. But that's about it. I go back again on Friday.

A little discouraging, but I have to remember that when I was charting (like 2 years ago?!? WTF?) I usually would ovulate around day 15. And today is day 11. So I still have a few days to go. Hopefully there is some growth on Friday.

On a good note- meds are scheduled to arrive tomorrow. PHEW.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Monitoring Begins

Happy Saturday!!!

Wanna see how I started my weekend?
The fabulous trans-vaginal ultrasound probe. Affectionately referred to by us gals in the infertility world as the DILDO CAM. Monitoring began this morning! Another thing I like about my new RE- Docs to the ultrasounds. Kind of nice, huh? Always gives you the chance to ask questions and just feels a whole lot more personal than just seeing a nurse.

So Dr. G took a look and says his prediction is that our rockstar will be on the right side. Today I had one lead follicle on the right at 13mm. And today is cycle day 7. So based on the blood work, I'll go back again Monday morning. My meds were ordered, but I haven't heard anything about when they may be delivered, so I'll have to ask them about that on Monday.

In other news- I quit my job last Monday. It was not fun. They were not happy. It made for a very miserable week. I just have to power through this week. I'm hoping to be distracted by the monitoring. Ironic, huh? I would have thought that work would have distracted me from IVF, but my life always seems upside down and backwards anyway.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Baseline

Baseline was today- ultrasound and blood work. Done and done!

Meds are ordered.

Everything came back normal- monitoring starts on Saturday!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

And we're off!!

CD 1!  Wahoo!!

Two and a half years in the making and we are FINALLY moving forward. FINALLY. Holy Crap I thought this would never happen.

Tomorrow I'm going for baseline. We'll order all my meds- trigger shot and progesterone suppositories- and I'll turn in all our consent forms. J has his blood work done tomorrow. We'll start monitoring next week. Wahoo! Wahoo!

I'm also putting in notice at my current job tomorrow. I'm having some serious anxiety about it. I don't quite have a start date for the new job, but J and I decided that this way we can avoid me starting my new job during the week of egg retrieval. So I'll have the week of Labor Day off. I work for such a small place- they are going to be super pissed about me leaving and take it very personally. I know I'm doing what is best for me- it's just going to be a verrrry long two weeks.

Either way- I'm on to better things. And that is what matters.

I'm feeling hopeful for the first time in a while. I've been feeling this way for a while. And I like how it feels. When I told J that I got my period, he was so excited. He spent the morning talking about how he thinks we should tell his parents that we're having a baby. It was so good to see him talking like that. Talking like this may happen. Talking like he'll be a dad one day. It makes my heart happy.

So stay tuned kids. The crazy train has left the station!

Monday, August 13, 2012

She's coming.

My ta ta's are starting to hurt. I'm on my way to getting my period. YIPPIE!!

Just sayin.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Story of My Freakin Life

Found this on Pinterest...And it's the most true thing ever for me.

Approved!

I got the call this past Friday that IVF was approved by the insurance company. Our last hurdle before starting the cycle. The only catch is that the insurance most likely won't cover the cost of assisted hatching. But we can manage that with no problem. PHEW. We're done. Now we just wait! Should be about 2 weeks till go time!!

Monday, July 30, 2012

Mock Transfer

My fake embryo was transferred today. YEAH!!

I went back to the RE today. We did our mock transfer- essentially they go through the same process as the real embryo transfer just without the embryo. It was easy peasy. It was less than having a pap smear. I also had an ultrasound. My ovaries look good- AFC was at 12. So good to go there as well. He also said my day 3 blood work all was fine.

The only other suggestion was that he wants us to do assisted hatching with the cycle. And we're on board with that. So now we reallllly just have to wait. I expect AF in about 20-ish days. And then the crazy train begins!

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Maybe the Tides Have Turned??

I had two whole long miserable years of nothing but bad news. One thing after the next- it was all bad news all the time.

And since the beginning of the summer, we've been riding the wave of constant good news. I almost don't want to talk about it because I've spent a lot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't have this much good news. It's like a totally foreign concept.

My list of goodness
1. J got a new job- and we got amazing IF coverage. Total game changer.
2. We really liked the new RE and decided to move forward with Natural Cycle IVF.
3. I was formally cleared by the Endocrinologist and was told there is absolutely no recurrence of my thyroid cancer.

And now #4- #4 is a good one. I got a new job! FINALLY! After seven full months of working in a call center- I got a new job. Oddly enough- I'm going back to work with the client that I worked with for 5 years before I was married. The contract is with a different company, but same idea and lots of the same people that I'll be working with. I got a raise, half the commute that I'm doing now, and a waaaay better work schedule. Amazing. It will change my life for the better in so many ways. Right now I get home around 7:15pm. J has to cook dinner every night or we would eat too late. And I have no time to do anything at night. And all that will vanish with this new job! It's very close to J's work (like 2 miles) so we can even carpool to work some days. I can go in early at like 6:30-7:00 and be home early too. AH-MAZ-ING. I don't have a start date quite yet- I'm just waiting for my security clearance to cross over and then I'll give my notice. I'm mentally preparing for that. Quitting when you work for a small company is not fun. They get super pissed off. But whatevs.

5. There are two houses in our neighborhood that are selling for what we would need to sell our house for to break even. That means we should be able to sell this house in the spring and peace outta here! We have only a very general idea of where we want to live so right now- the plan is to move in with my Mom (eeep!) for as long as we can tolerate- hopefully about a year- to save money and figure out where we really want to live. That could be a verrrrrrrrrry long year.

Do you believe in trends? Could this possibly continue? If it does- I really just need one more good thing. That's all I need. Please?

Monday, July 23, 2012

And we're off!

Sunday was CD 1!! Here we go kids!

Tomorrow I go for Day 3 blood work. Next Monday I'l go for ultrasound and mock transfer. We'll sign consent forms and get insurance approval next week. And then we'll be all ready for next cycle.

I'm in denial that this is really happening. I am so excited and nervous all at once.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

I'm done with the Roller Coaster

For real. I'm done. Up, Down, Up, Down...it's making me feel like I'm going to hurl.

Here's my latest news. This may be long, it's been a rough couple of days.

Thursday and Friday sent me back to the hospital for Thyroid testing. I was scheduled to have two injections of Thyrogen (synthetic thyroid hormone) one on Thursday and one on Friday. They are using Thyrogen to attempt to stimulate my thyroglobulin levels. Thyroglobulin is the marker in the blood work for cancer. Normally it is undetectable. So if you get Thyrogen, and your thyroglobulin levels rise- that is bad. If it stays undetectable, then we're in the clear. I was also set to have an ultrasound of my neck to look at my lymph nodes around my neck and my thyroid bed. 


Thursday:
Went and got my Thyrogen injection- no problem. Walked over to radiology for the ultrasound and my back starts hurting. Uh-oh. With my history of kidney stones I was getting nervous that I was having a stone. Remember this post?? The last time I had a stone was during my thyroid biopsy. How appropriate. Ugh. So they called me back and I'm waiting for the tech and the pain is getting worse and worse- and now I'm having trouble breathing through it. It's like someone is stabbing me in the back. Now I know it's a kidney stone and I know I have to get to the ER. Lucky for me that I'm at the hospital. Ha! To add to the frustration, my phone doesn't work in the hospital and it's about 1000 degrees outside. I'm sweating from the pain and have to go outside to try to get a hold of J. I head to the ER that is PACKED full of people. They are kind enough to get me back quickly and start an IV. Once the IV went in- the pain stopped. They did do a CT Scan to confirm it was a stone (which it was), but they said it was small and on it's way out. So they sent me home with pain meds and instructions to drink a lot. 


Friday:
Pretty sure I passed the stone early early Friday morning. No pain and no feeling it since then. Back to the hospital for Thyrogen shot #2 and rescheduled ultrasound. Got the shot- no big deal. Except Thyrogen makes you feel like dog shit. Glad to be done with it. I went back for the ultrasound and when the tech was finished she said to me "You have some nodes that need to be evaluated." WHAT? I have WHAT? That is pretty high on the list of things you DON'T EVER say to people who have had cancer. I proceed to cry the entire way home and by the time I got home, I'd convinced myself I had cancer again and I would never have a baby. Way to stay positive, Kathy! After crying and stewing about it for far too long, I decided to email my endocrinologist and just see if he could get the results any sooner. He emailed me back at 10:47 on a Friday night. He is amazing. Here is his email to me:

Your pre-thyrogen labs look great and the thyroglobulin is undetectable (just like we want it to be - this is the thyroid cancer marker).

I also have the sono result and the lymph nodes that are seen are benign appearing. We see stuff like this all the time. Nothing to lose sleep over.


He attached the ultrasound report and it says in the findings section: No sonographic evidence to suggest recurrence.NO RECURRENCE!!!
I wanted to make out with him. The relief was unreal. So at the end of the day- I am going to be fine. I don't have cancer anymore. Monday I go for follow up blood work from Thyrogen, but now I'm not worried about that. Phew. 

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Inspiring Words


Thank you Pinterest. I needed that.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Natural Cycle IVF Consult

Hi Melissa!! Miss you friend. Thanks for checking on me. <3

SO! Big news here kids. Big. This blog's about to get busy again. Cause we're going to try to make a baby. Like for realz. Whaaaaaaaat?!?!

So last Friday we went to see the new RE- Dr. G. Dr. G's group specializes in Natural Cycle IVF. Essentially (in theory..) the only issue that we have is getting sperm to meet egg- not enough sperm to survive  the trip to the egg. Natural Cycle IVF is the same process as traditional IVF, but with no stimulation drugs. There is only one shot- a trigger- that allows you to time ovulation for the egg retrieval. You go in for daily blood work and ultrasounds starting on cycle day 10 to monitor your own ovulation. Once you are close to ovulation, you trigger and then 36 hours later the egg is retrieved. It will then be fertilized using ICSI. The clinic only does 5 day transfers- because they try to make sure that the embryos go to blast.

I was so nervous about the sperm issues. But the doctor was SO laid back. And I instantly felt the pressure go away. He said we would check for sperm before egg retrieval and if there were no good sperm- we just try again next month. All I've been through is some ultrasounds and one shot. Not a huge investment like traditional IVF. They said if we don't make it to retrieval- either no sperm or we miss the window- it won't count against insurance as a full cycle. J and I decided to try this for two cycles with insurance. If it doesn't work in two cycles, we'll try stimulated IVF.

And the other news- no repeat HSG! Yahoo!! And what does that mean??

BRING IT ON. I get my period and it's on! Baby Makin City!!

Wahooooo!!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

I'm alive. I swear.

I haven't been in such a blogging mood lately. But it's been a total shit day.

Here's the latest scoop.

1. J went back to the Urologist. Since his last SA was total crap- like worse than it's ever been- I figured that his blood work would show that his testosterone levels were in the shitter and they would simply put him back on Clomid and Arimidex and we would go on our merry way. Except now- his testosterone levels are normal. Whaaaaaaaat? So now there is no explanation for the low count and no reason to put him back on the drugs since they were really aiming to raise his testosterone levels. It's overwhelmingly frustrating to not have anything that we can do to help ourselves. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of cross your fingers and hope for the best. The urologist suggests that he give a sample the day before and the day of the egg retrieval. If there aren't enough sperm, they would have to go in surgically.

2. Our consult with the new RE has been rescheduled 4 times now. The RE's mother was terminally ill and so I can't fault him- just adds to the frustration level. So for now it's scheduled for June 29th. God help me if that date changes. I will cut a bitch.

3. I've been emailing with my endocrinologist. He plays quite the crucial role in all this. He has the power to give the go ahead. The IVF Green Light. My testing for him is scheduled for the week of July 4th. Right after that would be the exact right time for me to have an HSG done. Except tonight he told me that the first follow up he can do is July 23rd. And that pushes everything a whole other month. What's another month at this point? Well today another month feels like another year. I am DONE waiting. I have waited long enough. I am tired of waiting.

4. I hate my job. I especially hate it today, but with all these appointments coming up- it's going to mean that I'll need time off. And right now- it's damn near impossible to get time off. I'm caught in between two managers at work who just want to be in charge. So it's like a giant pissing contest. I don't want to tell the people in Maine about IVF. It's too many questions. I thought I'd be out of this BS call center job by now, but I'm still chained to my headset. I am applying to jobs, but mostly government and let's be for serious- they aren't really known for speed. So now tomorrow I have to go tell my heartless miserable human being of a manager that I need all kinds of time off so I can try to have a baby.

I think the part of all of this infertility crap that I hate the most is the roller coaster of it all. My last post was all happy and cheery. And now here I am, back to feeling hopeless and stressed. I just want this all to be over. One way or the other- I want to close this chapter of my life. It's become far far too long.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Good News From Me?? What What?

I haven't been updating...and well it's really been because it's just more of the same. Awkward family conversation about donor sperm? Check. Bad SA? Check Check.

Annnnnnnnd then today happened. And *POOF* Magically- somehow- I was having the best day ever.

Today two good things happened.

1. Dr. G- my hopefully new RE called me this morning. He called me to reschedule my appointment. He said his mother was dying and he needed to be with her. He called me himself. Not the staff. He called. And he was SO nice. I am irrationally hopeful about the new RE. And even though our consult got moved again- I feel like this might be the best choice for us.

2. J got a job offer today. From a company with the.most.amazing.insurance. Like EVER. Ok, maybe not- but it's pretty damn good. They cover 4 full IVF cycles at 100% and even provide grants towards adoption. It's like he just got a $20,000 bonus.

That changes everything for us. Everything. So many things are possible now. An overwhelming amount of pressure is off our shoulders. I am full of hope for the first time in so long. After two years of shit news, we EARNED this good news.

Today, I am hopeful. And that feels great.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

One Last Update...

Melissa's comment reminded me...

J had his first SA since his surgery (almost a year now) last Thursday. I told myself that I didn't need to care about the results. We still have lots of time to get him back to the Uro and back on whatever drugs he needs to be on so that we can move forward. I haven't been anxiously waiting for the results like I usually do.

So I got the results today. No sperm to freeze. She said there were live sperm in the sample, but nothing worth freezing. I hate this shit.

Now I just have to figure out how to tell my husband.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Long Overdue Update

Lots to update about...

1. J and I made nice after the sperm donor incident. We had to have a long talk about him drinking and his feelings about all of this. I had to explain what I needed from him in terms of support. I think it was most likely a long overdue conversation. And luckily- we landed on our feet and I feel stronger moving forward. We did end up having a talk about using a donor if it came to that. I think it is going to be something we agree to disagree about. J says the only way he would be comfortable with using a donor would be if it was someone in his family. I say the only way I'd be comfortable would be with someone anonymous. So that's the end of that. Donor sperm won't be an option for us. And that's ok.

2. I totally came out of the closet about our infertility during National Infertility Awareness Week. I did it without thinking and had a HUGE panic attack about it. Like I almost deleted my Facebook page cause I was so freaked out about it. I guess it's fine, but holy crap what was I thinking?!? I hope it doesn't bite me in the ass. It's going to be fine, right?

3. I'm three weeks deep in therapy. I think it's helping. I feel like I recognize that the issues I'm having are not related to infertility, but really issues I've had all along, but are just exaggerated by the infertility stuff. And really- the fact that I can recognize them and the fact that the infertility isn't my main issue kind of makes me feel more normal. Kind of. ha ha. My insurance pays for 20 sessions. So I'll go the 20 and see what happens after that.

4. We've decided to explore Natural Cycle IVF. I have no ovulatory dysfunction, so in theory- if we could get past the issues of sperm count- there isn't any reason I shouldn't be able to get pregnant. With the cost savings, it will help take some of the pressure off of IVF. Right now we can only afford one chance. Even if we did shared risk with our current clinic- with the cost of the drugs- we just can't afford to cycle more than once. Natural Cycle IVF is about a quarter of the cost of traditional IVF so if we did that- we could have several cycles of opportunity before we would reach our financial limit. I still have a lot of questions, but we're going to go for a consult sometime in May and just see what happens. J is irrationally hopeful about this option. I'm being more realistic (read: not hopeful). But we'll see.

So lots going on recently. And I'm feeling good. It's almost MAY. Whaaaaaaaat?!? Three more cycles and we'll be trying to have a baby. Yikes.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I am One in Eight.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I've been posting on Facebook this week about Infertility Awareness, Etiquette, Advocacy, etc. I feel like I'm out of the closet. I feel like I am so lucky to have a community of women who support me constantly.

And it makes me SO so so sad for those who suffer through this in silence and shame. So if you are out there and you are reading this- You too may be that one in eight couples who suffer from infertility. But YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

www.resolve.org

Monday, April 16, 2012

Shit My Husband Said

J and I had dinner with his brother and his brother's wife Saturday night. It was quite possibly one of the most embarrassing nights of my life.

Let me preface this with a little story... A little while back- J and I had a TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL conversation about donor sperm. I asked him how he would feel about using a donor if we had to go in that direction. Without even 5 SECONDS of thought- he said to me "Easy- I'll ask my brother."  :::blank stare::: Um, no thank you. I understand his reasoning- then our child would still have his family's gene's. But HOLY FREAKIN CREEPY. I told him that would really be something I'm not sure I could do. I just wasn't sure I would ever be able to get beyond the fact that it would be his brother's baby.  Obviously- being that the conversation was TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL- it was my first gut reaction.

So now you may realize where I'm going with this. So J decided after a little over a bottle of wine, that he should ask his brother (and his brother's wife, mind you) to be a donor for us. Without consulting me. While he was drunk. Over dinner. Enter the most awkward moment ever. J asking for sperm, my brother in law and his wife now making the :::blank stare::: face. I tried my hardest not to cry (I'm a little sensitive these days, I guess) and just tried to change the subject. Until he proceeded to tell them that we'd already talked about it and that I thought it was creepy.

Mortified doesn't even really come close to describing how I felt. Or how I still feel. I woke up the next morning to an email from my brother in law agreeing to donate sperm to us. Ugh. Unreal. I told J that I was upset and he laughed it off. We spent Sunday barely speaking. Today was much of the same. Tonight I finally had to tell him how upset I was. He told me he was sorry and then while I lay in bed crying, he rolled over and went to sleep.

Maybe it's just because I'm in kind of a bad place right now, but I have never felt so abandoned by him as I did tonight. Or discounted. Like my feelings didn't matter to him at all. And it's the saddest thing ever. I feel like I'm so fragile right now. And had you asked me last week, I would have told you that he was the only thing able to hold me together. This week? Can I say the same thing? I'm just not quite sure.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Therapy

I went to therapy yesterday. I guess it was good?? I have no frame of reference for what makes it good or not good. I guess I can't really tell after just one visit. I'm not entirely sure that I will click with this woman, but again- one visit is hard to make a judgement about. So for now I'll keep going.

I guess I didn't really think about what it was that I was looking for from the whole experience. Just to vent? Advice? No idea. I don't think it was just venting. I do that a lot and I feel like I talk about things on my own. So that may be part of the issue. Not quite sure what to expect from the whole experience.

I figure it can't hurt, though.

Boston Recap

Had such a fun trip. I love traveling with my husband. He makes it so enjoyable. The only bad part about the trip was that it was cold. Ok- it was freezing. And we didn't pack for freezing. In my head- it was 65 and sunny. Except it was actually more like 45 degrees. We had a great time- we were tourists and rode segways. (My new favorite thing- seriously- they are so fun. You should try them.) Here is my I'm scared of the Segway picture:

But I got over it and it was super fun. We did a lot of eating- especially in the North End- Boston's Little Italy. The food was amazeballs. It's nice to spend time with J doing new fun things. I'm glad to be able to have these chances. 

Friday, April 6, 2012

Happy Birthday to ME!

Happy Birthday to ME, Happy Birthday to ME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEE!!

I'm 34 today. I love my birthday. It's a whole day of being an attention whore. It's fabulous. I got amazing gifts for my birthday. My friend Brooke sent me a box full of sunshiney things including a new C for my collection and a beautiful bracelet that has an Emily Dickenson poem stamped into it. "Hope is a thing with feathers" and the inside reads "that perches in the soul". I love it and I love Brooke.

Two weeks ago J and I went to an art show and bought a piece of art- A Penny. I love it. It was delivered and is now hanging in my living room.

J came and had lunch with me at work and he gave me a very pretty black diamond necklace. A girl can never have too few diamonds, right? I bought myself new Tory Burch sunglasses and tomorrow we fly to Boston for a long weekend.

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am and how many people I have in my life that are so so good to me. So despite everything that is troubling me, I am such a lucky girl. I am so thankful for what I have. Especially my J. Without him, I would be nothing.

34 is going to be a good year.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

FML

Those yahoos at work changed my work schedule. And they couldn't really have come up with worse hours if they tried. The hours only changed by one little hour, but in communing land- that's all it needs. I was already going into work super early just to avoid the traffic, but this will be terrible. I think the worst part is that I won't be home till likely 7:30 at night. That means it will be near impossible to do anything after work.

I'm applying like crazy for jobs. Hopefully something comes through.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Just My Luck

This weekend we spent time with some old friend's of J's. And I almost committed a felony. A legit felony. Because I almost strangled a man this weekend. More than once.

I can't even do the back story justice- it's way to long to type out, but I'll give you the highlights. J's friend M is married to a lady who looks like Mimi from the Drew Carey show. They have three kids together. And the poor kids are totally neglected. Neglected to the point where they have pretty severe behavioral problems. M left Mimi and the kids (but didn't get divorced) and is now with his new girlfriend and their child K. Stay with me- total of 4 kids. So Mimi and the first three are on welfare and food stamps because Mimi REFUSES to work. M doesn't see his first three kids because he and Mimi don't get along.

So this weekend I spent ALL.FREAKING.DAY. listening to him blame Mimi for all the problems the kids have. UM HELLO?!?! WHERE WERE YOU BUDDY??  His three kids are living in total squalor while he sits back blaming Mimi and doing nothing about it. Ugh. I swear I thought I was going to put a butter knife through his eye. Meanwhile his 5 year old is running around the Natural History Museum and he has no idea where she is half the time. Worst parent ever. For serious. I told J that I couldn't take any more and that he was SO lucky that I could just shut my mouth.

This guy has 4 kids. And we'll shell out thousands of dollars just to get a shot at one. Tell me please how that is fair.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Adoption Talk

This past weekend J brought up adoption. If you've read my posts lately, you'll see why this was like the worst timing ever. In the past, I would have been so happy to talk about this stuff with him. But my emotional tank is on a big fat E lately. I can't even imagine talking about adoption. That is like a whole world that I know nothing about.

Don't take this the wrong way- I was adopted myself and love the idea of adoption, but there is SO much I don't know about the process that I can't even think about starting to think about all that.

I also think that he wants to talk adoption because of my recent freak outs. I'm pretty sure he thinks that the next few months and then IVF will end with me in a padded room, crying and rocking. His solution? Let's adopt! For reals- I hate this shit.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Admitting Defeat?

Maybe it's just being proactive? Yes. Let's call it that.

Did a lot of thinking this weekend. And well I had yet another melt down. I had full intentions of attending the 3rd birthday party of a friend of mine from college's son. And I just couldn't make myself go. I had a panic attack about 30 minutes before we were supposed to leave and ended up crying in my bed. J seriously has no idea what to do with me when this happens. And I think it's really starting to freak him out too. On top of that- I think my most recent string of unhappiness comes from more than just all this infertility business.

I'm pretty unhappy with my weight lately. My eating habits have gone right into the shitter. So that is the first change. I need to get moving and I need to start changing the way I eat. Pronto. I've been making 1000 excuses in my head about why I haven't started doing this, but now there is no excuse anymore. I need to get my act together.

I've decided to try therapy. My anxiety is getting worse and worse. And I'm MONTHS away from treatment. I think that rather than let myself spiral away, that I should try to be a bit proactive and learn to manage things as we go. I'm going to call two people from my insurance website and see where I get with that. Ugh.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

A long week

Lots of updates.

1. I had a big huge super mega embarrassing melt down in the mall food court last weekend. This whole time I've been firmly in the camp of "Don't get upset about babies and pregnant people. They are everywhere and you can't hide from them." And that works out for me most of the time. Last Saturday, I woke up in a bad mood and J and I had to get a birthday gift for a friend. SO to the mall we went. He wanted a drink so as he's at the food court paying for his drink- I suddenly felt surrounded by strollers and babies and pregnant ladies. And I stood there crying. In the food court. J turns around with drink in hand and looks at me like I'm a complete and total crazycakes. One of my finer moments. Ugh. I hate this shit.

2. Got a job offer this week that for a while seemed pretty good- until I got the paperwork via email and realized that they wanted me to be a consultant (on a temporary basis...) at a 1099 rate that would have put me about 30k down from my current W2 rate. Um, thanks- but no thanks. Back to the search.

3. J went back to the Uro. SA is scheduled for April 13th. Friday the 13th. I know that shouldn't matter, but why fuck with karma?? We stood at the desk at the RE's office making the appointment and picking up the little cups and made sperm jokes with the lady there. Uncomfortable? Not at the RE's office. Anywho- Depending on SA and blood work, he'll go back on the same cocktail as last time. Please let there be live sperm.

4. After the Uro, we had dinner with my sister and her family. I love my nephew and my niece. I have a hard time tolerating my sister and her parenting techniques. Ugh.

So it's been a week. My birthday is coming up and we're taking a trip to Boston. I'm already looking forward to the time off of work. My job is slowly sucking my will to live these days.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

A Good Anniversary

1 year ago today I found out that I have Thyroid Cancer.

And today I AM CANCER FREE!!

Thyroid Cancer, you can SUCK A FAT ONE.

Monday, March 12, 2012

The Uphill Ride

Click, Click, Click...

The ride up the giant IVF hill has begun. I talked to my IVF nurse today for the first time since I found out that I had cancer. She was just as nice as she was when we were first cycling. She wanted to know how I was feeling and how J was doing. She was so happy to hear that I am now cancer free. She's excited to hear that we are cycling again. It was nice to hear someone be optimistic.

J goes next week for another semen analysis. The first since surgery. Let the anxiety begin.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

2 Years Deep

And nothing to show for it. ::sigh::

About a year ago I made THIS post. And here I am another year in and still in the same place. Nothing to show for it. My level of anxiety about the future of our family (or lack there of???) is on the rise. I'm terrified of IVF and what will happen if it doesn't work. I'm terrified of all the decisions we'll have to make. I'm afraid of having testing done after what they found the last time. It's all so overwhelming. And even though we're months away from actually starting- the time will go quickly and then I'll have to face it. I'll have to face the possibility of things not going well.

I never thought I would have gone through all of this. You know when you go up the big hill on a roller coaster and you can hear that click click click all the way up the hill? I hate that part. And it seems like it takes so long to get up that hill for such a short ride. That is what this feels like- the hill is HUGE and the ride to the top is so long. It's been a whole year of click click click all the way up to the top. What happens when I get to the top? Will I like the ride? Will it make me sick? And then how does it end?

Too many questions. So much unknown. It's terrifying. But I have no choice, right?

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

IVF Update

So when was the last time you saw one of these? It's been a while.

It's odd to even be thinking about this stuff for real. I mean we're creeping up on our 2 year anniversary of trying to have a baby. (FML) and I feel like just NOW we're even getting a shot to maybe do this for real.

So after my trip to the endocrinologist last week- it looks like we are heading for an August or September IVF cycle. I have one thyroid cancer hurdle to make it over- my thyrogen challenge. That consists of two shots of thyrogen and blood work. If there is still cancer floating around somewhere, the thyrogen will stimulate a marker in my blood. If that comes back negative, I'll just have an ultrasound of my neck and be on my merry IVF having way. I've scheduled that test for right after July 4th. It looks like I'm going to have to repeat all our testing (HSG, etc.) so I inquired about all of that stuff and if I could do that ahead of time. If there was a chance that my blood work would come back showing signs of cancer, I would have to have another iodine scan. If I had my HSG (which uses iodine dye), and then ended up needed another scan- it could delay the timing of the scan. So he told me to hold off on the HSG until after he can confirm that no further scan is needed.

On the sperm side of the house- J will go back to the Uro at the end of the month. It's been soooooo long since he's made love to the plastic cup and it's time to see how the boys are doing. He's lost about 115lbs since his last SA. I'm anxious to find out if that had any impact on his sperm count. If not- he'll go back to his little Clomid/Arimidex cocktail ad we'll see how that goes.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Cancer AGAIN?!? WTF?

Ok first of all- No- I don't have cancer again. I just thought for like 4 hours that I did. And let me tell you. That was THE LONGEST 4 HOURS EVER. I had a follow up with my endocrinologist this week. It was a totally anxiety free event for me- I'll go, he'll feel my neck, take some blood, and I'll be on my merry way.

So onto the neck feeling part. Usually he gives me a cup of water and I swallow and he feels. (Dirty, huh? ha ha) and normally he says "I can't feel anything. Everything feels normal.". Except this visit. At this visit he said "I think I feel something enlarged."

Just sayin, but ENLARGED is like the worst word ever to hear from the person who diagnosed you with cancer. :::cue panic:::

Per my normal process, as soon as he said the word ENLARGED, I went to the worst possible place. In my head I was having surgery again and we would never have a baby. In reality, he sent me to radiology for an ultrasound of my neck. I was fit into the schedule which meant nothing but lots of waiting and time spent thinking about my upcoming fake surgery and my lack of offspring. So while I sat stewing in a total panic, it turned out that it was all for nothing.

I do have a enlarged lymph node in my neck, but it's not big enough to be scary and you can have enlarged lymph nodes for about a billion reasons. :::deep deep breaths:::

Cancer seriously fucking sucks.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Personhood SUCKS.

The Virginia House of Representatives just passed VA House Bill 1 recently. Here is the summary direct from the bill:

Rights of unborn children. Provides that unborn children at every stage of development enjoy all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of the Commonwealth, subject only to the laws and constitutions of Virginia and the United States, precedents of the United States Supreme Court, and provisions to the contrary in the statutes of the Commonwealth.

So why should you be opposed to Personhood Bills? (Or I guess why am I?) Well essentially the passage of these bills will make it near impossible to practice reproductive medicine. Doctors and patients can be held criminally liable for anything that were to happen to embryos.

It does specifically state in the bill that practices of infertility treatment are exempt, but the language used is horribly vague and dangerous.

And by the by- there are about 1000 other terrible thing that go along with this bill- Umm forcing a woman who is having an abortion due to rape to submit to a transvaginal ultrasound before the procedure? So kind. So here are some references for you to read up on Personhood. If this is impacting your state- write to your state legislators and make your voice heard!

Click HERE to read the American Society for Reproductive Medicine's opinion.
Click HERE to read RESOLVES Personhood Talking Points.
Click HERE to read the entire bill- Virginia House Bill 1.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

I've been Tagged!

I've been tagged by Living Our Life in Cycles. Thanks for tagging me! Here we go!

Here are the rules:

1) First post the rules.
2) Answer 11 questions from the person that tagged you.
3) Create 11 NEW questions for the people you tag.
4) Tag people and link them to your post.
5) Let them know that you tagged them.

  1. What kind of sleeper are you? Stomach, side, stomach, all of the above I am a side sleeper. Well I fall asleep on my side. After that all bets are off.
  2. What is your favorite app on your cell phone- if you have that kind of phone My favorite is the Nook App. I've been reading a lot lately.
  3. If you could have any wild animal as a pet what would you have? Why? A monkey! Like one of those cute baby chimps. They seem so have so much personality.
  4. If you have any super power what would you choose? Why? Time travel. I'd like to have my husband meet my father.
  5. What is your favorite candy? Usually I'm into fruity candy like Starbursts or Skittles. But I do love Heath Bars too. Toffee is gooood.
  6. What is your favorite season? Spring. Love being able to open the windows!
  7. What one movie could you watch over and over again? Grease 2. Way better than the first.
  8. If you HAD to move to another state or country where would you go? Really anywhere in Europe, but if I had to pick- Spain. Another state- would prefer somewhere that I don't have to shovel a lot of snow.
  9. Are you a night or morning person? Um, neither really. I'm a get up without the alarm clock around 7:30 kinda girl. So not early morning, but I don't sleep so late anymore.
  10. Biggest pet peeve? Ugh. There are a lot.
  11. What's your favorite website to visit? Probably Facebook.

Here are MY questions:
  1. If you had to eat one food every day for the rest of your life, what would it be?
  2. Who was the last person you called and what did you talk about?
  3. Do you like candles? What kind of scents?
  4. If you could have dinner with any celebrity, who would it be?
  5. What is the last good book you read?
  6. Do you collect anything? How did you start?
  7. Do you have a nickname?
  8. Zombies are attacking. Do you run or stay and fight?
  9. If you had to spend $1000 on yourself, how would you spend it?
  10. What is your dream car?
  11. What color are your bathroom towels?
I'm tagging (and please forgive and ignore if you've already been tagged)

  1. Brooke at Invisible Finish Line

Um, Wow. So everyone's blog that I follow has already been tagged. SO I tag no one! ha ha

I am alive, I swear.

Um, sorry for the enormous blogging hiatus. Totally didn't mean to do that. Where has the time gone?? It's almost freakin March?!?

So I'm home. Er, I've been home for a while now. I'd be lying if I said I missed Maine. Cause I don't. It was good to come home to my husband and have lots of "I haven't seen you in two weeks sex". Brown Chicken Brown Cow! ha ha

And now I'm back at work where my job is slowly sucking my will to live. I've been cut off from the internet during the day. I can only do a little web surfing from my phone in between phone calls. This really means almost none. I'm working in a call center now- chained to the phone all the live long day and by the time I get home, I have no interest in computers or telephones, really. It fries my brain for the most part. So I've been reading at night in place of interwebz surfing. Reading so much that I may make it to 75 books this year!!??!? Whoa.

I'm going to blog more, I swear. Things are picking up and hopefully we're going to get back to all that baby making. More on that to come.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

I lied.

I said Maine wasn't so bad, but I lied. Holy Shiz. I am so bored and I miss my husband. GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! AHHHHHHHHhhhhh!!!

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Answers!


Thanks for your questions! I know I'm late, but here are the answers!

MH- I 100% owe you an email. Coming soon- stay tuned!


Share with me an embarrassing moment from college or high school.

Hmmm...Well let's see. Junior Year at Beach Week I wet my pants running home to t
he house so we wouldn't be late for curfew. My friends mom (who was chaperoning) almost wet hers laughing at me.

Favorite tv show? book?

TV show is the Big Bang Theory. It's pretty much the only show that I watch on the regular. I love all the nerd humor. My favorite book is Good in

Bed by Jennifer Weiner. I can 100% relate to the main character.

Were you named after anyone?

Not that I know of, really. I just know that my Mom named my sister so my name was left to my father. My mom wanted Katherine, but my Dad pulled for Kathleen and wouldn't budge. It's nice knowing that, especially now that he's gone.

What was your song for you wedding? Is there another song, that's silly and not wedding appropriate that reminds you of DH?


Our wedding song was "Feels Like Home" by Chantal Kreviazuk It describes our relationship to a T. The only other song that always reminds me of J is Livin on a Prayer. LOL. When we were dating, it came on the radio and he sang the line that says "Gina dreams of running away" as "Cheetah Cheetah running away". Who doesn't know the words to Livin on Prayer?!? I still giggle when I think about how sure of himself he was that he had the lyrics right.

How is your husband since his surgery? Any before and after pics to share?

Hey- Thanks for asking! (and reading too!) He's doing great, actually. He's down about 110lbs since May. Pretty crazy, right? He is pretty sensitive to sugar, but other than that- he feels great. I don't have any before Pics here in Maine, but here's a pic of him standing in one leg of his old jeans. I colored in his face- he would FR-eakkkk out if he knew I was posting him on the internet.
Even though you have to be away for your job right now, what has been your favorite part of Maine?

Ha- Um there isn't a favorite part?!? I've been pretty miserable here, actually. It's frozen up here, fo sho. But the people are all SUPER nice and have welcomed us with open arms. That part is really nice.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Not in the Metro DC area- too expensive! Maybe somewhere in North Carolina? We're actually still trying to figure that out!

Maine v2.0

Coming to you live from Maine! I was smart enough to bring my computer for this second stint in Maine. I decided two weeks was too long to be separated from the interwebz. We did some sightseeing this weekend and went to the Easternmost point in the US- Luebec, Maine. It was sunny out, but still pretty chilly. Here are a few shots of the West Quoddy Head Lighthouse in Lubec:
Maine is ok. It's cold and boring, but it's fine. We're getting the work done that we need to get done and that's what really matters. J is not a good phone talker, so I find myself missing him even more. I have a hard time falling asleep by myself so I have to take Tyenol PM. Gah- I'm just ready to go home and get my regular life back in order.

And PS- it's *this* close to being February. WTF?? I spent all of my January in Maine and now it's over. I'm hopeful that the rest of the year goes just as quickly.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Ask Me Anything!

Shameless plea for comments? Perhaps.

I think I'm back in Main and just super mega bored. But I have a computer! So ask away, blog readers!

What do you want to know? What can I share with you?

Sunday, January 15, 2012

My Trip to Maine


Here are some Maine pics and a few highlights....

The view from the Inn where we stayed. We face the Machias River (which promptly froze about a week later). The Inn was really nice, actually. Very cozy despite having to share a bathroom with Coworker Kim.


The Innkeepers run a restaurant in town called Helen's. They have two amazing things there. 1. Pie as shown above. Chocolate Coconut Pie. YUM. There was a lot of this pie going on while I was there. 2. On Tuesday nights, they serve what might be THE BEST mac and cheese I've ever had. It's the only thing I'm looking forward to about my return trip to Maine.

These are the radio towers on Cutler Navy Base. We visited the base one day (about a 45 minute drive from town) to have our computers fixed. Huge base, but not much around that area. We also learned that Cutler is where lots of the Lobster Fishermen live.
This is me making every attempt not to freeze to death outside the Dunkin Donuts. Needless to say- there is no Starbucks in Machias.
It gets dark in Maine at 4pm. And not just dusk- PITCH BLACK DARK. Note the time on the clock and the blackness of it all. It's dark as a mother clucker. And there is hardly any light in town. A few street lights, but no stop lights. In fact- I drove to 90 miles to Bangor and didn't see my first stop light for about 60 miles.

I drove back to Bangor on Thursday in a snow storm. In a rented Chevy Cruz. Not fun, people. Not fun. The people in Maine are totally used to driving in this kind of mess. They drive big cars, tiny cars- who cares. Those of us who reside below the Mason Dixon line aren't so accustomed to driving in all the white stuff. Needless to say- it was a long ass trip and I was stressed out the whole time.