Seriously. Let it end.

J and I took ourselves out to a Japanese Steak House for dinner tonight. We had the pleasure of sharing a table with two couples both armed with small children. The women spent THE ENTIRE dinner discussing/planning when they would next get pregnant. For fucks sake- Please let this year just END.

Peace out 2011. Fo Sho.

What I've Learned This Year

I'm a day or two early, but the weekend will be busy. 2011 sucked. I can't even try to sugar coat it. But even through all the sucky parts, I would be lying if I said I didn't learn anything.

So what I learned this year was...

1. Cancer sucks. It's scary- even when the prognosis is excellent.

2. Despite my independence, if anything were to happen to my husband, I would be useless. He is so intertwined with me now that I'm not sure I would ever want to function without him.

3. I am done doing things for the sole purpose of obligation. There's GOT to be a better reason than that. I don't always accomplish this, but I'm getting better at it.

4. J and I have an excellent 5 year plan in place. We are great at making decisions together.

5. I'm committed in the upcoming year to find some new hobbies.

6. My job is just a thing that provides me with a paycheck and fuels the 5 year plan. If I didn't need money, I would quit today with no regrets.

7. As much as I hate to admit it, I kind of love South Park.

8. Infertility is terrible. It's unfair. It's terrifying. I hope that one day I can see the other side of that coin.

9. The older I get, the more I am able to appreciate my mother and all she has done for me.

10. More and more, I understand that life never seems to go as planned.

When I Grow Up

When I grow up, I want to be a ______________.

You'd think that when I was rounding the corner to 34 that I'd be able to fill in that blank. But yeah, no clue. When I was in my early 20's, I would have told you that I wanted to do research. Psychological research. And then I would have said that eventually, somewhere along the way, I'd like to have a family.

With all the job hating that's been going on recently, J and I have had a lot of conversation about where my job/career is going. Is this a time to think about making a change? Can we afford that? How does that change our plan? I've been up way past my bed time tonight thinking about this. I got a call for an interview tomorrow. It's pretty much the same kind of job that I have now. They promised me at least at $10,000 raise. But it's in the city. And I'm dreading even going to the interview. I'm dreading it because they will throw a bunch of money at me and ask me to come work for them. And then I'll have to fill in that blank up there.

So through all this- what I've been thinking about is my stupid infertility. Do you plan your life around something that doesn't exist yet? Something that may never exist? Or do you charge forward as if that thing wasn't what you really want most? Will that 2 hour commute to the city wreck my family life? Will I have a family life? Will I have a family?

Now that I'm in my 30's (almost mid-30's YIKES) and you asked me to fill in the blank, my first answer is that I want to be a Mom. And a $10,000 raise isn't worth compromising that goal or making it any harder than it already is.

A Not Mean Post About Christmas

Christmas was great. Or great-ish. The part with J was great. He is really the best gift giver on the planet. I am spoiled. I got a beautiful diamond and pearl necklace. He is amazeballs. He suggested that we go to Maryland early to go to church with my Mom. It was really the best gift she got. I think she appreciated us being there more than anything. And my ex-boyfriends parents sat next to her- awkward.

Then we baked cookies and got the food ready. My sister swooped in with the kids. Oh my sweet little nephew. I love him to pieces. He's almost 2 and is talking and saying Santa and Merry Christmas and Ho Ho Ho. He wants you to read books to him. He melts my heart. It's so much fun to see Christmas through their eyes.

My mom gave us a ridiculous amount of money for Christmas. And even without her telling me, I know she did it because she spends so much on my sister's kids and she feels like she has to even the score. She's so generous, but all it did was remind me that we have no kids.

I'm desperately hoping that next year's Christmas post will be different.

An Actual Christmas Conversation

A little back story: My sister, C, has two kids. I got diamonds for Christmas from J. (I know, he's kind of awesome)

I was on the phone with my sister today asking her about what her plans were for the day.

J was talking with my mom.

My mom: "C is jealous that you get Kathy diamonds for Christmas."

J: "Kathy would gladly trade everything in the universe for her two kids."

And THAT is why I married J.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!