Tuesday, December 27, 2011

When I Grow Up

When I grow up, I want to be a ______________.

You'd think that when I was rounding the corner to 34 that I'd be able to fill in that blank. But yeah, no clue. When I was in my early 20's, I would have told you that I wanted to do research. Psychological research. And then I would have said that eventually, somewhere along the way, I'd like to have a family.

With all the job hating that's been going on recently, J and I have had a lot of conversation about where my job/career is going. Is this a time to think about making a change? Can we afford that? How does that change our plan? I've been up way past my bed time tonight thinking about this. I got a call for an interview tomorrow. It's pretty much the same kind of job that I have now. They promised me at least at $10,000 raise. But it's in the city. And I'm dreading even going to the interview. I'm dreading it because they will throw a bunch of money at me and ask me to come work for them. And then I'll have to fill in that blank up there.

So through all this- what I've been thinking about is my stupid infertility. Do you plan your life around something that doesn't exist yet? Something that may never exist? Or do you charge forward as if that thing wasn't what you really want most? Will that 2 hour commute to the city wreck my family life? Will I have a family life? Will I have a family?

Now that I'm in my 30's (almost mid-30's YIKES) and you asked me to fill in the blank, my first answer is that I want to be a Mom. And a $10,000 raise isn't worth compromising that goal or making it any harder than it already is.

2 comments:

  1. Just wanted to send my love to you. I turn 31 tomorrow, and I have no idea what I wanna do either. I have a master's degress, a license to practice therapy, and I don't even want to do that anymore. I always wanted to be an OB or NICU nurse, and then Adam died. I have no idea what I'll do with myself when I go back to work. Seems I'll be settling which just sounds awful. Anyway, ranting. Hugs, always.

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  2. Fvck we're old! I say since IVF time is so close that you should wait a little before taking a job in the city. There will always be jobs like this in the city. Obvs what you need to find is a job closer to home so I'd keep trying for one of those. Good luck at your interview if you decide to go!

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