Yeah for me!

I made it through the whole day yesterday without crying. Win for me! JC and I had the chance to chat a bit about what might happen at the RE and what our choices might be. He's scared of the financial impact to us. I haven't even started to think about that part. I'm scared of all the drugs involved. Oh and scared that it won't work. All cart before the horse, clearly. I guess it's freaking me out because it seems like usually people go through a long series of treatments before getting into IVF territory. So it's a little bit like we're in the deep end of the pool and need some major floaties or a noodle or something. Total NOOBS in the IF world. We have a lot to learn!

I've been reading this book- The Infertilty Survival Handbook. You can find it here. It is awesome. It's written in this way where you feel like you are friends with the author and she's telling you all this stuff over a double tall soy mocha latte drink. It's just validated a lot of the lonely, scary feeling parts. Highly recommended. Thank you 3T Ladies for the good recommendation!

Thankful Thursday

In the midst of all this madness, I have so much to be thankful for.

I am thankful for my job. I work for a great company and have great co-workers.
I am thankful that JC and I have each other.
I am thankful for the handful of people who have listened to me cry for the last few days.

How does this work?

I have no idea how to deal with this.

How do I not cry every day because JC and I may never have children? How do I explain it to my family? How will I ever be able to go to a baby shower without having a break down? How do I not avoid people all together because faking it is just too hard right now?

I don't know how to do any of those things. Not yet.

I heart Pat McGee Band

There's nothin like waking up lonely
The weight of the world on your mind

You lay there and listen to your heart beat
And you try to stop wanting someone else's life

And you think about a change

You're looking so hard for the reasons
You swear that you'll figure it out

You find something else to believe in
And you don't know why everything is closing in

And you think about a change

-Maybe It's Time, Pat McGee Band

Today's Goal

I just wanted to make it through the day without crying at work. Guess that is not happening. I made it till almost 8am, though so I guess that is a bonus.

Men are from Mars

I always want him to have the same reaction to everything as I do. If I am upset about something- clearly he must be too, right?

We'll never have natural chidlren and while I sit here half crying and fixing my blog, he's downstairs cracking up watching re-runs of The Big Bang Theory.

I'm sure he's upset in his own way, right? I have to stop expecting a reaction from him or I will just feel disappointed or something.

Worst.Words.Ever

So today we got the results of JC's S/A.

I got a text from him that just said "Real Low. Not good. They told me to go see a fertility specialist".

Did you get any numbers? Did you ask any questions? GRRRRrrrrrr...When will he learn?? Of course I'm already upset and trying with everything I have to keep my shit together at work. (PS- didn't really work, only kind of)

After a lot of back and forth getting faxes- I get the report. No clue what I was thinking- like if I got the report I would just figure it out. So there I am in my cube googling "Normal Sperm Analysis". I'm sure my IT guy would have a field day with me lately. I leave a message for my doctor and give up on trying to translate the numbers.

She finally called right after 5pm. She explains all the numbers. His count is "exceedingly low". So low that they couldn't even get a measure of morphology or motility. Awesome.

Then she said the worst thing ever to me. "If the numbers stay as they are, you will never be able to have children naturally." Worst.Words.Ever. It was like someone had just pulled all the air out of the room and I couldn't get a breath to save my life. My eyes are almost swollen shut.

Tomorrow I call the RE.