Monday, April 16, 2012

Shit My Husband Said

J and I had dinner with his brother and his brother's wife Saturday night. It was quite possibly one of the most embarrassing nights of my life.

Let me preface this with a little story... A little while back- J and I had a TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL conversation about donor sperm. I asked him how he would feel about using a donor if we had to go in that direction. Without even 5 SECONDS of thought- he said to me "Easy- I'll ask my brother."  :::blank stare::: Um, no thank you. I understand his reasoning- then our child would still have his family's gene's. But HOLY FREAKIN CREEPY. I told him that would really be something I'm not sure I could do. I just wasn't sure I would ever be able to get beyond the fact that it would be his brother's baby.  Obviously- being that the conversation was TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL- it was my first gut reaction.

So now you may realize where I'm going with this. So J decided after a little over a bottle of wine, that he should ask his brother (and his brother's wife, mind you) to be a donor for us. Without consulting me. While he was drunk. Over dinner. Enter the most awkward moment ever. J asking for sperm, my brother in law and his wife now making the :::blank stare::: face. I tried my hardest not to cry (I'm a little sensitive these days, I guess) and just tried to change the subject. Until he proceeded to tell them that we'd already talked about it and that I thought it was creepy.

Mortified doesn't even really come close to describing how I felt. Or how I still feel. I woke up the next morning to an email from my brother in law agreeing to donate sperm to us. Ugh. Unreal. I told J that I was upset and he laughed it off. We spent Sunday barely speaking. Today was much of the same. Tonight I finally had to tell him how upset I was. He told me he was sorry and then while I lay in bed crying, he rolled over and went to sleep.

Maybe it's just because I'm in kind of a bad place right now, but I have never felt so abandoned by him as I did tonight. Or discounted. Like my feelings didn't matter to him at all. And it's the saddest thing ever. I feel like I'm so fragile right now. And had you asked me last week, I would have told you that he was the only thing able to hold me together. This week? Can I say the same thing? I'm just not quite sure.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Therapy

I went to therapy yesterday. I guess it was good?? I have no frame of reference for what makes it good or not good. I guess I can't really tell after just one visit. I'm not entirely sure that I will click with this woman, but again- one visit is hard to make a judgement about. So for now I'll keep going.

I guess I didn't really think about what it was that I was looking for from the whole experience. Just to vent? Advice? No idea. I don't think it was just venting. I do that a lot and I feel like I talk about things on my own. So that may be part of the issue. Not quite sure what to expect from the whole experience.

I figure it can't hurt, though.

Boston Recap

Had such a fun trip. I love traveling with my husband. He makes it so enjoyable. The only bad part about the trip was that it was cold. Ok- it was freezing. And we didn't pack for freezing. In my head- it was 65 and sunny. Except it was actually more like 45 degrees. We had a great time- we were tourists and rode segways. (My new favorite thing- seriously- they are so fun. You should try them.) Here is my I'm scared of the Segway picture:

But I got over it and it was super fun. We did a lot of eating- especially in the North End- Boston's Little Italy. The food was amazeballs. It's nice to spend time with J doing new fun things. I'm glad to be able to have these chances.