I swear I'm alive.

And still pregnant. It's just not until recently until I can stay awake long enough to do anything productive.

I've been so anxious about this baby. Do you tell or do you not tell? How do you have any idea if things are going ok in there? You're just counting the minutes until the next ultrasound and trying not to go totally insane.

I had to find a new OB cause I moved. So I did that and turns out that I kind of love him. And he's kinda cute too. That helps. He made me feel like things would be ok. Gave me a pap and said I'll see you in four weeks. Um, what? 4 WHOLE WEEKS? I'm totes used to Le Baby Factory where they talk to you daily. I don't do well with 4 weeks in between. Gah!

So to ease the pain of the wait- I ordered a doppler. Except then I could never find the heartbeat. And the anxiety got worse. J FINALLY found it for me about two days before the NT Scan. PHEW. I scheduled my NT Scan and first trimester screening for Friday July 5th. I had the day off so we headed to the MFM. The ultrasound was ah-maz-ing. No more is the babe a blob or a gummy bear looking creature, but it looks like a for serious baby. And you could see everything. Little heart beating away. Arms and legs wiggling around. Unreal. All of that going on inside my body while I don't feel a thing. Just unreal. We had great measurements and now just waiting for blood work to come back. The MFM likes to monitor IVF patients (and told me he knows that I'm going through ultrasound withdrawal) so he's having me come back at 16 weeks just for a growth scan. Thank you sweet baby jebus. I would hate to have to wait till 20 weeks. Nightmare.

Anyway- I'm doing great. We've told the world about the baby. And I'll blog again. Pinky swear.

Meet My Baby

One perfect little baby. Heart beating away at 120 beats per minute. Already the love of my life.

May 28, 2013 6w6d

Then today I got this. 8w2d Heart still beating away in there. 

I said goodbye to my nurse and my RE. And now I'm just a regular pregnant lady. What?? I'm a pregnant lady. So surreal. So thankful for every day with that little heartbeat. 

Last Beta

6839! Whoa. Maybe there really are two baking in there.

No more betas. Now we wait for the big show. Ultrasound. I'm scheduled for 5/28. LONGEST.WAIT.EVER.

In the meantime, I'm moving back in with my Mom this weekend. Well WE'RE moving in with my Mom. I guess J and Boo Kitty can come too. And then right after that my Mom's having heart surgery. It's gonna be a loooong two weeks. I need it to be June.

Beta #2!

1930! That's a doubling time of 42.5 hours. I'm feeling good about the numbers. So now just one more beta and then we'll schedule the ultrasound. And in the meantime, we'll move. Ugh. Why can't we ever just do one thing at a time??

Beta #1 is in!

883. Um, is this real life?? 883. Holy Crap.
Repeat beat is Thursday.

Yep. Still pregnant.

This is so shameful. Cause that's not even all of them. I've been peeing on lots-o-sticks. Lots. But my lines are getting darker and they appear faster. And for now- I'll take that as a good sign. Beta is like a billion trillion years away. Sike- it's on Tuesday, but it feels like it will never come. It's also next to impossible to not to tell every.single.person. Worst Best Secret of LIFE.

6dp5dt

Maybe not an evap line, huh?

Holy Shit. I'm having a baby. I'm going to be a MOM. 

Beta is still over a week away. That's like forever.

PS- If I know you IRL- NOT a peep about this. NADA. I haven't even told my Mom yet. 

5dp5dt

I've mixed meds, done like a bazillion shots, but taking a pregnancy test- a total mystery to me. Ugh. I haven't done this for serious in a long time. I acted like SUCH a NOOB today. I woke up, POAS, saw that the test was stark white and pitched it. An hour later- I saw this. See that SUPER faint line? My internet friends saw it too. And I have NO FREAKIN CLUE WHEN IT ARRIVED?!?! UGGGHHH! How could I do this to myself??? 

So now I wait. I wait to pee tomorrow. I went out and bought First Response tests today. 

Holy crap what if this worked?

What I'm Listening To

John Mayer's Heart of Life

I usually hate John Mayer. Ok, well I don't hate him, but he's so annoying. I heard this song and it reminded me of J. It sounds like something he would say to me when I found out someone else was pregnant, or when IVF #1 failed. He's the best. My J- not John Mayer, that is. Mayer's just ok.

My favorite lyrics:
You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then, circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good.

Fun's Carry On

I'm really lucky to have just about the best little group of interwebz friends EV-ER. 75 women who have stuck by me through all kinds of bullshit. They are pretty amazing. My friend Kati (you can find her blog here) made a little tribute video for our 75 and this song was in it. It's just about the best song for a sunny day with all your windows down and singing at the top of your lungs. Wanna see the video? It's super mega awesome. Click HERE. 

My favorite lyrics:

If you're lost and alone

And you're sinking like a stone

Carry On

May your past be the sound 

Of your feet upon the ground

Carry On

PUPO. Again

Introducing Mary Lou Reton (on the left) and Reggie Boop (on the right).

We transferred these beauties today- Mary Lou is a highly graded expanded blast (a gold medal winner, clearly) and Reggie Boop is just a hair behind Mary Lou. Transfer went perfectly and both my RE and the doc that did the transfer said we should be very optimistic. Beta is scheduled for May 14th. I'll never make it until then. I'll b\pee on all the sticks long before then. 

Seven.

All 8 were mature. Seven fertilized. SEVEN! As of yesterday- they were all 4 cells and growing normally. We were pushed to a 5 day transfer on Tuesday. HELLO RELIEF! So much better than last cycle.

DANGEROUSLY hopeful.

Eight is my new favorite number.

I haven't posted much about this IVF cycle. Well haven't posted anything about it. I feel like I talked SO much about the last cycle that it made it so consuming. Then having it fail, learning of my DOR diagnosis, and   having to tell EVERYONE that we talked with about it that it didn't work made me go into the closet with this one. My interwebz friends know what's going on as well as a very few select and wonderful people in real life. And that was enough for me this go around. I just didn't want to update everyone every single day and talk about it non stop. I think it would have made me batty.

So here's my update all in one post! We maxed out on stims from day 1. And lemme tell ya, that's a lot of drugs. LOTS. Thank goodness for insurance cause I probably blew through $8,000 in drugs this cycle. Yikes! Things started out slowly- but started improving relative to last cycle. My e2 levels were rising better, my follicle counts were higher, my attitude was better. We triggered Tuesday and had retrieval today.

8 eggs! Holy Shit! 8! I was hoping for anything over 4, but I was so relieved when the nurse told me 8. I'm in quite a bit more pain today than last time, but I'm taking my vicoden and rolling with it. I'm going to go into work tomorrow and just see how I feel. I should get the fert report tomorrow as well. At my last monitoring appointment on Tuesday they were all really close in size so I'm hoping that will lead to high numbers of mature eggs. J was also scheduled for a surgical extraction of sperm as a back up this morning and based on the SA from yesterday and the fact that we have frozen sperm as a back up- it was cancelled and we were told it wasn't necessary. So far- all good news. We're planning for a 3 day transfer on Sunday unless we hear otherwise.

Cross everything. Everything you have. I'm dangerously hopeful.

Yeah. Starting Again.

Can't you sense the excitement? I have been neglecting the blog. But it's just cause I've been doing nothing. Well not nothing- I turned 35. We hit the three year mark of trying to have a baby. A good friend who just got married in October is having a baby. Yeah. 

We're starting IVF again. I did my first injection this morning. My heart isn't in it this time. I guess I just have so little hope that it will really work that I just can't get into it. I can't seem to care about this. I go for monitoring on Tuesday. I'm just hoping that if I can see that there's been some growth, then maybe I'll get into it. Maybe? 

We've registered for an adoption seminar in mid-May. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that yet either. 

I'm left with sad thoughts of what happens if J and I end up alone. We would have a great life- I'm sure we would. I just don't want to always be sad about this- always feel like something is missing, wish we had tried again just one more time. I guess being in the middle of all of this still leaves all these feelings unresolved. And that part sucks. 

Maybe a new plan?

J has always said he's not into adoption. He said he couldn't think about that until we had really run out of options to have biological children. When we were going through the whole donor sperm ordeal, I learned that he has a strong need to have biological children, and I get that. So up until now, adoption has been off the table for us.

When we got the news about the DOR diagnosis, it became a real possibility that with only two tries left at IVF, that biological children may not be in the cards for us. So one night after the news of the DOR, we were having dinner and J tells me that he thinks we need to start thinking about adoption. I was happily surprised. I was glad that he was the one to bring it up and not me. We're not totally sold yet, but we agree that we need to start educating ourselves about adoption and figuring out if it's right for us. There is so much to learn- it's all very overwhelming. But I got myself a book and found some good resources in other girls that have adopted in the recent past. I'm hopeful that IVF isn't the end of our journey.

Meanwhile we're getting closer to IVF #2 and I'm not so excited about it. I guess I've been stripped of a lot of the hope I had for IVF and now it just feels like we're going through the motions. I guess time will tell.

WTF Appointment

We met with the RE today to talk about next steps. He officially diagnosed me with Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR). Even though my FSH levels were normal (5.6) and my AFC was normal (12), my AMH levels were low- 1.0. So that combined with my absolutely horrid response to the max dose of stims- I am lucky enough to fall into the DOR category. It's a tough diagnosis. It's just making things that much more difficult. But let's be for serious- Did I expect anything less than complicated and expensive? Um, no.

So since we already know how I respond on the Antagonist protocol- (shitty), the RE wants to use that same drug protocol and front load me with stims. Max out the dose from the beginning to hopefully recruit more follicles at the beginning of the cycle. J and I talked about it and if I'm not showing a good response by 8 or 9 days into stims- I think we'll elect to cancel the cycle. Insurance considers it to be a full cycle if you get to retrieval and being that we only have two left. So I'd really rather not waste a cycle if I'm not responding.

They also said that J had barely enough sperm to fertilize the four eggs we got, so unfortunately we have to have the urologist as a back up again.

All in all, it was all pretty depressing news. I'm left feeling a bit hopeless, honestly. I mean we'll try again, but I guess I just have pretty low expectations.

Back to the Diet

I had a great weekend. Really- every weekend with these girls just kind of helps me fill up the feel good tank and reset myself to a good place. It's so great. I am so lucky and so happy to have them in my life.

We did take lots of pictures and when I look at them- I'm not super happy with what I see. I can't lie- I don't like the way I look. I clearly feel far better about myself than I did 25 pounds ago, but I realized that I still have quite the long way to go. So I'm back on the diet wagon. Back to eating well and back to exercising. LOTS of exercising. I'm thankful that I didn't gain any weight through IVF, so I won't have to be stressed out about that, but I'm back on birth control and so I really need to get things in check.

I joined Diet Bet with some of my friends. It's a challenge to drop 4% of your body weight in 28 days. Eeep!  That seems really hard, but a good goal to go after. That would put me right before starting stims again and I would be a happy camper.

Good for the Soul

My "feel good" tank is running on E. This weekend is the best timing ever. I'm going to meet with these girls. We've managed to continue our weekends together since that first one. We meet up every few months. Spending time with them is good for the soul. It's so nice to be with people who know your history and love you despite the worst things about yourself. It's strange because we're all in very different places in our lives, but we seem to have found each other again at the exact right time. I love them so much and I can't wait to see them.

We're also lucky enough to be having lunch with our high school religion teacher. I don't even know how to explain her. She's most likely one of the most wise people I've ever met.

Beta

Well in case you couldn't infer from the death cramps or all the BFN posts- beta was negative. And somehow it just really sucked to hear it from my nurse. She is really awesome and for some reason all news IVF related sounds the most official when it comes from her. So yeah. Negative.

And as soon as it was over- a new one started. I started BCP for IVF #2 last night. The RE Dr. K thinks that the birth control may have over suppressed me (I agree). He still wants me on birth control, but not as much. So I'm going to do two weeks on, one week off, two weeks on. And then start stims. Antagonist Protocol again. We'll see what happens when we go for our WTF appointment next week. I have lots of questions to ask about my poor response and how we're going to try to fix that. So this whole plan is subject to change.

One big change is that our lips are sealed this time around. No one in real life will know we're doing this. NO ONE. It was so so sucky to have to tell people we failed. So this time we'll keep this under our hats.

Death Cramps

I got my period yesterday. Despite taking progesterone, I got my period anyway. And HOLY SHIZ- it's the worst period I've ever had. Cramps that almost made me leave work and have me eyeing the Vicoden I got after egg retrieval. I talked to the nurse today and she told me to keep taking the meds- Estrodil and Endometrin. Um, probs not. Nothing except a tampon is going in my vag right now. She said "You could still be pregnant." NO I CAN'T. Just let this whole damn thing end. Ugh. And I have to go tomorrow morning to get blood drawn for me to prove to her that I'm not pregnant. I get it- they need some kind of official negative. Ok, fine.

I guess the good part about already getting my period is that hopefully we can move right into #2. Am I nuts for doing that? I can't tell yet. I mean the crazy train is moving- why bother stopping it?

10dp3dt

Negative. I'm feeling like I can really call it a fail now. And I'm FO SHO ready to quit shoving progesterone in my vag. Yesterday was melt down day. I couldn't keep my shit together for nothin. I threw myself a pity party last night and kindly invited my husband. We had a good heart to heart. He talked, I cried. He told me we were going to be ok. And that was what I needed to hear.

I'll keep testing till the beta, but I'm gonna go ahead and say that we'll be moving on to IVF#2 soon.

One thing I've decided is that I told FAR too many people we were doing this. And now it's going to suck to have to tell a billion people that it didn't work. Lesson learned for next time.

8dp3dt

It's 11:06pm. WAYYYY past my bed time. Why am I up?? Well I went to bed like a regular person. And then I got all hopeful. I started thinking about what it would be like if this really does work. Thinking about showing J that stick with that little "pregnant" in the window. Telling my sister she's going to be an aunt. Maybe taking on of those cheesy pictures where you mean to say cheese, but you say "We're having a baby" instead. Or writing it on a cake. I let myself picture my family and J's family in those scenes. And I couldn't sleep thinking about it.

So I did what any rational person would do- I got up and took a pregnancy test. And now I can't sleep because that test is still stark white. Still one lonely line. And the hope is gone again. Now I can't sleep because I'm thinking about what happens if we never have a baby. I don't want to be sad like this. I don't want to just be an Aunt. I don't know how to do this.

I just want this to be over. I wish I could just go get the beta done and be through with this.

7dp3dt

I tested today. Stark white. Gah- I hate myself for doing that. I hate this shit.

4dp3dt

Lots of twinges in the ute area lately. Not really like cramps, but just odd twingey feelings.

According to NYU Fertility Center, today the blastocyst continues to hatch out of it's shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus. Oh FFS, I hope so.

I'm totally over Endometrin. TMI, but my vag is SO foul and soggy. I'm walking around feeling like I wet my pants. I'm burning through panty liners like they are free. My boobs hurt SO bad it's crazy pants. And I'm tired a lot. But I know all that is all from the progesterone.

I'm reading stories on the boards about people with FAR better embryos and are getting negative tests. I know you can't compare, but it's just hard to read that stuff and have any glimmer of hope. I should really quit reading it.

2dp3dt

Trigger is gone. Test from 6 days post trigger was stark white.

Hope is gone too. The RE from transfer really kinda sucked the life outta me. And now I've just decided that it's better for me to assume that it hasn't worked and be pleasantly surprised. I think I will also be less upset if I knew that we had some perfect textbook-esque cycle, but let's keep it real- it was far from that. 

I've already been researching protocols for poor responders and I'm mentally compiling questions for my WTF appointment. 

I'd like to introduce you tooooooooooooo...

Minotaur and Blossom Tanner Kapowski

I think they look just like me, don't you? 

I got knocked up by a man I just met while my husband watched. Ha! I've been using that line as much as possible today. It's not every day you can say that. We got to watch the whole thing which is pretty awesome. We got to watch them get sucked into the catheter, then the cath goes into the ute, then the little flash showing them going right in. It's amazing to watch, really. It just unreal that this can happen. Truly God and science working together. It's really amazing. 

The RE burst my hopefully little bubble a little. They are little behind, he says. One is a four cell and one is a five. Ideally they'd be AT LEAST 6 cells- should be more like 8-10. Sadfaces. All out of my hands at this point so all I can do is cross my fingers and pray like hell. Beta is set for March 5th. Lord knows I won't make it that long. I'll be peeing on sticks long, long before that. Trust. 

So now I'm in my very first two week wait. Like the first time I could legit be pregnant. After only almost three years. Crazy pants. But let's keep it real- if there is one thing that I am good at- it's waiting. I've done a lot of it. I may go underground for a while. I have some IRL homies that read my blog- HAI SARSSY! And I would love to be able to surprise them with good news if there is some. So I'll be blogging and holding the entries in draft until we know the news. Don't miss me too much, mmmmkay? 

Say some extra prayers for Minotaur and Blossom. <3 friends.="" nbsp="" p="" thanks="">

We made it!

I got the call today that the two are still growing stong! HOLY RELIEF. The nurse said they are looking perfect for transfer tomorrow. We'll transfer both little embryos tomorrow afternoon.

I am so thankful tonight. I'm thankful for all the people that are praying and sending us good thoughts. I'm thankful for my husband and how supportive and optimistic he is. And I'm thankful that we'll FINALLY get to transfer tomorrow- one more step down and one step further than we've ever been.

Ohhhhh...so THAT'S what those look like.

Yes, this is mine. But it's just from trigger. I just wanted to see what one really looked like. I've never seen one before. I thought they were fictitious like unicorns and leprechauns. 

Fert Report

Waiting for these calls about the embryos is BY FAR the most torturous part of this process. I stared at the phone all day today. Ugh.

All 4 eggs retrieved were mature.

Only 2 embryos growing and dividing normally. No idea what went wrong with the other two or when/how they stopped growing.

But I am choosing to focus on the two that are growing. And I'm praying with everything I have that the keep growing.

Will get another call tomorrow. 

Egg Retrieval Part 2

Now that I'm feeling more human/rational- I can tell the real story of Egg Retrieval.

We decided to stay at my Mom's the night before. She lives about 10 minutes away from the clinic and with the way things have been going- I didn't want to risk weather or some freak traffic accident throwing a wrench into the plans. Plus we had to be there at 6:30am.

So we got there, got taken back, changed into attractive hospital garb. And then you wait. For a loooooong time. Too long for someone who is a total anxious looney tune already. J tried to calm me down by telling me funny (not funny at the time) stories and being insanely positive. He reminded me that this is the furthest we've ever gotten. And it's been so hard to get here. And he's right. I should be happy that we got to this step.

They came in and explained what would happen and then the nurse anesthetist came and put my IV in. They asked me to verify who I was about 60 million times, which is good I guess. No need to mix up anyone's eggs. Unless you'd like to mix me up with someone who had like 20? Hmmm? Ok, sike.

Anyway- The doc also came to talk to me and verify what they would do in the lab. ICSI was a yes, but no assisted hatching unless the lab believed it to be necessary. Check. I'd never met this doc before- at Le Baby Factory- the rotate through the docs who do the retrievals so you get who you get. But he was nice none the less.

When it was show time- I walked to the OR with the nurse and they put me up in giant stirrups. And the next thing I remember I was waking up in recovery. For serious- I don't even remember laying down. That part is kind of awesome. When I woke up I instantly wanted to know how many eggs we had. The nurse wasn't sure yet, but would let me know. I felt like I was going to hurl so they gave me some zofran in my IV and it went away pretty quickly. The pain wasn't bad- like really bad cramps, kinda. J appeared from the waiting area and the nurse told me there were 4 eggs. And then I broke down.

Everyone keeps telling me I should be happy there are 4 and that it only takes one. Sure- all this is right. It just sucks to go through ALL THIS SHIT and end up with 4. It's disappointing that my body is failing me. It terrifies me that all the waiting we did could have really hurt our chances. And it just sucks.

Lots of people have said good things to me and helped me maintain perspective which is something I need desperately. It's all out of my hands now. Science did it's part and it's in God's hands now. I can only concentrate on one step at a time. We've never been able to get this far before. So now I can only focus on getting the fert report today. Please just let us make it to transfer. Please, please, please. I'll get the report this afternoon.

Back from Egg Retrieval

Only got 4. I'm pretty disappointed. I don't even know what else to say.
I'll get the fert report tomorrow.

Triggered!

Just triggered! Egg retrieval is scheduled for 8:30am Saturday.

I'm feeling much better. After the medication debacle, I went in this morning and had 6 good follicles. 6! 6 sounds amazing compared to 4. I felt much better. So many girls have been telling me amazing success stories about cycles with poor response or low numbers of eggs/follicles. So I'm feeling more hopeful after that.

And just in case you thought this was all going smoothly- here's what happened tonight. This cycle is seriously like a total comedy of errors. The only drugs I got yesterday was my Lupron Trigger. Today (at 5pm) when the nurse was giving me instructions she is talking about 10,000 iui's of HcG. I told her I only had Lupron and all along I was told I'd be triggering with Lupron. Well apparently the RE changed his mind today and wanted me to use HcG. The nurse calls in a script to the only local pharmacy that has these drugs which is 7 miles from where I was and they closed at 6. Well in DC rush hour speak- I wasn't sure I was going to make it. I dragged J out of the restaurant where we were meeting for Valentine's Day dinner and drove like a bat out of hell through traffic. 7 miles took me 45 minutes.  And I got there just under the wire. Unreal. This whole cycle is a total cluster fuck! It really will be a miracle if anything works out on Saturday. 

Long Overdue Update

I've been in for monitoring every day since Thursday. There are only really 4 follicles and they are growing super slow. My e2 is still rising, but still very slow. After having a total break down with the nurse on Saturday- I talked to my nurse on Monday and told her I wanted to speak to the RE. So Tuesday J and I went into another office and the RE did my ultrasound. He told me he thinks I have DOR (duh!) but he encouraged us to move forward with the cycle. He said he thinks we'll get 5-6 eggs (hopefully) and that we still have a chance at success. So we decided to move forward. Based on this morning's ultrasound, I will most likely trigger tomorrow for a Saturday retrieval.

If all of this wasn't craptastic enough- I realized last Friday that I was running out of meds. I called the pharmacy which I didn't know was located in Boston and already shut down because of the snow. I had to go to MD and pay $1500 out of pocket for drugs. I called Monday to get a refill of Gonal F and Menopur and to order my trigger shot. They ordered them to be delivered today. When I picked up the box- all that was in it was the trigger shot. So now I'm left with not enough Menopur to make it through tonight. I really have been holding it together through all this and now I can't stop crying. What if this is the thing that just throws this whole in the shitter? I just want ONE thing to work out. I don't need all of them, but just one would be great.

I talked to the nurse on call at the RE and she called the on call doc. They assured me that I'll be fine, but everything else has gone wrong, so now of course I'm sure this isn't helping. I'll know tomorrow what time we'll trigger and if we are definitely set for retrieval on Saturday. 

What a Craptastic Day

Went back for monitoring today. 4 follicles- largest at 12mm. Ugh. Was really hoping for more growth. Not really bigger follies, but more of them. 4? I mean really?

I talked to my nurse and she said she's concerned that there aren't so many follicles. Yeah- me too. They increased my dose of Gonal F to 375 and kept the Menopur at 225. Ganirelix starts when the follies are at 14mm, so I'll go back tomorrow morning to check for that.

I'm losing hope already. I know it's early, but seriously this blows. We've been trying to get to the point of starting IVF for SO long- it's felt like FOREVER. And in my head- It's always been the end game. Like if we can get to IVF, we'll be fine. And now we're not. I fucking hate infertility and all the mind fucks it delivers. Blah.

First Day of Monitoring

I wore my lucky Aloha socks to my appointment this morning that I got from a lovely, lovely lady on 3T. Love ya Denise!! The nurse asked me if I had ever been to Hawaii. I told her no, but I have this lovely group of internet friends and we exchange socks cause when you're in treatment, you spend a lot of time in stirrups. So you might as well have cute socks!

And we talked about this all while she wanded me with the dildo cam. Might as well chat it up while you're there, right?

 So no follicles over 10mm. She said that things look quiet in there, but that's "appropriate" for this point in the cycle. She said they'll look at my blood work and call me with instructions. So of course I missed the call from my nurse and all she said was that Dr. Khan (as in the Wrath of) wants to increase my dose of Gonal F to 300 and Menopur to 225. I wish she'd have told me my E2 level, but alas- I have no idea. So we did that tonight and tomorrow and I'll go back on Thursday. I'm hoping that Thursday will show some measurable growth. I hope she's right about it being appropriate. Internet friends say I'm right on track and that things look ok.

It's hard not to worry. The stress is starting to creep in. Worrying about follicle growth, shooting up meds the right way...ugh. This is not good for a worry wart like me.

Shooting up is STRESSFUL.

Phew. First night is over.

The injections- easy. No pain, tiny needles, didn't sting or burn. Easy.

The mixing and drawing up- STRESSFUL. By the time I was done, I was sweating! This is NOT something I want to mess up. When we went to injection class, I remember thinking that this won't be so bad. And then tonight I sat down to actually do this and I was like wait a sec- what needles go with what? And HOW THE EFF DO I DO THIS?!? And then I started to panic.

But in the end- I think that I did ok. And now I hope that my little follicles are in there growing away. And I hope I don't pass out over all the worrying I'll do about messing this stuff up between now and monitoring on Tuesday.

Baseline Done!

We're all set to start stims on Saturday. Whaaaaaaaaat? Like start for real? Oh shiz, I better figure out how to do these injections. First monitoring appointment is February 5th.

We're doing IVF. HOLY SHIZ. 

Look What I Got!

Ok so just ignore all the other crapola on the table, but LOOK WHAT I GOT!!! Drugs! Needles! More Drugs! Is this the part where it gets real? ha ha I guess there is no turning back now!

Remember my little tiny stash that I used for Natural Cycle? No? Here it is. Makes this big box look like a crap ton of drugs. It also made me realize that I have just about zero recollection about how to mix the drugs and which needles go with which thing. I guess I'll figure that part out?? I hope??

Gah! We're really doing this! This is crazy pants. Just total crazy pants.

In other news, J went to provide a sample today that we hope to freeze as a back up. I hate waiting for SA results. It's the worst. I'm hopeful that I will hear something tomorrow. He's been on Clomid since September so I am so hoping that it will have helped.

Tomorrow is baseline and stims should start Saturday!

I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

I got a call from the pharmacy today to pay for my meds over the phone. I've been secretly nervous about this cause I have NO clue what the cost to me would be. I know that we ordered about $6,000 in medication.

The lady says that the total for all the medication is $115.00. I just about cried. I was expecting thousands of dollars. Instantly I was so thankful for this insurance we've been given. It really did change everything. I remember the stress I felt and the pressure of being 100% Out of Pocket. I am so lucky.

I hope that I have lots of left overs and I hope they will help someone else that needs them.

Today was a good day!

Today was a success! I've been up since 4am worrying about this weigh in. Ugh.

But I passed! I made it! We're moving forward! ::pats self on back::

I had my mock transfer today which went well. Oh how I missed the dildo cam. So happy it's back in my life. The only thing I was told was that my bladder was too full so day of transfer, they may ask me to empty it a bit. Oh, ok. I can handle that. PHEW.

And then we went to injection class. My brain is now full of medication mixing and drawing up and needle sizes. And it's all a huge jumble. I'm sure we'll be ok in the long run- just a TON of information. But they have videos and charts and all kinds of stuff to help you out, so no big.

Consent forms are signed and meds arrive on 1/29. EEEeeepp!! This still feels fake- like something is bound to screw it up and we'll be on hold again. Right? I mean are we doing this FOR REAL?!?! WTF.

8 more pills to go. I hate BCP. Hate.

Baseline is 1/30! Stims start 2/2!

I did my best.

I can now honestly say that I tried. I tried my best to get my weight down. As of this morning I was 2 points under the BMI limit. I exercised my ass off today and have been doing very low salt food, lots of veggies, and tons of water. So hopefully everything will work out in my favor and we can press on. And if not, then I'll keep going down this same path and I'll know for sure that next month I'll be ready.

Cross your fingers for me.

I think I failed.

I've taken exactly 7 birth control pills. ONLY 7.

And all week I've gained weight. I've been working out 5-6 days a week and not even cheating. I thought I was doing well. So it must be the birth control? Right? Water weight? W

I thought I'd be under the weight limit with no problem. But if I keep on this path- I won't make it. How humiliating will it be to get on the scale in front of the nurse and my husband and have her tell me that I'm too heavy. I don't think I can do that.

So what do I do now? Crash diet? Cleanse? J says don't do anything drastic and just see what happens.

I feel like a huge failure. I tried all this time and I failed. I moved the dates, and I failed. I hate my body. I hate the way I look. I hate that I can't just have one thing work out. I wish I could quit.

Gettin Poked

I started going to acupuncture again. I hope those little needles can help maintain my sanity over the next several weeks. I'm not really all that familiar with the science behind acupuncture, but I know that for me- it's very relaxing. I'm also hoping we can work a little bit on my arthritis issues and inflammation in general. So for now the plan is twice a week for a little while and we'll see where things go from there.

In other news-I hit a bit of a plateau in my weight loss, but it finally appears that I've broken through. FINALLY. Ugh. I'm almost down 24lbs. I would really like to hit 30 before starting stims.

3 pills down- 17 to go!

This actually happened to me today.

The very last thing we had to do before completing all our pre-IVF work was contact the Urologist and find out what his plan was for J. We had some conflicting reports so we just wanted everything to be square for scheduling purposes. J has left a message for the Uro and was waiting for a call back.

Side note: J and I bought my Mom a sound bar for her TV for Christmas. We haven't been able to hook it up because we needed an extra cable.

So being the very nice son-in-law that he is- J went up to my Mom's today to install the sound bar. They were just leaving lunch- sitting in the car- when the doctor called. And J talked to him. On Bluetooth speaker phone. With my Mom in the car. So Mom got an ear full about the sperm plans. Ugh.

J calls me at work to tell me the sperm plans. With my mom in the car. Ugh again.

The urologist wants J to do a repeat semen analysis. He's been on the Clo and some other vitamins- CoQ10 and ConceptionXR since September. He responded well to the Clo before so we're hoping it has helped now. He wants him to go see what's goin on with the boys and possibly freeze some sperm as a back up for IVF. The back up will allow us to not have to do any kind of surgical removal on the day of egg retrieval. (Do you hear J cheering in the background about that??) If the sample is good- they freeze. If not- then we'll have the urologist on stand by for egg retrieval day. So then after that- J will go the day before egg retrieval and give a sample and then also potentially the day of. It's a good plan.

So back to the awkward part. J says (still on speaker phone, still with my mom) that he should call them now and he'll just go over to the office and do the sample now. (Um, hi- are you just going to leave my MOM in the waiting room?). I then have to remind him that it's been far too long since he's ::clears throat:: cleared the pipes to provide a sample. While my Mom listened. Awesome.

So much for not telling anyone, huh? Repeat S/A is 1/23.

This is really happening.

So we're really going to do IVF. ::gulp::  I got my period today and shit got serious.

Sounds like a funny thing to put in a blog that's done nothing but bitch about waiting to do IVF, right? ha ha Turns out I'm REALLY good at talking about IVF, but I'm super mega nervous to actually go through with it. Part of it is that I'm irrationally afraid they will tell me I still need to lose weight. (I'm really fine- I just am a paranoid freak) but part of it is just the whole emotional roller coaster of it all and not knowing what to expect.

I got my calendar and I should expect a call from the pharmacy as early as the end of the week to set up med delivery. ::gulp again:: I will call tomorrow to set up my mock transfer and our injection class. Birth control starts on Wednesday and will go through the 29th of January.

I'm not telling anyone that we're doing this in real life- not my mom or anyone. So interwebz- it's just you and me through all this.

Here goes nothin.