Big Day Today

We're going to the RE today. Cycle 6 and I'm already going to see the RE. I never thought we would be here.

I'm hoping for some hope. I know I have a lot to learn. I just need some hope.

Emotionally- it is already so unbelievably hard. I'm terrified of so many things. I'm scared of getting consumed by IF. I'm scared of what it will do to my marriage. I'm scared of the financial impact it will have on our lives. But really- I'm scared of never having children.

So we'll see. The first thing I need is just some hope.

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful that we will go to the RE today. I am thankful that I'm back on arthritis meds.

How is this possible?

Did I just never notice all the pregnant people around me before? Are there more of them? Are they after me?

I guess it just has a different impact when I find out someone is pregnant now. JC and I had some work done to our house and the contractors we were using are homeless. (nice people, but long story...) She's 47 and he must be almost 50? Both smoke like a freakin chimney. Oh and they are out of work. OH- and PREGNANT. WTF?!? No plan on how they will support the child (or themselves??), but having a baby. And me- plenty of ways to support a baby and no baby.

Men are from Mars

JC says to me last night "I'll be ok if we can't have kids." Um, what? What did you say? Is this some kind of code for "I'm secretly upset about my swimmers being jacked up but I don't want to tell you that so I'm emotionally preparing myself for the fact that we may not be able to have children."??

We scratched the surface of the whole conversation about adoption, but the first comment threw me for such a loop that I couldn't even go there.

I mean I get it- he's upset. This is a pretty big blow to the man ego. But if you're upset- just be upset. That's allowed. Especially with me. I wish he would just show how he feels and not hold it all in. It makes me crazy.

Oh and PS- AF showed up today. Late, but not surprising. Always a good day.

Still can't figure this out.

Still can't figure out how to deal with all this. Maybe I'm just sad today. Maybe it's my raging PMS. I'm terrified of this...of dealing with infertility. JC acts like nothing happened and I am totally consumed by this overwhelming sadness. What happens if I get mad at him for that? What happens if he's not even upset about this? What happens if we can deal with this together?

It's all terrifying to me. Especially since I'm not really a glass is half full kinda girl. I'm hoping that after Thursday's appointment with the RE that I'll be able to at least have some more direction. Maybe?

Hail Mary?

I've been so consumed with everything that has been going on that I realized last night that I should get my period either today or tomorrow. For the past 5 months I've been testing like a crazy person for like 5 days before I expected AF. This time- Haven't even thought about it.

I mean I know what the doctor told me. But it just takes one, right? I just need one good sperm.

I tested this morning. BFN.