Merry Christmas!

I have the best Santa EVER. My husband is really the best at giving gifts. I am the luckiest girl ever. I got a Kate Spade purse and wallet and lots of other treats. He is amazing. The best part is that he told me that I am his best gift every year. I love you JC!

Merry Christmas to everyone! Hope Santa brings you your best gift ever this year!

Christmas Eve

Santa brought me a sick husband and my period for Christmas. Bah Humbug.

My father passed away when I was 16. I remember the first Christmas we celebrated after his death. It was the worst holiday ever. He had only been gone 2 months so reality had just started to sink in for us. I distinctly remember going to midnight mass on Christmas Eve and just sitting there trying to bargain with God. What would it take for just a little more time with him? No presents ever again? Done. That was the one I remember- I would give up Christmas for life. In my head, I knew it wouldn't work, but when you're in that low and hopeless place- it makes sense.

So here I am 16 Christmas' later- Still making deals. I'll trade you presents for a Hail Mary cycle in January??

Can I take it back?

Can I take back my Thankful Thursday? CD1 for me today. And I'm not thankful. What a total mind fuck that was. It was just long enough of a wait to make me think that despite the odds being 99.9% stacked against us, that I *might* actually be pregnant. Just long enough to think about how I would tell my Mom on Christmas. Just long enough to have my husband think that we might not have to spend an insane amount of money trying to have a child.

And now I'm just left feeling stupid for being hopeful.

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for a break. I am desperate for a break from work and after today I will have four glorious days off in a row. I am thankful that I live close to both of my families and that JC and I will get to spend the holiday with them. I think sometimes I take it for granted that we are so close in distance and get to spend so much time together.

Dear 14DPO,

We've never met before. It's good to see you...I think?? What I really mean is WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? This is 13DPO land AT MOST. Since we all know that I'm not pregnant- Go back to where you came from. Send AF. You're jacking up my testing schedule for next month.

Love, Me

Last night I Prayed.

I was raised Catholic. Went to church, Catholic schools- the whole nine yards. Somewhere along the way I lost it. Stopped going to mass, stopped all the business. I guess I just became not a fan of the Catholic Church as an instituion. But that is a whole other issue... Recently on Facebook- I've reconnected with my high school religion teacher. She is no ordinary person. I know that I can never quite explain her so I won't try to do her justice here- Let's just say she is an amazing person and quite possibly one of the best people I have ever known. When we were in high school and would attend Chapel in the morning before class, she would encourage us to pray for our husbands. Even though we may not have met them yet or didn't know who they were- we would pray for them every day. I always tell my husband now that I know that it worked because I found him and he is so great for me.

If it worked on my husband, why not my child? So for the first time in a long time- last night I prayed. I prayed for my child that I have not met yet.

1 Point for Me

I survived a Baby Shower today without having anyone asking me about when I was going to have a baby. WIN!