Sunday, November 20, 2011

Where I've Been

Well working, really. Work is 110% insanity right now. I hate my work life THE MOST. I day dream of pushing my manager off the roof or hanging myself by the blind cords daily. Ok- that may sound a little extreme, but I certainly threaten.

So I've been working. And I've been sad. Time marches on and I get more and more sad. I'm pretty good at faking that I'm fine. But I'm not sure that I am. I'm sad every time I think about this situation that I'm in. I'm sad thinking about what happens to us if IVF doesn't work. I'm sad when I find out that people are having baby #2 already. I can feel myself growing resentful of my own sister when I watch her with her own children. I judge her every parenting move and all I can think of is why her and not me?

In the Infertile world- the word bitter is a dangerous term. You don't call someone bitter. But what about calling yourself bitter? Cause I think I'm headed there. It's becoming pretty challenging for me not to want to drown myself in a giant tank of self pitty. I'm feeling increasingly fucked over by the universe each day. Faking it is exhausting. I'm fine! I'm happy about your pregnancy! I don't think it's bad if you tell your son that his father is a dick! It's great!

So that's kind of where I've been. I'm trying not to drag my blog down the drain with me. Every time I think I should post- it's about something depressing.