CD 1

You'd think that after two separate doctors have told me that there is pretty much no chance that JC and I can have baby's the old fashioned way that I wouldn't be upset about CD 1. And yet it's still disappointing.

IF sucks.

Move or Stay?

That is the question.

We thought- we'll sell the house and go rent an apartment somewhere to save ourselves some serious cash-o-la. And in the long run that money will help pay for IF treatments. JC and I both spent some time researching rentals in the area today and discovered that it might not be such an awesome plan. It looks like we may not be able to save as much as we anticipated.

More research is required. Can we refinance and bring down our payment enough to make up essentially what we'd pay in rent? What happens if we do get pregnant quickly and then we're in a 750sq. ft. condo with no where to put New Baby C? How much would it cost to refinance?

So now it seems we're leaning a little toward the stay end. We have pretty much gotten the house to where we actually like it and we have plenty of space here.

So we'll see...research pending.

SA #2 v2.0

So JC dropped off the goods yesterday. I guess things work out just fine as long as he's not in the doctor's office. And now we wait for results. I'm hopeful that we'll be ok for ICSI. I can't even imagine JC's reaction if there has to be some kind of biopsy involved. I think he would freak out. So cross you fingers phantom blog readers (and my *2* followers! Hi Followers!!). I need some good numbers on this one.

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for vacation. We're leaving on September 4th for vacation and I'm counting the minutes. We are in desperate, desperate need of a little time away from all the mess that is going on in our lives- selling the house, buying a baby (ha ha...kind of...). All of it. So I am so very thankful that we have that to look forward to.

I'm Late.

Um, yeah. Just realized that my period is late. I haven't been late since that one time in college when I thought I was pregnant. I guess since all this stuff is going on- I just totally forgot to keep track of all that business. I always thought it was a crap reason before, but maybe the stress is messing with me? Don't know, but I wish we could get the show on the road. I don't need AF threatening my vacation.

Next cycle I'll be scheduling CD3 blood work. Yippie!!

I might have the best Mom. Ever.

So talked to Mom yesterday. She agreed to loan us the funds we need to move forward with diagnostic testing for IVF!!! We don't have to wait till January!!

Seriously I am so lucky to have the best Mom EVER. My parents tried for over 5 years to have children and then ended up adopting my sister and I. She went through SO much during that time and she's been such a great sounding board and so helpful for me to have someone to talk to about this whole process. She still thinks that IVF is a bit of a science experiment (she went through this 35 years ago..). I've had to bring her up to speed on the latest technology!

So for now- it looks like I'll do my CD3 blood work and US late September and HSG shortly after that. We should be able to have our IVF consult in October!! YEAH!!

One Day

ONE DAY
One Day I will no longer look forward to treatments,
I won’t have to inject myself,
Our sex life will be just that…Ours,
Making love will be simply making love,
Infertility won’t haunt my daily thoughts,
My hopes won’t be crushed after every cycle,
I won’t cry inside when I hear a friend is pregnant,
Or when my period comes, inevitably, every month,
I won’t constantly hunt for information,
Or try to decipher the “signals” that my body is sending me,
Or wonder if something I eat, drink, do, see, think could prevent pregnancy,

AND

One Day I will be the one with two lines,
Scared every day to lose a life inside of me,
Experiencing morning sickness,
Swollen, painful breasts,
Swollen ankles,
Fatigue,
And the joy of becoming rounder everyday,
I will discuss pregnancy and motherhood with other women as an equal,
I will hear a heart beating inside me that is not my own,
I will see a tiny “bean” grow into a Baby on ultrasound,
I will buy tiny clothes, cribs, strollers, carseats,
I will prepare a nursery fit for royalty,
One Day I will feel contractions grip my body,
And feel the anticipation of meeting my Little One,
And rush to the hospital,
My husband will be nervous,
And we will get through this too…together,
And we will meet Our Baby…our precious, beautiful Baby, that WE created,
We will count ten fingers and toes,
We will wonder who he/she looks like,
We will finally announce the arrival of our baby to our families,
And we will take Our Baby home,
To the nursery fit for royalty,
And count our blessings,
And cuddle our Little One endlessly,
And know how truly, truly blessed we are.

I believe that one day we will have all this, and more.

(I read this on a blog of another IF Blogger and had to share. Thanks.)

Break Down or Break Through?

What a busy weekend. Lots of time spent getting the house ready to sell. Painting and organizing. We're having a big yard sale this coming weekend so hopefully it will make us some cash in the process.

So Friday was supposed to be JC's 2nd SA. Except it wasn't. Apparently the clinical environment of the clinic didn't so much lead to the romantic setting needed to get the job done. He called me at work and yelled at me about how he couldn't do it. I was upset because he yelled at me. He was upset about the whole thing. We went to dinner that night and barely spoke to each other. He finally broke the silence and I told him that if I yelled at him every time I was pissed off about something that he wouldn't like it either. This isn't my fault and we need to learn how to deal with things like this in a better way. We spent dinner talking about how he is really feeling physically bad lately. Mood swings, fatigue- his weight is becoming more of an issue which is making his heartburn worse and more frequent. All things that I'm really concerned about (back to the chicken and egg post...).

Saturday night we went out with some friend and he had a few drinks (maybe more than a few). We got home and he let it all out- he's so sad about all of this. He feels broken. He feels like he has let me down. It was heart breaking to hear him talk about it. But at least he talked about it. I wish he would talk about it more. Maybe it might be easier for him.

I feel like I can't wait until January. I can't wait and just let him keep feeling worse and worse. It's not fair. So I'm going to ask my mom for help. Even just with the OOP meds and diagnostics. If she can loan us the money for that, then maybe we can start earlier and hopefully get my old husband back.