Sunday, November 20, 2011

Where I've Been

Well working, really. Work is 110% insanity right now. I hate my work life THE MOST. I day dream of pushing my manager off the roof or hanging myself by the blind cords daily. Ok- that may sound a little extreme, but I certainly threaten.

So I've been working. And I've been sad. Time marches on and I get more and more sad. I'm pretty good at faking that I'm fine. But I'm not sure that I am. I'm sad every time I think about this situation that I'm in. I'm sad thinking about what happens to us if IVF doesn't work. I'm sad when I find out that people are having baby #2 already. I can feel myself growing resentful of my own sister when I watch her with her own children. I judge her every parenting move and all I can think of is why her and not me?

In the Infertile world- the word bitter is a dangerous term. You don't call someone bitter. But what about calling yourself bitter? Cause I think I'm headed there. It's becoming pretty challenging for me not to want to drown myself in a giant tank of self pitty. I'm feeling increasingly fucked over by the universe each day. Faking it is exhausting. I'm fine! I'm happy about your pregnancy! I don't think it's bad if you tell your son that his father is a dick! It's great!

So that's kind of where I've been. I'm trying not to drag my blog down the drain with me. Every time I think I should post- it's about something depressing.


  1. (((hugs))) Love you dear. I say this a lot, but while our situations are so very different, I feel ya. I'm definitely bitter and wondering why me and throwing myself multiple pity parties. I'll keep reading even if you write it all out. :)

  2. Dude, its YOUR blog. Its for you and the rest of us that you allow to read it are just here for the ride. You should write what you need to write and not care if it's too depressing.

    1) I can't believe your sister said that to your nephew? Is that right? My goodness!
    2) It's okay to admit being bitter. Like Kelly said, she's bitter and I'm bitter too.
    3) Don't feel like you have to fake it. You can handle someone's pregnancy then ignore them. You have to take care of yourself. You'll always have me as a friend.
    4)I fully believe IVF is going to work for you. Even if you're not sure, I'll be sure for you.
    5) The countdown is on, right? 9 months then game on.
    6) I think my numbered list sort of makes me look like I'm full of myself and like I know what I'm talking about. Not the case, was just hoping to keep my thoughts organized.

    Love you friend <3

  3. It is exhausting to fake it all the time. About the blog... it's your space to write your space to do what you want. Maybe you can write up posts but never publish them. It might help just get it out! Hugs!

  4. I think of my blog as therapy/diary. You can't pretend the bad times don't happen (OK, yes we all fake it to some degree to the public) but this is for YOU. It's good to be honest and real. And I know long breaks suck. HARD. But it will end. There is a light at the end of this tunnel, I can see it faintly in the distance.