Friday, December 31, 2010
I'm sure there are a ton more...but here is some of what I learned in 2010.
1. When my husband thinks something on TV is funny, he repeats it.
2. Being able to manage your money is key to having a good marriage.
3. Infertility is terrible. The people who deal with it well are my heroes. I'm still learning from them.
4. I made the right choice when I left my job in March.
5. We'll never have enough money. And that's ok.
6. JC and I make a great team. We've been able to make some hard decisions together.
7. I have no desire to live in the DC Metro area long term.
8. I love, love, love being an aunt.
9. I will always battle with my weight, despite having gastric bypass over 3 years ago.
10. I have surrounded myself with amazing people.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
I am so thankful that my good friend MH brought me to The Bump. I have met some of the most wonderful people there- people I have learned from and respect. I hope they know that even if I don't "know" them- I really appreciate what they share. So thank you MH for bringing me MillerTime and Alison, Baboo and Mrs.Baker, Sulfa and Papps, Mchupie and Otter...and everyone that I forgot! You know who you all are!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Usually I'm against the New Years Resolution. I find I never keep up with them and then just end up kind of disappointed in myself for breaking them. I know it's a few days early, but lately I've been thinking about my New Years Resolution. And I'm determined to keep it this year.
I told my husband that I'm trying to be the "Glass Half Full" girl this coming year. He said that was good because I'm usually the "No glass at all" girl. Ha!
I think with IF treatment on the horizon- it's a good time for me to get an attitude adjustment and start being optimistic and positive.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Merry Christmas to everyone! Hope Santa brings you your best gift ever this year!
Friday, December 24, 2010
My father passed away when I was 16. I remember the first Christmas we celebrated after his death. It was the worst holiday ever. He had only been gone 2 months so reality had just started to sink in for us. I distinctly remember going to midnight mass on Christmas Eve and just sitting there trying to bargain with God. What would it take for just a little more time with him? No presents ever again? Done. That was the one I remember- I would give up Christmas for life. In my head, I knew it wouldn't work, but when you're in that low and hopeless place- it makes sense.
So here I am 16 Christmas' later- Still making deals. I'll trade you presents for a Hail Mary cycle in January??
Thursday, December 23, 2010
And now I'm just left feeling stupid for being hopeful.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
If it worked on my husband, why not my child? So for the first time in a long time- last night I prayed. I prayed for my child that I have not met yet.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
You anger me. You're 41 years old, have experienced pregnancy loss, and admitted to having trouble getting pregnant. And now you're having twins. And you **REALLY**think people believe that you didn't go through some kind of ART Procedure?!? When people in the spotlight hide things like having to go through Infertility Treatments, you make it seem bad or shameful to the public at large. You anger me. You should come out of the IVF closet.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Xerox is doing something cool. If you go to that website above, you can pick out a Thank You card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq. You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to a member of the armed services. It's free and only takes a second! Wouldn't it be nice for each one to get one? Regardless of your feelings on the war- the people there deserve our support.
So click and send!
Of course- I'm a total addict so I've been lurking all morning. It's hard to cut myself off. So girls- remember- I'm in the shadows! Ha!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I WILL BE
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that I have been given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that I am led to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
-Author Unknown, taken from TTGP
Monday, December 13, 2010
If I'm like this now, how do I deal with the anxiety that lies ahead?!?
Friday, December 10, 2010
Ok, so *maybe* I'm having a bitter day. But just maybe.
My sister is pregnant again. Her kids will be 1 year and 20 days apart. Irish Twins. I LOVE my nephew. He is so cute and so sweet. I love him the most. Today I found out that Baby #2 is a girl. And instead of having happy thoughts about dressing up my niece and going to ballet recitals and playing with her dolls- I was green with envy and 100% jealous. My mom called me and was so excited and already shopping and I was trying not to cry on the phone. So now she'll have one of each before I'll even be pregnant. She has officially stolen all the grandchild thunder right out from under me.
Disclaimer: In reality- I am thrilled. I love being an aunt and I will love having a niece. I would never say any of this to my sister, it's my own internal crazy.
Infertility seriously BLOWS.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
I'm so sad that I got sick the weekend of our party and had to cancel it. I know there was no way I could have had all those people at my house- bring their kids over and get them all ill, though. So alas- no party this year.
On a lighter note- three excellent things- My TTGP Pal Alison is pregnant! So happy for her! I love it when I get to hear good news from my friends. Next is that next weekend I get to spend two days with my three high school friends from this post. I can't wait to see them again and catch up. And finally- as I type, JC is upstairs wrapping MY Christmas presents. He is an awesome gift-giver so I can't wait to see what ends up under my tree this year!!
Friday, December 3, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
So now I wait for Super Sperms. Sperms with capes that fight crime. We started waiting months ago and I thought the wait would be forever. Now I look up and it's almost December. I can almost see the capes...
Thursday, November 25, 2010
To name just a few- My JC, family, friends, my job, my health, my Bump Friends- so so blessed to have all of this in my life.
Let the Christmas Music begin!!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
I hate MFI. I wish that there was something wrong with me. I feel even more guilty for being upset about our infertility struggles because I think it makes JC feel terrible to see me upset. And I wish I could not be upset about it, but some days it just gets to me. Stupid Fvcking IF. I hate you. Bleh.
Ok. I feel better now. :)
Monday, November 22, 2010
I wish I could be a glass half full kind of a girl. I'm a terrible worry-wart. And that just make all this worse.
A little while back I heard a quote that I taped to my computer screen today. I needed a little reminder.
"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is to try just one more time." - Thomas Edison
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Despite all else that was going on- I realized that I truly, truly married the BEST man for me. He is such a good partner in our relationship and so, so, so good to me. He expects nothing of me except for me to be myself. And that makes me love him even more.
Happy Anniversary JC- I love you the most.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
So please remember in your prayers little Charlotte Leigh- born sleeping 11/13/2010. She is a new angel in heaven.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
So go now, JC...build Super Sperm!!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
One call in to the doctor so far. I'm totally calling again after lunch.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
And then there are some days that the jealousy and impatient sides crrreeeeppp in and I find myself having thoughts that may seem a bit desperate and whiny. Why do *I* have to wait so long? I hate the waiting.
Please. Please let this wait not be for nothing.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Do yourself a HUGE favor and read this first. Just don't want you to sound like a Twatwaffle.
Of course I'm not totally sure that they took it. Maybe it got caught up in the sheets or maybe it's under the bed. Who knows. It makes for a much better story to say that it was stolen by the cleaning people.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
It's so cliche and I've said it a thousand times before, but the thing that I am so overwhelmingly thankful for is my husband. I truly married the best person for me. He is such a good person and really is the best husband I could ever ask for.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
It's only 9am and I've already cried at work 3 times today. Bad work day. Bad crying day.
Hopefully things perk up.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
I don't know if I should be happy that now we can get started on testing for IVF or if I should be sad because it's another failed cycle. I'm a little of both, I think.
And to top off the day- I came home from grocery shopping with JC and found my cat under my car. My stays-inside-all-the-time cat. JC let him out when he was going in and out today. He's lucky that he was only under the car. There would have been serious words. Don't mess with a lady on Cycle Day 1.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
JC's blood work shows that he's normal. Other than the Low T, everything else is normal. So Hero/Urologist theory = FAIL. Hope = FAIL.
How do I keep this up? I mean holy shiz- how many times can this happen? Get hope, get crushed. I'm ready to be done with this.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
I've been MIA on the blog recently...a work project has taken over my life. Hopefully things will return to status quo shortly.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
So Dr. Ratner (my new hero and new Urologist) reviewed all our records, gave JC a quick once over, and asked some questions. And then he explained what he is 98% certain is the reason behind our problems. An enzyme called Aromatase. Dr. Ratner explained that men produce both testosterone and estrogen. They are usually in a ratio where the T is much higher than the E. In men that are overweight (like my JC) there is an over abundance of this enzyme called Aromatase that changes T into E and shrinks the ratio. Best thing is that there is a drug that can block the production of this enzyme and return the ratio to normal. The.Best.News.Ever. In combination with that- JC is going on Clomid to stimulate the production of FSH. This will help get his testicles working overdrive to make up for lost time (kinda...).
So we test drive this cocktail for a month and then repeat blood work. If the T #'s are up significantly- then we do another 3 months and repeat the SA to see if the increased T has helped our SA numbers.
Good Things About This Plan:
1. These drugs will help JC feel better without impacting our TTC plans. Yeah!
2. Worst case scenario- we know we can have IVF with ICSI.
3. This plan *could* increase his count enough for us to try IUI! HOLY CRAPOLA!
4. The test drive period lets us get everything with the house squared away and the last of our bills paid off in the mean time.
So if you've made it this far- you deserve a cookie.
Needless to say- great appointment for strange reasons. Now I hurry up and wait.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
October 8th it is. How can something be so exciting and make me want to throw up all at the same time?!? She let me know that at that appointment we'll get our IVF schedule and protocol. Here's the low down:
3 weeks of regular old birth control pills.
10-12 days of stimulating drugs
Egg Retrieval 24-36 hours after triggering
Eggs will be fertilized using ICSI
Egg Transfer either 3 or 5 days after retrieval
Then wait for the big news!
Sounds so simple, right?!? Lots to do to prepare- Injection classes, Mock Transfer. Lots of hands in my va-jay-jay. Lots. I guess I should just get over that part now.
My next concern- Before we got into the proposed schedule...she said "As long as things go ok with Dr. Ratner (new Urologist that specializes in MFI), then we'll be good to go." HUH?? Holy Crap. What else would we need to get through?? So please, please, please cross your fingers that we make it through tomorrow. If we do- we'll be starting out soon!!
What are you thankful for today?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
I spent this weekend with three girls I went to high school with. One of them is one of my very best and oldest friends. We also went to college together and are still very close. The other two I lost track of along the way. We managed to reconnect over the very sad event of the passing of one girl's husband. So this weekend- we spent catching up. In one way, it makes me sad that I lost all those years of being friends with them. But on the other hand it makes me happy to be friends with them again. My high school friends are like coming home. They know the better version of me (in my opinion...). The non-crazy college drunk version of me. I guess that is what makes it so nice to spend time with them.
On my way to see them- I had an internal debate about telling them about IVF. JC is 110% against telling anyone. But I think that is his bruised male ego talking. My "Do I come out of the Infertility Closet" debate with myself ended when I realized that these people are not going to judge me. They will tell me that they hope that things work out for me and that empathize with my situation. Delicious desserts, good wine and conversation aside- THAT is why I had a great weekend.
Friday, September 10, 2010
I'm a day late, but still thankful.
I am thankful that JC and I got to spend some really good time together. I'm thankful that he is sharing his feelings about IVF with me. I am thankful that we get to get this show on the road sooner rather than later!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
She sent everything to the urologist for our consult on 9/17 so we're ready to go.
Now we can enjoy vacation. STAY AWAY EARL!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
And to add insult to injury- there is a hurricane threatening my vacation. We're supposed to leave on Saturday for Bermuda and stupid Hurricane Earl is making it's way right up the coast in between Bermuda and the US coast. I'm crossing my fingers that it won't rain all week.
Monday, August 30, 2010
That part alone is bad enough. But my whole family has known for over a week and they just didn't want to tell me. That part really sucks.
I hate that I'm that person that no one wants to tell. I hate that I have to be that person. I hate that my immediate reaction to "You're going to be an Aunt again!" was sadness. I hate that I have to try to hard to be happy for my sister. I hate how unfair all of this feels.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
In other health news- my doctor said my TSH levels are down again. 2.77 down from 4.6. She increased the med dose so I can get as close to 1 as possible. At least something is getting better.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
We thought- we'll sell the house and go rent an apartment somewhere to save ourselves some serious cash-o-la. And in the long run that money will help pay for IF treatments. JC and I both spent some time researching rentals in the area today and discovered that it might not be such an awesome plan. It looks like we may not be able to save as much as we anticipated.
More research is required. Can we refinance and bring down our payment enough to make up essentially what we'd pay in rent? What happens if we do get pregnant quickly and then we're in a 750sq. ft. condo with no where to put New Baby C? How much would it cost to refinance?
So now it seems we're leaning a little toward the stay end. We have pretty much gotten the house to where we actually like it and we have plenty of space here.
So we'll see...research pending.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Next cycle I'll be scheduling CD3 blood work. Yippie!!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Seriously I am so lucky to have the best Mom EVER. My parents tried for over 5 years to have children and then ended up adopting my sister and I. She went through SO much during that time and she's been such a great sounding board and so helpful for me to have someone to talk to about this whole process. She still thinks that IVF is a bit of a science experiment (she went through this 35 years ago..). I've had to bring her up to speed on the latest technology!
So for now- it looks like I'll do my CD3 blood work and US late September and HSG shortly after that. We should be able to have our IVF consult in October!! YEAH!!
Monday, August 23, 2010
One Day I will no longer look forward to treatments,
I won’t have to inject myself,
Our sex life will be just that…Ours,
Making love will be simply making love,
Infertility won’t haunt my daily thoughts,
My hopes won’t be crushed after every cycle,
I won’t cry inside when I hear a friend is pregnant,
Or when my period comes, inevitably, every month,
I won’t constantly hunt for information,
Or try to decipher the “signals” that my body is sending me,
Or wonder if something I eat, drink, do, see, think could prevent pregnancy,
One Day I will be the one with two lines,
Scared every day to lose a life inside of me,
Experiencing morning sickness,
Swollen, painful breasts,
And the joy of becoming rounder everyday,
I will discuss pregnancy and motherhood with other women as an equal,
I will hear a heart beating inside me that is not my own,
I will see a tiny “bean” grow into a Baby on ultrasound,
I will buy tiny clothes, cribs, strollers, carseats,
I will prepare a nursery fit for royalty,
One Day I will feel contractions grip my body,
And feel the anticipation of meeting my Little One,
And rush to the hospital,
My husband will be nervous,
And we will get through this too…together,
And we will meet Our Baby…our precious, beautiful Baby, that WE created,
We will count ten fingers and toes,
We will wonder who he/she looks like,
We will finally announce the arrival of our baby to our families,
And we will take Our Baby home,
To the nursery fit for royalty,
And count our blessings,
And cuddle our Little One endlessly,
And know how truly, truly blessed we are.
I believe that one day we will have all this, and more.
(I read this on a blog of another IF Blogger and had to share. Thanks.)
So Friday was supposed to be JC's 2nd SA. Except it wasn't. Apparently the clinical environment of the clinic didn't so much lead to the romantic setting needed to get the job done. He called me at work and yelled at me about how he couldn't do it. I was upset because he yelled at me. He was upset about the whole thing. We went to dinner that night and barely spoke to each other. He finally broke the silence and I told him that if I yelled at him every time I was pissed off about something that he wouldn't like it either. This isn't my fault and we need to learn how to deal with things like this in a better way. We spent dinner talking about how he is really feeling physically bad lately. Mood swings, fatigue- his weight is becoming more of an issue which is making his heartburn worse and more frequent. All things that I'm really concerned about (back to the chicken and egg post...).
Saturday night we went out with some friend and he had a few drinks (maybe more than a few). We got home and he let it all out- he's so sad about all of this. He feels broken. He feels like he has let me down. It was heart breaking to hear him talk about it. But at least he talked about it. I wish he would talk about it more. Maybe it might be easier for him.
I feel like I can't wait until January. I can't wait and just let him keep feeling worse and worse. It's not fair. So I'm going to ask my mom for help. Even just with the OOP meds and diagnostics. If she can loan us the money for that, then maybe we can start earlier and hopefully get my old husband back.
Friday, August 20, 2010
So cross your fingers for good swimmers today.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Here is a list of my financial gripes about this situation.
1. Insurance is a crock.
I have a 10 month waiting period on my insurance for Infertility coverage. So that means 10 months from my start date for any type of diagnostic testing. That puts me out till end of January. Which would be fine if we weren't dealing with JC's Low T issues. 10 month waiting period means no end in sight for JC's issues unless the new uro is a miracle worker. Even if he is- we can't afford to pay OOP for testing and drugs. Just not gonna happen. So we wait.
2. We are moving.
We're selling our house and moving into my 750 sq. ft. condo so we can save everything we possibly can to pay for IVF. It's going to be miserable, but in the end- hopefully will allow us to save enough to not have this put us in a huge financial pit. Moving sucks.
Now I just need the house to sell quickly. It goes on the market September 1!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
JC is making me nuts. I'm running into a "What came first- chicken or egg?" scenario with him. So we found out about the Low T. Check. Then we found out that he is having liver issues- Fatty Liver Disease- to be specific. He is gaining weight. He's tired all the time. And now is blaming it all on the Low T. Except he told me today that he had Popeye's for lunch. So what causes what? Low T causes all of this mess or being overweight is causing Low T, Fatty Liver, etc.? Chicken or Egg?
I know all his stuff is connected. The weight, the fatigue, the hormones...but at the same time- Popeye's isn't gonna help. SO frustrating for me because I know that if all of this is connected- then he's not doing all he can to change or fix the problem.
I have told him that I'm upset about this, but I can't nag him into submission. I can't force a 34 year old man to eat salads. He has to be in charge of what he puts in his mouth. (Ew. Gross. Sorry.) I can't be his mommy. I need a doctor to lay the hammer down on him. I'm really hoping that the urologist can enlighten us (with me asking all the proper leading questions, clearly).
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
So there is a lot to say at this point. Stay with me.
So we went to see the RE. SUPER nice doctor- Dr. Kahn. A lovely, good looking Indian man who was very attentive and explained everything very well. As I suspected, he told us that our only option would be IVF with ICSI. I am a total Google whore so I kind of knew that already. He explained everything to JC in non-medical IVF language which was also good. He never once said that he thinks it will be hard for us or there's a chance it won't work. He did say that it could take more than one cycle, but he was very hopeful. And I kind of loved that about him.
One of my big concerns about this whole thing is that JC's Low T is causing (or is a result of?) all kinds of other issues for him- fatigue, weight issues, etc. And because his count is so low- we can't treat the Low T without potentially crushing our hopes of using ICSI. This is really an issue because I also discovered at the RE that I have a 10 month waiting period on my insurance for any type of fertility coverage. Which means that none of the diagnostic testing or anything would be covered until the end of January of 2011. We can't treat the Low T until we can start IVF treatments. Best case- this puts us at March/April 2011. That's a long time for JC to go unchecked. So the RE is sending us to see a new uro that specializes in MFI. I'm super mega hoping that he can somehow help the Low T stuff without hurting our chances at ICSI any further. Fingers crossed for that.
So now we wait. JC gets all his stuff done in the meantime and we wait.
But in the meantime- I have to post this video. I found it on Sulfababy's blog (which is http://leapingsulfa.blogspot.com/) and it really hit home with me. What IF?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I'm hoping for some hope. I know I have a lot to learn. I just need some hope.
Emotionally- it is already so unbelievably hard. I'm terrified of so many things. I'm scared of getting consumed by IF. I'm scared of what it will do to my marriage. I'm scared of the financial impact it will have on our lives. But really- I'm scared of never having children.
So we'll see. The first thing I need is just some hope.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I guess it just has a different impact when I find out someone is pregnant now. JC and I had some work done to our house and the contractors we were using are homeless. (nice people, but long story...) She's 47 and he must be almost 50? Both smoke like a freakin chimney. Oh and they are out of work. OH- and PREGNANT. WTF?!? No plan on how they will support the child (or themselves??), but having a baby. And me- plenty of ways to support a baby and no baby.
We scratched the surface of the whole conversation about adoption, but the first comment threw me for such a loop that I couldn't even go there.
I mean I get it- he's upset. This is a pretty big blow to the man ego. But if you're upset- just be upset. That's allowed. Especially with me. I wish he would just show how he feels and not hold it all in. It makes me crazy.
Oh and PS- AF showed up today. Late, but not surprising. Always a good day.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
It's all terrifying to me. Especially since I'm not really a glass is half full kinda girl. I'm hoping that after Thursday's appointment with the RE that I'll be able to at least have some more direction. Maybe?
Monday, July 26, 2010
I mean I know what the doctor told me. But it just takes one, right? I just need one good sperm.
I tested this morning. BFN.
Friday, July 23, 2010
I've been reading this book- The Infertilty Survival Handbook. You can find it here. It is awesome. It's written in this way where you feel like you are friends with the author and she's telling you all this stuff over a double tall soy mocha latte drink. It's just validated a lot of the lonely, scary feeling parts. Highly recommended. Thank you 3T Ladies for the good recommendation!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I am thankful for my job. I work for a great company and have great co-workers.
I am thankful that JC and I have each other.
I am thankful for the handful of people who have listened to me cry for the last few days.
How do I not cry every day because JC and I may never have children? How do I explain it to my family? How will I ever be able to go to a baby shower without having a break down? How do I not avoid people all together because faking it is just too hard right now?
I don't know how to do any of those things. Not yet.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
The weight of the world on your mind
You lay there and listen to your heart beat
And you try to stop wanting someone else's life
And you think about a change
You're looking so hard for the reasons
You swear that you'll figure it out
You find something else to believe in
And you don't know why everything is closing in
And you think about a change
-Maybe It's Time, Pat McGee Band
Monday, July 19, 2010
We'll never have natural chidlren and while I sit here half crying and fixing my blog, he's downstairs cracking up watching re-runs of The Big Bang Theory.
I'm sure he's upset in his own way, right? I have to stop expecting a reaction from him or I will just feel disappointed or something.
I got a text from him that just said "Real Low. Not good. They told me to go see a fertility specialist".
Did you get any numbers? Did you ask any questions? GRRRRrrrrrr...When will he learn?? Of course I'm already upset and trying with everything I have to keep my shit together at work. (PS- didn't really work, only kind of)
After a lot of back and forth getting faxes- I get the report. No clue what I was thinking- like if I got the report I would just figure it out. So there I am in my cube googling "Normal Sperm Analysis". I'm sure my IT guy would have a field day with me lately. I leave a message for my doctor and give up on trying to translate the numbers.
She finally called right after 5pm. She explains all the numbers. His count is "exceedingly low". So low that they couldn't even get a measure of morphology or motility. Awesome.
Then she said the worst thing ever to me. "If the numbers stay as they are, you will never be able to have children naturally." Worst.Words.Ever. It was like someone had just pulled all the air out of the room and I couldn't get a breath to save my life. My eyes are almost swollen shut.
Tomorrow I call the RE.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
So let me update you. Sit back. This might be a long one.
JC (Husband's new alias) has been having strange pain in his side after he eats for a little while now. To me- it sounds like gall bladder problems. I *finally* convince him that he needs to go see a doctor about it. The GI Specialist sends him for an ultrasound of his gall bladder. The results show that his gall bladder is a-ok, but his liver- not so much. Fatty Liver Disease. I get to googling (clearly) and find out that this may or may not be connected to the hormone issues that he's having and we wait to see the urologist.
JC goes to urologist ALONE. Mistake #1. I now know that JC will never go to important doctors appointments alone. Ever. He sucks at the question asking part. Urologist tells him- sure- take Androgel. It won't hurt the swimmers and will fix your liver too. Oh and go get this semen analysis done. If it comes back bad- go see a fertility specialist. UM, HELLO. TONS of questions in between all those statements. Does JC ask any of them? Negative. So frustrating. But I digress. After a fair amount of googling and asking the girls on the boards (wonderful ladies- they are so helpful, really) I've been told that Androgel is a big no-no. I put the kabosh on him taking that stuff until we have more information.
I go to a new OB. I tell her my whole story- Rheumatoid Arthritis, Gastric Bypass (not sure I mentioned that...I had weight loss surgery like 3 years ago), Low Testosterone- the whole business. She does some reading while I'm sitting there and tells me that I should go back on my arthritis meds. They will be safe for TTGP and while I'm pregnant as well. THANK YOU GOD! That will make a HUGE difference in my quality of life. She tells me that I should send JC to a fertility clinic for the S/A- not a regular lab and writes me an order.
JC whines like a baby about providing the sample. I tell him to shut it multiple times and he complies. We turned in the sample last Monday and began to wait.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
So Enrique made a urologist appointment today. Probably because I threatened him within an inch of his life if he didn't, but I'm ok with that. July 1st is the date. Far away, but not terrible. I won't be able to go with him because of a work conference so I have the next two weeks to compile the long list of questions that I have for the doctor. Must start now!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
I think part of the reason that I'm full steam ahead on the baby making train is that I'm finally truly happy in my life. I am so content in my relationship with Enrique that it's not just that I want to have a baby- but I want to have a baby with him. I'm trying to make an effort do discuss the "clinical" parts of this process less with him. I'm doing all the same work- peeing on all the right sticks, counting, tracking...just trying to leave him out of that part. Hopefully it will work.
I'm also hoping to get a urologist appointment scheduled this week. Dying to get my questions answered!! I should ovulate this week so it will be a busy one!
Friday, June 11, 2010
A little about me....
I'm Kathy (32) and my husband is Enrique (34) (*the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Really that means I'm not yet ok with putting all this out into the universe just yet). Enrique and I have been together for almost two and a half years now. We did everything fast- got engaged quickly, got married quickly, and now are trying to have our first baby. Except that isn't happening as quickly as I'd like it to. So this is about that journey.
Where are we so far? Lots of factors involved in our baby making efforts.
Just a few....
1. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I was told by my Rheumatologist that I could stay on my arthritis meds and be safe. I was told by my OB/GYN that I should be 100% off them. So I decided to lean toward the conservative side and I stopped all arthritis medication at the end of February. Yikes! The sore joints and mild pain is now setting in. The Rheumatologist just tells me that it's just about me balancing how much I can tolerate against how long it takes me to get pregnant. From what I've read- a majority of women go into remission while pregnant so that shouldn't be an issue. Right now- it's just a wait and see how I feel kind of a situation. It's definitely slowed me down and stopped me from doing some things I probably would have been doing if I was still being medicated. But it's tolerable. Crossing my fingers that it stays that way.
2. As part of a routine physical- I discovered that my thyroid is under active. Normal ranges for TSH are 0.4-4.5. Mine is around 4.6. Ideal levels for women who are TTC are lower than 2. So I'm currently taking Synthroid and treating that. Hopefully it will come down and won't turn into an issue.
3. Also as a part of a routine physical- Enrique discovered that he has low testosterone levels. I guess normal levels are around 750 and his is below 250. Bad news bears. His GP doctor immediately wanted to put him on supplements, but I quickly put the kabosh on that. I have SO many unanswered questions about this problem and it's impact to our TTC efforts. Enrique thinks it's best to go see a urologist about this so hopefully that will happen in the next week or so.
So as you see- lots of things to juggle at this point. The good news in all of this is that my body is working like it should be. I ovulate (based on my charts...) and am pretty regular so that hurdle is taken care of. Now just need to line up all the other ducks. I never expected this process to be as emotionally consuming as it has turned out to be. I'm in the middle of Cycle #4 and each time I get a negative test, it gets a bit harder to take. Enrique is even beginning to get visibly upset which is terrible to see. So hopefully things work out for us.