Saturday, February 23, 2013


Lots of twinges in the ute area lately. Not really like cramps, but just odd twingey feelings.

According to NYU Fertility Center, today the blastocyst continues to hatch out of it's shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus. Oh FFS, I hope so.

I'm totally over Endometrin. TMI, but my vag is SO foul and soggy. I'm walking around feeling like I wet my pants. I'm burning through panty liners like they are free. My boobs hurt SO bad it's crazy pants. And I'm tired a lot. But I know all that is all from the progesterone.

I'm reading stories on the boards about people with FAR better embryos and are getting negative tests. I know you can't compare, but it's just hard to read that stuff and have any glimmer of hope. I should really quit reading it.

Thursday, February 21, 2013


Trigger is gone. Test from 6 days post trigger was stark white.

Hope is gone too. The RE from transfer really kinda sucked the life outta me. And now I've just decided that it's better for me to assume that it hasn't worked and be pleasantly surprised. I think I will also be less upset if I knew that we had some perfect textbook-esque cycle, but let's keep it real- it was far from that. 

I've already been researching protocols for poor responders and I'm mentally compiling questions for my WTF appointment. 

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

I'd like to introduce you tooooooooooooo...

Minotaur and Blossom Tanner Kapowski
I think they look just like me, don't you? 

I got knocked up by a man I just met while my husband watched. Ha! I've been using that line as much as possible today. It's not every day you can say that. We got to watch the whole thing which is pretty awesome. We got to watch them get sucked into the catheter, then the cath goes into the ute, then the little flash showing them going right in. It's amazing to watch, really. It just unreal that this can happen. Truly God and science working together. It's really amazing. 

The RE burst my hopefully little bubble a little. They are little behind, he says. One is a four cell and one is a five. Ideally they'd be AT LEAST 6 cells- should be more like 8-10. Sadfaces. All out of my hands at this point so all I can do is cross my fingers and pray like hell. Beta is set for March 5th. Lord knows I won't make it that long. I'll be peeing on sticks long, long before that. Trust. 

So now I'm in my very first two week wait. Like the first time I could legit be pregnant. After only almost three years. Crazy pants. But let's keep it real- if there is one thing that I am good at- it's waiting. I've done a lot of it. I may go underground for a while. I have some IRL homies that read my blog- HAI SARSSY! And I would love to be able to surprise them with good news if there is some. So I'll be blogging and holding the entries in draft until we know the news. Don't miss me too much, mmmmkay? 

Say some extra prayers for Minotaur and Blossom. <3 friends.="" nbsp="" p="" thanks="">

Monday, February 18, 2013

We made it!

I got the call today that the two are still growing stong! HOLY RELIEF. The nurse said they are looking perfect for transfer tomorrow. We'll transfer both little embryos tomorrow afternoon.

I am so thankful tonight. I'm thankful for all the people that are praying and sending us good thoughts. I'm thankful for my husband and how supportive and optimistic he is. And I'm thankful that we'll FINALLY get to transfer tomorrow- one more step down and one step further than we've ever been.

Sunday, February 17, 2013 THAT'S what those look like.

Yes, this is mine. But it's just from trigger. I just wanted to see what one really looked like. I've never seen one before. I thought they were fictitious like unicorns and leprechauns. 

Fert Report

Waiting for these calls about the embryos is BY FAR the most torturous part of this process. I stared at the phone all day today. Ugh.

All 4 eggs retrieved were mature.

Only 2 embryos growing and dividing normally. No idea what went wrong with the other two or when/how they stopped growing.

But I am choosing to focus on the two that are growing. And I'm praying with everything I have that the keep growing.

Will get another call tomorrow. 

Egg Retrieval Part 2

Now that I'm feeling more human/rational- I can tell the real story of Egg Retrieval.

We decided to stay at my Mom's the night before. She lives about 10 minutes away from the clinic and with the way things have been going- I didn't want to risk weather or some freak traffic accident throwing a wrench into the plans. Plus we had to be there at 6:30am.

So we got there, got taken back, changed into attractive hospital garb. And then you wait. For a loooooong time. Too long for someone who is a total anxious looney tune already. J tried to calm me down by telling me funny (not funny at the time) stories and being insanely positive. He reminded me that this is the furthest we've ever gotten. And it's been so hard to get here. And he's right. I should be happy that we got to this step.

They came in and explained what would happen and then the nurse anesthetist came and put my IV in. They asked me to verify who I was about 60 million times, which is good I guess. No need to mix up anyone's eggs. Unless you'd like to mix me up with someone who had like 20? Hmmm? Ok, sike.

Anyway- The doc also came to talk to me and verify what they would do in the lab. ICSI was a yes, but no assisted hatching unless the lab believed it to be necessary. Check. I'd never met this doc before- at Le Baby Factory- the rotate through the docs who do the retrievals so you get who you get. But he was nice none the less.

When it was show time- I walked to the OR with the nurse and they put me up in giant stirrups. And the next thing I remember I was waking up in recovery. For serious- I don't even remember laying down. That part is kind of awesome. When I woke up I instantly wanted to know how many eggs we had. The nurse wasn't sure yet, but would let me know. I felt like I was going to hurl so they gave me some zofran in my IV and it went away pretty quickly. The pain wasn't bad- like really bad cramps, kinda. J appeared from the waiting area and the nurse told me there were 4 eggs. And then I broke down.

Everyone keeps telling me I should be happy there are 4 and that it only takes one. Sure- all this is right. It just sucks to go through ALL THIS SHIT and end up with 4. It's disappointing that my body is failing me. It terrifies me that all the waiting we did could have really hurt our chances. And it just sucks.

Lots of people have said good things to me and helped me maintain perspective which is something I need desperately. It's all out of my hands now. Science did it's part and it's in God's hands now. I can only concentrate on one step at a time. We've never been able to get this far before. So now I can only focus on getting the fert report today. Please just let us make it to transfer. Please, please, please. I'll get the report this afternoon.