Merry-ish Christmas

This is *exactly* what I think my Boo Kitty says when he puts on his Santa costume. LOL 

I know it's not Christmas yet- but it's going to be a busy two days coming up. I was looking back at my Christmas Blogs from 2010 and 2011 and they are drastically different. 2010 still seems happy and upbeat. 2011 (post cancer, 2 years of IF) is far more depressing. And again this year I've had a really hard time getting any kind of holiday spirit. Like every year- this is by far the most super mega busy time of the year at work. I've been working like a freak of nature. J is still home (Dear Santa, Please bring J a start date. kthxbai.) so he's been doing all the Christmas business- decorating the house, the tree, wrapping gifts- everything. I kind of boycotted the whole holiday. I usually even love Christmas music- this year- meh. Not really. 

I thought 2012 was going to be our year. I thought it would have a different outcome. Yet here I sit, writing a verrrry similar post to last year. I know we're closer than we were last year. I know we'll really get our shot at having a baby. I know that will happen sooner than I expect. It all just feels like something that I can only talk about. When I really thought I was starting birth control for real- I had total internal panic. So as much as I want this year to end, I'm so afraid of how hard the next year may be. 

J and I went on a little date last night. He took me to dinner and a yummy restaurant called Basin's. And then we went to see the Christmas light display at the Botanical Gardens. And while we walked- we made a pact. This is our last year of this. If we don't have a baby or if I'm not pregnant by next Christmas- we'll just decide to be done. We'll just live as regular married people. I'm happy that there is an ending point. One way or the other- I'm ready to put this all behind us. 

Merry Christmas Bloggy Friends. I hope next year is better for all of us.