Sunday, March 11, 2012

2 Years Deep

And nothing to show for it. ::sigh::

About a year ago I made THIS post. And here I am another year in and still in the same place. Nothing to show for it. My level of anxiety about the future of our family (or lack there of???) is on the rise. I'm terrified of IVF and what will happen if it doesn't work. I'm terrified of all the decisions we'll have to make. I'm afraid of having testing done after what they found the last time. It's all so overwhelming. And even though we're months away from actually starting- the time will go quickly and then I'll have to face it. I'll have to face the possibility of things not going well.

I never thought I would have gone through all of this. You know when you go up the big hill on a roller coaster and you can hear that click click click all the way up the hill? I hate that part. And it seems like it takes so long to get up that hill for such a short ride. That is what this feels like- the hill is HUGE and the ride to the top is so long. It's been a whole year of click click click all the way up to the top. What happens when I get to the top? Will I like the ride? Will it make me sick? And then how does it end?

Too many questions. So much unknown. It's terrifying. But I have no choice, right?


  1. I think you've painted the perfect picture of the anticipation with the "click, click, click". Try when you come to the top of that hill to throw your hands up and scream. From fear and from excitement - scream. You'll make it through the ride, I promise! (I actually think going on a roller coaster and doing this would be therapeutic release of tension!) We're all here to cheer you on.

  2. ((hugs)) I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I have everything crossed for you!

  3. I love you and hate each and every day that you ever had to get on this damn roller coaster to begin with. You know how the online peeps talk about everyone being hopeful for each other when you can't be hopeful for yourself? You've got SO many people praying and wishing and hoping for you. We've got it covered, so you're allowed to feel however you want :)

  4. That roller coaster explanation is just perfect. Oh my gosh, a year full of clicks is right. It is a scary ride and I wish none of us even had to be on it. I'll keep you in my thoughts!