2010: What I learned

What a year. Roller coaster emotions. Hard conversations. Lots of good and bad. All in all- I can't say that I'm sad it's over. I have high hopes for a better 2011.

I'm sure there are a ton more...but here is some of what I learned in 2010.

1. When my husband thinks something on TV is funny, he repeats it.
2. Being able to manage your money is key to having a good marriage.
3. Infertility is terrible. The people who deal with it well are my heroes. I'm still learning from them.
4. I made the right choice when I left my job in March.
5. We'll never have enough money. And that's ok.
6. JC and I make a great team. We've been able to make some hard decisions together.
7. I have no desire to live in the DC Metro area long term.
8. I love, love, love being an aunt.
9. I will always battle with my weight, despite having gastric bypass over 3 years ago.
10. I have surrounded myself with amazing people.

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for my friends. My internet friends and my in real life friends. I don't think I could have gotten through the last year without them. I am grateful and thankful for you every day.

I am so thankful that my good friend MH brought me to The Bump. I have met some of the most wonderful people there- people I have learned from and respect. I hope they know that even if I don't "know" them- I really appreciate what they share. So thank you MH for bringing me MillerTime and Alison, Baboo and Mrs.Baker, Sulfa and Papps, Mchupie and Otter...and everyone that I forgot! You know who you all are!

Attitude

Usually I'm against the New Years Resolution. I find I never keep up with them and then just end up kind of disappointed in myself for breaking them. I know it's a few days early, but lately I've been thinking about my New Years Resolution. And I'm determined to keep it this year.

I told my husband that I'm trying to be the "Glass Half Full" girl this coming year. He said that was good because I'm usually the "No glass at all" girl. Ha!

I think with IF treatment on the horizon- it's a good time for me to get an attitude adjustment and start being optimistic and positive.

Merry Christmas!

I have the best Santa EVER. My husband is really the best at giving gifts. I am the luckiest girl ever. I got a Kate Spade purse and wallet and lots of other treats. He is amazing. The best part is that he told me that I am his best gift every year. I love you JC!

Merry Christmas to everyone! Hope Santa brings you your best gift ever this year!

Christmas Eve

Santa brought me a sick husband and my period for Christmas. Bah Humbug.

My father passed away when I was 16. I remember the first Christmas we celebrated after his death. It was the worst holiday ever. He had only been gone 2 months so reality had just started to sink in for us. I distinctly remember going to midnight mass on Christmas Eve and just sitting there trying to bargain with God. What would it take for just a little more time with him? No presents ever again? Done. That was the one I remember- I would give up Christmas for life. In my head, I knew it wouldn't work, but when you're in that low and hopeless place- it makes sense.

So here I am 16 Christmas' later- Still making deals. I'll trade you presents for a Hail Mary cycle in January??

Can I take it back?

Can I take back my Thankful Thursday? CD1 for me today. And I'm not thankful. What a total mind fuck that was. It was just long enough of a wait to make me think that despite the odds being 99.9% stacked against us, that I *might* actually be pregnant. Just long enough to think about how I would tell my Mom on Christmas. Just long enough to have my husband think that we might not have to spend an insane amount of money trying to have a child.

And now I'm just left feeling stupid for being hopeful.

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for a break. I am desperate for a break from work and after today I will have four glorious days off in a row. I am thankful that I live close to both of my families and that JC and I will get to spend the holiday with them. I think sometimes I take it for granted that we are so close in distance and get to spend so much time together.

Dear 14DPO,

We've never met before. It's good to see you...I think?? What I really mean is WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? This is 13DPO land AT MOST. Since we all know that I'm not pregnant- Go back to where you came from. Send AF. You're jacking up my testing schedule for next month.

Love, Me

Last night I Prayed.

I was raised Catholic. Went to church, Catholic schools- the whole nine yards. Somewhere along the way I lost it. Stopped going to mass, stopped all the business. I guess I just became not a fan of the Catholic Church as an instituion. But that is a whole other issue... Recently on Facebook- I've reconnected with my high school religion teacher. She is no ordinary person. I know that I can never quite explain her so I won't try to do her justice here- Let's just say she is an amazing person and quite possibly one of the best people I have ever known. When we were in high school and would attend Chapel in the morning before class, she would encourage us to pray for our husbands. Even though we may not have met them yet or didn't know who they were- we would pray for them every day. I always tell my husband now that I know that it worked because I found him and he is so great for me.

If it worked on my husband, why not my child? So for the first time in a long time- last night I prayed. I prayed for my child that I have not met yet.

1 Point for Me

I survived a Baby Shower today without having anyone asking me about when I was going to have a baby. WIN!

Mariah Carey

Dear Mariah Carey,

You anger me. You're 41 years old, have experienced pregnancy loss, and admitted to having trouble getting pregnant. And now you're having twins. And you **REALLY**think people believe that you didn't go through some kind of ART Procedure?!? When people in the spotlight hide things like having to go through Infertility Treatments, you make it seem bad or shameful to the public at large. You anger me. You should come out of the IVF closet.

Love, Me

Happy Dance

One of my favorite girls is pregnant. What a great start to today! She is such a great person and will make an awesome Mom. We know her as Miller Time so I've decided to name her baby Miller Lite! :-)

Love you MT and little Miller Lite!

Thanks to our Troops

www.LetsSayThanks.com

Xerox is doing something cool. If you go to that website above, you can pick out a Thank You card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq. You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to a member of the armed services. It's free and only takes a second! Wouldn't it be nice for each one to get one? Regardless of your feelings on the war- the people there deserve our support.

So click and send!

Cold Turkey

I decided to take a break from The Bump. My rising anxiety levels about IVF and Infertility treatments are making me a meany and intolerant to people being whiners about their problems. So I just need to step back a bit. I got the most wonderful notes from all the kind and lovely girls from TTGP. It's amazing to me how supportive they are. I would be lost without them.

Of course- I'm a total addict so I've been lurking all morning. It's hard to cut myself off. So girls- remember- I'm in the shadows! Ha!

I Will Be.

I can't take credit for this...I stole it from a wonderful lady Papps Blog.

I WILL BE

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that I have been given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that I am led to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

-Author Unknown, taken from TTGP

Anxiety

The closer I get to treatment, the higher my anxiety levels get. I'm noticing that I'm more aware of pregnant people and babies. And they are much more upsetting to me. I hate that. I just want to be happy and not have these kinds of things make me feel worried or sad.

If I'm like this now, how do I deal with the anxiety that lies ahead?!?

Bitter Betty?

Someone called me bitter today. Ok, so it was on the interwebz, but still. Bitter. Me. Whaaat? Am I?

Ok, so *maybe* I'm having a bitter day. But just maybe.

My sister is pregnant again. Her kids will be 1 year and 20 days apart. Irish Twins. I LOVE my nephew. He is so cute and so sweet. I love him the most. Today I found out that Baby #2 is a girl. And instead of having happy thoughts about dressing up my niece and going to ballet recitals and playing with her dolls- I was green with envy and 100% jealous. My mom called me and was so excited and already shopping and I was trying not to cry on the phone. So now she'll have one of each before I'll even be pregnant. She has officially stolen all the grandchild thunder right out from under me.

Disclaimer: In reality- I am thrilled. I love being an aunt and I will love having a niece. I would never say any of this to my sister, it's my own internal crazy.

Infertility seriously BLOWS.

Holiday Party

Or not?? Tonight was supposed to be our holiday party. And instead I'm on the couch with a box of tissues and my Boo Kitty watching bad television. I tried to get up this morning and go to the mall to start some of my Christmas shopping. Within an hour I felt like I had been hit by a truck and I was ready for a nap. I think I'm just wiped out!

I'm so sad that I got sick the weekend of our party and had to cancel it. I know there was no way I could have had all those people at my house- bring their kids over and get them all ill, though. So alas- no party this year.

On a lighter note- three excellent things- My TTGP Pal Alison is pregnant! So happy for her! I love it when I get to hear good news from my friends. Next is that next weekend I get to spend two days with my three high school friends from this post. I can't wait to see them again and catch up. And finally- as I type, JC is upstairs wrapping MY Christmas presents. He is an awesome gift-giver so I can't wait to see what ends up under my tree this year!!

Thankful Thursday

I missed Thankful Thursday yesterday because I'm ill. Snotty, fever, coughing ill. It sucks. But still I am thankful. I am thankful this week that I have good friends who support me when I need it the most.

Flying By...

I am such a bad waiter. I'm 110% impatient. It's one of the worst things about me. This whole "Let's have a Baby" thing is terrible for me because it's ALL about waiting. Wait to ovulate, wait to test. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

So now I wait for Super Sperms. Sperms with capes that fight crime. We started waiting months ago and I thought the wait would be forever. Now I look up and it's almost December. I can almost see the capes...

Happy Thanksgiving!

I survived my first Thanksgiving with my in-laws. Cocktails might have helped. As chaotic as the day was, and as tired as I am now- I have to remember how blessed I am today and how much I have to be thankful for.

To name just a few- My JC, family, friends, my job, my health, my Bump Friends- so so blessed to have all of this in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Let the Christmas Music begin!!

Super PISSED!

If you don't know already- I have become an active poster on The Bump's Trying to Get Pregnant (TTGP) message board. I think I would consider myself a regular there now that I've been posting for about 8 months. There is a terrible website called TTGP Post Secret. It's caused a lot of drama on the board. At first- I kind of liked reading them. You get to know who is calling out who, who is liked, who is secretly hated...gossipy kind of stuff.

My most recent visit to the website showed me the secret posted above and now I am SO pissed. I am SO tempted to wish terrible, horrible things on who ever wrote this. But after going through IF, I would never wish that on anyone. So if you posted this to that TERRIBLE website- YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. Karma is a bitch.

Still Bleh

Yesterday was crap. JC and I ended up arguing about all kinds of stupid crap. We went to bed not speaking to each other. And that's when the crying started. Not him, me. We ended up resolving things between us, but it lead us to a conversation about CD 1. Of course I was upset about it. Logically speaking- I shouldn't be. I know the odds are not in our favor to get pregnant without assistance. I know that it would pretty much be a medical miracle. I guess it's just a reminder of that each month. It just reminds me of the uncertainty of going through IVF and what happens if it doesn't work. It makes me nervous that JC and I will have to face not being able to have kids. I'm not sure what that means for us. I'm not sure if it means the same thing for him as it does for me. And I'm not sure what we would do about resolving those differences. That's a lot of uncertainty. And I'm a worry wart as it is. So that is never good.

I hate MFI. I wish that there was something wrong with me. I feel even more guilty for being upset about our infertility struggles because I think it makes JC feel terrible to see me upset. And I wish I could not be upset about it, but some days it just gets to me. Stupid Fvcking IF. I hate you. Bleh.

Ok. I feel better now. :)

Bleh

Every time I get my period it makes me remember how broken I feel sometimes. It makes me remember how scared I am that we'll never have children. It makes me feel bitter about all the people who take their pregnancy's for granted or neglect their children.

I wish I could be a glass half full kind of a girl. I'm a terrible worry-wart. And that just make all this worse.

A little while back I heard a quote that I taped to my computer screen today. I needed a little reminder.

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is to try just one more time." - Thomas Edison

Thankful Thursday

Today I have lots to be thankful for. Most of all I am thankful for MH. I'm glad she is physically ok after going through so much this weekend.

I am thankful that I know little Charlotte is watching over her.

Followers

Hi New Followers!

I love it that you're here with me on my journey. Thanks for reading.

PPH you all.

1 year down...

Sunday was my 1st Wedding Anniversary. My head was in a bit of a fog. I felt bad for being distracted, but with the recent news of the loss of Charlotte- it was hard to be in the moment.

Despite all else that was going on- I realized that I truly, truly married the BEST man for me. He is such a good partner in our relationship and so, so, so good to me. He expects nothing of me except for me to be myself. And that makes me love him even more.

Happy Anniversary JC- I love you the most.

Sad News

I got some of the saddest news I've heard in a long time yesterday. My good friend MH introduced me to The Bump when JC and I started trying to have babies early this year. She loved the community and got me involved. She got pregnant shortly after I began posting and her second little girl was due December 2nd. I got the terrible news on Saturday that MH lost her sweet baby at 37 weeks. I can't even imagine what she is going through. I am desperate to find something I can do to help, but right now all I can do is pray.

So please remember in your prayers little Charlotte Leigh- born sleeping 11/13/2010. She is a new angel in heaven.

Super Sperm

Just wanted to introduce you to my new mascot! I was telling JC that he is busy spending the next three months building Super Sperm. The story continued and we both decided that if they had capes, it would probably be best. The capes would probably help them swim better. So there he is- cape and all.

So go now, JC...build Super Sperm!!

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday...The RESULTS edition!

JC's Testosterone level without Clomid and Arimidex: 253

JC's Testosterone level with 4 weeks of Clomid and Arimidex: 470!!!

I think this Thankful Thursday speaks for itself.

Stalking

I've started stalking the Urologist's office. We should find out today or tomorrow (cross your fingers for today) if JC's testosterone numbers have gone up since being on Clomid and Arimidex. We talked about it last night before going to be for like 5 minutes and I ended up in tears again. (duh- should have expected that) I can't help it- the anxiety builds up for me and I automatically assume the worst. We've had so much bad news this summer. I can't help but think that it will continue.

One call in to the doctor so far. I'm totally calling again after lunch.

Thankful Thursday

I've been a thankful slacker. Today is Thankful Thursday. Today I am thankful for my mom. I have a mother who would lay down in traffic for me. I'm thankful that I have a good relationship with her and that I live so close to her. I know I take her for granted sometimes and I need to be better about that. I could never repay her for all she has given me. She is such a good example of selfless love and what it means to be a great mother.

The Nerves Return

JC goes for blood work tomorrow to see if the cocktail of drugs he's on is working to help his testosterone levels. Every step throws me back onto pins and needles. No idea what happens if this cocktail isn't working. But please throw out some good positive blood work thoughts for me, blog readers. I need all I can get.

:::crickets:::

So no recent updates. I'm not neglecting you. It's actually for a SUPER good reason. Because my life is super boring right now. AND THANK GOD FOR THAT! After the summer we've had, I am eternally thankful for the boredom. JC is starting to feel better and he goes back for blood work next week. Until then- we're just enjoying being regular married people. I'm practicing the "relax and it will happen" method! Ha!

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for regular everyday things...awesome Fall weather that is finally here, an upcoming three day weekend, and a new calm in my life.

What are you thankful for today?

Acupuncture

Just set up my first Acupuncture appointment! I have heard so many people talk about it and I'm excited to try it.

My first date is Tuesday the 12th. Can't wait.

A present to Me

I just bought myself a little something. It's a fertility bracelet from Etsy. Etsy is my new favorite thing. Here is a description:

I truly believe every little positive thought makes a difference.

Moonstone is a feminine stone, which is said to have powers that aid in nurturing receptivity and balancing of the emotions. The stone promotes love, hope, and fertility.

Hematite is used for grounding, calming, relaxing, preventing or controlling bleeding, muscle cramps, childbirth, anemia, blood circulation, and more. It can be worn in a bracelet to strengthen courage and bring energy when facing a difficult challenge. It counteracts negative energy in your environment.

Turtles are a potent symbol of both protection and fertility. Known for their patience, endurance, vitality and tenacity.

Can't wait to get it!!

Waiting

You would think that one thing I would be good at by now is waiting. This whole getting pregnant business is A LOT of waiting. Some days I'm good at it. I can see the point to the current waiting period and I cross my fingers that it will be good for us in the long run.

And then there are some days that the jealousy and impatient sides crrreeeeppp in and I find myself having thoughts that may seem a bit desperate and whiny. Why do *I* have to wait so long? I hate the waiting.

Please. Please let this wait not be for nothing.

Infertility Etiquette

Do you know of a friend who is have trouble trying to get pregnant or dealing with infertility? Don't know what to say?

Do yourself a HUGE favor and read this first. Just don't want you to sound like a Twatwaffle.

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Missing: BBT

I have cleaning people. Stop judging me. They just came this past Wednesday and that night- I noticed that my BBT is missing from my bedside table. It has lived in the same spot since March. And now- gone. Vanished. Did my cleaning people swipe my BBT? I mean of all the things to walk out with- a used thermometer? Really? Maybe the cleaning lady is trying to get pregnant and just started charting. It could happen.

Of course I'm not totally sure that they took it. Maybe it got caught up in the sheets or maybe it's under the bed. Who knows. It makes for a much better story to say that it was stolen by the cleaning people.

Thankful Thursday

It's so cliche and I've said it a thousand times before, but the thing that I am so overwhelmingly thankful for is my husband. I truly married the best person for me. He is such a good person and really is the best husband I could ever ask for.

Holy Bad Day Batman

I can't lie. I'm a cry-er. When I'm upset- 9 times out of 10- I'll end up crying. Crying at work is miserable. It's so embarrassing. Why does it have to happen to me so often??

It's only 9am and I've already cried at work 3 times today. Bad work day. Bad crying day.

Hopefully things perk up.

:::SIGH:::

That was me finally feeling like I have room to breathe. No appointments scheduled and JC is on the drugs. Now I can just sit back and enjoy my husband for a while without any pressure or fear. And that feels great.

Sike.

New Superman/Urologist is still my hero! So he called JC this morning to tell him that the numbers from his blood work *ARE* what he expected them to be and he should start taking the drugs ASAP and repeat blood work in 4 weeks. YEAH YEAH YEAH!

So this is good news. The best part is that hopefully JC will feel better. My hope is back.

Groundhog Day

Cycle Day 1. Bleh. Terrible.

I don't know if I should be happy that now we can get started on testing for IVF or if I should be sad because it's another failed cycle. I'm a little of both, I think.

And to top off the day- I came home from grocery shopping with JC and found my cat under my car. My stays-inside-all-the-time cat. JC let him out when he was going in and out today. He's lucky that he was only under the car. There would have been serious words. Don't mess with a lady on Cycle Day 1.

Retail Therapy

After my latest wave of bad news in baby-making land, I did some super awesome shoe shopping today and it make me happy. I love fall fashion and buying new boots is my favorite.

I got two pairs, but these are the ones I love and can't wait to wear.

Can I keep this up?

I've been waiting (impatiently, of course) to get the results of JC's blood work back from the new Hero/Urologist. I left his office last week feeling hopeful that we had at least found an explanation for the MFI and potential treatment for JC. I was hopeful that he could start taking these drugs and that regardless of having to wait for however long- that he would start feeling better. I left that office with hope.

JC's blood work shows that he's normal. Other than the Low T, everything else is normal. So Hero/Urologist theory = FAIL. Hope = FAIL.

How do I keep this up? I mean holy shiz- how many times can this happen? Get hope, get crushed. I'm ready to be done with this.

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful that JC made it out of his endoscopy unscathed this morning. As they wheeled him away from me, I realized that I have no idea how I would survive without him. So THANKFULLY all is well in the world.

I've been MIA on the blog recently...a work project has taken over my life. Hopefully things will return to status quo shortly.

Proud

JC is going back to school. Tomorrow is his first day of college. It's going to suck (for me too, quite possibly). He's already throwing the word "we" around QUITE a bit. But either way- I'm really proud of him for doing it.

Hurry up and.........Wait.

I was so nervous about going to this doctor. I had already gone to the place in my head where he told me that we'd never have children. JC calls that "snowballing". I do it quite often.

So Dr. Ratner (my new hero and new Urologist) reviewed all our records, gave JC a quick once over, and asked some questions. And then he explained what he is 98% certain is the reason behind our problems. An enzyme called Aromatase. Dr. Ratner explained that men produce both testosterone and estrogen. They are usually in a ratio where the T is much higher than the E. In men that are overweight (like my JC) there is an over abundance of this enzyme called Aromatase that changes T into E and shrinks the ratio. Best thing is that there is a drug that can block the production of this enzyme and return the ratio to normal. The.Best.News.Ever. In combination with that- JC is going on Clomid to stimulate the production of FSH. This will help get his testicles working overdrive to make up for lost time (kinda...).

So we test drive this cocktail for a month and then repeat blood work. If the T #'s are up significantly- then we do another 3 months and repeat the SA to see if the increased T has helped our SA numbers.

Good Things About This Plan:
1. These drugs will help JC feel better without impacting our TTC plans. Yeah!
2. Worst case scenario- we know we can have IVF with ICSI.
3. This plan *could* increase his count enough for us to try IUI! HOLY CRAPOLA!
4. The test drive period lets us get everything with the house squared away and the last of our bills paid off in the mean time.

So if you've made it this far- you deserve a cookie.

Needless to say- great appointment for strange reasons. Now I hurry up and wait.

IVF Update

I had a good little chat with my IVF nurse Chris yesterday. I let her know that I'm all scheduled for my HSG. She said I can go ahead and schedule my follow up appointment with Dr. Khan (my good-looking Indian RE who I really like) for a few days after my HSG.

October 8th it is. How can something be so exciting and make me want to throw up all at the same time?!? She let me know that at that appointment we'll get our IVF schedule and protocol. Here's the low down:
3 weeks of regular old birth control pills.
10-12 days of stimulating drugs
Egg Retrieval 24-36 hours after triggering
Eggs will be fertilized using ICSI
Egg Transfer either 3 or 5 days after retrieval
Then wait for the big news!

Sounds so simple, right?!? Lots to do to prepare- Injection classes, Mock Transfer. Lots of hands in my va-jay-jay. Lots. I guess I should just get over that part now.

My next concern- Before we got into the proposed schedule...she said "As long as things go ok with Dr. Ratner (new Urologist that specializes in MFI), then we'll be good to go." HUH?? Holy Crap. What else would we need to get through?? So please, please, please cross your fingers that we make it through tomorrow. If we do- we'll be starting out soon!!

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for the fall weather that seems to be on it's way. I am thankful that my car will be paid off next month. I am thankful that JC and I are able to make smart decisions together.

What are you thankful for today?

Coming Out of the Closet

I had a great weekend. It's been a while since I really had a great weekend. The events of late have really weighed on my mind and all of our activities center around appointments or preparation of some kind. It's draining.

I spent this weekend with three girls I went to high school with. One of them is one of my very best and oldest friends. We also went to college together and are still very close. The other two I lost track of along the way. We managed to reconnect over the very sad event of the passing of one girl's husband. So this weekend- we spent catching up. In one way, it makes me sad that I lost all those years of being friends with them. But on the other hand it makes me happy to be friends with them again. My high school friends are like coming home. They know the better version of me (in my opinion...). The non-crazy college drunk version of me. I guess that is what makes it so nice to spend time with them.

On my way to see them- I had an internal debate about telling them about IVF. JC is 110% against telling anyone. But I think that is his bruised male ego talking. My "Do I come out of the Infertility Closet" debate with myself ended when I realized that these people are not going to judge me. They will tell me that they hope that things work out for me and that empathize with my situation. Delicious desserts, good wine and conversation aside- THAT is why I had a great weekend.

Thankful Thursday

The Friday Edition.

I'm a day late, but still thankful.

I am thankful that JC and I got to spend some really good time together. I'm thankful that he is sharing his feelings about IVF with me. I am thankful that we get to get this show on the road sooner rather than later!

Vacation

No weather issues so we're off today! Goodbye Blog! See you on the flip side!

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for good news about the 2nd SA yesterday. I am thankful that we're headed down the path to having a family. I am thankful that JC and I are learning to communicate better every day.

:::Dancing Around:::

We are good to go for ICSI!! SO happy right now. What a huge relief! JC will be very happy. I think he was a tad bit worried about the word "biopsy" being thrown into the ring. The nurse said that all his genetic testing came back normal, his testosterone level was a bit higher than the first test (yeah!) and there were enough sperm to use for ICSI. PHEW!

She sent everything to the urologist for our consult on 9/17 so we're ready to go.

Now we can enjoy vacation. STAY AWAY EARL!

Ouch

My eyes are practically swollen shut this morning. Yesterday was a crying day for me. I know my family has the best intentions, but they don't get it. I know I can't expect them to, but it was just a hard day in IF land.

And to add insult to injury- there is a hurricane threatening my vacation. We're supposed to leave on Saturday for Bermuda and stupid Hurricane Earl is making it's way right up the coast in between Bermuda and the US coast. I'm crossing my fingers that it won't rain all week.

FML.

My sister is pregnant. Again. My nephew isn't even 5 months old.



That part alone is bad enough. But my whole family has known for over a week and they just didn't want to tell me. That part really sucks.

I hate that I'm that person that no one wants to tell. I hate that I have to be that person. I hate that my immediate reaction to "You're going to be an Aunt again!" was sadness. I hate that I have to try to hard to be happy for my sister. I hate how unfair all of this feels.

Back to it

I'm going back to charting tomorrow. I've been off the charting wagon for two cycles now. I figure that I better just keep track to make sure everything is on the straight and narrow with the ovulating and such. I'd rather not run into any other surprises.

In other health news- my doctor said my TSH levels are down again. 2.77 down from 4.6. She increased the med dose so I can get as close to 1 as possible. At least something is getting better.

CD 1

You'd think that after two separate doctors have told me that there is pretty much no chance that JC and I can have baby's the old fashioned way that I wouldn't be upset about CD 1. And yet it's still disappointing.

IF sucks.

Move or Stay?

That is the question.

We thought- we'll sell the house and go rent an apartment somewhere to save ourselves some serious cash-o-la. And in the long run that money will help pay for IF treatments. JC and I both spent some time researching rentals in the area today and discovered that it might not be such an awesome plan. It looks like we may not be able to save as much as we anticipated.

More research is required. Can we refinance and bring down our payment enough to make up essentially what we'd pay in rent? What happens if we do get pregnant quickly and then we're in a 750sq. ft. condo with no where to put New Baby C? How much would it cost to refinance?

So now it seems we're leaning a little toward the stay end. We have pretty much gotten the house to where we actually like it and we have plenty of space here.

So we'll see...research pending.

SA #2 v2.0

So JC dropped off the goods yesterday. I guess things work out just fine as long as he's not in the doctor's office. And now we wait for results. I'm hopeful that we'll be ok for ICSI. I can't even imagine JC's reaction if there has to be some kind of biopsy involved. I think he would freak out. So cross you fingers phantom blog readers (and my *2* followers! Hi Followers!!). I need some good numbers on this one.

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for vacation. We're leaving on September 4th for vacation and I'm counting the minutes. We are in desperate, desperate need of a little time away from all the mess that is going on in our lives- selling the house, buying a baby (ha ha...kind of...). All of it. So I am so very thankful that we have that to look forward to.

I'm Late.

Um, yeah. Just realized that my period is late. I haven't been late since that one time in college when I thought I was pregnant. I guess since all this stuff is going on- I just totally forgot to keep track of all that business. I always thought it was a crap reason before, but maybe the stress is messing with me? Don't know, but I wish we could get the show on the road. I don't need AF threatening my vacation.

Next cycle I'll be scheduling CD3 blood work. Yippie!!

I might have the best Mom. Ever.

So talked to Mom yesterday. She agreed to loan us the funds we need to move forward with diagnostic testing for IVF!!! We don't have to wait till January!!

Seriously I am so lucky to have the best Mom EVER. My parents tried for over 5 years to have children and then ended up adopting my sister and I. She went through SO much during that time and she's been such a great sounding board and so helpful for me to have someone to talk to about this whole process. She still thinks that IVF is a bit of a science experiment (she went through this 35 years ago..). I've had to bring her up to speed on the latest technology!

So for now- it looks like I'll do my CD3 blood work and US late September and HSG shortly after that. We should be able to have our IVF consult in October!! YEAH!!

One Day

ONE DAY
One Day I will no longer look forward to treatments,
I won’t have to inject myself,
Our sex life will be just that…Ours,
Making love will be simply making love,
Infertility won’t haunt my daily thoughts,
My hopes won’t be crushed after every cycle,
I won’t cry inside when I hear a friend is pregnant,
Or when my period comes, inevitably, every month,
I won’t constantly hunt for information,
Or try to decipher the “signals” that my body is sending me,
Or wonder if something I eat, drink, do, see, think could prevent pregnancy,

AND

One Day I will be the one with two lines,
Scared every day to lose a life inside of me,
Experiencing morning sickness,
Swollen, painful breasts,
Swollen ankles,
Fatigue,
And the joy of becoming rounder everyday,
I will discuss pregnancy and motherhood with other women as an equal,
I will hear a heart beating inside me that is not my own,
I will see a tiny “bean” grow into a Baby on ultrasound,
I will buy tiny clothes, cribs, strollers, carseats,
I will prepare a nursery fit for royalty,
One Day I will feel contractions grip my body,
And feel the anticipation of meeting my Little One,
And rush to the hospital,
My husband will be nervous,
And we will get through this too…together,
And we will meet Our Baby…our precious, beautiful Baby, that WE created,
We will count ten fingers and toes,
We will wonder who he/she looks like,
We will finally announce the arrival of our baby to our families,
And we will take Our Baby home,
To the nursery fit for royalty,
And count our blessings,
And cuddle our Little One endlessly,
And know how truly, truly blessed we are.

I believe that one day we will have all this, and more.

(I read this on a blog of another IF Blogger and had to share. Thanks.)

Break Down or Break Through?

What a busy weekend. Lots of time spent getting the house ready to sell. Painting and organizing. We're having a big yard sale this coming weekend so hopefully it will make us some cash in the process.

So Friday was supposed to be JC's 2nd SA. Except it wasn't. Apparently the clinical environment of the clinic didn't so much lead to the romantic setting needed to get the job done. He called me at work and yelled at me about how he couldn't do it. I was upset because he yelled at me. He was upset about the whole thing. We went to dinner that night and barely spoke to each other. He finally broke the silence and I told him that if I yelled at him every time I was pissed off about something that he wouldn't like it either. This isn't my fault and we need to learn how to deal with things like this in a better way. We spent dinner talking about how he is really feeling physically bad lately. Mood swings, fatigue- his weight is becoming more of an issue which is making his heartburn worse and more frequent. All things that I'm really concerned about (back to the chicken and egg post...).

Saturday night we went out with some friend and he had a few drinks (maybe more than a few). We got home and he let it all out- he's so sad about all of this. He feels broken. He feels like he has let me down. It was heart breaking to hear him talk about it. But at least he talked about it. I wish he would talk about it more. Maybe it might be easier for him.

I feel like I can't wait until January. I can't wait and just let him keep feeling worse and worse. It's not fair. So I'm going to ask my mom for help. Even just with the OOP meds and diagnostics. If she can loan us the money for that, then maybe we can start earlier and hopefully get my old husband back.

Nervous again...

JC goes for SA numero 2 today. We need the numbers to be better than or equal to the last SA. If it is- we can have ICSI done by JC just giving a sample. If it's any worse- they will need to take tissue in order to get sperm. And holy crap- that might be JC's worst fear. EV-ER.

So cross your fingers for good swimmers today.

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful that I have supportive people around me. Everyone I have told about our IVF plans has really been so great and supportive. I am so lucky to have that.

What are you thankful for today?

$$ Show Me the Money $$

How in Gods name do people pay for IF treatments? Now that I am *a little bit* over the shock part of all of this- reality is setting in. How on earth can we afford IVF? Are we better off doing Shared Risk? So many more questions come up.

Here is a list of my financial gripes about this situation.
1. Insurance is a crock.
I have a 10 month waiting period on my insurance for Infertility coverage. So that means 10 months from my start date for any type of diagnostic testing. That puts me out till end of January. Which would be fine if we weren't dealing with JC's Low T issues. 10 month waiting period means no end in sight for JC's issues unless the new uro is a miracle worker. Even if he is- we can't afford to pay OOP for testing and drugs. Just not gonna happen. So we wait.

2. We are moving.
We're selling our house and moving into my 750 sq. ft. condo so we can save everything we possibly can to pay for IVF. It's going to be miserable, but in the end- hopefully will allow us to save enough to not have this put us in a huge financial pit. Moving sucks.

Now I just need the house to sell quickly. It goes on the market September 1!

Chicken or the Egg?

I might be puking blog entries all over the place. Now that I've started updating, I feel like there is so much to say.

JC is making me nuts. I'm running into a "What came first- chicken or egg?" scenario with him. So we found out about the Low T. Check. Then we found out that he is having liver issues- Fatty Liver Disease- to be specific. He is gaining weight. He's tired all the time. And now is blaming it all on the Low T. Except he told me today that he had Popeye's for lunch. So what causes what? Low T causes all of this mess or being overweight is causing Low T, Fatty Liver, etc.? Chicken or Egg?

I know all his stuff is connected. The weight, the fatigue, the hormones...but at the same time- Popeye's isn't gonna help. SO frustrating for me because I know that if all of this is connected- then he's not doing all he can to change or fix the problem.

I have told him that I'm upset about this, but I can't nag him into submission. I can't force a 34 year old man to eat salads. He has to be in charge of what he puts in his mouth. (Ew. Gross. Sorry.) I can't be his mommy. I need a doctor to lay the hammer down on him. I'm really hoping that the urologist can enlighten us (with me asking all the proper leading questions, clearly).

Thankful Thursday

This Thursday I'm thankful that we have a plan. And that we're starting down the road. I'm thankful for hope.

What are you thankful for this Thursday?

Overdue Update

I knew I would be a blogging fail! I swear I'm going to try to keep up. It just means that my life is nuts-o right now.

So there is a lot to say at this point. Stay with me.

So we went to see the RE. SUPER nice doctor- Dr. Kahn. A lovely, good looking Indian man who was very attentive and explained everything very well. As I suspected, he told us that our only option would be IVF with ICSI. I am a total Google whore so I kind of knew that already. He explained everything to JC in non-medical IVF language which was also good. He never once said that he thinks it will be hard for us or there's a chance it won't work. He did say that it could take more than one cycle, but he was very hopeful. And I kind of loved that about him.

One of my big concerns about this whole thing is that JC's Low T is causing (or is a result of?) all kinds of other issues for him- fatigue, weight issues, etc. And because his count is so low- we can't treat the Low T without potentially crushing our hopes of using ICSI. This is really an issue because I also discovered at the RE that I have a 10 month waiting period on my insurance for any type of fertility coverage. Which means that none of the diagnostic testing or anything would be covered until the end of January of 2011. We can't treat the Low T until we can start IVF treatments. Best case- this puts us at March/April 2011. That's a long time for JC to go unchecked. So the RE is sending us to see a new uro that specializes in MFI. I'm super mega hoping that he can somehow help the Low T stuff without hurting our chances at ICSI any further. Fingers crossed for that.

So now we wait. JC gets all his stuff done in the meantime and we wait.

Thank you Sulfa!

I know I've been MIA. I promise to update today. There is a lot to say.

But in the meantime- I have to post this video. I found it on Sulfababy's blog (which is http://leapingsulfa.blogspot.com/) and it really hit home with me. What IF?

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

Big Day Today

We're going to the RE today. Cycle 6 and I'm already going to see the RE. I never thought we would be here.

I'm hoping for some hope. I know I have a lot to learn. I just need some hope.

Emotionally- it is already so unbelievably hard. I'm terrified of so many things. I'm scared of getting consumed by IF. I'm scared of what it will do to my marriage. I'm scared of the financial impact it will have on our lives. But really- I'm scared of never having children.

So we'll see. The first thing I need is just some hope.

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful that we will go to the RE today. I am thankful that I'm back on arthritis meds.

How is this possible?

Did I just never notice all the pregnant people around me before? Are there more of them? Are they after me?

I guess it just has a different impact when I find out someone is pregnant now. JC and I had some work done to our house and the contractors we were using are homeless. (nice people, but long story...) She's 47 and he must be almost 50? Both smoke like a freakin chimney. Oh and they are out of work. OH- and PREGNANT. WTF?!? No plan on how they will support the child (or themselves??), but having a baby. And me- plenty of ways to support a baby and no baby.

Men are from Mars

JC says to me last night "I'll be ok if we can't have kids." Um, what? What did you say? Is this some kind of code for "I'm secretly upset about my swimmers being jacked up but I don't want to tell you that so I'm emotionally preparing myself for the fact that we may not be able to have children."??

We scratched the surface of the whole conversation about adoption, but the first comment threw me for such a loop that I couldn't even go there.

I mean I get it- he's upset. This is a pretty big blow to the man ego. But if you're upset- just be upset. That's allowed. Especially with me. I wish he would just show how he feels and not hold it all in. It makes me crazy.

Oh and PS- AF showed up today. Late, but not surprising. Always a good day.

Still can't figure this out.

Still can't figure out how to deal with all this. Maybe I'm just sad today. Maybe it's my raging PMS. I'm terrified of this...of dealing with infertility. JC acts like nothing happened and I am totally consumed by this overwhelming sadness. What happens if I get mad at him for that? What happens if he's not even upset about this? What happens if we can deal with this together?

It's all terrifying to me. Especially since I'm not really a glass is half full kinda girl. I'm hoping that after Thursday's appointment with the RE that I'll be able to at least have some more direction. Maybe?

Hail Mary?

I've been so consumed with everything that has been going on that I realized last night that I should get my period either today or tomorrow. For the past 5 months I've been testing like a crazy person for like 5 days before I expected AF. This time- Haven't even thought about it.

I mean I know what the doctor told me. But it just takes one, right? I just need one good sperm.

I tested this morning. BFN.

Yeah for me!

I made it through the whole day yesterday without crying. Win for me! JC and I had the chance to chat a bit about what might happen at the RE and what our choices might be. He's scared of the financial impact to us. I haven't even started to think about that part. I'm scared of all the drugs involved. Oh and scared that it won't work. All cart before the horse, clearly. I guess it's freaking me out because it seems like usually people go through a long series of treatments before getting into IVF territory. So it's a little bit like we're in the deep end of the pool and need some major floaties or a noodle or something. Total NOOBS in the IF world. We have a lot to learn!

I've been reading this book- The Infertilty Survival Handbook. You can find it here. It is awesome. It's written in this way where you feel like you are friends with the author and she's telling you all this stuff over a double tall soy mocha latte drink. It's just validated a lot of the lonely, scary feeling parts. Highly recommended. Thank you 3T Ladies for the good recommendation!

Thankful Thursday

In the midst of all this madness, I have so much to be thankful for.

I am thankful for my job. I work for a great company and have great co-workers.
I am thankful that JC and I have each other.
I am thankful for the handful of people who have listened to me cry for the last few days.

How does this work?

I have no idea how to deal with this.

How do I not cry every day because JC and I may never have children? How do I explain it to my family? How will I ever be able to go to a baby shower without having a break down? How do I not avoid people all together because faking it is just too hard right now?

I don't know how to do any of those things. Not yet.

I heart Pat McGee Band

There's nothin like waking up lonely
The weight of the world on your mind

You lay there and listen to your heart beat
And you try to stop wanting someone else's life

And you think about a change

You're looking so hard for the reasons
You swear that you'll figure it out

You find something else to believe in
And you don't know why everything is closing in

And you think about a change

-Maybe It's Time, Pat McGee Band

Today's Goal

I just wanted to make it through the day without crying at work. Guess that is not happening. I made it till almost 8am, though so I guess that is a bonus.

Men are from Mars

I always want him to have the same reaction to everything as I do. If I am upset about something- clearly he must be too, right?

We'll never have natural chidlren and while I sit here half crying and fixing my blog, he's downstairs cracking up watching re-runs of The Big Bang Theory.

I'm sure he's upset in his own way, right? I have to stop expecting a reaction from him or I will just feel disappointed or something.

Worst.Words.Ever

So today we got the results of JC's S/A.

I got a text from him that just said "Real Low. Not good. They told me to go see a fertility specialist".

Did you get any numbers? Did you ask any questions? GRRRRrrrrrr...When will he learn?? Of course I'm already upset and trying with everything I have to keep my shit together at work. (PS- didn't really work, only kind of)

After a lot of back and forth getting faxes- I get the report. No clue what I was thinking- like if I got the report I would just figure it out. So there I am in my cube googling "Normal Sperm Analysis". I'm sure my IT guy would have a field day with me lately. I leave a message for my doctor and give up on trying to translate the numbers.

She finally called right after 5pm. She explains all the numbers. His count is "exceedingly low". So low that they couldn't even get a measure of morphology or motility. Awesome.

Then she said the worst thing ever to me. "If the numbers stay as they are, you will never be able to have children naturally." Worst.Words.Ever. It was like someone had just pulled all the air out of the room and I couldn't get a breath to save my life. My eyes are almost swollen shut.

Tomorrow I call the RE.

I am a blogging fail.

I for real suck at blogging. I promise to try to be better. So much has happened in the last few weeks. Where do I even start?!?

So let me update you. Sit back. This might be a long one.

JC (Husband's new alias) has been having strange pain in his side after he eats for a little while now. To me- it sounds like gall bladder problems. I *finally* convince him that he needs to go see a doctor about it. The GI Specialist sends him for an ultrasound of his gall bladder. The results show that his gall bladder is a-ok, but his liver- not so much. Fatty Liver Disease. I get to googling (clearly) and find out that this may or may not be connected to the hormone issues that he's having and we wait to see the urologist.

JC goes to urologist ALONE. Mistake #1. I now know that JC will never go to important doctors appointments alone. Ever. He sucks at the question asking part. Urologist tells him- sure- take Androgel. It won't hurt the swimmers and will fix your liver too. Oh and go get this semen analysis done. If it comes back bad- go see a fertility specialist. UM, HELLO. TONS of questions in between all those statements. Does JC ask any of them? Negative. So frustrating. But I digress. After a fair amount of googling and asking the girls on the boards (wonderful ladies- they are so helpful, really) I've been told that Androgel is a big no-no. I put the kabosh on him taking that stuff until we have more information.

I go to a new OB. I tell her my whole story- Rheumatoid Arthritis, Gastric Bypass (not sure I mentioned that...I had weight loss surgery like 3 years ago), Low Testosterone- the whole business. She does some reading while I'm sitting there and tells me that I should go back on my arthritis meds. They will be safe for TTGP and while I'm pregnant as well. THANK YOU GOD! That will make a HUGE difference in my quality of life. She tells me that I should send JC to a fertility clinic for the S/A- not a regular lab and writes me an order.

JC whines like a baby about providing the sample. I tell him to shut it multiple times and he complies. We turned in the sample last Monday and began to wait.

Whackadoodle Doctor

I hadn't had a physical in quite some time so a friend of mine recommended a new GP doc to me- she had a really good experience with them- so I figured I would try them out. I get my physical and really like the nurse practitioner. She discovered through blood work that my thyroid is under active and put me on Synthroid. Ok- good. I go back 8 weeks later for blood work in anticipation of my follow up appointment. I go back a week later for the appointment and the office is shut down. Just closed. Like TOTALLY shut down. FOR THREE WEEKS. No explanation or note on the door or message on the phone. Nothing. Awesome customer service, huh? My next problem was that my prescription was only going to last me so long and the office was now holding my lab results hostage. I *finally* just got in touch with them yesterday. My TSH levels are down from 4.6 to 3.9, but not far enough. Ideally they should be as close to 1 as possible. So she increased the Synthroid and I go back in 6 weeks. YEAH RIGHT. So they can be closed again?!? The hunt for a new doctor is on, but at least there is progress.

Moving Right Along

First of all- I've realized that I suck at blogging. I can't make mine have all the cute headers and dividers. It's a work in progress.

So Enrique made a urologist appointment today. Probably because I threatened him within an inch of his life if he didn't, but I'm ok with that. July 1st is the date. Far away, but not terrible. I won't be able to go with him because of a work conference so I have the next two weeks to compile the long list of questions that I have for the doctor. Must start now!

My aching ute

Enrique and I went to see some good friends this weekend who have a 14 month old son. HOLY SHIZ he is the sweetest little boy. He makes my uterus ache. Not all kids do it- but that little one TOTALLY does. I love him to bits.

I think part of the reason that I'm full steam ahead on the baby making train is that I'm finally truly happy in my life. I am so content in my relationship with Enrique that it's not just that I want to have a baby- but I want to have a baby with him. I'm trying to make an effort do discuss the "clinical" parts of this process less with him. I'm doing all the same work- peeing on all the right sticks, counting, tracking...just trying to leave him out of that part. Hopefully it will work.

I'm also hoping to get a urologist appointment scheduled this week. Dying to get my questions answered!! I should ovulate this week so it will be a busy one!

Blogging- Day 1

I've been inspired to blog. Lots of girls on TTGP have blogs and I love reading them. So I'm inspired. I hope I can maintain!

A little about me....
I'm Kathy (32) and my husband is Enrique (34) (*the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Really that means I'm not yet ok with putting all this out into the universe just yet). Enrique and I have been together for almost two and a half years now. We did everything fast- got engaged quickly, got married quickly, and now are trying to have our first baby. Except that isn't happening as quickly as I'd like it to. So this is about that journey.

Where are we so far? Lots of factors involved in our baby making efforts.
Just a few....
1. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I was told by my Rheumatologist that I could stay on my arthritis meds and be safe. I was told by my OB/GYN that I should be 100% off them. So I decided to lean toward the conservative side and I stopped all arthritis medication at the end of February. Yikes! The sore joints and mild pain is now setting in. The Rheumatologist just tells me that it's just about me balancing how much I can tolerate against how long it takes me to get pregnant. From what I've read- a majority of women go into remission while pregnant so that shouldn't be an issue. Right now- it's just a wait and see how I feel kind of a situation. It's definitely slowed me down and stopped me from doing some things I probably would have been doing if I was still being medicated. But it's tolerable. Crossing my fingers that it stays that way.

2. As part of a routine physical- I discovered that my thyroid is under active. Normal ranges for TSH are 0.4-4.5. Mine is around 4.6. Ideal levels for women who are TTC are lower than 2. So I'm currently taking Synthroid and treating that. Hopefully it will come down and won't turn into an issue.

3. Also as a part of a routine physical- Enrique discovered that he has low testosterone levels. I guess normal levels are around 750 and his is below 250. Bad news bears. His GP doctor immediately wanted to put him on supplements, but I quickly put the kabosh on that. I have SO many unanswered questions about this problem and it's impact to our TTC efforts. Enrique thinks it's best to go see a urologist about this so hopefully that will happen in the next week or so.

So as you see- lots of things to juggle at this point. The good news in all of this is that my body is working like it should be. I ovulate (based on my charts...) and am pretty regular so that hurdle is taken care of. Now just need to line up all the other ducks. I never expected this process to be as emotionally consuming as it has turned out to be. I'm in the middle of Cycle #4 and each time I get a negative test, it gets a bit harder to take. Enrique is even beginning to get visibly upset which is terrible to see. So hopefully things work out for us.