It's 11:06pm. WAYYYY past my bed time. Why am I up?? Well I went to bed like a regular person. And then I got all hopeful. I started thinking about what it would be like if this really does work. Thinking about showing J that stick with that little "pregnant" in the window. Telling my sister she's going to be an aunt. Maybe taking on of those cheesy pictures where you mean to say cheese, but you say "We're having a baby" instead. Or writing it on a cake. I let myself picture my family and J's family in those scenes. And I couldn't sleep thinking about it.
So I did what any rational person would do- I got up and took a pregnancy test. And now I can't sleep because that test is still stark white. Still one lonely line. And the hope is gone again. Now I can't sleep because I'm thinking about what happens if we never have a baby. I don't want to be sad like this. I don't want to just be an Aunt. I don't know how to do this.
I just want this to be over. I wish I could just go get the beta done and be through with this.