Long Overdue Update

I've been in for monitoring every day since Thursday. There are only really 4 follicles and they are growing super slow. My e2 is still rising, but still very slow. After having a total break down with the nurse on Saturday- I talked to my nurse on Monday and told her I wanted to speak to the RE. So Tuesday J and I went into another office and the RE did my ultrasound. He told me he thinks I have DOR (duh!) but he encouraged us to move forward with the cycle. He said he thinks we'll get 5-6 eggs (hopefully) and that we still have a chance at success. So we decided to move forward. Based on this morning's ultrasound, I will most likely trigger tomorrow for a Saturday retrieval.

If all of this wasn't craptastic enough- I realized last Friday that I was running out of meds. I called the pharmacy which I didn't know was located in Boston and already shut down because of the snow. I had to go to MD and pay $1500 out of pocket for drugs. I called Monday to get a refill of Gonal F and Menopur and to order my trigger shot. They ordered them to be delivered today. When I picked up the box- all that was in it was the trigger shot. So now I'm left with not enough Menopur to make it through tonight. I really have been holding it together through all this and now I can't stop crying. What if this is the thing that just throws this whole in the shitter? I just want ONE thing to work out. I don't need all of them, but just one would be great.

I talked to the nurse on call at the RE and she called the on call doc. They assured me that I'll be fine, but everything else has gone wrong, so now of course I'm sure this isn't helping. I'll know tomorrow what time we'll trigger and if we are definitely set for retrieval on Saturday. 

What a Craptastic Day

Went back for monitoring today. 4 follicles- largest at 12mm. Ugh. Was really hoping for more growth. Not really bigger follies, but more of them. 4? I mean really?

I talked to my nurse and she said she's concerned that there aren't so many follicles. Yeah- me too. They increased my dose of Gonal F to 375 and kept the Menopur at 225. Ganirelix starts when the follies are at 14mm, so I'll go back tomorrow morning to check for that.

I'm losing hope already. I know it's early, but seriously this blows. We've been trying to get to the point of starting IVF for SO long- it's felt like FOREVER. And in my head- It's always been the end game. Like if we can get to IVF, we'll be fine. And now we're not. I fucking hate infertility and all the mind fucks it delivers. Blah.

First Day of Monitoring

I wore my lucky Aloha socks to my appointment this morning that I got from a lovely, lovely lady on 3T. Love ya Denise!! The nurse asked me if I had ever been to Hawaii. I told her no, but I have this lovely group of internet friends and we exchange socks cause when you're in treatment, you spend a lot of time in stirrups. So you might as well have cute socks!

And we talked about this all while she wanded me with the dildo cam. Might as well chat it up while you're there, right?

 So no follicles over 10mm. She said that things look quiet in there, but that's "appropriate" for this point in the cycle. She said they'll look at my blood work and call me with instructions. So of course I missed the call from my nurse and all she said was that Dr. Khan (as in the Wrath of) wants to increase my dose of Gonal F to 300 and Menopur to 225. I wish she'd have told me my E2 level, but alas- I have no idea. So we did that tonight and tomorrow and I'll go back on Thursday. I'm hoping that Thursday will show some measurable growth. I hope she's right about it being appropriate. Internet friends say I'm right on track and that things look ok.

It's hard not to worry. The stress is starting to creep in. Worrying about follicle growth, shooting up meds the right way...ugh. This is not good for a worry wart like me.

I did my best.

I can now honestly say that I tried. I tried my best to get my weight down. As of this morning I was 2 points under the BMI limit. I exercised my ass off today and have been doing very low salt food, lots of veggies, and tons of water. So hopefully everything will work out in my favor and we can press on. And if not, then I'll keep going down this same path and I'll know for sure that next month I'll be ready.

Cross your fingers for me.

I think I failed.

I've taken exactly 7 birth control pills. ONLY 7.

And all week I've gained weight. I've been working out 5-6 days a week and not even cheating. I thought I was doing well. So it must be the birth control? Right? Water weight? W

I thought I'd be under the weight limit with no problem. But if I keep on this path- I won't make it. How humiliating will it be to get on the scale in front of the nurse and my husband and have her tell me that I'm too heavy. I don't think I can do that.

So what do I do now? Crash diet? Cleanse? J says don't do anything drastic and just see what happens.

I feel like a huge failure. I tried all this time and I failed. I moved the dates, and I failed. I hate my body. I hate the way I look. I hate that I can't just have one thing work out. I wish I could quit.

Gettin Poked

I started going to acupuncture again. I hope those little needles can help maintain my sanity over the next several weeks. I'm not really all that familiar with the science behind acupuncture, but I know that for me- it's very relaxing. I'm also hoping we can work a little bit on my arthritis issues and inflammation in general. So for now the plan is twice a week for a little while and we'll see where things go from there.

In other news-I hit a bit of a plateau in my weight loss, but it finally appears that I've broken through. FINALLY. Ugh. I'm almost down 24lbs. I would really like to hit 30 before starting stims.

3 pills down- 17 to go!

WTF Update

He said that he was really happy that we made it to fertilization. He said it looked good for three days and then it arrested.  He did say that there was even a chance for people who have good egg and good sperm that the same thing happens to the embryo. So that being said- there is always a chance that things will work the next time. He thinks that traditional IVF is kind of useless for us since he's almost positive that there would be extra eggs that wouldn't be able to be fertilized. He thinks we should try Natural Cycle two more times before moving on. We are going to talk to the Urologist again about using Clomid again to try to improve count. J has an appointment next week on the 18th. 

We did talk about Donor Sperm. Last night before the appointment, J basically told me that it's his brother or nothing and he's not sure what he thinks about adoption. I spent the whole night (not really even an exaggeration) crying- I feel like he's really limiting our options and it's just really sad. So we talked about using his brother's sperm- they will use a known donor, but there would have to be psychological testing, legal paperwork, and then a 6 month waiting period to use the sperm. He did say we could do a split cycle- and use the donor as a back up. If we did that- we would do traditional IVF. 

So no idea what we're going to do. I expect to get my period maybe this weekend? If John goes to the Uro and he says yes- try the Clo and see what happens- that will be at least 60 days. So puts us to December? We're traveling in November so the timing would be sketchy for that. If he says no to the Clo- then we'll cycle again this coming month. 

If we have to move to donor sperm- we may be at an impass. Here is where the question comes in. I just don't know if I can use his brother's sperm. I mean there is the ick factor and the general creepiness of it, but aside from that- there are SO many reasons I can think of why this isn't a good idea. So blogging friends in the universe- riddle me this- What if it were your only shot at being a parent? Would that change your opinion? Would you explain it to the child (when appropriate)? How would you explain it? Would you tell the rest of your family? 

Zero to Sixty

That is how my life goes. Feast or Famine. All or nothing. Go big or go home. And 1000 other similar cliches. But alas....

Friday was a big day for me. My last day at work. It was awkward and sad and a huge relief. I'm glad to have it behind me and move forward.

I went for monitoring Friday morning and my lovely little follie was ready for trigger! I got the call Friday afternoon that I would trigger 12:45am. Egg retrieval is scheduled for Sunday September 2nd at 10:45am. EEEEEeeeeep!! Squeee! So then I started to panic. I've been so distracted by everything work related, that I'm not quite sure it had sunk in that we were *REALLY* going to do this.

I left work, got home, and promptly had a huge ridiculous melt down complete with ugly cry. Part of it was just how everything had been building up over the last two weeks, and part of it was that I have no control over this process now that we're this far in. All I can do is follow the directions of my doctor. And the control freak in my HATES that. All in all, I think I needed a good cry.

I'm done with the Roller Coaster

For real. I'm done. Up, Down, Up, Down...it's making me feel like I'm going to hurl.

Here's my latest news. This may be long, it's been a rough couple of days.

Thursday and Friday sent me back to the hospital for Thyroid testing. I was scheduled to have two injections of Thyrogen (synthetic thyroid hormone) one on Thursday and one on Friday. They are using Thyrogen to attempt to stimulate my thyroglobulin levels. Thyroglobulin is the marker in the blood work for cancer. Normally it is undetectable. So if you get Thyrogen, and your thyroglobulin levels rise- that is bad. If it stays undetectable, then we're in the clear. I was also set to have an ultrasound of my neck to look at my lymph nodes around my neck and my thyroid bed. 


Thursday:
Went and got my Thyrogen injection- no problem. Walked over to radiology for the ultrasound and my back starts hurting. Uh-oh. With my history of kidney stones I was getting nervous that I was having a stone. Remember this post?? The last time I had a stone was during my thyroid biopsy. How appropriate. Ugh. So they called me back and I'm waiting for the tech and the pain is getting worse and worse- and now I'm having trouble breathing through it. It's like someone is stabbing me in the back. Now I know it's a kidney stone and I know I have to get to the ER. Lucky for me that I'm at the hospital. Ha! To add to the frustration, my phone doesn't work in the hospital and it's about 1000 degrees outside. I'm sweating from the pain and have to go outside to try to get a hold of J. I head to the ER that is PACKED full of people. They are kind enough to get me back quickly and start an IV. Once the IV went in- the pain stopped. They did do a CT Scan to confirm it was a stone (which it was), but they said it was small and on it's way out. So they sent me home with pain meds and instructions to drink a lot. 


Friday:
Pretty sure I passed the stone early early Friday morning. No pain and no feeling it since then. Back to the hospital for Thyrogen shot #2 and rescheduled ultrasound. Got the shot- no big deal. Except Thyrogen makes you feel like dog shit. Glad to be done with it. I went back for the ultrasound and when the tech was finished she said to me "You have some nodes that need to be evaluated." WHAT? I have WHAT? That is pretty high on the list of things you DON'T EVER say to people who have had cancer. I proceed to cry the entire way home and by the time I got home, I'd convinced myself I had cancer again and I would never have a baby. Way to stay positive, Kathy! After crying and stewing about it for far too long, I decided to email my endocrinologist and just see if he could get the results any sooner. He emailed me back at 10:47 on a Friday night. He is amazing. Here is his email to me:

Your pre-thyrogen labs look great and the thyroglobulin is undetectable (just like we want it to be - this is the thyroid cancer marker).

I also have the sono result and the lymph nodes that are seen are benign appearing. We see stuff like this all the time. Nothing to lose sleep over.


He attached the ultrasound report and it says in the findings section: No sonographic evidence to suggest recurrence.NO RECURRENCE!!!
I wanted to make out with him. The relief was unreal. So at the end of the day- I am going to be fine. I don't have cancer anymore. Monday I go for follow up blood work from Thyrogen, but now I'm not worried about that. Phew. 

I'm alive. I swear.

I haven't been in such a blogging mood lately. But it's been a total shit day.

Here's the latest scoop.

1. J went back to the Urologist. Since his last SA was total crap- like worse than it's ever been- I figured that his blood work would show that his testosterone levels were in the shitter and they would simply put him back on Clomid and Arimidex and we would go on our merry way. Except now- his testosterone levels are normal. Whaaaaaaaat? So now there is no explanation for the low count and no reason to put him back on the drugs since they were really aiming to raise his testosterone levels. It's overwhelmingly frustrating to not have anything that we can do to help ourselves. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of cross your fingers and hope for the best. The urologist suggests that he give a sample the day before and the day of the egg retrieval. If there aren't enough sperm, they would have to go in surgically.

2. Our consult with the new RE has been rescheduled 4 times now. The RE's mother was terminally ill and so I can't fault him- just adds to the frustration level. So for now it's scheduled for June 29th. God help me if that date changes. I will cut a bitch.

3. I've been emailing with my endocrinologist. He plays quite the crucial role in all this. He has the power to give the go ahead. The IVF Green Light. My testing for him is scheduled for the week of July 4th. Right after that would be the exact right time for me to have an HSG done. Except tonight he told me that the first follow up he can do is July 23rd. And that pushes everything a whole other month. What's another month at this point? Well today another month feels like another year. I am DONE waiting. I have waited long enough. I am tired of waiting.

4. I hate my job. I especially hate it today, but with all these appointments coming up- it's going to mean that I'll need time off. And right now- it's damn near impossible to get time off. I'm caught in between two managers at work who just want to be in charge. So it's like a giant pissing contest. I don't want to tell the people in Maine about IVF. It's too many questions. I thought I'd be out of this BS call center job by now, but I'm still chained to my headset. I am applying to jobs, but mostly government and let's be for serious- they aren't really known for speed. So now tomorrow I have to go tell my heartless miserable human being of a manager that I need all kinds of time off so I can try to have a baby.

I think the part of all of this infertility crap that I hate the most is the roller coaster of it all. My last post was all happy and cheery. And now here I am, back to feeling hopeless and stressed. I just want this all to be over. One way or the other- I want to close this chapter of my life. It's become far far too long.

Long Overdue Update

Lots to update about...

1. J and I made nice after the sperm donor incident. We had to have a long talk about him drinking and his feelings about all of this. I had to explain what I needed from him in terms of support. I think it was most likely a long overdue conversation. And luckily- we landed on our feet and I feel stronger moving forward. We did end up having a talk about using a donor if it came to that. I think it is going to be something we agree to disagree about. J says the only way he would be comfortable with using a donor would be if it was someone in his family. I say the only way I'd be comfortable would be with someone anonymous. So that's the end of that. Donor sperm won't be an option for us. And that's ok.

2. I totally came out of the closet about our infertility during National Infertility Awareness Week. I did it without thinking and had a HUGE panic attack about it. Like I almost deleted my Facebook page cause I was so freaked out about it. I guess it's fine, but holy crap what was I thinking?!? I hope it doesn't bite me in the ass. It's going to be fine, right?

3. I'm three weeks deep in therapy. I think it's helping. I feel like I recognize that the issues I'm having are not related to infertility, but really issues I've had all along, but are just exaggerated by the infertility stuff. And really- the fact that I can recognize them and the fact that the infertility isn't my main issue kind of makes me feel more normal. Kind of. ha ha. My insurance pays for 20 sessions. So I'll go the 20 and see what happens after that.

4. We've decided to explore Natural Cycle IVF. I have no ovulatory dysfunction, so in theory- if we could get past the issues of sperm count- there isn't any reason I shouldn't be able to get pregnant. With the cost savings, it will help take some of the pressure off of IVF. Right now we can only afford one chance. Even if we did shared risk with our current clinic- with the cost of the drugs- we just can't afford to cycle more than once. Natural Cycle IVF is about a quarter of the cost of traditional IVF so if we did that- we could have several cycles of opportunity before we would reach our financial limit. I still have a lot of questions, but we're going to go for a consult sometime in May and just see what happens. J is irrationally hopeful about this option. I'm being more realistic (read: not hopeful). But we'll see.

So lots going on recently. And I'm feeling good. It's almost MAY. Whaaaaaaaat?!? Three more cycles and we'll be trying to have a baby. Yikes.

Shit My Husband Said

J and I had dinner with his brother and his brother's wife Saturday night. It was quite possibly one of the most embarrassing nights of my life.

Let me preface this with a little story... A little while back- J and I had a TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL conversation about donor sperm. I asked him how he would feel about using a donor if we had to go in that direction. Without even 5 SECONDS of thought- he said to me "Easy- I'll ask my brother."  :::blank stare::: Um, no thank you. I understand his reasoning- then our child would still have his family's gene's. But HOLY FREAKIN CREEPY. I told him that would really be something I'm not sure I could do. I just wasn't sure I would ever be able to get beyond the fact that it would be his brother's baby.  Obviously- being that the conversation was TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL- it was my first gut reaction.

So now you may realize where I'm going with this. So J decided after a little over a bottle of wine, that he should ask his brother (and his brother's wife, mind you) to be a donor for us. Without consulting me. While he was drunk. Over dinner. Enter the most awkward moment ever. J asking for sperm, my brother in law and his wife now making the :::blank stare::: face. I tried my hardest not to cry (I'm a little sensitive these days, I guess) and just tried to change the subject. Until he proceeded to tell them that we'd already talked about it and that I thought it was creepy.

Mortified doesn't even really come close to describing how I felt. Or how I still feel. I woke up the next morning to an email from my brother in law agreeing to donate sperm to us. Ugh. Unreal. I told J that I was upset and he laughed it off. We spent Sunday barely speaking. Today was much of the same. Tonight I finally had to tell him how upset I was. He told me he was sorry and then while I lay in bed crying, he rolled over and went to sleep.

Maybe it's just because I'm in kind of a bad place right now, but I have never felt so abandoned by him as I did tonight. Or discounted. Like my feelings didn't matter to him at all. And it's the saddest thing ever. I feel like I'm so fragile right now. And had you asked me last week, I would have told you that he was the only thing able to hold me together. This week? Can I say the same thing? I'm just not quite sure.

Therapy

I went to therapy yesterday. I guess it was good?? I have no frame of reference for what makes it good or not good. I guess I can't really tell after just one visit. I'm not entirely sure that I will click with this woman, but again- one visit is hard to make a judgement about. So for now I'll keep going.

I guess I didn't really think about what it was that I was looking for from the whole experience. Just to vent? Advice? No idea. I don't think it was just venting. I do that a lot and I feel like I talk about things on my own. So that may be part of the issue. Not quite sure what to expect from the whole experience.

I figure it can't hurt, though.

FML

Those yahoos at work changed my work schedule. And they couldn't really have come up with worse hours if they tried. The hours only changed by one little hour, but in communing land- that's all it needs. I was already going into work super early just to avoid the traffic, but this will be terrible. I think the worst part is that I won't be home till likely 7:30 at night. That means it will be near impossible to do anything after work.

I'm applying like crazy for jobs. Hopefully something comes through.

Admitting Defeat?

Maybe it's just being proactive? Yes. Let's call it that.

Did a lot of thinking this weekend. And well I had yet another melt down. I had full intentions of attending the 3rd birthday party of a friend of mine from college's son. And I just couldn't make myself go. I had a panic attack about 30 minutes before we were supposed to leave and ended up crying in my bed. J seriously has no idea what to do with me when this happens. And I think it's really starting to freak him out too. On top of that- I think my most recent string of unhappiness comes from more than just all this infertility business.

I'm pretty unhappy with my weight lately. My eating habits have gone right into the shitter. So that is the first change. I need to get moving and I need to start changing the way I eat. Pronto. I've been making 1000 excuses in my head about why I haven't started doing this, but now there is no excuse anymore. I need to get my act together.

I've decided to try therapy. My anxiety is getting worse and worse. And I'm MONTHS away from treatment. I think that rather than let myself spiral away, that I should try to be a bit proactive and learn to manage things as we go. I'm going to call two people from my insurance website and see where I get with that. Ugh.

The Uphill Ride

Click, Click, Click...

The ride up the giant IVF hill has begun. I talked to my IVF nurse today for the first time since I found out that I had cancer. She was just as nice as she was when we were first cycling. She wanted to know how I was feeling and how J was doing. She was so happy to hear that I am now cancer free. She's excited to hear that we are cycling again. It was nice to hear someone be optimistic.

J goes next week for another semen analysis. The first since surgery. Let the anxiety begin.

2 Years Deep

And nothing to show for it. ::sigh::

About a year ago I made THIS post. And here I am another year in and still in the same place. Nothing to show for it. My level of anxiety about the future of our family (or lack there of???) is on the rise. I'm terrified of IVF and what will happen if it doesn't work. I'm terrified of all the decisions we'll have to make. I'm afraid of having testing done after what they found the last time. It's all so overwhelming. And even though we're months away from actually starting- the time will go quickly and then I'll have to face it. I'll have to face the possibility of things not going well.

I never thought I would have gone through all of this. You know when you go up the big hill on a roller coaster and you can hear that click click click all the way up the hill? I hate that part. And it seems like it takes so long to get up that hill for such a short ride. That is what this feels like- the hill is HUGE and the ride to the top is so long. It's been a whole year of click click click all the way up to the top. What happens when I get to the top? Will I like the ride? Will it make me sick? And then how does it end?

Too many questions. So much unknown. It's terrifying. But I have no choice, right?

Holiday Travel

I'm going to Maine. Humph.

I went to work last week and was told that I would be going to Maine on December 12 and would be gone until Christmas and then back to Maine in January. I was pissed. No one asked me if I could travel, if I had plans. Nothing. I went into a panic thinking about how I was going to finish Christmas shopping and holiday stuff before leaving. J's family was doing Christmas on an "off" day this year since my Brother in law's family was traveling to Michigan for Christmas. I made them change the day of their celebration so I could be there. And I resigned myself to two weeks in Maine. The travel side aside- the job I'll be doing in Maine blows. I'll be working in a call center. It's a job they could train anyone off the street to do. It's a huge slap in the face from my supervisors.

I went to work the next day and was told that all the plans had changed and I would be flying to Maine on the 28th and would be spending the new year there and coming home the following week. After I had rearranged my whole life. Awesome.

That was last week. Travel arrangements still haven't been made. Nothing is final. There is a solid chance that I'll be ringing in the New Year in Maine. Alone. Working. In a call center. Seems so appropriate considering the year I've had, right?

Needless to say- the job hunt is ON.

It's D Day.

Dentist Day.

So I had my first full blown all out panic attack today. At the CONSULTATION- no work actually done to my teeth. Like the kind when you can't take a full breath and I felt so hot that I thought I may pass out. And I was doing the ugly cry. It was a stellar performance. J was checking me in at the dentist while the dentist himself was trying to calm me the fvck down. Seriously- this isn't normal. Not even a little bit. Once I got in the chair I was ok, thankfully.

The good news- I survived the consultation.
The bad news- I need 2 root canals. FML.

There will be sedation involved. I'm already armed with happy pills for the night before. I don't want to remember even one second of it. I go back on next Wednesday. NO FUN.

P to the S- J was Super Husband today. He offered to hold my hand the whole time and didn't even laugh at me while I was busy making a complete and total ass of myself. He is amazing.

Bad News Today

Today I went to the hospital for my post treatment scan. They repeated all the scans that they did the morning I was admitted. They do a whole body scan, a scan of the neck, and of the chest. They sent me back to the waiting room to prepare the films and make sure that they had everything they needed. The technician came out and told me that they needed to repeat the chest films. So we repeated the chest films and I went back to waiting.

The technician came out again, sat down next to me, and told me in a hushed voice that there was a "spot" on the chest scan and that I would need to come back again tomorrow for another scan. They want to be able to compare the scans from last week to the scans from today to the scans from tomorrow and determine what the spot is.

I don't really know what that means. I just know that I'm scared. I'm scared that tomorrow I will find out that the spot is more cancer. J is still out of town so I will be going to the scan alone. I hope I won't have to get more bad news while I'm there alone.