Death Cramps

I got my period yesterday. Despite taking progesterone, I got my period anyway. And HOLY SHIZ- it's the worst period I've ever had. Cramps that almost made me leave work and have me eyeing the Vicoden I got after egg retrieval. I talked to the nurse today and she told me to keep taking the meds- Estrodil and Endometrin. Um, probs not. Nothing except a tampon is going in my vag right now. She said "You could still be pregnant." NO I CAN'T. Just let this whole damn thing end. Ugh. And I have to go tomorrow morning to get blood drawn for me to prove to her that I'm not pregnant. I get it- they need some kind of official negative. Ok, fine.

I guess the good part about already getting my period is that hopefully we can move right into #2. Am I nuts for doing that? I can't tell yet. I mean the crazy train is moving- why bother stopping it?

10dp3dt

Negative. I'm feeling like I can really call it a fail now. And I'm FO SHO ready to quit shoving progesterone in my vag. Yesterday was melt down day. I couldn't keep my shit together for nothin. I threw myself a pity party last night and kindly invited my husband. We had a good heart to heart. He talked, I cried. He told me we were going to be ok. And that was what I needed to hear.

I'll keep testing till the beta, but I'm gonna go ahead and say that we'll be moving on to IVF#2 soon.

One thing I've decided is that I told FAR too many people we were doing this. And now it's going to suck to have to tell a billion people that it didn't work. Lesson learned for next time.

8dp3dt

It's 11:06pm. WAYYYY past my bed time. Why am I up?? Well I went to bed like a regular person. And then I got all hopeful. I started thinking about what it would be like if this really does work. Thinking about showing J that stick with that little "pregnant" in the window. Telling my sister she's going to be an aunt. Maybe taking on of those cheesy pictures where you mean to say cheese, but you say "We're having a baby" instead. Or writing it on a cake. I let myself picture my family and J's family in those scenes. And I couldn't sleep thinking about it.

So I did what any rational person would do- I got up and took a pregnancy test. And now I can't sleep because that test is still stark white. Still one lonely line. And the hope is gone again. Now I can't sleep because I'm thinking about what happens if we never have a baby. I don't want to be sad like this. I don't want to just be an Aunt. I don't know how to do this.

I just want this to be over. I wish I could just go get the beta done and be through with this.

I'd like to introduce you tooooooooooooo...

Minotaur and Blossom Tanner Kapowski

I think they look just like me, don't you? 

I got knocked up by a man I just met while my husband watched. Ha! I've been using that line as much as possible today. It's not every day you can say that. We got to watch the whole thing which is pretty awesome. We got to watch them get sucked into the catheter, then the cath goes into the ute, then the little flash showing them going right in. It's amazing to watch, really. It just unreal that this can happen. Truly God and science working together. It's really amazing. 

The RE burst my hopefully little bubble a little. They are little behind, he says. One is a four cell and one is a five. Ideally they'd be AT LEAST 6 cells- should be more like 8-10. Sadfaces. All out of my hands at this point so all I can do is cross my fingers and pray like hell. Beta is set for March 5th. Lord knows I won't make it that long. I'll be peeing on sticks long, long before that. Trust. 

So now I'm in my very first two week wait. Like the first time I could legit be pregnant. After only almost three years. Crazy pants. But let's keep it real- if there is one thing that I am good at- it's waiting. I've done a lot of it. I may go underground for a while. I have some IRL homies that read my blog- HAI SARSSY! And I would love to be able to surprise them with good news if there is some. So I'll be blogging and holding the entries in draft until we know the news. Don't miss me too much, mmmmkay? 

Say some extra prayers for Minotaur and Blossom. <3 friends.="" nbsp="" p="" thanks="">

We made it!

I got the call today that the two are still growing stong! HOLY RELIEF. The nurse said they are looking perfect for transfer tomorrow. We'll transfer both little embryos tomorrow afternoon.

I am so thankful tonight. I'm thankful for all the people that are praying and sending us good thoughts. I'm thankful for my husband and how supportive and optimistic he is. And I'm thankful that we'll FINALLY get to transfer tomorrow- one more step down and one step further than we've ever been.

Fert Report

Waiting for these calls about the embryos is BY FAR the most torturous part of this process. I stared at the phone all day today. Ugh.

All 4 eggs retrieved were mature.

Only 2 embryos growing and dividing normally. No idea what went wrong with the other two or when/how they stopped growing.

But I am choosing to focus on the two that are growing. And I'm praying with everything I have that the keep growing.

Will get another call tomorrow. 

Back from Egg Retrieval

Only got 4. I'm pretty disappointed. I don't even know what else to say.
I'll get the fert report tomorrow.

Triggered!

Just triggered! Egg retrieval is scheduled for 8:30am Saturday.

I'm feeling much better. After the medication debacle, I went in this morning and had 6 good follicles. 6! 6 sounds amazing compared to 4. I felt much better. So many girls have been telling me amazing success stories about cycles with poor response or low numbers of eggs/follicles. So I'm feeling more hopeful after that.

And just in case you thought this was all going smoothly- here's what happened tonight. This cycle is seriously like a total comedy of errors. The only drugs I got yesterday was my Lupron Trigger. Today (at 5pm) when the nurse was giving me instructions she is talking about 10,000 iui's of HcG. I told her I only had Lupron and all along I was told I'd be triggering with Lupron. Well apparently the RE changed his mind today and wanted me to use HcG. The nurse calls in a script to the only local pharmacy that has these drugs which is 7 miles from where I was and they closed at 6. Well in DC rush hour speak- I wasn't sure I was going to make it. I dragged J out of the restaurant where we were meeting for Valentine's Day dinner and drove like a bat out of hell through traffic. 7 miles took me 45 minutes.  And I got there just under the wire. Unreal. This whole cycle is a total cluster fuck! It really will be a miracle if anything works out on Saturday. 

Long Overdue Update

I've been in for monitoring every day since Thursday. There are only really 4 follicles and they are growing super slow. My e2 is still rising, but still very slow. After having a total break down with the nurse on Saturday- I talked to my nurse on Monday and told her I wanted to speak to the RE. So Tuesday J and I went into another office and the RE did my ultrasound. He told me he thinks I have DOR (duh!) but he encouraged us to move forward with the cycle. He said he thinks we'll get 5-6 eggs (hopefully) and that we still have a chance at success. So we decided to move forward. Based on this morning's ultrasound, I will most likely trigger tomorrow for a Saturday retrieval.

If all of this wasn't craptastic enough- I realized last Friday that I was running out of meds. I called the pharmacy which I didn't know was located in Boston and already shut down because of the snow. I had to go to MD and pay $1500 out of pocket for drugs. I called Monday to get a refill of Gonal F and Menopur and to order my trigger shot. They ordered them to be delivered today. When I picked up the box- all that was in it was the trigger shot. So now I'm left with not enough Menopur to make it through tonight. I really have been holding it together through all this and now I can't stop crying. What if this is the thing that just throws this whole in the shitter? I just want ONE thing to work out. I don't need all of them, but just one would be great.

I talked to the nurse on call at the RE and she called the on call doc. They assured me that I'll be fine, but everything else has gone wrong, so now of course I'm sure this isn't helping. I'll know tomorrow what time we'll trigger and if we are definitely set for retrieval on Saturday. 

What a Craptastic Day

Went back for monitoring today. 4 follicles- largest at 12mm. Ugh. Was really hoping for more growth. Not really bigger follies, but more of them. 4? I mean really?

I talked to my nurse and she said she's concerned that there aren't so many follicles. Yeah- me too. They increased my dose of Gonal F to 375 and kept the Menopur at 225. Ganirelix starts when the follies are at 14mm, so I'll go back tomorrow morning to check for that.

I'm losing hope already. I know it's early, but seriously this blows. We've been trying to get to the point of starting IVF for SO long- it's felt like FOREVER. And in my head- It's always been the end game. Like if we can get to IVF, we'll be fine. And now we're not. I fucking hate infertility and all the mind fucks it delivers. Blah.

First Day of Monitoring

I wore my lucky Aloha socks to my appointment this morning that I got from a lovely, lovely lady on 3T. Love ya Denise!! The nurse asked me if I had ever been to Hawaii. I told her no, but I have this lovely group of internet friends and we exchange socks cause when you're in treatment, you spend a lot of time in stirrups. So you might as well have cute socks!

And we talked about this all while she wanded me with the dildo cam. Might as well chat it up while you're there, right?

 So no follicles over 10mm. She said that things look quiet in there, but that's "appropriate" for this point in the cycle. She said they'll look at my blood work and call me with instructions. So of course I missed the call from my nurse and all she said was that Dr. Khan (as in the Wrath of) wants to increase my dose of Gonal F to 300 and Menopur to 225. I wish she'd have told me my E2 level, but alas- I have no idea. So we did that tonight and tomorrow and I'll go back on Thursday. I'm hoping that Thursday will show some measurable growth. I hope she's right about it being appropriate. Internet friends say I'm right on track and that things look ok.

It's hard not to worry. The stress is starting to creep in. Worrying about follicle growth, shooting up meds the right way...ugh. This is not good for a worry wart like me.

Shooting up is STRESSFUL.

Phew. First night is over.

The injections- easy. No pain, tiny needles, didn't sting or burn. Easy.

The mixing and drawing up- STRESSFUL. By the time I was done, I was sweating! This is NOT something I want to mess up. When we went to injection class, I remember thinking that this won't be so bad. And then tonight I sat down to actually do this and I was like wait a sec- what needles go with what? And HOW THE EFF DO I DO THIS?!? And then I started to panic.

But in the end- I think that I did ok. And now I hope that my little follicles are in there growing away. And I hope I don't pass out over all the worrying I'll do about messing this stuff up between now and monitoring on Tuesday.

Baseline Done!

We're all set to start stims on Saturday. Whaaaaaaaaat? Like start for real? Oh shiz, I better figure out how to do these injections. First monitoring appointment is February 5th.

We're doing IVF. HOLY SHIZ. 

Look What I Got!

Ok so just ignore all the other crapola on the table, but LOOK WHAT I GOT!!! Drugs! Needles! More Drugs! Is this the part where it gets real? ha ha I guess there is no turning back now!

Remember my little tiny stash that I used for Natural Cycle? No? Here it is. Makes this big box look like a crap ton of drugs. It also made me realize that I have just about zero recollection about how to mix the drugs and which needles go with which thing. I guess I'll figure that part out?? I hope??

Gah! We're really doing this! This is crazy pants. Just total crazy pants.

In other news, J went to provide a sample today that we hope to freeze as a back up. I hate waiting for SA results. It's the worst. I'm hopeful that I will hear something tomorrow. He's been on Clomid since September so I am so hoping that it will have helped.

Tomorrow is baseline and stims should start Saturday!

I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

I got a call from the pharmacy today to pay for my meds over the phone. I've been secretly nervous about this cause I have NO clue what the cost to me would be. I know that we ordered about $6,000 in medication.

The lady says that the total for all the medication is $115.00. I just about cried. I was expecting thousands of dollars. Instantly I was so thankful for this insurance we've been given. It really did change everything. I remember the stress I felt and the pressure of being 100% Out of Pocket. I am so lucky.

I hope that I have lots of left overs and I hope they will help someone else that needs them.

Today was a good day!

Today was a success! I've been up since 4am worrying about this weigh in. Ugh.

But I passed! I made it! We're moving forward! ::pats self on back::

I had my mock transfer today which went well. Oh how I missed the dildo cam. So happy it's back in my life. The only thing I was told was that my bladder was too full so day of transfer, they may ask me to empty it a bit. Oh, ok. I can handle that. PHEW.

And then we went to injection class. My brain is now full of medication mixing and drawing up and needle sizes. And it's all a huge jumble. I'm sure we'll be ok in the long run- just a TON of information. But they have videos and charts and all kinds of stuff to help you out, so no big.

Consent forms are signed and meds arrive on 1/29. EEEeeepp!! This still feels fake- like something is bound to screw it up and we'll be on hold again. Right? I mean are we doing this FOR REAL?!?! WTF.

8 more pills to go. I hate BCP. Hate.

Baseline is 1/30! Stims start 2/2!

This is really happening.

So we're really going to do IVF. ::gulp::  I got my period today and shit got serious.

Sounds like a funny thing to put in a blog that's done nothing but bitch about waiting to do IVF, right? ha ha Turns out I'm REALLY good at talking about IVF, but I'm super mega nervous to actually go through with it. Part of it is that I'm irrationally afraid they will tell me I still need to lose weight. (I'm really fine- I just am a paranoid freak) but part of it is just the whole emotional roller coaster of it all and not knowing what to expect.

I got my calendar and I should expect a call from the pharmacy as early as the end of the week to set up med delivery. ::gulp again:: I will call tomorrow to set up my mock transfer and our injection class. Birth control starts on Wednesday and will go through the 29th of January.

I'm not telling anyone that we're doing this in real life- not my mom or anyone. So interwebz- it's just you and me through all this.

Here goes nothin.

SKjfsjwioefsdkjclkJSLKDFJiejf!!!!!!

I was going to update yesterday to tell everyone in Blog-Land that I was starting birth control AGAIN, but for realzies this time. We were all set to cycle in early January. And before I could even write the post- it was already changed.

The financial lady called me and said they were having problems getting insurance authorization and that in order to move forward and schedule the cycle, we would have to sign something agreeing to pay out of pocket if they couldn't work it out. They warned us that in the past, people have been billed, and then had to submit for payment on their own. And all of that sounds like not anything we want to deal with. So we've decided once again to wait. I'm a waiting expert.

This all feels fake. Like we're just going to keep talking about doing it, but we won't realllly try. I have such low expectations now. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and just quit, but I know I'll regret not trying.

Progress

So far, so good. 

And an update. J and I decided to move our IVF cycle until after the new year. The waiting sucks, but I'm kind of used to it now and I just want to be 100% sure that I can focus on the weight loss for a little while. It would really suck to go all out and STILL not make the cut off. So we'll wait until January and spend the next few weeks exercising and eating food that's good for me. 

Shit just got Real.

Soooooooo this is pretty embarrassing. More like reeeeeeaaaaallllly embarrassing. In 2007 I had gastric bypass. I lost 110lbs. It changed my life. It was amazing.

Today- my nurse called me to get my weight because Le Baby Factory has a BMI limit. And I'm above it. ::hangs head in total shame:: So in order to start stims- I have to drop 17lbs by the end of November. I'm not entirely sure that I can accomplish that, but all I can do is try.