Zero to Sixty

That is how my life goes. Feast or Famine. All or nothing. Go big or go home. And 1000 other similar cliches. But alas....

Friday was a big day for me. My last day at work. It was awkward and sad and a huge relief. I'm glad to have it behind me and move forward.

I went for monitoring Friday morning and my lovely little follie was ready for trigger! I got the call Friday afternoon that I would trigger 12:45am. Egg retrieval is scheduled for Sunday September 2nd at 10:45am. EEEEEeeeeep!! Squeee! So then I started to panic. I've been so distracted by everything work related, that I'm not quite sure it had sunk in that we were *REALLY* going to do this.

I left work, got home, and promptly had a huge ridiculous melt down complete with ugly cry. Part of it was just how everything had been building up over the last two weeks, and part of it was that I have no control over this process now that we're this far in. All I can do is follow the directions of my doctor. And the control freak in my HATES that. All in all, I think I needed a good cry.

Maybe the Tides Have Turned??

I had two whole long miserable years of nothing but bad news. One thing after the next- it was all bad news all the time.

And since the beginning of the summer, we've been riding the wave of constant good news. I almost don't want to talk about it because I've spent a lot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't have this much good news. It's like a totally foreign concept.

My list of goodness
1. J got a new job- and we got amazing IF coverage. Total game changer.
2. We really liked the new RE and decided to move forward with Natural Cycle IVF.
3. I was formally cleared by the Endocrinologist and was told there is absolutely no recurrence of my thyroid cancer.

And now #4- #4 is a good one. I got a new job! FINALLY! After seven full months of working in a call center- I got a new job. Oddly enough- I'm going back to work with the client that I worked with for 5 years before I was married. The contract is with a different company, but same idea and lots of the same people that I'll be working with. I got a raise, half the commute that I'm doing now, and a waaaay better work schedule. Amazing. It will change my life for the better in so many ways. Right now I get home around 7:15pm. J has to cook dinner every night or we would eat too late. And I have no time to do anything at night. And all that will vanish with this new job! It's very close to J's work (like 2 miles) so we can even carpool to work some days. I can go in early at like 6:30-7:00 and be home early too. AH-MAZ-ING. I don't have a start date quite yet- I'm just waiting for my security clearance to cross over and then I'll give my notice. I'm mentally preparing for that. Quitting when you work for a small company is not fun. They get super pissed off. But whatevs.

5. There are two houses in our neighborhood that are selling for what we would need to sell our house for to break even. That means we should be able to sell this house in the spring and peace outta here! We have only a very general idea of where we want to live so right now- the plan is to move in with my Mom (eeep!) for as long as we can tolerate- hopefully about a year- to save money and figure out where we really want to live. That could be a verrrrrrrrrry long year.

Do you believe in trends? Could this possibly continue? If it does- I really just need one more good thing. That's all I need. Please?

I'm alive. I swear.

I haven't been in such a blogging mood lately. But it's been a total shit day.

Here's the latest scoop.

1. J went back to the Urologist. Since his last SA was total crap- like worse than it's ever been- I figured that his blood work would show that his testosterone levels were in the shitter and they would simply put him back on Clomid and Arimidex and we would go on our merry way. Except now- his testosterone levels are normal. Whaaaaaaaat? So now there is no explanation for the low count and no reason to put him back on the drugs since they were really aiming to raise his testosterone levels. It's overwhelmingly frustrating to not have anything that we can do to help ourselves. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of cross your fingers and hope for the best. The urologist suggests that he give a sample the day before and the day of the egg retrieval. If there aren't enough sperm, they would have to go in surgically.

2. Our consult with the new RE has been rescheduled 4 times now. The RE's mother was terminally ill and so I can't fault him- just adds to the frustration level. So for now it's scheduled for June 29th. God help me if that date changes. I will cut a bitch.

3. I've been emailing with my endocrinologist. He plays quite the crucial role in all this. He has the power to give the go ahead. The IVF Green Light. My testing for him is scheduled for the week of July 4th. Right after that would be the exact right time for me to have an HSG done. Except tonight he told me that the first follow up he can do is July 23rd. And that pushes everything a whole other month. What's another month at this point? Well today another month feels like another year. I am DONE waiting. I have waited long enough. I am tired of waiting.

4. I hate my job. I especially hate it today, but with all these appointments coming up- it's going to mean that I'll need time off. And right now- it's damn near impossible to get time off. I'm caught in between two managers at work who just want to be in charge. So it's like a giant pissing contest. I don't want to tell the people in Maine about IVF. It's too many questions. I thought I'd be out of this BS call center job by now, but I'm still chained to my headset. I am applying to jobs, but mostly government and let's be for serious- they aren't really known for speed. So now tomorrow I have to go tell my heartless miserable human being of a manager that I need all kinds of time off so I can try to have a baby.

I think the part of all of this infertility crap that I hate the most is the roller coaster of it all. My last post was all happy and cheery. And now here I am, back to feeling hopeless and stressed. I just want this all to be over. One way or the other- I want to close this chapter of my life. It's become far far too long.

FML

Those yahoos at work changed my work schedule. And they couldn't really have come up with worse hours if they tried. The hours only changed by one little hour, but in communing land- that's all it needs. I was already going into work super early just to avoid the traffic, but this will be terrible. I think the worst part is that I won't be home till likely 7:30 at night. That means it will be near impossible to do anything after work.

I'm applying like crazy for jobs. Hopefully something comes through.

Home. FINALLY.

I have no idea how to even explain my trip to Maine. What a long trip. I am not cut out for work travel. I realize now how much I enjoy being at home with my husband. And I realize I can never move north. Holy Shit. Maine is BY FAR the coldest place I've ever been. I'm sure that Maine is beautiful in the summer, but it is miserable in the winter. MISERABLE.

I must say that the people I met there are very kind and welcoming. The work will be much more challenging than I anticipated. I guess that is good and bad. Good because it won't suck as much as I thought, and bad because I think I'll be stuck doing it for a while. There is all kinds of other drama going on at work, so for now- I'm thankful that I have a job.

Turns out I'm heading back to Maine next week. Another two weeks. Dreading it. Absolutely dreading it. Ugh. I'm trying not to think about it now. Just enjoying being home. Maine stories and pics to come.

When I Grow Up

When I grow up, I want to be a ______________.

You'd think that when I was rounding the corner to 34 that I'd be able to fill in that blank. But yeah, no clue. When I was in my early 20's, I would have told you that I wanted to do research. Psychological research. And then I would have said that eventually, somewhere along the way, I'd like to have a family.

With all the job hating that's been going on recently, J and I have had a lot of conversation about where my job/career is going. Is this a time to think about making a change? Can we afford that? How does that change our plan? I've been up way past my bed time tonight thinking about this. I got a call for an interview tomorrow. It's pretty much the same kind of job that I have now. They promised me at least at $10,000 raise. But it's in the city. And I'm dreading even going to the interview. I'm dreading it because they will throw a bunch of money at me and ask me to come work for them. And then I'll have to fill in that blank up there.

So through all this- what I've been thinking about is my stupid infertility. Do you plan your life around something that doesn't exist yet? Something that may never exist? Or do you charge forward as if that thing wasn't what you really want most? Will that 2 hour commute to the city wreck my family life? Will I have a family life? Will I have a family?

Now that I'm in my 30's (almost mid-30's YIKES) and you asked me to fill in the blank, my first answer is that I want to be a Mom. And a $10,000 raise isn't worth compromising that goal or making it any harder than it already is.

Holiday Travel

I'm going to Maine. Humph.

I went to work last week and was told that I would be going to Maine on December 12 and would be gone until Christmas and then back to Maine in January. I was pissed. No one asked me if I could travel, if I had plans. Nothing. I went into a panic thinking about how I was going to finish Christmas shopping and holiday stuff before leaving. J's family was doing Christmas on an "off" day this year since my Brother in law's family was traveling to Michigan for Christmas. I made them change the day of their celebration so I could be there. And I resigned myself to two weeks in Maine. The travel side aside- the job I'll be doing in Maine blows. I'll be working in a call center. It's a job they could train anyone off the street to do. It's a huge slap in the face from my supervisors.

I went to work the next day and was told that all the plans had changed and I would be flying to Maine on the 28th and would be spending the new year there and coming home the following week. After I had rearranged my whole life. Awesome.

That was last week. Travel arrangements still haven't been made. Nothing is final. There is a solid chance that I'll be ringing in the New Year in Maine. Alone. Working. In a call center. Seems so appropriate considering the year I've had, right?

Needless to say- the job hunt is ON.

No Maine

My trip was cancelled! Yahoo!!

So I'm not in Maine. And couldn't be happier about that.

Maine

I've always wanted to travel for work. Secretly I always wanted to build up airline miles and hotel points and use them for my own personal gain. Plus when I was younger, it always sounded so fancy. "I'm traveling for work this week." How grown up, right?

And now I'm traveling for work and I have no desire. I love my bed and I can't sleep well without my husband. Lame, right? It looks like I'm headed to Machias, ME for two weeks. Yes- Machias, Maine is a real place. Population 2,500. There are more moose than men in Machias. So just about the only thing in Machias is the call center that I'm going to visit and a bunch of lobsters. I'm pretty sure that the place that we are staying is much closer to Canada than it is to Machias.

Here is my list of reasons that I'm not happy about going to Machias:
1. I'm going to Maine with two co-workers. One is at least 70 and one is 26. Quite the trio, aren't we? My 70 year old co-worker is most upset that there is no Walmart in Machias. Please god let us have more than one rental car.

2. I'm not quite sure that I'll have cell phone service in Machias. Sadface. How will I talk to JC?

3. Internet access = questionable. I mean people in Machias have to use the internet, right?!?! Off the grid for two weeks? I legit need the internet for work so this could really suck.

4. Husband-less for two weeks. I hate that part the most.

5. Too many unknowns. I'm a planner. I need to have a plan. Can I do laundry in Machias? Can I call people? What do I need to wear to this place? What is the schedule like? No plans sucks.

6. It's already freezing in Machias.

But on the bright side- I can get a lobster for like $3 in Machias, I'll probably get to see a Moose up close, and go to Canada. Hopefully there are good magnets too.

On Days Like Today...

I need a new job. My day started out with an 8:15am scolding from my manager. When will she ever learn that people are not perfect. Mistakes happen. No one will die because someone makes a mistake at my job. I will never understand why some people (like my manager) are hateful just for the sake of being hateful. What does that get you? Everyone ends up miserable.

On one hand, she is DESPERATE to be my friend and on the other she scolds me like I'm a child. If I left my job and was asked what made me leave- it would be her. And 100% no other reason.

Back to Work

Today I'm having massive anxiety attacks about going back to work on Tuesday. I checked my work email and there's already nasty emails from my manager about things we need to "discuss" upon my return. I don't have it in me anymore.

I have the worst fatigue ever. Not just being tired- like pure exhaustion. The kind like when you get the flu and you feel like you've been hit by a truck- that kind. Like tired to the core. That happens around 2pm every day. Not really sure how that will pan out at work.

The closer I get to going back to work, the worse the anxiety gets. I wish I could just quit.

New Job?

I've decided that I need a new job.

I work for a verrrry small (like 35-ish employees) company. I came to work here a year ago and when I did- I loved working for a small company. Don't get me wrong- I like my job. But now everything in my life has changed. IVF happened, and then Cancer happened. And it has really made me think about my benefits. I realized that I have no short term disability benefits. So next week when I'm out because of having surgery- I won't be paid. I'm technically not even covered by FMLA. And all of that is making me more and more nervous.

So now I'm actually PAYING to have cancer. Awesome.