This actually happened to me today.

The very last thing we had to do before completing all our pre-IVF work was contact the Urologist and find out what his plan was for J. We had some conflicting reports so we just wanted everything to be square for scheduling purposes. J has left a message for the Uro and was waiting for a call back.

Side note: J and I bought my Mom a sound bar for her TV for Christmas. We haven't been able to hook it up because we needed an extra cable.

So being the very nice son-in-law that he is- J went up to my Mom's today to install the sound bar. They were just leaving lunch- sitting in the car- when the doctor called. And J talked to him. On Bluetooth speaker phone. With my Mom in the car. So Mom got an ear full about the sperm plans. Ugh.

J calls me at work to tell me the sperm plans. With my mom in the car. Ugh again.

The urologist wants J to do a repeat semen analysis. He's been on the Clo and some other vitamins- CoQ10 and ConceptionXR since September. He responded well to the Clo before so we're hoping it has helped now. He wants him to go see what's goin on with the boys and possibly freeze some sperm as a back up for IVF. The back up will allow us to not have to do any kind of surgical removal on the day of egg retrieval. (Do you hear J cheering in the background about that??) If the sample is good- they freeze. If not- then we'll have the urologist on stand by for egg retrieval day. So then after that- J will go the day before egg retrieval and give a sample and then also potentially the day of. It's a good plan.

So back to the awkward part. J says (still on speaker phone, still with my mom) that he should call them now and he'll just go over to the office and do the sample now. (Um, hi- are you just going to leave my MOM in the waiting room?). I then have to remind him that it's been far too long since he's ::clears throat:: cleared the pipes to provide a sample. While my Mom listened. Awesome.

So much for not telling anyone, huh? Repeat S/A is 1/23.

WTF Update

He said that he was really happy that we made it to fertilization. He said it looked good for three days and then it arrested.  He did say that there was even a chance for people who have good egg and good sperm that the same thing happens to the embryo. So that being said- there is always a chance that things will work the next time. He thinks that traditional IVF is kind of useless for us since he's almost positive that there would be extra eggs that wouldn't be able to be fertilized. He thinks we should try Natural Cycle two more times before moving on. We are going to talk to the Urologist again about using Clomid again to try to improve count. J has an appointment next week on the 18th. 

We did talk about Donor Sperm. Last night before the appointment, J basically told me that it's his brother or nothing and he's not sure what he thinks about adoption. I spent the whole night (not really even an exaggeration) crying- I feel like he's really limiting our options and it's just really sad. So we talked about using his brother's sperm- they will use a known donor, but there would have to be psychological testing, legal paperwork, and then a 6 month waiting period to use the sperm. He did say we could do a split cycle- and use the donor as a back up. If we did that- we would do traditional IVF. 

So no idea what we're going to do. I expect to get my period maybe this weekend? If John goes to the Uro and he says yes- try the Clo and see what happens- that will be at least 60 days. So puts us to December? We're traveling in November so the timing would be sketchy for that. If he says no to the Clo- then we'll cycle again this coming month. 

If we have to move to donor sperm- we may be at an impass. Here is where the question comes in. I just don't know if I can use his brother's sperm. I mean there is the ick factor and the general creepiness of it, but aside from that- there are SO many reasons I can think of why this isn't a good idea. So blogging friends in the universe- riddle me this- What if it were your only shot at being a parent? Would that change your opinion? Would you explain it to the child (when appropriate)? How would you explain it? Would you tell the rest of your family? 

Egg Retrieval Complete

Ohhhh...what a day it's been. And it's only 2pm. Ugh.

So there is good news. They got the egg. They told us there was a 10-15% chance that the follicle would be empty. So yeah for an egg.

And there's also bad news. They found 6 sperm, but none of them were moving. Which doesn't mean they are dead- but they just aren't really of good quality. They said there is still a chance that the egg could fertilize correctly, but this would decrease our chances of this cycle working by at least 50%.

I cried through the egg retrieval. I'm just sad and feeling so hopeless. The doctor said we should think about using donor sperm. I'm not prepared for that at all. At least not today.

I should get a call tomorrow to see if the egg was able to be fertilized.

One Last Update...

Melissa's comment reminded me...

J had his first SA since his surgery (almost a year now) last Thursday. I told myself that I didn't need to care about the results. We still have lots of time to get him back to the Uro and back on whatever drugs he needs to be on so that we can move forward. I haven't been anxiously waiting for the results like I usually do.

So I got the results today. No sperm to freeze. She said there were live sperm in the sample, but nothing worth freezing. I hate this shit.

Now I just have to figure out how to tell my husband.

Still Bleh

Yesterday was crap. JC and I ended up arguing about all kinds of stupid crap. We went to bed not speaking to each other. And that's when the crying started. Not him, me. We ended up resolving things between us, but it lead us to a conversation about CD 1. Of course I was upset about it. Logically speaking- I shouldn't be. I know the odds are not in our favor to get pregnant without assistance. I know that it would pretty much be a medical miracle. I guess it's just a reminder of that each month. It just reminds me of the uncertainty of going through IVF and what happens if it doesn't work. It makes me nervous that JC and I will have to face not being able to have kids. I'm not sure what that means for us. I'm not sure if it means the same thing for him as it does for me. And I'm not sure what we would do about resolving those differences. That's a lot of uncertainty. And I'm a worry wart as it is. So that is never good.

I hate MFI. I wish that there was something wrong with me. I feel even more guilty for being upset about our infertility struggles because I think it makes JC feel terrible to see me upset. And I wish I could not be upset about it, but some days it just gets to me. Stupid Fvcking IF. I hate you. Bleh.

Ok. I feel better now. :)

Can I keep this up?

I've been waiting (impatiently, of course) to get the results of JC's blood work back from the new Hero/Urologist. I left his office last week feeling hopeful that we had at least found an explanation for the MFI and potential treatment for JC. I was hopeful that he could start taking these drugs and that regardless of having to wait for however long- that he would start feeling better. I left that office with hope.

JC's blood work shows that he's normal. Other than the Low T, everything else is normal. So Hero/Urologist theory = FAIL. Hope = FAIL.

How do I keep this up? I mean holy shiz- how many times can this happen? Get hope, get crushed. I'm ready to be done with this.

Hurry up and.........Wait.

I was so nervous about going to this doctor. I had already gone to the place in my head where he told me that we'd never have children. JC calls that "snowballing". I do it quite often.

So Dr. Ratner (my new hero and new Urologist) reviewed all our records, gave JC a quick once over, and asked some questions. And then he explained what he is 98% certain is the reason behind our problems. An enzyme called Aromatase. Dr. Ratner explained that men produce both testosterone and estrogen. They are usually in a ratio where the T is much higher than the E. In men that are overweight (like my JC) there is an over abundance of this enzyme called Aromatase that changes T into E and shrinks the ratio. Best thing is that there is a drug that can block the production of this enzyme and return the ratio to normal. The.Best.News.Ever. In combination with that- JC is going on Clomid to stimulate the production of FSH. This will help get his testicles working overdrive to make up for lost time (kinda...).

So we test drive this cocktail for a month and then repeat blood work. If the T #'s are up significantly- then we do another 3 months and repeat the SA to see if the increased T has helped our SA numbers.

Good Things About This Plan:
1. These drugs will help JC feel better without impacting our TTC plans. Yeah!
2. Worst case scenario- we know we can have IVF with ICSI.
3. This plan *could* increase his count enough for us to try IUI! HOLY CRAPOLA!
4. The test drive period lets us get everything with the house squared away and the last of our bills paid off in the mean time.

So if you've made it this far- you deserve a cookie.

Needless to say- great appointment for strange reasons. Now I hurry up and wait.

:::Dancing Around:::

We are good to go for ICSI!! SO happy right now. What a huge relief! JC will be very happy. I think he was a tad bit worried about the word "biopsy" being thrown into the ring. The nurse said that all his genetic testing came back normal, his testosterone level was a bit higher than the first test (yeah!) and there were enough sperm to use for ICSI. PHEW!

She sent everything to the urologist for our consult on 9/17 so we're ready to go.

Now we can enjoy vacation. STAY AWAY EARL!

SA #2 v2.0

So JC dropped off the goods yesterday. I guess things work out just fine as long as he's not in the doctor's office. And now we wait for results. I'm hopeful that we'll be ok for ICSI. I can't even imagine JC's reaction if there has to be some kind of biopsy involved. I think he would freak out. So cross you fingers phantom blog readers (and my *2* followers! Hi Followers!!). I need some good numbers on this one.