Yeah. Starting Again.

Can't you sense the excitement? I have been neglecting the blog. But it's just cause I've been doing nothing. Well not nothing- I turned 35. We hit the three year mark of trying to have a baby. A good friend who just got married in October is having a baby. Yeah. 

We're starting IVF again. I did my first injection this morning. My heart isn't in it this time. I guess I just have so little hope that it will really work that I just can't get into it. I can't seem to care about this. I go for monitoring on Tuesday. I'm just hoping that if I can see that there's been some growth, then maybe I'll get into it. Maybe? 

We've registered for an adoption seminar in mid-May. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that yet either. 

I'm left with sad thoughts of what happens if J and I end up alone. We would have a great life- I'm sure we would. I just don't want to always be sad about this- always feel like something is missing, wish we had tried again just one more time. I guess being in the middle of all of this still leaves all these feelings unresolved. And that part sucks. 

Holiday Blues

I haven't been blogging so much. I just have no real news lately. I'm just dieting and working. I'm technically under the BMI limit for IVF, so I've got that down and my full intention is to keep dropping lbs until January rolls around.

I can't get Christmasy. My decorations are up. My tree is bright. I haven't bought a thing. I have no desire to shop. I hate this time of year. Everyone making cards with family pictures, putting up their Elf on a Shelf, talking about Santa. And for the third year in a row, I wonder if this will be our last year without a baby. It's only the 6th and I'm already ready for it to be next year. BLAH. Just let it end quickly.

WTF Update

He said that he was really happy that we made it to fertilization. He said it looked good for three days and then it arrested.  He did say that there was even a chance for people who have good egg and good sperm that the same thing happens to the embryo. So that being said- there is always a chance that things will work the next time. He thinks that traditional IVF is kind of useless for us since he's almost positive that there would be extra eggs that wouldn't be able to be fertilized. He thinks we should try Natural Cycle two more times before moving on. We are going to talk to the Urologist again about using Clomid again to try to improve count. J has an appointment next week on the 18th. 

We did talk about Donor Sperm. Last night before the appointment, J basically told me that it's his brother or nothing and he's not sure what he thinks about adoption. I spent the whole night (not really even an exaggeration) crying- I feel like he's really limiting our options and it's just really sad. So we talked about using his brother's sperm- they will use a known donor, but there would have to be psychological testing, legal paperwork, and then a 6 month waiting period to use the sperm. He did say we could do a split cycle- and use the donor as a back up. If we did that- we would do traditional IVF. 

So no idea what we're going to do. I expect to get my period maybe this weekend? If John goes to the Uro and he says yes- try the Clo and see what happens- that will be at least 60 days. So puts us to December? We're traveling in November so the timing would be sketchy for that. If he says no to the Clo- then we'll cycle again this coming month. 

If we have to move to donor sperm- we may be at an impass. Here is where the question comes in. I just don't know if I can use his brother's sperm. I mean there is the ick factor and the general creepiness of it, but aside from that- there are SO many reasons I can think of why this isn't a good idea. So blogging friends in the universe- riddle me this- What if it were your only shot at being a parent? Would that change your opinion? Would you explain it to the child (when appropriate)? How would you explain it? Would you tell the rest of your family? 

Fake Parent

Today I was a fake parent. J and I took my 7 year old niece and 3 year old nephew to an amusement park for the day. J's company reserves the park for employee appreciation each year so we took the kids.

So my nephew is enjoying the rides and waving at me. I'm taking pictures to send to my brother in law. And a lady next to me says "Your son looks just like your husband!" Ugh. And then I had to correct her and tell her it was my nephew.

And that happened on every.single.freakin.ride. Shoot me in the face. It was just a little fresh to keep hearing that over and over again. Of course all it made me think about what was if this is it for me? What if I'm just an Aunt?

I'm just not sure that Fake Parenting will be enough for me.

No Transfer

When my phone rang and I saw that it was from the doctor's office, I knew what they were calling to tell me. Transfer today has been cancelled. The embryo isn't growing as they expect it to. He said they want to watch it for one more day, but they don't anticipate that there will be any transfer. 

I don't know what to do now. I'm not sure how much more of this I can do. I feel sad and angry at the same time. Why does this have to be so hard? Why us? 

For fucks sake WHY CAN ONE THING WORK OUT. 

Long Overdue Update

Lots to update about...

1. J and I made nice after the sperm donor incident. We had to have a long talk about him drinking and his feelings about all of this. I had to explain what I needed from him in terms of support. I think it was most likely a long overdue conversation. And luckily- we landed on our feet and I feel stronger moving forward. We did end up having a talk about using a donor if it came to that. I think it is going to be something we agree to disagree about. J says the only way he would be comfortable with using a donor would be if it was someone in his family. I say the only way I'd be comfortable would be with someone anonymous. So that's the end of that. Donor sperm won't be an option for us. And that's ok.

2. I totally came out of the closet about our infertility during National Infertility Awareness Week. I did it without thinking and had a HUGE panic attack about it. Like I almost deleted my Facebook page cause I was so freaked out about it. I guess it's fine, but holy crap what was I thinking?!? I hope it doesn't bite me in the ass. It's going to be fine, right?

3. I'm three weeks deep in therapy. I think it's helping. I feel like I recognize that the issues I'm having are not related to infertility, but really issues I've had all along, but are just exaggerated by the infertility stuff. And really- the fact that I can recognize them and the fact that the infertility isn't my main issue kind of makes me feel more normal. Kind of. ha ha. My insurance pays for 20 sessions. So I'll go the 20 and see what happens after that.

4. We've decided to explore Natural Cycle IVF. I have no ovulatory dysfunction, so in theory- if we could get past the issues of sperm count- there isn't any reason I shouldn't be able to get pregnant. With the cost savings, it will help take some of the pressure off of IVF. Right now we can only afford one chance. Even if we did shared risk with our current clinic- with the cost of the drugs- we just can't afford to cycle more than once. Natural Cycle IVF is about a quarter of the cost of traditional IVF so if we did that- we could have several cycles of opportunity before we would reach our financial limit. I still have a lot of questions, but we're going to go for a consult sometime in May and just see what happens. J is irrationally hopeful about this option. I'm being more realistic (read: not hopeful). But we'll see.

So lots going on recently. And I'm feeling good. It's almost MAY. Whaaaaaaaat?!? Three more cycles and we'll be trying to have a baby. Yikes.

Shit My Husband Said

J and I had dinner with his brother and his brother's wife Saturday night. It was quite possibly one of the most embarrassing nights of my life.

Let me preface this with a little story... A little while back- J and I had a TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL conversation about donor sperm. I asked him how he would feel about using a donor if we had to go in that direction. Without even 5 SECONDS of thought- he said to me "Easy- I'll ask my brother."  :::blank stare::: Um, no thank you. I understand his reasoning- then our child would still have his family's gene's. But HOLY FREAKIN CREEPY. I told him that would really be something I'm not sure I could do. I just wasn't sure I would ever be able to get beyond the fact that it would be his brother's baby.  Obviously- being that the conversation was TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL- it was my first gut reaction.

So now you may realize where I'm going with this. So J decided after a little over a bottle of wine, that he should ask his brother (and his brother's wife, mind you) to be a donor for us. Without consulting me. While he was drunk. Over dinner. Enter the most awkward moment ever. J asking for sperm, my brother in law and his wife now making the :::blank stare::: face. I tried my hardest not to cry (I'm a little sensitive these days, I guess) and just tried to change the subject. Until he proceeded to tell them that we'd already talked about it and that I thought it was creepy.

Mortified doesn't even really come close to describing how I felt. Or how I still feel. I woke up the next morning to an email from my brother in law agreeing to donate sperm to us. Ugh. Unreal. I told J that I was upset and he laughed it off. We spent Sunday barely speaking. Today was much of the same. Tonight I finally had to tell him how upset I was. He told me he was sorry and then while I lay in bed crying, he rolled over and went to sleep.

Maybe it's just because I'm in kind of a bad place right now, but I have never felt so abandoned by him as I did tonight. Or discounted. Like my feelings didn't matter to him at all. And it's the saddest thing ever. I feel like I'm so fragile right now. And had you asked me last week, I would have told you that he was the only thing able to hold me together. This week? Can I say the same thing? I'm just not quite sure.

Therapy

I went to therapy yesterday. I guess it was good?? I have no frame of reference for what makes it good or not good. I guess I can't really tell after just one visit. I'm not entirely sure that I will click with this woman, but again- one visit is hard to make a judgement about. So for now I'll keep going.

I guess I didn't really think about what it was that I was looking for from the whole experience. Just to vent? Advice? No idea. I don't think it was just venting. I do that a lot and I feel like I talk about things on my own. So that may be part of the issue. Not quite sure what to expect from the whole experience.

I figure it can't hurt, though.

Admitting Defeat?

Maybe it's just being proactive? Yes. Let's call it that.

Did a lot of thinking this weekend. And well I had yet another melt down. I had full intentions of attending the 3rd birthday party of a friend of mine from college's son. And I just couldn't make myself go. I had a panic attack about 30 minutes before we were supposed to leave and ended up crying in my bed. J seriously has no idea what to do with me when this happens. And I think it's really starting to freak him out too. On top of that- I think my most recent string of unhappiness comes from more than just all this infertility business.

I'm pretty unhappy with my weight lately. My eating habits have gone right into the shitter. So that is the first change. I need to get moving and I need to start changing the way I eat. Pronto. I've been making 1000 excuses in my head about why I haven't started doing this, but now there is no excuse anymore. I need to get my act together.

I've decided to try therapy. My anxiety is getting worse and worse. And I'm MONTHS away from treatment. I think that rather than let myself spiral away, that I should try to be a bit proactive and learn to manage things as we go. I'm going to call two people from my insurance website and see where I get with that. Ugh.

2 Years Deep

And nothing to show for it. ::sigh::

About a year ago I made THIS post. And here I am another year in and still in the same place. Nothing to show for it. My level of anxiety about the future of our family (or lack there of???) is on the rise. I'm terrified of IVF and what will happen if it doesn't work. I'm terrified of all the decisions we'll have to make. I'm afraid of having testing done after what they found the last time. It's all so overwhelming. And even though we're months away from actually starting- the time will go quickly and then I'll have to face it. I'll have to face the possibility of things not going well.

I never thought I would have gone through all of this. You know when you go up the big hill on a roller coaster and you can hear that click click click all the way up the hill? I hate that part. And it seems like it takes so long to get up that hill for such a short ride. That is what this feels like- the hill is HUGE and the ride to the top is so long. It's been a whole year of click click click all the way up to the top. What happens when I get to the top? Will I like the ride? Will it make me sick? And then how does it end?

Too many questions. So much unknown. It's terrifying. But I have no choice, right?

Where I've Been

Well working, really. Work is 110% insanity right now. I hate my work life THE MOST. I day dream of pushing my manager off the roof or hanging myself by the blind cords daily. Ok- that may sound a little extreme, but I certainly threaten.

So I've been working. And I've been sad. Time marches on and I get more and more sad. I'm pretty good at faking that I'm fine. But I'm not sure that I am. I'm sad every time I think about this situation that I'm in. I'm sad thinking about what happens to us if IVF doesn't work. I'm sad when I find out that people are having baby #2 already. I can feel myself growing resentful of my own sister when I watch her with her own children. I judge her every parenting move and all I can think of is why her and not me?

In the Infertile world- the word bitter is a dangerous term. You don't call someone bitter. But what about calling yourself bitter? Cause I think I'm headed there. It's becoming pretty challenging for me not to want to drown myself in a giant tank of self pitty. I'm feeling increasingly fucked over by the universe each day. Faking it is exhausting. I'm fine! I'm happy about your pregnancy! I don't think it's bad if you tell your son that his father is a dick! It's great!

So that's kind of where I've been. I'm trying not to drag my blog down the drain with me. Every time I think I should post- it's about something depressing.

What would have been....

So today would have been my estimated egg retrival had we gone through IVF. ::le sigh::

Emotionally I've been doing ok. And then I figured out that it would have been today and I got a little sad. In my head, I know that waiting a year isn't a deal breaker. But in my heart it feels like there is just no end in sight to all of this.

The hardest part is that I'm afraid I will spend the next year watching everyone else move forward and I'll still be left behind. Still with no baby.

I just don't want to spend the next year sad. It will just be too much.

In a Funk.

People keep asking me how I'm doing. My answer- Just ok. That's about as good as it gets right now. Just ok. This week has really sucked and I'm in the middle of a week long pity party.
In my head, I know things will be alright. I know I won't die from thyroid cancer. But in my heart- I feel like the universe had royally fucked me over one time too many. One bad thing, I can understand. But really- why do I get what feels like *NOTHING* but bad things in my life? Infertility is so hard to deal with. I really had just come to terms with having to go through IVF and all of the really difficult issues that come along with that. One week before going on birth control and I find out I have cancer. CANCER. WTF? Seriously. My life is sucking right now.
SO what do you do when your life is sucking? You cry. A lot. During the day, I'm ok. I guess I'm just distracted by work. But at night- I'm a hot mess. My poor husband and I have been up late every night cause I can't hold my shit together. I've had this post saved for a while now. I've even thought about deleting it. But I decided to post it because I decided that I'm ALLOWED to not have my shit together for a little while. It won't be for the rest of eternity.
So whatever. I'm still just ok, but a little better than before.