Here we go again.

CD 1.

J goes to the Urologist on Tuesday. If he says no to the Clo- we're cycling again. If he says yes- we wait. Again. Either way I'll go for baseline just in case. Blahhhh. Stupid roller coaster is out of the station.

No Transfer

When my phone rang and I saw that it was from the doctor's office, I knew what they were calling to tell me. Transfer today has been cancelled. The embryo isn't growing as they expect it to. He said they want to watch it for one more day, but they don't anticipate that there will be any transfer. 

I don't know what to do now. I'm not sure how much more of this I can do. I feel sad and angry at the same time. Why does this have to be so hard? Why us? 

For fucks sake WHY CAN ONE THING WORK OUT. 

The Significance of Tomorrow

Tomorrow is September 7th. Tomorrow will be the day that we transfer our embryo. Tomorrow will be our first real shot at having a baby. And that alone is is pretty significant. I'm not delusional. I know that we still have a long road ahead with my little embryo that could. But just to make it to transfer tomorrow is in itself, great progress.

Tomorrow also has other significance. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day that I lost my father. Tomorrow marks 18 years that I have been without my father. Now that I'm getting ready to try to make my husband a father, I miss him more than ever. He would have been such an amazing grandfather. My sister's son, who shares his name, would have learned how to play golf already. And it would have been great to watch.

Usually September 7th is a sad day for me, even 18 years later. I remember the day of my Dad's accident all day long and just hope that it ends quickly. I speak with my mom and I can hear the sadness and loss in her voice. But this year, I'm hoping to turn the tides. I'm hoping that we can change September 7th into a better day with better memories.

So Dad- if you're listening- Help me make you a grandchild tomorrow, would ya? I love you and I miss you every day.

Zero

Is the number of updates I'll get on how my little Playboy Bunny Folliea is doing before transfer on Friday. Gah! Better to let him/her grow in peace, but holy shiz a girl could use an update.

Transfer set for Friday at 11:45. Now what do I do with myself until then?? Ugh.

Update!

I got the call early this morning. The egg fertilized normally!! It's a miracle. A real, real miracle. The nurse said that it was excellent news and things are looking good. I am scheduled for transfer on Friday morning. I am affectionately naming my embryo Playboy Bunny Folliea.

I know that this doesn't mean we're out of the woods, but this is such great news. I keep thinking that my baby is growing in a lab about 20 miles from here. And I already love that baby.

On a side note- Progesterone suppositories are gross. Panty liners are my friend.

Egg Retrieval Complete

Ohhhh...what a day it's been. And it's only 2pm. Ugh.

So there is good news. They got the egg. They told us there was a 10-15% chance that the follicle would be empty. So yeah for an egg.

And there's also bad news. They found 6 sperm, but none of them were moving. Which doesn't mean they are dead- but they just aren't really of good quality. They said there is still a chance that the egg could fertilize correctly, but this would decrease our chances of this cycle working by at least 50%.

I cried through the egg retrieval. I'm just sad and feeling so hopeless. The doctor said we should think about using donor sperm. I'm not prepared for that at all. At least not today.

I should get a call tomorrow to see if the egg was able to be fertilized.

Trigger!

Late last night- 12:45am- this is what was going on in my house.

<------First we drew up meds. On the left is the Novarel (hCG) or Trigger. On the right is the special sauce (my husband's name for it) that you mix with it. You can see our sheet of instructions in the background. Never have I ever mixed meds before so I think we were both a little nervous.

And then we broke out the needle. Whoa. That sucker was big. I'm very used to injections- I get one once a week for arthritis meds, but those are teeny tiny sub-q needles. This was a big fat intramuscular needle. Ouch. ----------->

<-----And there is my J with my trigger all ready to put that bad boy right in my butt. Ha ha ha. Well for real, though- it did go kind of in my butt- more like the lower hip/upper butt area. He did a great job. It didn't hurt hardly at all. We were right on time at 12:45.

I went in this morning to see if things were working out as they should and Dr. P (partner of Dr. G) who will do my retrieval this weekend says my follie is big and perfect. Everything is looking exactly as it should.

PHEW.

So tomorrow we go in at 9am. J will give his sample prior to retrieval to check for good sperm. If we're all clear there (please please please please) then retrieval will be at 10:45.

Somehow this all feels like the very first cycle. Like this is our first REAL chance at having a baby.

Zero to Sixty

That is how my life goes. Feast or Famine. All or nothing. Go big or go home. And 1000 other similar cliches. But alas....

Friday was a big day for me. My last day at work. It was awkward and sad and a huge relief. I'm glad to have it behind me and move forward.

I went for monitoring Friday morning and my lovely little follie was ready for trigger! I got the call Friday afternoon that I would trigger 12:45am. Egg retrieval is scheduled for Sunday September 2nd at 10:45am. EEEEEeeeeep!! Squeee! So then I started to panic. I've been so distracted by everything work related, that I'm not quite sure it had sunk in that we were *REALLY* going to do this.

I left work, got home, and promptly had a huge ridiculous melt down complete with ugly cry. Part of it was just how everything had been building up over the last two weeks, and part of it was that I have no control over this process now that we're this far in. All I can do is follow the directions of my doctor. And the control freak in my HATES that. All in all, I think I needed a good cry.

Drugs are here!

Here is my tiny drug stash! Compared to the giant pile-o-drugs with traditional IVF, this looks like nothin.

I go back tomorrow for more dildo cam. Hopefully we are close to trigger. 

The No Update Update

Since Saturday- I've been for monitoring twice- Monday and today. Things are slow growing. So far I have two measurable follicles on the right- both at about 14mm. But that's about it. I go back again on Friday.

A little discouraging, but I have to remember that when I was charting (like 2 years ago?!? WTF?) I usually would ovulate around day 15. And today is day 11. So I still have a few days to go. Hopefully there is some growth on Friday.

On a good note- meds are scheduled to arrive tomorrow. PHEW.

Monitoring Begins

Happy Saturday!!!

Wanna see how I started my weekend?

The fabulous trans-vaginal ultrasound probe. Affectionately referred to by us gals in the infertility world as the DILDO CAM. Monitoring began this morning! Another thing I like about my new RE- Docs to the ultrasounds. Kind of nice, huh? Always gives you the chance to ask questions and just feels a whole lot more personal than just seeing a nurse.

So Dr. G took a look and says his prediction is that our rockstar will be on the right side. Today I had one lead follicle on the right at 13mm. And today is cycle day 7. So based on the blood work, I'll go back again Monday morning. My meds were ordered, but I haven't heard anything about when they may be delivered, so I'll have to ask them about that on Monday.

In other news- I quit my job last Monday. It was not fun. They were not happy. It made for a very miserable week. I just have to power through this week. I'm hoping to be distracted by the monitoring. Ironic, huh? I would have thought that work would have distracted me from IVF, but my life always seems upside down and backwards anyway.

Baseline

Baseline was today- ultrasound and blood work. Done and done!

Meds are ordered.

Everything came back normal- monitoring starts on Saturday!

And we're off!!

CD 1!  Wahoo!!

Two and a half years in the making and we are FINALLY moving forward. FINALLY. Holy Crap I thought this would never happen.

Tomorrow I'm going for baseline. We'll order all my meds- trigger shot and progesterone suppositories- and I'll turn in all our consent forms. J has his blood work done tomorrow. We'll start monitoring next week. Wahoo! Wahoo!

I'm also putting in notice at my current job tomorrow. I'm having some serious anxiety about it. I don't quite have a start date for the new job, but J and I decided that this way we can avoid me starting my new job during the week of egg retrieval. So I'll have the week of Labor Day off. I work for such a small place- they are going to be super pissed about me leaving and take it very personally. I know I'm doing what is best for me- it's just going to be a verrrry long two weeks.

Either way- I'm on to better things. And that is what matters.

I'm feeling hopeful for the first time in a while. I've been feeling this way for a while. And I like how it feels. When I told J that I got my period, he was so excited. He spent the morning talking about how he thinks we should tell his parents that we're having a baby. It was so good to see him talking like that. Talking like this may happen. Talking like he'll be a dad one day. It makes my heart happy.

So stay tuned kids. The crazy train has left the station!

Approved!

I got the call this past Friday that IVF was approved by the insurance company. Our last hurdle before starting the cycle. The only catch is that the insurance most likely won't cover the cost of assisted hatching. But we can manage that with no problem. PHEW. We're done. Now we just wait! Should be about 2 weeks till go time!!

Mock Transfer

My fake embryo was transferred today. YEAH!!

I went back to the RE today. We did our mock transfer- essentially they go through the same process as the real embryo transfer just without the embryo. It was easy peasy. It was less than having a pap smear. I also had an ultrasound. My ovaries look good- AFC was at 12. So good to go there as well. He also said my day 3 blood work all was fine.

The only other suggestion was that he wants us to do assisted hatching with the cycle. And we're on board with that. So now we reallllly just have to wait. I expect AF in about 20-ish days. And then the crazy train begins!

Maybe the Tides Have Turned??

I had two whole long miserable years of nothing but bad news. One thing after the next- it was all bad news all the time.

And since the beginning of the summer, we've been riding the wave of constant good news. I almost don't want to talk about it because I've spent a lot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't have this much good news. It's like a totally foreign concept.

My list of goodness
1. J got a new job- and we got amazing IF coverage. Total game changer.
2. We really liked the new RE and decided to move forward with Natural Cycle IVF.
3. I was formally cleared by the Endocrinologist and was told there is absolutely no recurrence of my thyroid cancer.

And now #4- #4 is a good one. I got a new job! FINALLY! After seven full months of working in a call center- I got a new job. Oddly enough- I'm going back to work with the client that I worked with for 5 years before I was married. The contract is with a different company, but same idea and lots of the same people that I'll be working with. I got a raise, half the commute that I'm doing now, and a waaaay better work schedule. Amazing. It will change my life for the better in so many ways. Right now I get home around 7:15pm. J has to cook dinner every night or we would eat too late. And I have no time to do anything at night. And all that will vanish with this new job! It's very close to J's work (like 2 miles) so we can even carpool to work some days. I can go in early at like 6:30-7:00 and be home early too. AH-MAZ-ING. I don't have a start date quite yet- I'm just waiting for my security clearance to cross over and then I'll give my notice. I'm mentally preparing for that. Quitting when you work for a small company is not fun. They get super pissed off. But whatevs.

5. There are two houses in our neighborhood that are selling for what we would need to sell our house for to break even. That means we should be able to sell this house in the spring and peace outta here! We have only a very general idea of where we want to live so right now- the plan is to move in with my Mom (eeep!) for as long as we can tolerate- hopefully about a year- to save money and figure out where we really want to live. That could be a verrrrrrrrrry long year.

Do you believe in trends? Could this possibly continue? If it does- I really just need one more good thing. That's all I need. Please?

And we're off!

Sunday was CD 1!! Here we go kids!

Tomorrow I go for Day 3 blood work. Next Monday I'l go for ultrasound and mock transfer. We'll sign consent forms and get insurance approval next week. And then we'll be all ready for next cycle.

I'm in denial that this is really happening. I am so excited and nervous all at once.

Natural Cycle IVF Consult

Hi Melissa!! Miss you friend. Thanks for checking on me. <3

SO! Big news here kids. Big. This blog's about to get busy again. Cause we're going to try to make a baby. Like for realz. Whaaaaaaaat?!?!

So last Friday we went to see the new RE- Dr. G. Dr. G's group specializes in Natural Cycle IVF. Essentially (in theory..) the only issue that we have is getting sperm to meet egg- not enough sperm to survive  the trip to the egg. Natural Cycle IVF is the same process as traditional IVF, but with no stimulation drugs. There is only one shot- a trigger- that allows you to time ovulation for the egg retrieval. You go in for daily blood work and ultrasounds starting on cycle day 10 to monitor your own ovulation. Once you are close to ovulation, you trigger and then 36 hours later the egg is retrieved. It will then be fertilized using ICSI. The clinic only does 5 day transfers- because they try to make sure that the embryos go to blast.

I was so nervous about the sperm issues. But the doctor was SO laid back. And I instantly felt the pressure go away. He said we would check for sperm before egg retrieval and if there were no good sperm- we just try again next month. All I've been through is some ultrasounds and one shot. Not a huge investment like traditional IVF. They said if we don't make it to retrieval- either no sperm or we miss the window- it won't count against insurance as a full cycle. J and I decided to try this for two cycles with insurance. If it doesn't work in two cycles, we'll try stimulated IVF.

And the other news- no repeat HSG! Yahoo!! And what does that mean??

BRING IT ON. I get my period and it's on! Baby Makin City!!

Wahooooo!!

I'm alive. I swear.

I haven't been in such a blogging mood lately. But it's been a total shit day.

Here's the latest scoop.

1. J went back to the Urologist. Since his last SA was total crap- like worse than it's ever been- I figured that his blood work would show that his testosterone levels were in the shitter and they would simply put him back on Clomid and Arimidex and we would go on our merry way. Except now- his testosterone levels are normal. Whaaaaaaaat? So now there is no explanation for the low count and no reason to put him back on the drugs since they were really aiming to raise his testosterone levels. It's overwhelmingly frustrating to not have anything that we can do to help ourselves. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of cross your fingers and hope for the best. The urologist suggests that he give a sample the day before and the day of the egg retrieval. If there aren't enough sperm, they would have to go in surgically.

2. Our consult with the new RE has been rescheduled 4 times now. The RE's mother was terminally ill and so I can't fault him- just adds to the frustration level. So for now it's scheduled for June 29th. God help me if that date changes. I will cut a bitch.

3. I've been emailing with my endocrinologist. He plays quite the crucial role in all this. He has the power to give the go ahead. The IVF Green Light. My testing for him is scheduled for the week of July 4th. Right after that would be the exact right time for me to have an HSG done. Except tonight he told me that the first follow up he can do is July 23rd. And that pushes everything a whole other month. What's another month at this point? Well today another month feels like another year. I am DONE waiting. I have waited long enough. I am tired of waiting.

4. I hate my job. I especially hate it today, but with all these appointments coming up- it's going to mean that I'll need time off. And right now- it's damn near impossible to get time off. I'm caught in between two managers at work who just want to be in charge. So it's like a giant pissing contest. I don't want to tell the people in Maine about IVF. It's too many questions. I thought I'd be out of this BS call center job by now, but I'm still chained to my headset. I am applying to jobs, but mostly government and let's be for serious- they aren't really known for speed. So now tomorrow I have to go tell my heartless miserable human being of a manager that I need all kinds of time off so I can try to have a baby.

I think the part of all of this infertility crap that I hate the most is the roller coaster of it all. My last post was all happy and cheery. And now here I am, back to feeling hopeless and stressed. I just want this all to be over. One way or the other- I want to close this chapter of my life. It's become far far too long.

Good News From Me?? What What?

I haven't been updating...and well it's really been because it's just more of the same. Awkward family conversation about donor sperm? Check. Bad SA? Check Check.

Annnnnnnnd then today happened. And *POOF* Magically- somehow- I was having the best day ever.

Today two good things happened.

1. Dr. G- my hopefully new RE called me this morning. He called me to reschedule my appointment. He said his mother was dying and he needed to be with her. He called me himself. Not the staff. He called. And he was SO nice. I am irrationally hopeful about the new RE. And even though our consult got moved again- I feel like this might be the best choice for us.

2. J got a job offer today. From a company with the.most.amazing.insurance. Like EVER. Ok, maybe not- but it's pretty damn good. They cover 4 full IVF cycles at 100% and even provide grants towards adoption. It's like he just got a $20,000 bonus.

That changes everything for us. Everything. So many things are possible now. An overwhelming amount of pressure is off our shoulders. I am full of hope for the first time in so long. After two years of shit news, we EARNED this good news.

Today, I am hopeful. And that feels great.