This actually happened to me today.

The very last thing we had to do before completing all our pre-IVF work was contact the Urologist and find out what his plan was for J. We had some conflicting reports so we just wanted everything to be square for scheduling purposes. J has left a message for the Uro and was waiting for a call back.

Side note: J and I bought my Mom a sound bar for her TV for Christmas. We haven't been able to hook it up because we needed an extra cable.

So being the very nice son-in-law that he is- J went up to my Mom's today to install the sound bar. They were just leaving lunch- sitting in the car- when the doctor called. And J talked to him. On Bluetooth speaker phone. With my Mom in the car. So Mom got an ear full about the sperm plans. Ugh.

J calls me at work to tell me the sperm plans. With my mom in the car. Ugh again.

The urologist wants J to do a repeat semen analysis. He's been on the Clo and some other vitamins- CoQ10 and ConceptionXR since September. He responded well to the Clo before so we're hoping it has helped now. He wants him to go see what's goin on with the boys and possibly freeze some sperm as a back up for IVF. The back up will allow us to not have to do any kind of surgical removal on the day of egg retrieval. (Do you hear J cheering in the background about that??) If the sample is good- they freeze. If not- then we'll have the urologist on stand by for egg retrieval day. So then after that- J will go the day before egg retrieval and give a sample and then also potentially the day of. It's a good plan.

So back to the awkward part. J says (still on speaker phone, still with my mom) that he should call them now and he'll just go over to the office and do the sample now. (Um, hi- are you just going to leave my MOM in the waiting room?). I then have to remind him that it's been far too long since he's ::clears throat:: cleared the pipes to provide a sample. While my Mom listened. Awesome.

So much for not telling anyone, huh? Repeat S/A is 1/23.

More Progress

Just chugging along. No news is good news, for now. I really need to step up my exercise efforts. I feel like I've got a handle on the food now that I'm a few weeks in. I think I really need to get down another 10-15lbs to feel like I'm really in the safe zone. We leave to go on vacation on Saturday- a week in the Bahamas. Yessssssssss. I can't wait!

Today we celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary. I'm so lucky to have J as my husband. Despite everything we've been through, I can't imagine one day without him and I hope year number 4 is our best yet. 

WTF Update

He said that he was really happy that we made it to fertilization. He said it looked good for three days and then it arrested.  He did say that there was even a chance for people who have good egg and good sperm that the same thing happens to the embryo. So that being said- there is always a chance that things will work the next time. He thinks that traditional IVF is kind of useless for us since he's almost positive that there would be extra eggs that wouldn't be able to be fertilized. He thinks we should try Natural Cycle two more times before moving on. We are going to talk to the Urologist again about using Clomid again to try to improve count. J has an appointment next week on the 18th. 

We did talk about Donor Sperm. Last night before the appointment, J basically told me that it's his brother or nothing and he's not sure what he thinks about adoption. I spent the whole night (not really even an exaggeration) crying- I feel like he's really limiting our options and it's just really sad. So we talked about using his brother's sperm- they will use a known donor, but there would have to be psychological testing, legal paperwork, and then a 6 month waiting period to use the sperm. He did say we could do a split cycle- and use the donor as a back up. If we did that- we would do traditional IVF. 

So no idea what we're going to do. I expect to get my period maybe this weekend? If John goes to the Uro and he says yes- try the Clo and see what happens- that will be at least 60 days. So puts us to December? We're traveling in November so the timing would be sketchy for that. If he says no to the Clo- then we'll cycle again this coming month. 

If we have to move to donor sperm- we may be at an impass. Here is where the question comes in. I just don't know if I can use his brother's sperm. I mean there is the ick factor and the general creepiness of it, but aside from that- there are SO many reasons I can think of why this isn't a good idea. So blogging friends in the universe- riddle me this- What if it were your only shot at being a parent? Would that change your opinion? Would you explain it to the child (when appropriate)? How would you explain it? Would you tell the rest of your family? 

Trigger!

Late last night- 12:45am- this is what was going on in my house.

<------First we drew up meds. On the left is the Novarel (hCG) or Trigger. On the right is the special sauce (my husband's name for it) that you mix with it. You can see our sheet of instructions in the background. Never have I ever mixed meds before so I think we were both a little nervous.

And then we broke out the needle. Whoa. That sucker was big. I'm very used to injections- I get one once a week for arthritis meds, but those are teeny tiny sub-q needles. This was a big fat intramuscular needle. Ouch. ----------->

<-----And there is my J with my trigger all ready to put that bad boy right in my butt. Ha ha ha. Well for real, though- it did go kind of in my butt- more like the lower hip/upper butt area. He did a great job. It didn't hurt hardly at all. We were right on time at 12:45.

I went in this morning to see if things were working out as they should and Dr. P (partner of Dr. G) who will do my retrieval this weekend says my follie is big and perfect. Everything is looking exactly as it should.

PHEW.

So tomorrow we go in at 9am. J will give his sample prior to retrieval to check for good sperm. If we're all clear there (please please please please) then retrieval will be at 10:45.

Somehow this all feels like the very first cycle. Like this is our first REAL chance at having a baby.

And we're off!!

CD 1!  Wahoo!!

Two and a half years in the making and we are FINALLY moving forward. FINALLY. Holy Crap I thought this would never happen.

Tomorrow I'm going for baseline. We'll order all my meds- trigger shot and progesterone suppositories- and I'll turn in all our consent forms. J has his blood work done tomorrow. We'll start monitoring next week. Wahoo! Wahoo!

I'm also putting in notice at my current job tomorrow. I'm having some serious anxiety about it. I don't quite have a start date for the new job, but J and I decided that this way we can avoid me starting my new job during the week of egg retrieval. So I'll have the week of Labor Day off. I work for such a small place- they are going to be super pissed about me leaving and take it very personally. I know I'm doing what is best for me- it's just going to be a verrrry long two weeks.

Either way- I'm on to better things. And that is what matters.

I'm feeling hopeful for the first time in a while. I've been feeling this way for a while. And I like how it feels. When I told J that I got my period, he was so excited. He spent the morning talking about how he thinks we should tell his parents that we're having a baby. It was so good to see him talking like that. Talking like this may happen. Talking like he'll be a dad one day. It makes my heart happy.

So stay tuned kids. The crazy train has left the station!

Maybe the Tides Have Turned??

I had two whole long miserable years of nothing but bad news. One thing after the next- it was all bad news all the time.

And since the beginning of the summer, we've been riding the wave of constant good news. I almost don't want to talk about it because I've spent a lot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't have this much good news. It's like a totally foreign concept.

My list of goodness
1. J got a new job- and we got amazing IF coverage. Total game changer.
2. We really liked the new RE and decided to move forward with Natural Cycle IVF.
3. I was formally cleared by the Endocrinologist and was told there is absolutely no recurrence of my thyroid cancer.

And now #4- #4 is a good one. I got a new job! FINALLY! After seven full months of working in a call center- I got a new job. Oddly enough- I'm going back to work with the client that I worked with for 5 years before I was married. The contract is with a different company, but same idea and lots of the same people that I'll be working with. I got a raise, half the commute that I'm doing now, and a waaaay better work schedule. Amazing. It will change my life for the better in so many ways. Right now I get home around 7:15pm. J has to cook dinner every night or we would eat too late. And I have no time to do anything at night. And all that will vanish with this new job! It's very close to J's work (like 2 miles) so we can even carpool to work some days. I can go in early at like 6:30-7:00 and be home early too. AH-MAZ-ING. I don't have a start date quite yet- I'm just waiting for my security clearance to cross over and then I'll give my notice. I'm mentally preparing for that. Quitting when you work for a small company is not fun. They get super pissed off. But whatevs.

5. There are two houses in our neighborhood that are selling for what we would need to sell our house for to break even. That means we should be able to sell this house in the spring and peace outta here! We have only a very general idea of where we want to live so right now- the plan is to move in with my Mom (eeep!) for as long as we can tolerate- hopefully about a year- to save money and figure out where we really want to live. That could be a verrrrrrrrrry long year.

Do you believe in trends? Could this possibly continue? If it does- I really just need one more good thing. That's all I need. Please?

Good News From Me?? What What?

I haven't been updating...and well it's really been because it's just more of the same. Awkward family conversation about donor sperm? Check. Bad SA? Check Check.

Annnnnnnnd then today happened. And *POOF* Magically- somehow- I was having the best day ever.

Today two good things happened.

1. Dr. G- my hopefully new RE called me this morning. He called me to reschedule my appointment. He said his mother was dying and he needed to be with her. He called me himself. Not the staff. He called. And he was SO nice. I am irrationally hopeful about the new RE. And even though our consult got moved again- I feel like this might be the best choice for us.

2. J got a job offer today. From a company with the.most.amazing.insurance. Like EVER. Ok, maybe not- but it's pretty damn good. They cover 4 full IVF cycles at 100% and even provide grants towards adoption. It's like he just got a $20,000 bonus.

That changes everything for us. Everything. So many things are possible now. An overwhelming amount of pressure is off our shoulders. I am full of hope for the first time in so long. After two years of shit news, we EARNED this good news.

Today, I am hopeful. And that feels great.

One Last Update...

Melissa's comment reminded me...

J had his first SA since his surgery (almost a year now) last Thursday. I told myself that I didn't need to care about the results. We still have lots of time to get him back to the Uro and back on whatever drugs he needs to be on so that we can move forward. I haven't been anxiously waiting for the results like I usually do.

So I got the results today. No sperm to freeze. She said there were live sperm in the sample, but nothing worth freezing. I hate this shit.

Now I just have to figure out how to tell my husband.

Long Overdue Update

Lots to update about...

1. J and I made nice after the sperm donor incident. We had to have a long talk about him drinking and his feelings about all of this. I had to explain what I needed from him in terms of support. I think it was most likely a long overdue conversation. And luckily- we landed on our feet and I feel stronger moving forward. We did end up having a talk about using a donor if it came to that. I think it is going to be something we agree to disagree about. J says the only way he would be comfortable with using a donor would be if it was someone in his family. I say the only way I'd be comfortable would be with someone anonymous. So that's the end of that. Donor sperm won't be an option for us. And that's ok.

2. I totally came out of the closet about our infertility during National Infertility Awareness Week. I did it without thinking and had a HUGE panic attack about it. Like I almost deleted my Facebook page cause I was so freaked out about it. I guess it's fine, but holy crap what was I thinking?!? I hope it doesn't bite me in the ass. It's going to be fine, right?

3. I'm three weeks deep in therapy. I think it's helping. I feel like I recognize that the issues I'm having are not related to infertility, but really issues I've had all along, but are just exaggerated by the infertility stuff. And really- the fact that I can recognize them and the fact that the infertility isn't my main issue kind of makes me feel more normal. Kind of. ha ha. My insurance pays for 20 sessions. So I'll go the 20 and see what happens after that.

4. We've decided to explore Natural Cycle IVF. I have no ovulatory dysfunction, so in theory- if we could get past the issues of sperm count- there isn't any reason I shouldn't be able to get pregnant. With the cost savings, it will help take some of the pressure off of IVF. Right now we can only afford one chance. Even if we did shared risk with our current clinic- with the cost of the drugs- we just can't afford to cycle more than once. Natural Cycle IVF is about a quarter of the cost of traditional IVF so if we did that- we could have several cycles of opportunity before we would reach our financial limit. I still have a lot of questions, but we're going to go for a consult sometime in May and just see what happens. J is irrationally hopeful about this option. I'm being more realistic (read: not hopeful). But we'll see.

So lots going on recently. And I'm feeling good. It's almost MAY. Whaaaaaaaat?!? Three more cycles and we'll be trying to have a baby. Yikes.

Shit My Husband Said

J and I had dinner with his brother and his brother's wife Saturday night. It was quite possibly one of the most embarrassing nights of my life.

Let me preface this with a little story... A little while back- J and I had a TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL conversation about donor sperm. I asked him how he would feel about using a donor if we had to go in that direction. Without even 5 SECONDS of thought- he said to me "Easy- I'll ask my brother."  :::blank stare::: Um, no thank you. I understand his reasoning- then our child would still have his family's gene's. But HOLY FREAKIN CREEPY. I told him that would really be something I'm not sure I could do. I just wasn't sure I would ever be able to get beyond the fact that it would be his brother's baby.  Obviously- being that the conversation was TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL- it was my first gut reaction.

So now you may realize where I'm going with this. So J decided after a little over a bottle of wine, that he should ask his brother (and his brother's wife, mind you) to be a donor for us. Without consulting me. While he was drunk. Over dinner. Enter the most awkward moment ever. J asking for sperm, my brother in law and his wife now making the :::blank stare::: face. I tried my hardest not to cry (I'm a little sensitive these days, I guess) and just tried to change the subject. Until he proceeded to tell them that we'd already talked about it and that I thought it was creepy.

Mortified doesn't even really come close to describing how I felt. Or how I still feel. I woke up the next morning to an email from my brother in law agreeing to donate sperm to us. Ugh. Unreal. I told J that I was upset and he laughed it off. We spent Sunday barely speaking. Today was much of the same. Tonight I finally had to tell him how upset I was. He told me he was sorry and then while I lay in bed crying, he rolled over and went to sleep.

Maybe it's just because I'm in kind of a bad place right now, but I have never felt so abandoned by him as I did tonight. Or discounted. Like my feelings didn't matter to him at all. And it's the saddest thing ever. I feel like I'm so fragile right now. And had you asked me last week, I would have told you that he was the only thing able to hold me together. This week? Can I say the same thing? I'm just not quite sure.

Boston Recap

Had such a fun trip. I love traveling with my husband. He makes it so enjoyable. The only bad part about the trip was that it was cold. Ok- it was freezing. And we didn't pack for freezing. In my head- it was 65 and sunny. Except it was actually more like 45 degrees. We had a great time- we were tourists and rode segways. (My new favorite thing- seriously- they are so fun. You should try them.) Here is my I'm scared of the Segway picture:

But I got over it and it was super fun. We did a lot of eating- especially in the North End- Boston's Little Italy. The food was amazeballs. It's nice to spend time with J doing new fun things. I'm glad to be able to have these chances. 

Adoption Talk

This past weekend J brought up adoption. If you've read my posts lately, you'll see why this was like the worst timing ever. In the past, I would have been so happy to talk about this stuff with him. But my emotional tank is on a big fat E lately. I can't even imagine talking about adoption. That is like a whole world that I know nothing about.

Don't take this the wrong way- I was adopted myself and love the idea of adoption, but there is SO much I don't know about the process that I can't even think about starting to think about all that.

I also think that he wants to talk adoption because of my recent freak outs. I'm pretty sure he thinks that the next few months and then IVF will end with me in a padded room, crying and rocking. His solution? Let's adopt! For reals- I hate this shit.

I lied.

I said Maine wasn't so bad, but I lied. Holy Shiz. I am so bored and I miss my husband. GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! AHHHHHHHHhhhhh!!!

An Actual Christmas Conversation

A little back story: My sister, C, has two kids. I got diamonds for Christmas from J. (I know, he's kind of awesome)

I was on the phone with my sister today asking her about what her plans were for the day.

J was talking with my mom.

My mom: "C is jealous that you get Kathy diamonds for Christmas."

J: "Kathy would gladly trade everything in the universe for her two kids."

And THAT is why I married J.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Cooking Class

On our quest to get out and do some new and different activities- Friday night we went to a cooking class. We went to Cookology and it was "Southern Cuisine" night. We all wore chef hats and aprons. J's hat didn't fit which made for lots of good jokes.

I'm sad that my phone was dead and I didn't take any pictures. But we made breaded pork chops with an heirloom tomato gravy. They were served with some insanely rich garlic mashed potatoes and green beans. I have to admit that never have I ever had so much butter in one meal in my whole life. So good, but so bad for you. We topped it off with easy to make apple tarts. Those we plan on making at home. I was still full the next morning.

It's so nice to be able to spend time with J now. We have the time and ability to share each other's company and do these new things together and I'm loving that right now.

Date Night: A Review

Last week, I got asked out on a date. By my husband. It was pretty cute. He even told me I should dress up. I lurve him.

He took me to Bazins on Church. They had a tasting menu so we decided to do that- all three courses. I think I'm still full. We drank wine and ate our food. We talked about what was going on at work. J is job interviewing (he's always interviewing) and had been to two separate ones yesterday. We talked about his career goals. We talked about long term goals. We talked about how we want to plan for the future.

What we didn't talk about: Babies, IVF, Sperm, Cancer. It was GLORIOUS. I would be lying if I said that I'm not enjoying this break. I'm enjoying being a non-TTC married girl. I'm sure as I get closer to treatment, that will change. But for now, I'm basking in the status quo.

Idaho

JC left this morning for Idaho. His grandmother passed away and her funeral is Monday. It's a very odd situation. J has never spoken kindly of his grandmother- in fact no one in his family has. I've never met her and since I've known J- he's only seen her once. I think he's really going out because his mom needs help getting things squared away.

So I'm on my own. It's a double edged sword. It's nice cause without J here, I'm not confined to the guest room- I have the run of the house. But at the same time, there's not even anyone here to talk to anymore. True isolation.

Tomorrow will be better. At least I'll be working. Almost over.

Sometimes men SUCK.

If we ever get divorced, instead of "irreconcilable differences" it will be because of Play Station 3. Ever since we have acquired a PS3, DH has spent a *serious* quantity of time playing Fall Out Vegas. I seriously could shoot myself.

Meanwhile I've been cooking and cleaning and doing laundry. Others have offered to make dinner, but JC? Not even once. No help with laundry. No help with grocery shopping. Tonight I asked him if he had called the RE or the Uro to make appointments (ya know...try to follow up on the zero sperm issue) and did he do that? Um, nope. Seriously. PISSED.

I am his wife. Not his mother. I feel like I have to tell him he's not allowed to play with his toys until all the chores are done. And now I'm going to be in the hospital tomorrow and we're barely speaking.

STOP SUCKING HUSBAND.

New Insurance

Good News!
JC got a new job. So along with a raise (YEAH!) that means we'll get new insurance. I told him that this job offer is contingent on the insurance plan. When you have Cancer, you can't mess around with health insurance. It's got to be the real deal.

It's a small company and they told him they have the "Cadillac" of health plans. So I'm hoping that this means all my thyroid docs will be within the network and none of that will have to change. I refuse to leave my endo!

And maybe, just maybe...we'll get infertility coverage out of this. Does IVF fit in that Cadillac??

Back in Bed

JC was back in bed with me last night. He's been sleeping in a recliner since he arrived home from the hospital and I can't lie- I hate sleeping without him. He can only sleep on his back- so still kind of strange, but it's nice to not be sleeping alone anymore.