I'm done with the Roller Coaster

For real. I'm done. Up, Down, Up, Down...it's making me feel like I'm going to hurl.

Here's my latest news. This may be long, it's been a rough couple of days.

Thursday and Friday sent me back to the hospital for Thyroid testing. I was scheduled to have two injections of Thyrogen (synthetic thyroid hormone) one on Thursday and one on Friday. They are using Thyrogen to attempt to stimulate my thyroglobulin levels. Thyroglobulin is the marker in the blood work for cancer. Normally it is undetectable. So if you get Thyrogen, and your thyroglobulin levels rise- that is bad. If it stays undetectable, then we're in the clear. I was also set to have an ultrasound of my neck to look at my lymph nodes around my neck and my thyroid bed. 


Thursday:
Went and got my Thyrogen injection- no problem. Walked over to radiology for the ultrasound and my back starts hurting. Uh-oh. With my history of kidney stones I was getting nervous that I was having a stone. Remember this post?? The last time I had a stone was during my thyroid biopsy. How appropriate. Ugh. So they called me back and I'm waiting for the tech and the pain is getting worse and worse- and now I'm having trouble breathing through it. It's like someone is stabbing me in the back. Now I know it's a kidney stone and I know I have to get to the ER. Lucky for me that I'm at the hospital. Ha! To add to the frustration, my phone doesn't work in the hospital and it's about 1000 degrees outside. I'm sweating from the pain and have to go outside to try to get a hold of J. I head to the ER that is PACKED full of people. They are kind enough to get me back quickly and start an IV. Once the IV went in- the pain stopped. They did do a CT Scan to confirm it was a stone (which it was), but they said it was small and on it's way out. So they sent me home with pain meds and instructions to drink a lot. 


Friday:
Pretty sure I passed the stone early early Friday morning. No pain and no feeling it since then. Back to the hospital for Thyrogen shot #2 and rescheduled ultrasound. Got the shot- no big deal. Except Thyrogen makes you feel like dog shit. Glad to be done with it. I went back for the ultrasound and when the tech was finished she said to me "You have some nodes that need to be evaluated." WHAT? I have WHAT? That is pretty high on the list of things you DON'T EVER say to people who have had cancer. I proceed to cry the entire way home and by the time I got home, I'd convinced myself I had cancer again and I would never have a baby. Way to stay positive, Kathy! After crying and stewing about it for far too long, I decided to email my endocrinologist and just see if he could get the results any sooner. He emailed me back at 10:47 on a Friday night. He is amazing. Here is his email to me:

Your pre-thyrogen labs look great and the thyroglobulin is undetectable (just like we want it to be - this is the thyroid cancer marker).

I also have the sono result and the lymph nodes that are seen are benign appearing. We see stuff like this all the time. Nothing to lose sleep over.


He attached the ultrasound report and it says in the findings section: No sonographic evidence to suggest recurrence.NO RECURRENCE!!!
I wanted to make out with him. The relief was unreal. So at the end of the day- I am going to be fine. I don't have cancer anymore. Monday I go for follow up blood work from Thyrogen, but now I'm not worried about that. Phew. 

I'm alive. I swear.

I haven't been in such a blogging mood lately. But it's been a total shit day.

Here's the latest scoop.

1. J went back to the Urologist. Since his last SA was total crap- like worse than it's ever been- I figured that his blood work would show that his testosterone levels were in the shitter and they would simply put him back on Clomid and Arimidex and we would go on our merry way. Except now- his testosterone levels are normal. Whaaaaaaaat? So now there is no explanation for the low count and no reason to put him back on the drugs since they were really aiming to raise his testosterone levels. It's overwhelmingly frustrating to not have anything that we can do to help ourselves. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of cross your fingers and hope for the best. The urologist suggests that he give a sample the day before and the day of the egg retrieval. If there aren't enough sperm, they would have to go in surgically.

2. Our consult with the new RE has been rescheduled 4 times now. The RE's mother was terminally ill and so I can't fault him- just adds to the frustration level. So for now it's scheduled for June 29th. God help me if that date changes. I will cut a bitch.

3. I've been emailing with my endocrinologist. He plays quite the crucial role in all this. He has the power to give the go ahead. The IVF Green Light. My testing for him is scheduled for the week of July 4th. Right after that would be the exact right time for me to have an HSG done. Except tonight he told me that the first follow up he can do is July 23rd. And that pushes everything a whole other month. What's another month at this point? Well today another month feels like another year. I am DONE waiting. I have waited long enough. I am tired of waiting.

4. I hate my job. I especially hate it today, but with all these appointments coming up- it's going to mean that I'll need time off. And right now- it's damn near impossible to get time off. I'm caught in between two managers at work who just want to be in charge. So it's like a giant pissing contest. I don't want to tell the people in Maine about IVF. It's too many questions. I thought I'd be out of this BS call center job by now, but I'm still chained to my headset. I am applying to jobs, but mostly government and let's be for serious- they aren't really known for speed. So now tomorrow I have to go tell my heartless miserable human being of a manager that I need all kinds of time off so I can try to have a baby.

I think the part of all of this infertility crap that I hate the most is the roller coaster of it all. My last post was all happy and cheery. And now here I am, back to feeling hopeless and stressed. I just want this all to be over. One way or the other- I want to close this chapter of my life. It's become far far too long.

Cancer AGAIN?!? WTF?

Ok first of all- No- I don't have cancer again. I just thought for like 4 hours that I did. And let me tell you. That was THE LONGEST 4 HOURS EVER. I had a follow up with my endocrinologist this week. It was a totally anxiety free event for me- I'll go, he'll feel my neck, take some blood, and I'll be on my merry way.

So onto the neck feeling part. Usually he gives me a cup of water and I swallow and he feels. (Dirty, huh? ha ha) and normally he says "I can't feel anything. Everything feels normal.". Except this visit. At this visit he said "I think I feel something enlarged."

Just sayin, but ENLARGED is like the worst word ever to hear from the person who diagnosed you with cancer. :::cue panic:::

Per my normal process, as soon as he said the word ENLARGED, I went to the worst possible place. In my head I was having surgery again and we would never have a baby. In reality, he sent me to radiology for an ultrasound of my neck. I was fit into the schedule which meant nothing but lots of waiting and time spent thinking about my upcoming fake surgery and my lack of offspring. So while I sat stewing in a total panic, it turned out that it was all for nothing.

I do have a enlarged lymph node in my neck, but it's not big enough to be scary and you can have enlarged lymph nodes for about a billion reasons. :::deep deep breaths:::

Cancer seriously fucking sucks.

Best.News.Ever.

I AM CANCER FREE!!!

I went to the Endo today and he doth proclaim it that I am CANCER FREE!! I have a 99.6% chance that the cancer will never come back. Thems pretty good odds. YAHOO!! It's really the best news I've had in a long, long while. And any good news is welcome in this camp.

So here's the plan- I go back in 6 months for a follow up with blood work and a physical exam of my neck- just to make sure there are no lumps or bumps. 6 months after that, I'll have a specific set of blood work done- thyrogen induced thyroglobulin blood test done. Thyroglobulin is the "cancer marker" in the thyroid bloodwork. It should be very, very, very low. And right now- it is. So in a year- they will give me thyrogen to try to spike it. If it stays like it is now- we're in the clear! I expect no surprises.

And now I can return to my non-cancer having life. I'll take my synthroid and forget that the last three months ever happened.

A Note from my Endo

Hi Kathy,

Good news. Looks like what they saw in the lungs was an artifact. When they switched you to a different camera, the uptake in the lung disappeared. They are confident there is no metastatic disease. And certainly with your stimulated thyroglobulin being <0.5, that would support there being no spread of cancer as well.

JW


Translation: NO MORE CANCER!!!!!!!!

Now I REALLY hate my endo.

I broke up with him this morning.

I went in for my follow up. I waited in the office for an hour before being seen. Now I understand that as far as cancers go- the kind I have isn't a deal breaker. I'm not going to die from the kind of cancer that I have. But it's still a scary thing. It's still overwhelming. So after my hour long wait, he spent a whopping 6 minutes with me. I tried to explain that my friend D had recommended a surgeon that I would like to go to. I was promptly scolded for "shopping for a doctor". He told me that he would ONLY refer me to the surgeon of his choice (about 90 minutes away from my house). He threw some pamphlets about cancer my way and told me not to come back until after I have surgery.

Don't come back? Check. Done.