7dp3dt

I tested today. Stark white. Gah- I hate myself for doing that. I hate this shit.

What a Craptastic Day

Went back for monitoring today. 4 follicles- largest at 12mm. Ugh. Was really hoping for more growth. Not really bigger follies, but more of them. 4? I mean really?

I talked to my nurse and she said she's concerned that there aren't so many follicles. Yeah- me too. They increased my dose of Gonal F to 375 and kept the Menopur at 225. Ganirelix starts when the follies are at 14mm, so I'll go back tomorrow morning to check for that.

I'm losing hope already. I know it's early, but seriously this blows. We've been trying to get to the point of starting IVF for SO long- it's felt like FOREVER. And in my head- It's always been the end game. Like if we can get to IVF, we'll be fine. And now we're not. I fucking hate infertility and all the mind fucks it delivers. Blah.

Holiday Blues

I haven't been blogging so much. I just have no real news lately. I'm just dieting and working. I'm technically under the BMI limit for IVF, so I've got that down and my full intention is to keep dropping lbs until January rolls around.

I can't get Christmasy. My decorations are up. My tree is bright. I haven't bought a thing. I have no desire to shop. I hate this time of year. Everyone making cards with family pictures, putting up their Elf on a Shelf, talking about Santa. And for the third year in a row, I wonder if this will be our last year without a baby. It's only the 6th and I'm already ready for it to be next year. BLAH. Just let it end quickly.

WTF Update

He said that he was really happy that we made it to fertilization. He said it looked good for three days and then it arrested.  He did say that there was even a chance for people who have good egg and good sperm that the same thing happens to the embryo. So that being said- there is always a chance that things will work the next time. He thinks that traditional IVF is kind of useless for us since he's almost positive that there would be extra eggs that wouldn't be able to be fertilized. He thinks we should try Natural Cycle two more times before moving on. We are going to talk to the Urologist again about using Clomid again to try to improve count. J has an appointment next week on the 18th. 

We did talk about Donor Sperm. Last night before the appointment, J basically told me that it's his brother or nothing and he's not sure what he thinks about adoption. I spent the whole night (not really even an exaggeration) crying- I feel like he's really limiting our options and it's just really sad. So we talked about using his brother's sperm- they will use a known donor, but there would have to be psychological testing, legal paperwork, and then a 6 month waiting period to use the sperm. He did say we could do a split cycle- and use the donor as a back up. If we did that- we would do traditional IVF. 

So no idea what we're going to do. I expect to get my period maybe this weekend? If John goes to the Uro and he says yes- try the Clo and see what happens- that will be at least 60 days. So puts us to December? We're traveling in November so the timing would be sketchy for that. If he says no to the Clo- then we'll cycle again this coming month. 

If we have to move to donor sperm- we may be at an impass. Here is where the question comes in. I just don't know if I can use his brother's sperm. I mean there is the ick factor and the general creepiness of it, but aside from that- there are SO many reasons I can think of why this isn't a good idea. So blogging friends in the universe- riddle me this- What if it were your only shot at being a parent? Would that change your opinion? Would you explain it to the child (when appropriate)? How would you explain it? Would you tell the rest of your family? 

Fake Parent

Today I was a fake parent. J and I took my 7 year old niece and 3 year old nephew to an amusement park for the day. J's company reserves the park for employee appreciation each year so we took the kids.

So my nephew is enjoying the rides and waving at me. I'm taking pictures to send to my brother in law. And a lady next to me says "Your son looks just like your husband!" Ugh. And then I had to correct her and tell her it was my nephew.

And that happened on every.single.freakin.ride. Shoot me in the face. It was just a little fresh to keep hearing that over and over again. Of course all it made me think about what was if this is it for me? What if I'm just an Aunt?

I'm just not sure that Fake Parenting will be enough for me.

No Transfer

When my phone rang and I saw that it was from the doctor's office, I knew what they were calling to tell me. Transfer today has been cancelled. The embryo isn't growing as they expect it to. He said they want to watch it for one more day, but they don't anticipate that there will be any transfer. 

I don't know what to do now. I'm not sure how much more of this I can do. I feel sad and angry at the same time. Why does this have to be so hard? Why us? 

For fucks sake WHY CAN ONE THING WORK OUT. 

I'm alive. I swear.

I haven't been in such a blogging mood lately. But it's been a total shit day.

Here's the latest scoop.

1. J went back to the Urologist. Since his last SA was total crap- like worse than it's ever been- I figured that his blood work would show that his testosterone levels were in the shitter and they would simply put him back on Clomid and Arimidex and we would go on our merry way. Except now- his testosterone levels are normal. Whaaaaaaaat? So now there is no explanation for the low count and no reason to put him back on the drugs since they were really aiming to raise his testosterone levels. It's overwhelmingly frustrating to not have anything that we can do to help ourselves. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of cross your fingers and hope for the best. The urologist suggests that he give a sample the day before and the day of the egg retrieval. If there aren't enough sperm, they would have to go in surgically.

2. Our consult with the new RE has been rescheduled 4 times now. The RE's mother was terminally ill and so I can't fault him- just adds to the frustration level. So for now it's scheduled for June 29th. God help me if that date changes. I will cut a bitch.

3. I've been emailing with my endocrinologist. He plays quite the crucial role in all this. He has the power to give the go ahead. The IVF Green Light. My testing for him is scheduled for the week of July 4th. Right after that would be the exact right time for me to have an HSG done. Except tonight he told me that the first follow up he can do is July 23rd. And that pushes everything a whole other month. What's another month at this point? Well today another month feels like another year. I am DONE waiting. I have waited long enough. I am tired of waiting.

4. I hate my job. I especially hate it today, but with all these appointments coming up- it's going to mean that I'll need time off. And right now- it's damn near impossible to get time off. I'm caught in between two managers at work who just want to be in charge. So it's like a giant pissing contest. I don't want to tell the people in Maine about IVF. It's too many questions. I thought I'd be out of this BS call center job by now, but I'm still chained to my headset. I am applying to jobs, but mostly government and let's be for serious- they aren't really known for speed. So now tomorrow I have to go tell my heartless miserable human being of a manager that I need all kinds of time off so I can try to have a baby.

I think the part of all of this infertility crap that I hate the most is the roller coaster of it all. My last post was all happy and cheery. And now here I am, back to feeling hopeless and stressed. I just want this all to be over. One way or the other- I want to close this chapter of my life. It's become far far too long.

One Last Update...

Melissa's comment reminded me...

J had his first SA since his surgery (almost a year now) last Thursday. I told myself that I didn't need to care about the results. We still have lots of time to get him back to the Uro and back on whatever drugs he needs to be on so that we can move forward. I haven't been anxiously waiting for the results like I usually do.

So I got the results today. No sperm to freeze. She said there were live sperm in the sample, but nothing worth freezing. I hate this shit.

Now I just have to figure out how to tell my husband.

Long Overdue Update

Lots to update about...

1. J and I made nice after the sperm donor incident. We had to have a long talk about him drinking and his feelings about all of this. I had to explain what I needed from him in terms of support. I think it was most likely a long overdue conversation. And luckily- we landed on our feet and I feel stronger moving forward. We did end up having a talk about using a donor if it came to that. I think it is going to be something we agree to disagree about. J says the only way he would be comfortable with using a donor would be if it was someone in his family. I say the only way I'd be comfortable would be with someone anonymous. So that's the end of that. Donor sperm won't be an option for us. And that's ok.

2. I totally came out of the closet about our infertility during National Infertility Awareness Week. I did it without thinking and had a HUGE panic attack about it. Like I almost deleted my Facebook page cause I was so freaked out about it. I guess it's fine, but holy crap what was I thinking?!? I hope it doesn't bite me in the ass. It's going to be fine, right?

3. I'm three weeks deep in therapy. I think it's helping. I feel like I recognize that the issues I'm having are not related to infertility, but really issues I've had all along, but are just exaggerated by the infertility stuff. And really- the fact that I can recognize them and the fact that the infertility isn't my main issue kind of makes me feel more normal. Kind of. ha ha. My insurance pays for 20 sessions. So I'll go the 20 and see what happens after that.

4. We've decided to explore Natural Cycle IVF. I have no ovulatory dysfunction, so in theory- if we could get past the issues of sperm count- there isn't any reason I shouldn't be able to get pregnant. With the cost savings, it will help take some of the pressure off of IVF. Right now we can only afford one chance. Even if we did shared risk with our current clinic- with the cost of the drugs- we just can't afford to cycle more than once. Natural Cycle IVF is about a quarter of the cost of traditional IVF so if we did that- we could have several cycles of opportunity before we would reach our financial limit. I still have a lot of questions, but we're going to go for a consult sometime in May and just see what happens. J is irrationally hopeful about this option. I'm being more realistic (read: not hopeful). But we'll see.

So lots going on recently. And I'm feeling good. It's almost MAY. Whaaaaaaaat?!? Three more cycles and we'll be trying to have a baby. Yikes.

I am One in Eight.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I've been posting on Facebook this week about Infertility Awareness, Etiquette, Advocacy, etc. I feel like I'm out of the closet. I feel like I am so lucky to have a community of women who support me constantly.

And it makes me SO so so sad for those who suffer through this in silence and shame. So if you are out there and you are reading this- You too may be that one in eight couples who suffer from infertility. But YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

www.resolve.org

Therapy

I went to therapy yesterday. I guess it was good?? I have no frame of reference for what makes it good or not good. I guess I can't really tell after just one visit. I'm not entirely sure that I will click with this woman, but again- one visit is hard to make a judgement about. So for now I'll keep going.

I guess I didn't really think about what it was that I was looking for from the whole experience. Just to vent? Advice? No idea. I don't think it was just venting. I do that a lot and I feel like I talk about things on my own. So that may be part of the issue. Not quite sure what to expect from the whole experience.

I figure it can't hurt, though.

Adoption Talk

This past weekend J brought up adoption. If you've read my posts lately, you'll see why this was like the worst timing ever. In the past, I would have been so happy to talk about this stuff with him. But my emotional tank is on a big fat E lately. I can't even imagine talking about adoption. That is like a whole world that I know nothing about.

Don't take this the wrong way- I was adopted myself and love the idea of adoption, but there is SO much I don't know about the process that I can't even think about starting to think about all that.

I also think that he wants to talk adoption because of my recent freak outs. I'm pretty sure he thinks that the next few months and then IVF will end with me in a padded room, crying and rocking. His solution? Let's adopt! For reals- I hate this shit.

Admitting Defeat?

Maybe it's just being proactive? Yes. Let's call it that.

Did a lot of thinking this weekend. And well I had yet another melt down. I had full intentions of attending the 3rd birthday party of a friend of mine from college's son. And I just couldn't make myself go. I had a panic attack about 30 minutes before we were supposed to leave and ended up crying in my bed. J seriously has no idea what to do with me when this happens. And I think it's really starting to freak him out too. On top of that- I think my most recent string of unhappiness comes from more than just all this infertility business.

I'm pretty unhappy with my weight lately. My eating habits have gone right into the shitter. So that is the first change. I need to get moving and I need to start changing the way I eat. Pronto. I've been making 1000 excuses in my head about why I haven't started doing this, but now there is no excuse anymore. I need to get my act together.

I've decided to try therapy. My anxiety is getting worse and worse. And I'm MONTHS away from treatment. I think that rather than let myself spiral away, that I should try to be a bit proactive and learn to manage things as we go. I'm going to call two people from my insurance website and see where I get with that. Ugh.

2 Years Deep

And nothing to show for it. ::sigh::

About a year ago I made THIS post. And here I am another year in and still in the same place. Nothing to show for it. My level of anxiety about the future of our family (or lack there of???) is on the rise. I'm terrified of IVF and what will happen if it doesn't work. I'm terrified of all the decisions we'll have to make. I'm afraid of having testing done after what they found the last time. It's all so overwhelming. And even though we're months away from actually starting- the time will go quickly and then I'll have to face it. I'll have to face the possibility of things not going well.

I never thought I would have gone through all of this. You know when you go up the big hill on a roller coaster and you can hear that click click click all the way up the hill? I hate that part. And it seems like it takes so long to get up that hill for such a short ride. That is what this feels like- the hill is HUGE and the ride to the top is so long. It's been a whole year of click click click all the way up to the top. What happens when I get to the top? Will I like the ride? Will it make me sick? And then how does it end?

Too many questions. So much unknown. It's terrifying. But I have no choice, right?

When I Grow Up

When I grow up, I want to be a ______________.

You'd think that when I was rounding the corner to 34 that I'd be able to fill in that blank. But yeah, no clue. When I was in my early 20's, I would have told you that I wanted to do research. Psychological research. And then I would have said that eventually, somewhere along the way, I'd like to have a family.

With all the job hating that's been going on recently, J and I have had a lot of conversation about where my job/career is going. Is this a time to think about making a change? Can we afford that? How does that change our plan? I've been up way past my bed time tonight thinking about this. I got a call for an interview tomorrow. It's pretty much the same kind of job that I have now. They promised me at least at $10,000 raise. But it's in the city. And I'm dreading even going to the interview. I'm dreading it because they will throw a bunch of money at me and ask me to come work for them. And then I'll have to fill in that blank up there.

So through all this- what I've been thinking about is my stupid infertility. Do you plan your life around something that doesn't exist yet? Something that may never exist? Or do you charge forward as if that thing wasn't what you really want most? Will that 2 hour commute to the city wreck my family life? Will I have a family life? Will I have a family?

Now that I'm in my 30's (almost mid-30's YIKES) and you asked me to fill in the blank, my first answer is that I want to be a Mom. And a $10,000 raise isn't worth compromising that goal or making it any harder than it already is.

Where I've Been

Well working, really. Work is 110% insanity right now. I hate my work life THE MOST. I day dream of pushing my manager off the roof or hanging myself by the blind cords daily. Ok- that may sound a little extreme, but I certainly threaten.

So I've been working. And I've been sad. Time marches on and I get more and more sad. I'm pretty good at faking that I'm fine. But I'm not sure that I am. I'm sad every time I think about this situation that I'm in. I'm sad thinking about what happens to us if IVF doesn't work. I'm sad when I find out that people are having baby #2 already. I can feel myself growing resentful of my own sister when I watch her with her own children. I judge her every parenting move and all I can think of is why her and not me?

In the Infertile world- the word bitter is a dangerous term. You don't call someone bitter. But what about calling yourself bitter? Cause I think I'm headed there. It's becoming pretty challenging for me not to want to drown myself in a giant tank of self pitty. I'm feeling increasingly fucked over by the universe each day. Faking it is exhausting. I'm fine! I'm happy about your pregnancy! I don't think it's bad if you tell your son that his father is a dick! It's great!

So that's kind of where I've been. I'm trying not to drag my blog down the drain with me. Every time I think I should post- it's about something depressing.

Facebook blows.

Once I posted about the day that I ran into the girl from high school in my RE's office. Today Facebook told me that she had a baby girl. :::le sigh:::

I shouldn't care, but lately I feel like puking. I hate feeling jealous of other people. I'd like to be satisfied with what I've been given in life. Infertility sucks.

Imaginary Insurance Coverage

J got a new job- YEAH! This means a bigger paycheck for us, which is never a bad thing. Ever since I have known that this was coming, I've been DYING to get my paws on the insurance card. Dying to call about the coverage. And a little bit-in my head- I had already decided that we were going to go from being 100% out of pocket for all our IVF expenses, to 100% covered and in the clear. I was doing a mental happy dance about it already.

I finally got the ID and group number- called to the customer service number- and then they told me there is no coverage for infertility or ART procedures. :::insert sound of balloon deflation here:::

So I know I shouldn't be THAT disappointed. But my imaginary infertility coverage was awesome. And now it's gone again. And we're back to saving every penny so we can try to have a baby.

Who needs sperm anyway.

JC went to freeze another sample today. A back up to the back up, I guess.
The RE called today to tell us there were exactly zero living sperm in the sample. Not even one.

Like always- just when I think I'm on the upswing- something sends me plummeting into the depths of despair. I haven't cried in two weeks and now I'm trying desperately to stop.

I fucking hate infertility. I hate this roller coaster. I'm ready to give up and we haven't even started.

I'm going to be famous-ish!

My oldest friend, S, called me last week to ask me how I felt about talking about my infertility. She was asking because a friend of hers who is a freelance writer was looking for pairs of friends dealing with difficult life situations (infertility, death of a loved one, etc.) and S told her about us. She asked if I wouldn't mind sharing my story with her and being part of the article.

So now I'm going to be famous-ish! She asked me about how infertility had impacted my friendship with S and how she was able to be a good friend to me through the experience. She asked me about what advice I would give others who have friends going through infertility. They even called and interviewed both my RE and a counselor at their office on how to deal with a friend going through infertility struggles.

Even if it helps one person- it's worth telling the story.