Maybe the Tides Have Turned??

I had two whole long miserable years of nothing but bad news. One thing after the next- it was all bad news all the time.

And since the beginning of the summer, we've been riding the wave of constant good news. I almost don't want to talk about it because I've spent a lot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't have this much good news. It's like a totally foreign concept.

My list of goodness
1. J got a new job- and we got amazing IF coverage. Total game changer.
2. We really liked the new RE and decided to move forward with Natural Cycle IVF.
3. I was formally cleared by the Endocrinologist and was told there is absolutely no recurrence of my thyroid cancer.

And now #4- #4 is a good one. I got a new job! FINALLY! After seven full months of working in a call center- I got a new job. Oddly enough- I'm going back to work with the client that I worked with for 5 years before I was married. The contract is with a different company, but same idea and lots of the same people that I'll be working with. I got a raise, half the commute that I'm doing now, and a waaaay better work schedule. Amazing. It will change my life for the better in so many ways. Right now I get home around 7:15pm. J has to cook dinner every night or we would eat too late. And I have no time to do anything at night. And all that will vanish with this new job! It's very close to J's work (like 2 miles) so we can even carpool to work some days. I can go in early at like 6:30-7:00 and be home early too. AH-MAZ-ING. I don't have a start date quite yet- I'm just waiting for my security clearance to cross over and then I'll give my notice. I'm mentally preparing for that. Quitting when you work for a small company is not fun. They get super pissed off. But whatevs.

5. There are two houses in our neighborhood that are selling for what we would need to sell our house for to break even. That means we should be able to sell this house in the spring and peace outta here! We have only a very general idea of where we want to live so right now- the plan is to move in with my Mom (eeep!) for as long as we can tolerate- hopefully about a year- to save money and figure out where we really want to live. That could be a verrrrrrrrrry long year.

Do you believe in trends? Could this possibly continue? If it does- I really just need one more good thing. That's all I need. Please?

Natural Cycle IVF Consult

Hi Melissa!! Miss you friend. Thanks for checking on me. <3

SO! Big news here kids. Big. This blog's about to get busy again. Cause we're going to try to make a baby. Like for realz. Whaaaaaaaat?!?!

So last Friday we went to see the new RE- Dr. G. Dr. G's group specializes in Natural Cycle IVF. Essentially (in theory..) the only issue that we have is getting sperm to meet egg- not enough sperm to survive  the trip to the egg. Natural Cycle IVF is the same process as traditional IVF, but with no stimulation drugs. There is only one shot- a trigger- that allows you to time ovulation for the egg retrieval. You go in for daily blood work and ultrasounds starting on cycle day 10 to monitor your own ovulation. Once you are close to ovulation, you trigger and then 36 hours later the egg is retrieved. It will then be fertilized using ICSI. The clinic only does 5 day transfers- because they try to make sure that the embryos go to blast.

I was so nervous about the sperm issues. But the doctor was SO laid back. And I instantly felt the pressure go away. He said we would check for sperm before egg retrieval and if there were no good sperm- we just try again next month. All I've been through is some ultrasounds and one shot. Not a huge investment like traditional IVF. They said if we don't make it to retrieval- either no sperm or we miss the window- it won't count against insurance as a full cycle. J and I decided to try this for two cycles with insurance. If it doesn't work in two cycles, we'll try stimulated IVF.

And the other news- no repeat HSG! Yahoo!! And what does that mean??

BRING IT ON. I get my period and it's on! Baby Makin City!!

Wahooooo!!

363 days

Until we can try to have a baby.

Wednesday it was confirmed by the Endo and the Nuclear Med peeps that we have to wait a full year until we can safely have a baby. And honestly, after seeing all the precautions and how seriously this is taken by the hospital staff, I'm not sure I would feel ok with anything less.

So I'm back on birth control. How did I get all the way back here??

1 year deep

We've officially been trying to have a baby for one whole year.

::le sigh::

I was so naive in the beginning. You just have a lot of sex and then you have babies and everything is great. And here we are- one year later. No babies. Nothing is great. Like a stupid NOOB I bought my niece and nephew little shirts that say "I'm getting a new cousin" on them and thought it would be such a cute little way to tell JC's family. And now the shirts won't even fit them anymore.

I'm just ready to be done with this. The trying, and thinking about trying, and making decisions about trying...I'm done.

Please let me just be able to move forward.

I Will Be.

I can't take credit for this...I stole it from a wonderful lady Papps Blog.

I WILL BE

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that I have been given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that I am led to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

-Author Unknown, taken from TTGP

Waiting

You would think that one thing I would be good at by now is waiting. This whole getting pregnant business is A LOT of waiting. Some days I'm good at it. I can see the point to the current waiting period and I cross my fingers that it will be good for us in the long run.

And then there are some days that the jealousy and impatient sides crrreeeeppp in and I find myself having thoughts that may seem a bit desperate and whiny. Why do *I* have to wait so long? I hate the waiting.

Please. Please let this wait not be for nothing.

Back to it

I'm going back to charting tomorrow. I've been off the charting wagon for two cycles now. I figure that I better just keep track to make sure everything is on the straight and narrow with the ovulating and such. I'd rather not run into any other surprises.

In other health news- my doctor said my TSH levels are down again. 2.77 down from 4.6. She increased the med dose so I can get as close to 1 as possible. At least something is getting better.

My aching ute

Enrique and I went to see some good friends this weekend who have a 14 month old son. HOLY SHIZ he is the sweetest little boy. He makes my uterus ache. Not all kids do it- but that little one TOTALLY does. I love him to bits.

I think part of the reason that I'm full steam ahead on the baby making train is that I'm finally truly happy in my life. I am so content in my relationship with Enrique that it's not just that I want to have a baby- but I want to have a baby with him. I'm trying to make an effort do discuss the "clinical" parts of this process less with him. I'm doing all the same work- peeing on all the right sticks, counting, tracking...just trying to leave him out of that part. Hopefully it will work.

I'm also hoping to get a urologist appointment scheduled this week. Dying to get my questions answered!! I should ovulate this week so it will be a busy one!

Blogging- Day 1

I've been inspired to blog. Lots of girls on TTGP have blogs and I love reading them. So I'm inspired. I hope I can maintain!

A little about me....
I'm Kathy (32) and my husband is Enrique (34) (*the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Really that means I'm not yet ok with putting all this out into the universe just yet). Enrique and I have been together for almost two and a half years now. We did everything fast- got engaged quickly, got married quickly, and now are trying to have our first baby. Except that isn't happening as quickly as I'd like it to. So this is about that journey.

Where are we so far? Lots of factors involved in our baby making efforts.
Just a few....
1. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I was told by my Rheumatologist that I could stay on my arthritis meds and be safe. I was told by my OB/GYN that I should be 100% off them. So I decided to lean toward the conservative side and I stopped all arthritis medication at the end of February. Yikes! The sore joints and mild pain is now setting in. The Rheumatologist just tells me that it's just about me balancing how much I can tolerate against how long it takes me to get pregnant. From what I've read- a majority of women go into remission while pregnant so that shouldn't be an issue. Right now- it's just a wait and see how I feel kind of a situation. It's definitely slowed me down and stopped me from doing some things I probably would have been doing if I was still being medicated. But it's tolerable. Crossing my fingers that it stays that way.

2. As part of a routine physical- I discovered that my thyroid is under active. Normal ranges for TSH are 0.4-4.5. Mine is around 4.6. Ideal levels for women who are TTC are lower than 2. So I'm currently taking Synthroid and treating that. Hopefully it will come down and won't turn into an issue.

3. Also as a part of a routine physical- Enrique discovered that he has low testosterone levels. I guess normal levels are around 750 and his is below 250. Bad news bears. His GP doctor immediately wanted to put him on supplements, but I quickly put the kabosh on that. I have SO many unanswered questions about this problem and it's impact to our TTC efforts. Enrique thinks it's best to go see a urologist about this so hopefully that will happen in the next week or so.

So as you see- lots of things to juggle at this point. The good news in all of this is that my body is working like it should be. I ovulate (based on my charts...) and am pretty regular so that hurdle is taken care of. Now just need to line up all the other ducks. I never expected this process to be as emotionally consuming as it has turned out to be. I'm in the middle of Cycle #4 and each time I get a negative test, it gets a bit harder to take. Enrique is even beginning to get visibly upset which is terrible to see. So hopefully things work out for us.