No Transfer

When my phone rang and I saw that it was from the doctor's office, I knew what they were calling to tell me. Transfer today has been cancelled. The embryo isn't growing as they expect it to. He said they want to watch it for one more day, but they don't anticipate that there will be any transfer. 

I don't know what to do now. I'm not sure how much more of this I can do. I feel sad and angry at the same time. Why does this have to be so hard? Why us? 

For fucks sake WHY CAN ONE THING WORK OUT. 

The Significance of Tomorrow

Tomorrow is September 7th. Tomorrow will be the day that we transfer our embryo. Tomorrow will be our first real shot at having a baby. And that alone is is pretty significant. I'm not delusional. I know that we still have a long road ahead with my little embryo that could. But just to make it to transfer tomorrow is in itself, great progress.

Tomorrow also has other significance. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day that I lost my father. Tomorrow marks 18 years that I have been without my father. Now that I'm getting ready to try to make my husband a father, I miss him more than ever. He would have been such an amazing grandfather. My sister's son, who shares his name, would have learned how to play golf already. And it would have been great to watch.

Usually September 7th is a sad day for me, even 18 years later. I remember the day of my Dad's accident all day long and just hope that it ends quickly. I speak with my mom and I can hear the sadness and loss in her voice. But this year, I'm hoping to turn the tides. I'm hoping that we can change September 7th into a better day with better memories.

So Dad- if you're listening- Help me make you a grandchild tomorrow, would ya? I love you and I miss you every day.

Zero

Is the number of updates I'll get on how my little Playboy Bunny Folliea is doing before transfer on Friday. Gah! Better to let him/her grow in peace, but holy shiz a girl could use an update.

Transfer set for Friday at 11:45. Now what do I do with myself until then?? Ugh.

Update!

I got the call early this morning. The egg fertilized normally!! It's a miracle. A real, real miracle. The nurse said that it was excellent news and things are looking good. I am scheduled for transfer on Friday morning. I am affectionately naming my embryo Playboy Bunny Folliea.

I know that this doesn't mean we're out of the woods, but this is such great news. I keep thinking that my baby is growing in a lab about 20 miles from here. And I already love that baby.

On a side note- Progesterone suppositories are gross. Panty liners are my friend.