Beta

Well in case you couldn't infer from the death cramps or all the BFN posts- beta was negative. And somehow it just really sucked to hear it from my nurse. She is really awesome and for some reason all news IVF related sounds the most official when it comes from her. So yeah. Negative.

And as soon as it was over- a new one started. I started BCP for IVF #2 last night. The RE Dr. K thinks that the birth control may have over suppressed me (I agree). He still wants me on birth control, but not as much. So I'm going to do two weeks on, one week off, two weeks on. And then start stims. Antagonist Protocol again. We'll see what happens when we go for our WTF appointment next week. I have lots of questions to ask about my poor response and how we're going to try to fix that. So this whole plan is subject to change.

One big change is that our lips are sealed this time around. No one in real life will know we're doing this. NO ONE. It was so so sucky to have to tell people we failed. So this time we'll keep this under our hats.

10dp3dt

Negative. I'm feeling like I can really call it a fail now. And I'm FO SHO ready to quit shoving progesterone in my vag. Yesterday was melt down day. I couldn't keep my shit together for nothin. I threw myself a pity party last night and kindly invited my husband. We had a good heart to heart. He talked, I cried. He told me we were going to be ok. And that was what I needed to hear.

I'll keep testing till the beta, but I'm gonna go ahead and say that we'll be moving on to IVF#2 soon.

One thing I've decided is that I told FAR too many people we were doing this. And now it's going to suck to have to tell a billion people that it didn't work. Lesson learned for next time.

8dp3dt

It's 11:06pm. WAYYYY past my bed time. Why am I up?? Well I went to bed like a regular person. And then I got all hopeful. I started thinking about what it would be like if this really does work. Thinking about showing J that stick with that little "pregnant" in the window. Telling my sister she's going to be an aunt. Maybe taking on of those cheesy pictures where you mean to say cheese, but you say "We're having a baby" instead. Or writing it on a cake. I let myself picture my family and J's family in those scenes. And I couldn't sleep thinking about it.

So I did what any rational person would do- I got up and took a pregnancy test. And now I can't sleep because that test is still stark white. Still one lonely line. And the hope is gone again. Now I can't sleep because I'm thinking about what happens if we never have a baby. I don't want to be sad like this. I don't want to just be an Aunt. I don't know how to do this.

I just want this to be over. I wish I could just go get the beta done and be through with this.

7dp3dt

I tested today. Stark white. Gah- I hate myself for doing that. I hate this shit.