Merry-ish Christmas

This is *exactly* what I think my Boo Kitty says when he puts on his Santa costume. LOL 

I know it's not Christmas yet- but it's going to be a busy two days coming up. I was looking back at my Christmas Blogs from 2010 and 2011 and they are drastically different. 2010 still seems happy and upbeat. 2011 (post cancer, 2 years of IF) is far more depressing. And again this year I've had a really hard time getting any kind of holiday spirit. Like every year- this is by far the most super mega busy time of the year at work. I've been working like a freak of nature. J is still home (Dear Santa, Please bring J a start date. kthxbai.) so he's been doing all the Christmas business- decorating the house, the tree, wrapping gifts- everything. I kind of boycotted the whole holiday. I usually even love Christmas music- this year- meh. Not really. 

I thought 2012 was going to be our year. I thought it would have a different outcome. Yet here I sit, writing a verrrry similar post to last year. I know we're closer than we were last year. I know we'll really get our shot at having a baby. I know that will happen sooner than I expect. It all just feels like something that I can only talk about. When I really thought I was starting birth control for real- I had total internal panic. So as much as I want this year to end, I'm so afraid of how hard the next year may be. 

J and I went on a little date last night. He took me to dinner and a yummy restaurant called Basin's. And then we went to see the Christmas light display at the Botanical Gardens. And while we walked- we made a pact. This is our last year of this. If we don't have a baby or if I'm not pregnant by next Christmas- we'll just decide to be done. We'll just live as regular married people. I'm happy that there is an ending point. One way or the other- I'm ready to put this all behind us. 

Merry Christmas Bloggy Friends. I hope next year is better for all of us. 

A Not Mean Post About Christmas

Christmas was great. Or great-ish. The part with J was great. He is really the best gift giver on the planet. I am spoiled. I got a beautiful diamond and pearl necklace. He is amazeballs. He suggested that we go to Maryland early to go to church with my Mom. It was really the best gift she got. I think she appreciated us being there more than anything. And my ex-boyfriends parents sat next to her- awkward.

Then we baked cookies and got the food ready. My sister swooped in with the kids. Oh my sweet little nephew. I love him to pieces. He's almost 2 and is talking and saying Santa and Merry Christmas and Ho Ho Ho. He wants you to read books to him. He melts my heart. It's so much fun to see Christmas through their eyes.

My mom gave us a ridiculous amount of money for Christmas. And even without her telling me, I know she did it because she spends so much on my sister's kids and she feels like she has to even the score. She's so generous, but all it did was remind me that we have no kids.

I'm desperately hoping that next year's Christmas post will be different.

An Actual Christmas Conversation

A little back story: My sister, C, has two kids. I got diamonds for Christmas from J. (I know, he's kind of awesome)

I was on the phone with my sister today asking her about what her plans were for the day.

J was talking with my mom.

My mom: "C is jealous that you get Kathy diamonds for Christmas."

J: "Kathy would gladly trade everything in the universe for her two kids."

And THAT is why I married J.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Dear Santa,

What would I like from Santa this year? Really- I just want the year to end. I sit here after working 60 hours in 4 days and when I think about Christmas, I'd just like it to be over. I'm having a hard time finding any joy in the holidays this year. My job has managed to suck the life out of me in the last three weeks. I've been cranky and pretty miserable.

Next year has to be better, right? What is worse than finding out you have cancer? Please please please- don't let it get worse than that. I'm trying not to live my life 6 months in advance, but I'm semi-terrified of the roller coaster ahead of me. Terrified that things won't work out yet again and that I'll spend another Christmas being sad about how the year turned out.

So Santa, you can skip the presents. Just bring me a fresh start.

Ornament Exchanage

On the message board I am active on- 3T- we did a holiday ornament exchange. I got this awesome package in the mail today from Emily. Orange sparkly ornaments and homemade english toffee! SCORE! The ornaments glow with the lights on the tree. I love orange- it's my absolute favorite. I really think that there is something awesome about snail mail. Even when you kind of know it's coming. It seems like it arrives exactly on the day you need it. I love you 3T girls. <3

Holiday Crafts

In my attempts to enjoy the holidays, I've been crafting again. I'm spending the weekend with my girlfriends and I decided to make them homemade sugar scrubs for their hands and feet. I found the recipes on Pinterest. (Duh. Where do all my craft ideas come from?) They were cheap and easy to make. They smell delish! I made Pina Colada, Fresh Squeezed Lemonade, Pumpkin Pie, and Dark Chocolate Brownie. Cute gift ideas!

Here are the finish products!

My Tree

J and I finally decorated our tree.

I guess it makes me feel more Christmas-ish, but not really. There is a whole separate post about what's currently ruining my holiday. But until I have time to post about stupid Maine, I'll show you some of my favorite ornaments.

J bought this for me for our first Christmas together. Awe.

This is from a collection of ornaments from the Franklin Mint. My family started collecting these 18k gold ornaments each year since my parents were married. Now J and I have our own collection going. And we will keep that tradition going into our family. Here is the 2011 ornament- Away in a Manger.

This ornament is from my Grandmother's collection. Each of her grandchildren (there are 9 of us) split up her Christmas ornaments after she passed away a little over 3 years ago. This one is my favorite of hers.

There are a ton more on the tree, but those are some of the greatest hits.