I'm done with the Roller Coaster

For real. I'm done. Up, Down, Up, Down...it's making me feel like I'm going to hurl.

Here's my latest news. This may be long, it's been a rough couple of days.

Thursday and Friday sent me back to the hospital for Thyroid testing. I was scheduled to have two injections of Thyrogen (synthetic thyroid hormone) one on Thursday and one on Friday. They are using Thyrogen to attempt to stimulate my thyroglobulin levels. Thyroglobulin is the marker in the blood work for cancer. Normally it is undetectable. So if you get Thyrogen, and your thyroglobulin levels rise- that is bad. If it stays undetectable, then we're in the clear. I was also set to have an ultrasound of my neck to look at my lymph nodes around my neck and my thyroid bed. 


Thursday:
Went and got my Thyrogen injection- no problem. Walked over to radiology for the ultrasound and my back starts hurting. Uh-oh. With my history of kidney stones I was getting nervous that I was having a stone. Remember this post?? The last time I had a stone was during my thyroid biopsy. How appropriate. Ugh. So they called me back and I'm waiting for the tech and the pain is getting worse and worse- and now I'm having trouble breathing through it. It's like someone is stabbing me in the back. Now I know it's a kidney stone and I know I have to get to the ER. Lucky for me that I'm at the hospital. Ha! To add to the frustration, my phone doesn't work in the hospital and it's about 1000 degrees outside. I'm sweating from the pain and have to go outside to try to get a hold of J. I head to the ER that is PACKED full of people. They are kind enough to get me back quickly and start an IV. Once the IV went in- the pain stopped. They did do a CT Scan to confirm it was a stone (which it was), but they said it was small and on it's way out. So they sent me home with pain meds and instructions to drink a lot. 


Friday:
Pretty sure I passed the stone early early Friday morning. No pain and no feeling it since then. Back to the hospital for Thyrogen shot #2 and rescheduled ultrasound. Got the shot- no big deal. Except Thyrogen makes you feel like dog shit. Glad to be done with it. I went back for the ultrasound and when the tech was finished she said to me "You have some nodes that need to be evaluated." WHAT? I have WHAT? That is pretty high on the list of things you DON'T EVER say to people who have had cancer. I proceed to cry the entire way home and by the time I got home, I'd convinced myself I had cancer again and I would never have a baby. Way to stay positive, Kathy! After crying and stewing about it for far too long, I decided to email my endocrinologist and just see if he could get the results any sooner. He emailed me back at 10:47 on a Friday night. He is amazing. Here is his email to me:

Your pre-thyrogen labs look great and the thyroglobulin is undetectable (just like we want it to be - this is the thyroid cancer marker).

I also have the sono result and the lymph nodes that are seen are benign appearing. We see stuff like this all the time. Nothing to lose sleep over.


He attached the ultrasound report and it says in the findings section: No sonographic evidence to suggest recurrence.NO RECURRENCE!!!
I wanted to make out with him. The relief was unreal. So at the end of the day- I am going to be fine. I don't have cancer anymore. Monday I go for follow up blood work from Thyrogen, but now I'm not worried about that. Phew. 

Inspiring Words

Thank you Pinterest. I needed that.

Natural Cycle IVF Consult

Hi Melissa!! Miss you friend. Thanks for checking on me. <3

SO! Big news here kids. Big. This blog's about to get busy again. Cause we're going to try to make a baby. Like for realz. Whaaaaaaaat?!?!

So last Friday we went to see the new RE- Dr. G. Dr. G's group specializes in Natural Cycle IVF. Essentially (in theory..) the only issue that we have is getting sperm to meet egg- not enough sperm to survive  the trip to the egg. Natural Cycle IVF is the same process as traditional IVF, but with no stimulation drugs. There is only one shot- a trigger- that allows you to time ovulation for the egg retrieval. You go in for daily blood work and ultrasounds starting on cycle day 10 to monitor your own ovulation. Once you are close to ovulation, you trigger and then 36 hours later the egg is retrieved. It will then be fertilized using ICSI. The clinic only does 5 day transfers- because they try to make sure that the embryos go to blast.

I was so nervous about the sperm issues. But the doctor was SO laid back. And I instantly felt the pressure go away. He said we would check for sperm before egg retrieval and if there were no good sperm- we just try again next month. All I've been through is some ultrasounds and one shot. Not a huge investment like traditional IVF. They said if we don't make it to retrieval- either no sperm or we miss the window- it won't count against insurance as a full cycle. J and I decided to try this for two cycles with insurance. If it doesn't work in two cycles, we'll try stimulated IVF.

And the other news- no repeat HSG! Yahoo!! And what does that mean??

BRING IT ON. I get my period and it's on! Baby Makin City!!

Wahooooo!!

I'm alive. I swear.

I haven't been in such a blogging mood lately. But it's been a total shit day.

Here's the latest scoop.

1. J went back to the Urologist. Since his last SA was total crap- like worse than it's ever been- I figured that his blood work would show that his testosterone levels were in the shitter and they would simply put him back on Clomid and Arimidex and we would go on our merry way. Except now- his testosterone levels are normal. Whaaaaaaaat? So now there is no explanation for the low count and no reason to put him back on the drugs since they were really aiming to raise his testosterone levels. It's overwhelmingly frustrating to not have anything that we can do to help ourselves. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of cross your fingers and hope for the best. The urologist suggests that he give a sample the day before and the day of the egg retrieval. If there aren't enough sperm, they would have to go in surgically.

2. Our consult with the new RE has been rescheduled 4 times now. The RE's mother was terminally ill and so I can't fault him- just adds to the frustration level. So for now it's scheduled for June 29th. God help me if that date changes. I will cut a bitch.

3. I've been emailing with my endocrinologist. He plays quite the crucial role in all this. He has the power to give the go ahead. The IVF Green Light. My testing for him is scheduled for the week of July 4th. Right after that would be the exact right time for me to have an HSG done. Except tonight he told me that the first follow up he can do is July 23rd. And that pushes everything a whole other month. What's another month at this point? Well today another month feels like another year. I am DONE waiting. I have waited long enough. I am tired of waiting.

4. I hate my job. I especially hate it today, but with all these appointments coming up- it's going to mean that I'll need time off. And right now- it's damn near impossible to get time off. I'm caught in between two managers at work who just want to be in charge. So it's like a giant pissing contest. I don't want to tell the people in Maine about IVF. It's too many questions. I thought I'd be out of this BS call center job by now, but I'm still chained to my headset. I am applying to jobs, but mostly government and let's be for serious- they aren't really known for speed. So now tomorrow I have to go tell my heartless miserable human being of a manager that I need all kinds of time off so I can try to have a baby.

I think the part of all of this infertility crap that I hate the most is the roller coaster of it all. My last post was all happy and cheery. And now here I am, back to feeling hopeless and stressed. I just want this all to be over. One way or the other- I want to close this chapter of my life. It's become far far too long.

Good News From Me?? What What?

I haven't been updating...and well it's really been because it's just more of the same. Awkward family conversation about donor sperm? Check. Bad SA? Check Check.

Annnnnnnnd then today happened. And *POOF* Magically- somehow- I was having the best day ever.

Today two good things happened.

1. Dr. G- my hopefully new RE called me this morning. He called me to reschedule my appointment. He said his mother was dying and he needed to be with her. He called me himself. Not the staff. He called. And he was SO nice. I am irrationally hopeful about the new RE. And even though our consult got moved again- I feel like this might be the best choice for us.

2. J got a job offer today. From a company with the.most.amazing.insurance. Like EVER. Ok, maybe not- but it's pretty damn good. They cover 4 full IVF cycles at 100% and even provide grants towards adoption. It's like he just got a $20,000 bonus.

That changes everything for us. Everything. So many things are possible now. An overwhelming amount of pressure is off our shoulders. I am full of hope for the first time in so long. After two years of shit news, we EARNED this good news.

Today, I am hopeful. And that feels great.

One Last Update...

Melissa's comment reminded me...

J had his first SA since his surgery (almost a year now) last Thursday. I told myself that I didn't need to care about the results. We still have lots of time to get him back to the Uro and back on whatever drugs he needs to be on so that we can move forward. I haven't been anxiously waiting for the results like I usually do.

So I got the results today. No sperm to freeze. She said there were live sperm in the sample, but nothing worth freezing. I hate this shit.

Now I just have to figure out how to tell my husband.

Long Overdue Update

Lots to update about...

1. J and I made nice after the sperm donor incident. We had to have a long talk about him drinking and his feelings about all of this. I had to explain what I needed from him in terms of support. I think it was most likely a long overdue conversation. And luckily- we landed on our feet and I feel stronger moving forward. We did end up having a talk about using a donor if it came to that. I think it is going to be something we agree to disagree about. J says the only way he would be comfortable with using a donor would be if it was someone in his family. I say the only way I'd be comfortable would be with someone anonymous. So that's the end of that. Donor sperm won't be an option for us. And that's ok.

2. I totally came out of the closet about our infertility during National Infertility Awareness Week. I did it without thinking and had a HUGE panic attack about it. Like I almost deleted my Facebook page cause I was so freaked out about it. I guess it's fine, but holy crap what was I thinking?!? I hope it doesn't bite me in the ass. It's going to be fine, right?

3. I'm three weeks deep in therapy. I think it's helping. I feel like I recognize that the issues I'm having are not related to infertility, but really issues I've had all along, but are just exaggerated by the infertility stuff. And really- the fact that I can recognize them and the fact that the infertility isn't my main issue kind of makes me feel more normal. Kind of. ha ha. My insurance pays for 20 sessions. So I'll go the 20 and see what happens after that.

4. We've decided to explore Natural Cycle IVF. I have no ovulatory dysfunction, so in theory- if we could get past the issues of sperm count- there isn't any reason I shouldn't be able to get pregnant. With the cost savings, it will help take some of the pressure off of IVF. Right now we can only afford one chance. Even if we did shared risk with our current clinic- with the cost of the drugs- we just can't afford to cycle more than once. Natural Cycle IVF is about a quarter of the cost of traditional IVF so if we did that- we could have several cycles of opportunity before we would reach our financial limit. I still have a lot of questions, but we're going to go for a consult sometime in May and just see what happens. J is irrationally hopeful about this option. I'm being more realistic (read: not hopeful). But we'll see.

So lots going on recently. And I'm feeling good. It's almost MAY. Whaaaaaaaat?!? Three more cycles and we'll be trying to have a baby. Yikes.