Yeah. Starting Again.

Can't you sense the excitement? I have been neglecting the blog. But it's just cause I've been doing nothing. Well not nothing- I turned 35. We hit the three year mark of trying to have a baby. A good friend who just got married in October is having a baby. Yeah. 

We're starting IVF again. I did my first injection this morning. My heart isn't in it this time. I guess I just have so little hope that it will really work that I just can't get into it. I can't seem to care about this. I go for monitoring on Tuesday. I'm just hoping that if I can see that there's been some growth, then maybe I'll get into it. Maybe? 

We've registered for an adoption seminar in mid-May. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that yet either. 

I'm left with sad thoughts of what happens if J and I end up alone. We would have a great life- I'm sure we would. I just don't want to always be sad about this- always feel like something is missing, wish we had tried again just one more time. I guess being in the middle of all of this still leaves all these feelings unresolved. And that part sucks. 

Maybe a new plan?

J has always said he's not into adoption. He said he couldn't think about that until we had really run out of options to have biological children. When we were going through the whole donor sperm ordeal, I learned that he has a strong need to have biological children, and I get that. So up until now, adoption has been off the table for us.

When we got the news about the DOR diagnosis, it became a real possibility that with only two tries left at IVF, that biological children may not be in the cards for us. So one night after the news of the DOR, we were having dinner and J tells me that he thinks we need to start thinking about adoption. I was happily surprised. I was glad that he was the one to bring it up and not me. We're not totally sold yet, but we agree that we need to start educating ourselves about adoption and figuring out if it's right for us. There is so much to learn- it's all very overwhelming. But I got myself a book and found some good resources in other girls that have adopted in the recent past. I'm hopeful that IVF isn't the end of our journey.

Meanwhile we're getting closer to IVF #2 and I'm not so excited about it. I guess I've been stripped of a lot of the hope I had for IVF and now it just feels like we're going through the motions. I guess time will tell.