Maybe a new plan?

J has always said he's not into adoption. He said he couldn't think about that until we had really run out of options to have biological children. When we were going through the whole donor sperm ordeal, I learned that he has a strong need to have biological children, and I get that. So up until now, adoption has been off the table for us.

When we got the news about the DOR diagnosis, it became a real possibility that with only two tries left at IVF, that biological children may not be in the cards for us. So one night after the news of the DOR, we were having dinner and J tells me that he thinks we need to start thinking about adoption. I was happily surprised. I was glad that he was the one to bring it up and not me. We're not totally sold yet, but we agree that we need to start educating ourselves about adoption and figuring out if it's right for us. There is so much to learn- it's all very overwhelming. But I got myself a book and found some good resources in other girls that have adopted in the recent past. I'm hopeful that IVF isn't the end of our journey.

Meanwhile we're getting closer to IVF #2 and I'm not so excited about it. I guess I've been stripped of a lot of the hope I had for IVF and now it just feels like we're going through the motions. I guess time will tell.

WTF Appointment

We met with the RE today to talk about next steps. He officially diagnosed me with Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR). Even though my FSH levels were normal (5.6) and my AFC was normal (12), my AMH levels were low- 1.0. So that combined with my absolutely horrid response to the max dose of stims- I am lucky enough to fall into the DOR category. It's a tough diagnosis. It's just making things that much more difficult. But let's be for serious- Did I expect anything less than complicated and expensive? Um, no.

So since we already know how I respond on the Antagonist protocol- (shitty), the RE wants to use that same drug protocol and front load me with stims. Max out the dose from the beginning to hopefully recruit more follicles at the beginning of the cycle. J and I talked about it and if I'm not showing a good response by 8 or 9 days into stims- I think we'll elect to cancel the cycle. Insurance considers it to be a full cycle if you get to retrieval and being that we only have two left. So I'd really rather not waste a cycle if I'm not responding.

They also said that J had barely enough sperm to fertilize the four eggs we got, so unfortunately we have to have the urologist as a back up again.

All in all, it was all pretty depressing news. I'm left feeling a bit hopeless, honestly. I mean we'll try again, but I guess I just have pretty low expectations.

Back to the Diet

I had a great weekend. Really- every weekend with these girls just kind of helps me fill up the feel good tank and reset myself to a good place. It's so great. I am so lucky and so happy to have them in my life.

We did take lots of pictures and when I look at them- I'm not super happy with what I see. I can't lie- I don't like the way I look. I clearly feel far better about myself than I did 25 pounds ago, but I realized that I still have quite the long way to go. So I'm back on the diet wagon. Back to eating well and back to exercising. LOTS of exercising. I'm thankful that I didn't gain any weight through IVF, so I won't have to be stressed out about that, but I'm back on birth control and so I really need to get things in check.

I joined Diet Bet with some of my friends. It's a challenge to drop 4% of your body weight in 28 days. Eeep!  That seems really hard, but a good goal to go after. That would put me right before starting stims again and I would be a happy camper.

Good for the Soul

My "feel good" tank is running on E. This weekend is the best timing ever. I'm going to meet with these girls. We've managed to continue our weekends together since that first one. We meet up every few months. Spending time with them is good for the soul. It's so nice to be with people who know your history and love you despite the worst things about yourself. It's strange because we're all in very different places in our lives, but we seem to have found each other again at the exact right time. I love them so much and I can't wait to see them.

We're also lucky enough to be having lunch with our high school religion teacher. I don't even know how to explain her. She's most likely one of the most wise people I've ever met.

Beta

Well in case you couldn't infer from the death cramps or all the BFN posts- beta was negative. And somehow it just really sucked to hear it from my nurse. She is really awesome and for some reason all news IVF related sounds the most official when it comes from her. So yeah. Negative.

And as soon as it was over- a new one started. I started BCP for IVF #2 last night. The RE Dr. K thinks that the birth control may have over suppressed me (I agree). He still wants me on birth control, but not as much. So I'm going to do two weeks on, one week off, two weeks on. And then start stims. Antagonist Protocol again. We'll see what happens when we go for our WTF appointment next week. I have lots of questions to ask about my poor response and how we're going to try to fix that. So this whole plan is subject to change.

One big change is that our lips are sealed this time around. No one in real life will know we're doing this. NO ONE. It was so so sucky to have to tell people we failed. So this time we'll keep this under our hats.

Death Cramps

I got my period yesterday. Despite taking progesterone, I got my period anyway. And HOLY SHIZ- it's the worst period I've ever had. Cramps that almost made me leave work and have me eyeing the Vicoden I got after egg retrieval. I talked to the nurse today and she told me to keep taking the meds- Estrodil and Endometrin. Um, probs not. Nothing except a tampon is going in my vag right now. She said "You could still be pregnant." NO I CAN'T. Just let this whole damn thing end. Ugh. And I have to go tomorrow morning to get blood drawn for me to prove to her that I'm not pregnant. I get it- they need some kind of official negative. Ok, fine.

I guess the good part about already getting my period is that hopefully we can move right into #2. Am I nuts for doing that? I can't tell yet. I mean the crazy train is moving- why bother stopping it?

10dp3dt

Negative. I'm feeling like I can really call it a fail now. And I'm FO SHO ready to quit shoving progesterone in my vag. Yesterday was melt down day. I couldn't keep my shit together for nothin. I threw myself a pity party last night and kindly invited my husband. We had a good heart to heart. He talked, I cried. He told me we were going to be ok. And that was what I needed to hear.

I'll keep testing till the beta, but I'm gonna go ahead and say that we'll be moving on to IVF#2 soon.

One thing I've decided is that I told FAR too many people we were doing this. And now it's going to suck to have to tell a billion people that it didn't work. Lesson learned for next time.