Here we go again.

CD 1.

J goes to the Urologist on Tuesday. If he says no to the Clo- we're cycling again. If he says yes- we wait. Again. Either way I'll go for baseline just in case. Blahhhh. Stupid roller coaster is out of the station.

WTF Update

He said that he was really happy that we made it to fertilization. He said it looked good for three days and then it arrested.  He did say that there was even a chance for people who have good egg and good sperm that the same thing happens to the embryo. So that being said- there is always a chance that things will work the next time. He thinks that traditional IVF is kind of useless for us since he's almost positive that there would be extra eggs that wouldn't be able to be fertilized. He thinks we should try Natural Cycle two more times before moving on. We are going to talk to the Urologist again about using Clomid again to try to improve count. J has an appointment next week on the 18th. 

We did talk about Donor Sperm. Last night before the appointment, J basically told me that it's his brother or nothing and he's not sure what he thinks about adoption. I spent the whole night (not really even an exaggeration) crying- I feel like he's really limiting our options and it's just really sad. So we talked about using his brother's sperm- they will use a known donor, but there would have to be psychological testing, legal paperwork, and then a 6 month waiting period to use the sperm. He did say we could do a split cycle- and use the donor as a back up. If we did that- we would do traditional IVF. 

So no idea what we're going to do. I expect to get my period maybe this weekend? If John goes to the Uro and he says yes- try the Clo and see what happens- that will be at least 60 days. So puts us to December? We're traveling in November so the timing would be sketchy for that. If he says no to the Clo- then we'll cycle again this coming month. 

If we have to move to donor sperm- we may be at an impass. Here is where the question comes in. I just don't know if I can use his brother's sperm. I mean there is the ick factor and the general creepiness of it, but aside from that- there are SO many reasons I can think of why this isn't a good idea. So blogging friends in the universe- riddle me this- What if it were your only shot at being a parent? Would that change your opinion? Would you explain it to the child (when appropriate)? How would you explain it? Would you tell the rest of your family? 

I really like my doctor.

Dr. G called me personally today to tell me how sorry he was that things didn't turn out differently for us. He said he was glad we even made it to fertilization and he's really hoping we'll come talk about our options.

I told him that I had already scheduled an appointment with him for this coming week and we have lots of questions lined up for him. Out WTF appointment is scheduled for this Wednesday. I'm thankful that we could get in quickly and try to figure out what to do next.

But really I'm appreciative and thankful that the doctor took the time to call me personally. I never would have gotten a call like that from my previous clinic. So I'm happy we switched and I'm looking forward to our appointment. More on my questions for the doc to come.

Fake Parent

Today I was a fake parent. J and I took my 7 year old niece and 3 year old nephew to an amusement park for the day. J's company reserves the park for employee appreciation each year so we took the kids.

So my nephew is enjoying the rides and waving at me. I'm taking pictures to send to my brother in law. And a lady next to me says "Your son looks just like your husband!" Ugh. And then I had to correct her and tell her it was my nephew.

And that happened on every.single.freakin.ride. Shoot me in the face. It was just a little fresh to keep hearing that over and over again. Of course all it made me think about what was if this is it for me? What if I'm just an Aunt?

I'm just not sure that Fake Parenting will be enough for me.

Officially Cancelled

Got the call this morning that our transfer was canceled. I should stop all meds and call the office Monday to make an appointment with Dr. G.

J and I talked though our options this morning and we decided on a good plan for us going forward. So for now, I just want to put this behind me.

No Transfer

When my phone rang and I saw that it was from the doctor's office, I knew what they were calling to tell me. Transfer today has been cancelled. The embryo isn't growing as they expect it to. He said they want to watch it for one more day, but they don't anticipate that there will be any transfer. 

I don't know what to do now. I'm not sure how much more of this I can do. I feel sad and angry at the same time. Why does this have to be so hard? Why us? 

For fucks sake WHY CAN ONE THING WORK OUT. 

The Significance of Tomorrow

Tomorrow is September 7th. Tomorrow will be the day that we transfer our embryo. Tomorrow will be our first real shot at having a baby. And that alone is is pretty significant. I'm not delusional. I know that we still have a long road ahead with my little embryo that could. But just to make it to transfer tomorrow is in itself, great progress.

Tomorrow also has other significance. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day that I lost my father. Tomorrow marks 18 years that I have been without my father. Now that I'm getting ready to try to make my husband a father, I miss him more than ever. He would have been such an amazing grandfather. My sister's son, who shares his name, would have learned how to play golf already. And it would have been great to watch.

Usually September 7th is a sad day for me, even 18 years later. I remember the day of my Dad's accident all day long and just hope that it ends quickly. I speak with my mom and I can hear the sadness and loss in her voice. But this year, I'm hoping to turn the tides. I'm hoping that we can change September 7th into a better day with better memories.

So Dad- if you're listening- Help me make you a grandchild tomorrow, would ya? I love you and I miss you every day.