I haven't been updating...and well it's really been because it's just more of the same. Awkward family conversation about donor sperm? Check. Bad SA? Check Check.
Annnnnnnnd then today happened. And *POOF* Magically- somehow- I was having the best day ever.
Today two good things happened.
1. Dr. G- my hopefully new RE called me this morning. He called me to reschedule my appointment. He said his mother was dying and he needed to be with her. He called me himself. Not the staff. He called. And he was SO nice. I am irrationally hopeful about the new RE. And even though our consult got moved again- I feel like this might be the best choice for us.
2. J got a job offer today. From a company with the.most.amazing.insurance. Like EVER. Ok, maybe not- but it's pretty damn good. They cover 4 full IVF cycles at 100% and even provide grants towards adoption. It's like he just got a $20,000 bonus.
That changes everything for us. Everything. So many things are possible now. An overwhelming amount of pressure is off our shoulders. I am full of hope for the first time in so long. After two years of shit news, we EARNED this good news.
Today, I am hopeful. And that feels great.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
One Last Update...
Melissa's comment reminded me...
J had his first SA since his surgery (almost a year now) last Thursday. I told myself that I didn't need to care about the results. We still have lots of time to get him back to the Uro and back on whatever drugs he needs to be on so that we can move forward. I haven't been anxiously waiting for the results like I usually do.
So I got the results today. No sperm to freeze. She said there were live sperm in the sample, but nothing worth freezing. I hate this shit.
Now I just have to figure out how to tell my husband.
J had his first SA since his surgery (almost a year now) last Thursday. I told myself that I didn't need to care about the results. We still have lots of time to get him back to the Uro and back on whatever drugs he needs to be on so that we can move forward. I haven't been anxiously waiting for the results like I usually do.
So I got the results today. No sperm to freeze. She said there were live sperm in the sample, but nothing worth freezing. I hate this shit.
Now I just have to figure out how to tell my husband.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Long Overdue Update
Lots to update about...
1. J and I made nice after the sperm donor incident. We had to have a long talk about him drinking and his feelings about all of this. I had to explain what I needed from him in terms of support. I think it was most likely a long overdue conversation. And luckily- we landed on our feet and I feel stronger moving forward. We did end up having a talk about using a donor if it came to that. I think it is going to be something we agree to disagree about. J says the only way he would be comfortable with using a donor would be if it was someone in his family. I say the only way I'd be comfortable would be with someone anonymous. So that's the end of that. Donor sperm won't be an option for us. And that's ok.
2. I totally came out of the closet about our infertility during National Infertility Awareness Week. I did it without thinking and had a HUGE panic attack about it. Like I almost deleted my Facebook page cause I was so freaked out about it. I guess it's fine, but holy crap what was I thinking?!? I hope it doesn't bite me in the ass. It's going to be fine, right?
3. I'm three weeks deep in therapy. I think it's helping. I feel like I recognize that the issues I'm having are not related to infertility, but really issues I've had all along, but are just exaggerated by the infertility stuff. And really- the fact that I can recognize them and the fact that the infertility isn't my main issue kind of makes me feel more normal. Kind of. ha ha. My insurance pays for 20 sessions. So I'll go the 20 and see what happens after that.
4. We've decided to explore Natural Cycle IVF. I have no ovulatory dysfunction, so in theory- if we could get past the issues of sperm count- there isn't any reason I shouldn't be able to get pregnant. With the cost savings, it will help take some of the pressure off of IVF. Right now we can only afford one chance. Even if we did shared risk with our current clinic- with the cost of the drugs- we just can't afford to cycle more than once. Natural Cycle IVF is about a quarter of the cost of traditional IVF so if we did that- we could have several cycles of opportunity before we would reach our financial limit. I still have a lot of questions, but we're going to go for a consult sometime in May and just see what happens. J is irrationally hopeful about this option. I'm being more realistic (read: not hopeful). But we'll see.
So lots going on recently. And I'm feeling good. It's almost MAY. Whaaaaaaaat?!? Three more cycles and we'll be trying to have a baby. Yikes.
1. J and I made nice after the sperm donor incident. We had to have a long talk about him drinking and his feelings about all of this. I had to explain what I needed from him in terms of support. I think it was most likely a long overdue conversation. And luckily- we landed on our feet and I feel stronger moving forward. We did end up having a talk about using a donor if it came to that. I think it is going to be something we agree to disagree about. J says the only way he would be comfortable with using a donor would be if it was someone in his family. I say the only way I'd be comfortable would be with someone anonymous. So that's the end of that. Donor sperm won't be an option for us. And that's ok.
2. I totally came out of the closet about our infertility during National Infertility Awareness Week. I did it without thinking and had a HUGE panic attack about it. Like I almost deleted my Facebook page cause I was so freaked out about it. I guess it's fine, but holy crap what was I thinking?!? I hope it doesn't bite me in the ass. It's going to be fine, right?
3. I'm three weeks deep in therapy. I think it's helping. I feel like I recognize that the issues I'm having are not related to infertility, but really issues I've had all along, but are just exaggerated by the infertility stuff. And really- the fact that I can recognize them and the fact that the infertility isn't my main issue kind of makes me feel more normal. Kind of. ha ha. My insurance pays for 20 sessions. So I'll go the 20 and see what happens after that.
4. We've decided to explore Natural Cycle IVF. I have no ovulatory dysfunction, so in theory- if we could get past the issues of sperm count- there isn't any reason I shouldn't be able to get pregnant. With the cost savings, it will help take some of the pressure off of IVF. Right now we can only afford one chance. Even if we did shared risk with our current clinic- with the cost of the drugs- we just can't afford to cycle more than once. Natural Cycle IVF is about a quarter of the cost of traditional IVF so if we did that- we could have several cycles of opportunity before we would reach our financial limit. I still have a lot of questions, but we're going to go for a consult sometime in May and just see what happens. J is irrationally hopeful about this option. I'm being more realistic (read: not hopeful). But we'll see.
So lots going on recently. And I'm feeling good. It's almost MAY. Whaaaaaaaat?!? Three more cycles and we'll be trying to have a baby. Yikes.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
I am One in Eight.
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I've been posting on Facebook this week about Infertility Awareness, Etiquette, Advocacy, etc. I feel like I'm out of the closet. I feel like I am so lucky to have a community of women who support me constantly.
And it makes me SO so so sad for those who suffer through this in silence and shame. So if you are out there and you are reading this- You too may be that one in eight couples who suffer from infertility. But YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
www.resolve.org
And it makes me SO so so sad for those who suffer through this in silence and shame. So if you are out there and you are reading this- You too may be that one in eight couples who suffer from infertility. But YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
www.resolve.org
Monday, April 16, 2012
Shit My Husband Said
J and I had dinner with his brother and his brother's wife Saturday night. It was quite possibly one of the most embarrassing nights of my life.
Let me preface this with a little story... A little while back- J and I had a TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL conversation about donor sperm. I asked him how he would feel about using a donor if we had to go in that direction. Without even 5 SECONDS of thought- he said to me "Easy- I'll ask my brother." :::blank stare::: Um, no thank you. I understand his reasoning- then our child would still have his family's gene's. But HOLY FREAKIN CREEPY. I told him that would really be something I'm not sure I could do. I just wasn't sure I would ever be able to get beyond the fact that it would be his brother's baby. Obviously- being that the conversation was TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL- it was my first gut reaction.
So now you may realize where I'm going with this. So J decided after a little over a bottle of wine, that he should ask his brother (and his brother's wife, mind you) to be a donor for us. Without consulting me. While he was drunk. Over dinner. Enter the most awkward moment ever. J asking for sperm, my brother in law and his wife now making the :::blank stare::: face. I tried my hardest not to cry (I'm a little sensitive these days, I guess) and just tried to change the subject. Until he proceeded to tell them that we'd already talked about it and that I thought it was creepy.
Mortified doesn't even really come close to describing how I felt. Or how I still feel. I woke up the next morning to an email from my brother in law agreeing to donate sperm to us. Ugh. Unreal. I told J that I was upset and he laughed it off. We spent Sunday barely speaking. Today was much of the same. Tonight I finally had to tell him how upset I was. He told me he was sorry and then while I lay in bed crying, he rolled over and went to sleep.
Maybe it's just because I'm in kind of a bad place right now, but I have never felt so abandoned by him as I did tonight. Or discounted. Like my feelings didn't matter to him at all. And it's the saddest thing ever. I feel like I'm so fragile right now. And had you asked me last week, I would have told you that he was the only thing able to hold me together. This week? Can I say the same thing? I'm just not quite sure.
Let me preface this with a little story... A little while back- J and I had a TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL conversation about donor sperm. I asked him how he would feel about using a donor if we had to go in that direction. Without even 5 SECONDS of thought- he said to me "Easy- I'll ask my brother." :::blank stare::: Um, no thank you. I understand his reasoning- then our child would still have his family's gene's. But HOLY FREAKIN CREEPY. I told him that would really be something I'm not sure I could do. I just wasn't sure I would ever be able to get beyond the fact that it would be his brother's baby. Obviously- being that the conversation was TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL- it was my first gut reaction.
So now you may realize where I'm going with this. So J decided after a little over a bottle of wine, that he should ask his brother (and his brother's wife, mind you) to be a donor for us. Without consulting me. While he was drunk. Over dinner. Enter the most awkward moment ever. J asking for sperm, my brother in law and his wife now making the :::blank stare::: face. I tried my hardest not to cry (I'm a little sensitive these days, I guess) and just tried to change the subject. Until he proceeded to tell them that we'd already talked about it and that I thought it was creepy.
Mortified doesn't even really come close to describing how I felt. Or how I still feel. I woke up the next morning to an email from my brother in law agreeing to donate sperm to us. Ugh. Unreal. I told J that I was upset and he laughed it off. We spent Sunday barely speaking. Today was much of the same. Tonight I finally had to tell him how upset I was. He told me he was sorry and then while I lay in bed crying, he rolled over and went to sleep.
Maybe it's just because I'm in kind of a bad place right now, but I have never felt so abandoned by him as I did tonight. Or discounted. Like my feelings didn't matter to him at all. And it's the saddest thing ever. I feel like I'm so fragile right now. And had you asked me last week, I would have told you that he was the only thing able to hold me together. This week? Can I say the same thing? I'm just not quite sure.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Therapy
I went to therapy yesterday. I guess it was good?? I have no frame of reference for what makes it good or not good. I guess I can't really tell after just one visit. I'm not entirely sure that I will click with this woman, but again- one visit is hard to make a judgement about. So for now I'll keep going.
I guess I didn't really think about what it was that I was looking for from the whole experience. Just to vent? Advice? No idea. I don't think it was just venting. I do that a lot and I feel like I talk about things on my own. So that may be part of the issue. Not quite sure what to expect from the whole experience.
I figure it can't hurt, though.
I guess I didn't really think about what it was that I was looking for from the whole experience. Just to vent? Advice? No idea. I don't think it was just venting. I do that a lot and I feel like I talk about things on my own. So that may be part of the issue. Not quite sure what to expect from the whole experience.
I figure it can't hurt, though.
Boston Recap
Had such a fun trip. I love traveling with my husband. He makes it so enjoyable. The only bad part about the trip was that it was cold. Ok- it was freezing. And we didn't pack for freezing. In my head- it was 65 and sunny. Except it was actually more like 45 degrees. We had a great time- we were tourists and rode segways. (My new favorite thing- seriously- they are so fun. You should try them.) Here is my I'm scared of the Segway picture:
But I got over it and it was super fun. We did a lot of eating- especially in the North End- Boston's Little Italy. The food was amazeballs. It's nice to spend time with J doing new fun things. I'm glad to be able to have these chances.
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