I am One in Eight.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I've been posting on Facebook this week about Infertility Awareness, Etiquette, Advocacy, etc. I feel like I'm out of the closet. I feel like I am so lucky to have a community of women who support me constantly.

And it makes me SO so so sad for those who suffer through this in silence and shame. So if you are out there and you are reading this- You too may be that one in eight couples who suffer from infertility. But YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

www.resolve.org

Shit My Husband Said

J and I had dinner with his brother and his brother's wife Saturday night. It was quite possibly one of the most embarrassing nights of my life.

Let me preface this with a little story... A little while back- J and I had a TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL conversation about donor sperm. I asked him how he would feel about using a donor if we had to go in that direction. Without even 5 SECONDS of thought- he said to me "Easy- I'll ask my brother."  :::blank stare::: Um, no thank you. I understand his reasoning- then our child would still have his family's gene's. But HOLY FREAKIN CREEPY. I told him that would really be something I'm not sure I could do. I just wasn't sure I would ever be able to get beyond the fact that it would be his brother's baby.  Obviously- being that the conversation was TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL- it was my first gut reaction.

So now you may realize where I'm going with this. So J decided after a little over a bottle of wine, that he should ask his brother (and his brother's wife, mind you) to be a donor for us. Without consulting me. While he was drunk. Over dinner. Enter the most awkward moment ever. J asking for sperm, my brother in law and his wife now making the :::blank stare::: face. I tried my hardest not to cry (I'm a little sensitive these days, I guess) and just tried to change the subject. Until he proceeded to tell them that we'd already talked about it and that I thought it was creepy.

Mortified doesn't even really come close to describing how I felt. Or how I still feel. I woke up the next morning to an email from my brother in law agreeing to donate sperm to us. Ugh. Unreal. I told J that I was upset and he laughed it off. We spent Sunday barely speaking. Today was much of the same. Tonight I finally had to tell him how upset I was. He told me he was sorry and then while I lay in bed crying, he rolled over and went to sleep.

Maybe it's just because I'm in kind of a bad place right now, but I have never felt so abandoned by him as I did tonight. Or discounted. Like my feelings didn't matter to him at all. And it's the saddest thing ever. I feel like I'm so fragile right now. And had you asked me last week, I would have told you that he was the only thing able to hold me together. This week? Can I say the same thing? I'm just not quite sure.

Therapy

I went to therapy yesterday. I guess it was good?? I have no frame of reference for what makes it good or not good. I guess I can't really tell after just one visit. I'm not entirely sure that I will click with this woman, but again- one visit is hard to make a judgement about. So for now I'll keep going.

I guess I didn't really think about what it was that I was looking for from the whole experience. Just to vent? Advice? No idea. I don't think it was just venting. I do that a lot and I feel like I talk about things on my own. So that may be part of the issue. Not quite sure what to expect from the whole experience.

I figure it can't hurt, though.

Boston Recap

Had such a fun trip. I love traveling with my husband. He makes it so enjoyable. The only bad part about the trip was that it was cold. Ok- it was freezing. And we didn't pack for freezing. In my head- it was 65 and sunny. Except it was actually more like 45 degrees. We had a great time- we were tourists and rode segways. (My new favorite thing- seriously- they are so fun. You should try them.) Here is my I'm scared of the Segway picture:

But I got over it and it was super fun. We did a lot of eating- especially in the North End- Boston's Little Italy. The food was amazeballs. It's nice to spend time with J doing new fun things. I'm glad to be able to have these chances. 

Happy Birthday to ME!

Happy Birthday to ME, Happy Birthday to ME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEE!!

I'm 34 today. I love my birthday. It's a whole day of being an attention whore. It's fabulous. I got amazing gifts for my birthday. My friend Brooke sent me a box full of sunshiney things including a new C for my collection and a beautiful bracelet that has an Emily Dickenson poem stamped into it. "Hope is a thing with feathers" and the inside reads "that perches in the soul". I love it and I love Brooke.

Two weeks ago J and I went to an art show and bought a piece of art- A Penny. I love it. It was delivered and is now hanging in my living room.

J came and had lunch with me at work and he gave me a very pretty black diamond necklace. A girl can never have too few diamonds, right? I bought myself new Tory Burch sunglasses and tomorrow we fly to Boston for a long weekend.

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am and how many people I have in my life that are so so good to me. So despite everything that is troubling me, I am such a lucky girl. I am so thankful for what I have. Especially my J. Without him, I would be nothing.

34 is going to be a good year.

FML

Those yahoos at work changed my work schedule. And they couldn't really have come up with worse hours if they tried. The hours only changed by one little hour, but in communing land- that's all it needs. I was already going into work super early just to avoid the traffic, but this will be terrible. I think the worst part is that I won't be home till likely 7:30 at night. That means it will be near impossible to do anything after work.

I'm applying like crazy for jobs. Hopefully something comes through.

Just My Luck

This weekend we spent time with some old friend's of J's. And I almost committed a felony. A legit felony. Because I almost strangled a man this weekend. More than once.

I can't even do the back story justice- it's way to long to type out, but I'll give you the highlights. J's friend M is married to a lady who looks like Mimi from the Drew Carey show. They have three kids together. And the poor kids are totally neglected. Neglected to the point where they have pretty severe behavioral problems. M left Mimi and the kids (but didn't get divorced) and is now with his new girlfriend and their child K. Stay with me- total of 4 kids. So Mimi and the first three are on welfare and food stamps because Mimi REFUSES to work. M doesn't see his first three kids because he and Mimi don't get along.

So this weekend I spent ALL.FREAKING.DAY. listening to him blame Mimi for all the problems the kids have. UM HELLO?!?! WHERE WERE YOU BUDDY??  His three kids are living in total squalor while he sits back blaming Mimi and doing nothing about it. Ugh. I swear I thought I was going to put a butter knife through his eye. Meanwhile his 5 year old is running around the Natural History Museum and he has no idea where she is half the time. Worst parent ever. For serious. I told J that I couldn't take any more and that he was SO lucky that I could just shut my mouth.

This guy has 4 kids. And we'll shell out thousands of dollars just to get a shot at one. Tell me please how that is fair.