I did my best.

I can now honestly say that I tried. I tried my best to get my weight down. As of this morning I was 2 points under the BMI limit. I exercised my ass off today and have been doing very low salt food, lots of veggies, and tons of water. So hopefully everything will work out in my favor and we can press on. And if not, then I'll keep going down this same path and I'll know for sure that next month I'll be ready.

Cross your fingers for me.

I think I failed.

I've taken exactly 7 birth control pills. ONLY 7.

And all week I've gained weight. I've been working out 5-6 days a week and not even cheating. I thought I was doing well. So it must be the birth control? Right? Water weight? W

I thought I'd be under the weight limit with no problem. But if I keep on this path- I won't make it. How humiliating will it be to get on the scale in front of the nurse and my husband and have her tell me that I'm too heavy. I don't think I can do that.

So what do I do now? Crash diet? Cleanse? J says don't do anything drastic and just see what happens.

I feel like a huge failure. I tried all this time and I failed. I moved the dates, and I failed. I hate my body. I hate the way I look. I hate that I can't just have one thing work out. I wish I could quit.

Gettin Poked

I started going to acupuncture again. I hope those little needles can help maintain my sanity over the next several weeks. I'm not really all that familiar with the science behind acupuncture, but I know that for me- it's very relaxing. I'm also hoping we can work a little bit on my arthritis issues and inflammation in general. So for now the plan is twice a week for a little while and we'll see where things go from there.

In other news-I hit a bit of a plateau in my weight loss, but it finally appears that I've broken through. FINALLY. Ugh. I'm almost down 24lbs. I would really like to hit 30 before starting stims.

3 pills down- 17 to go!

This actually happened to me today.

The very last thing we had to do before completing all our pre-IVF work was contact the Urologist and find out what his plan was for J. We had some conflicting reports so we just wanted everything to be square for scheduling purposes. J has left a message for the Uro and was waiting for a call back.

Side note: J and I bought my Mom a sound bar for her TV for Christmas. We haven't been able to hook it up because we needed an extra cable.

So being the very nice son-in-law that he is- J went up to my Mom's today to install the sound bar. They were just leaving lunch- sitting in the car- when the doctor called. And J talked to him. On Bluetooth speaker phone. With my Mom in the car. So Mom got an ear full about the sperm plans. Ugh.

J calls me at work to tell me the sperm plans. With my mom in the car. Ugh again.

The urologist wants J to do a repeat semen analysis. He's been on the Clo and some other vitamins- CoQ10 and ConceptionXR since September. He responded well to the Clo before so we're hoping it has helped now. He wants him to go see what's goin on with the boys and possibly freeze some sperm as a back up for IVF. The back up will allow us to not have to do any kind of surgical removal on the day of egg retrieval. (Do you hear J cheering in the background about that??) If the sample is good- they freeze. If not- then we'll have the urologist on stand by for egg retrieval day. So then after that- J will go the day before egg retrieval and give a sample and then also potentially the day of. It's a good plan.

So back to the awkward part. J says (still on speaker phone, still with my mom) that he should call them now and he'll just go over to the office and do the sample now. (Um, hi- are you just going to leave my MOM in the waiting room?). I then have to remind him that it's been far too long since he's ::clears throat:: cleared the pipes to provide a sample. While my Mom listened. Awesome.

So much for not telling anyone, huh? Repeat S/A is 1/23.

This is really happening.

So we're really going to do IVF. ::gulp::  I got my period today and shit got serious.

Sounds like a funny thing to put in a blog that's done nothing but bitch about waiting to do IVF, right? ha ha Turns out I'm REALLY good at talking about IVF, but I'm super mega nervous to actually go through with it. Part of it is that I'm irrationally afraid they will tell me I still need to lose weight. (I'm really fine- I just am a paranoid freak) but part of it is just the whole emotional roller coaster of it all and not knowing what to expect.

I got my calendar and I should expect a call from the pharmacy as early as the end of the week to set up med delivery. ::gulp again:: I will call tomorrow to set up my mock transfer and our injection class. Birth control starts on Wednesday and will go through the 29th of January.

I'm not telling anyone that we're doing this in real life- not my mom or anyone. So interwebz- it's just you and me through all this.

Here goes nothin.

2012- What I Learned

2012 didn't suck as much as 2011. I mean no one was in the hospital or had cancer so that's a bonus. I did loose my Playboy Bunny Folliea (RIP), but hopefully his/her brother/sister is just a few weeks in the future.

What I Learned in 2012

1. It is possible for me to be happy without a baby. It would suck A LOT at first, but I could do it.

2. I don't have to eat my feelings.

3. I feel better about myself when I exercise.

4. The future with my husband will be great. No clue what that future looks like right now, but no matter what- I know it will be great.

5. I love books. Fiction, Nonfiction, cheesy, serious. I did a ton of reading this year and it was awesome. I alllllmost made it to 100 books. Next year I will fo sho.

6. I have great, great friends. Amazing people around me to share my life with. I appreciate them more than they could ever understand.

7. I wouldn't be sad if we didn't have cable. I watch very little TV.

8. If a baby isn't in the cards for us- I'm indulging in a personal trainer.

9. I will 1000% die a little bit on the inside when my mother dies. We are getting ready to move into her house with her and have been helping to clean out her attic and basement. Going through her things is so depressing and only makes me think of what I'll have to do when she dies. I did the ugly cry.

10. I am STILL learning how to deal with infertility.

2013, please be awesome. I have high hopes for you.

Merry-ish Christmas

This is *exactly* what I think my Boo Kitty says when he puts on his Santa costume. LOL 

I know it's not Christmas yet- but it's going to be a busy two days coming up. I was looking back at my Christmas Blogs from 2010 and 2011 and they are drastically different. 2010 still seems happy and upbeat. 2011 (post cancer, 2 years of IF) is far more depressing. And again this year I've had a really hard time getting any kind of holiday spirit. Like every year- this is by far the most super mega busy time of the year at work. I've been working like a freak of nature. J is still home (Dear Santa, Please bring J a start date. kthxbai.) so he's been doing all the Christmas business- decorating the house, the tree, wrapping gifts- everything. I kind of boycotted the whole holiday. I usually even love Christmas music- this year- meh. Not really. 

I thought 2012 was going to be our year. I thought it would have a different outcome. Yet here I sit, writing a verrrry similar post to last year. I know we're closer than we were last year. I know we'll really get our shot at having a baby. I know that will happen sooner than I expect. It all just feels like something that I can only talk about. When I really thought I was starting birth control for real- I had total internal panic. So as much as I want this year to end, I'm so afraid of how hard the next year may be. 

J and I went on a little date last night. He took me to dinner and a yummy restaurant called Basin's. And then we went to see the Christmas light display at the Botanical Gardens. And while we walked- we made a pact. This is our last year of this. If we don't have a baby or if I'm not pregnant by next Christmas- we'll just decide to be done. We'll just live as regular married people. I'm happy that there is an ending point. One way or the other- I'm ready to put this all behind us. 

Merry Christmas Bloggy Friends. I hope next year is better for all of us.