This is really happening.

So we're really going to do IVF. ::gulp::  I got my period today and shit got serious.

Sounds like a funny thing to put in a blog that's done nothing but bitch about waiting to do IVF, right? ha ha Turns out I'm REALLY good at talking about IVF, but I'm super mega nervous to actually go through with it. Part of it is that I'm irrationally afraid they will tell me I still need to lose weight. (I'm really fine- I just am a paranoid freak) but part of it is just the whole emotional roller coaster of it all and not knowing what to expect.

I got my calendar and I should expect a call from the pharmacy as early as the end of the week to set up med delivery. ::gulp again:: I will call tomorrow to set up my mock transfer and our injection class. Birth control starts on Wednesday and will go through the 29th of January.

I'm not telling anyone that we're doing this in real life- not my mom or anyone. So interwebz- it's just you and me through all this.

Here goes nothin.

2012- What I Learned

2012 didn't suck as much as 2011. I mean no one was in the hospital or had cancer so that's a bonus. I did loose my Playboy Bunny Folliea (RIP), but hopefully his/her brother/sister is just a few weeks in the future.

What I Learned in 2012

1. It is possible for me to be happy without a baby. It would suck A LOT at first, but I could do it.

2. I don't have to eat my feelings.

3. I feel better about myself when I exercise.

4. The future with my husband will be great. No clue what that future looks like right now, but no matter what- I know it will be great.

5. I love books. Fiction, Nonfiction, cheesy, serious. I did a ton of reading this year and it was awesome. I alllllmost made it to 100 books. Next year I will fo sho.

6. I have great, great friends. Amazing people around me to share my life with. I appreciate them more than they could ever understand.

7. I wouldn't be sad if we didn't have cable. I watch very little TV.

8. If a baby isn't in the cards for us- I'm indulging in a personal trainer.

9. I will 1000% die a little bit on the inside when my mother dies. We are getting ready to move into her house with her and have been helping to clean out her attic and basement. Going through her things is so depressing and only makes me think of what I'll have to do when she dies. I did the ugly cry.

10. I am STILL learning how to deal with infertility.

2013, please be awesome. I have high hopes for you.

Merry-ish Christmas

This is *exactly* what I think my Boo Kitty says when he puts on his Santa costume. LOL 

I know it's not Christmas yet- but it's going to be a busy two days coming up. I was looking back at my Christmas Blogs from 2010 and 2011 and they are drastically different. 2010 still seems happy and upbeat. 2011 (post cancer, 2 years of IF) is far more depressing. And again this year I've had a really hard time getting any kind of holiday spirit. Like every year- this is by far the most super mega busy time of the year at work. I've been working like a freak of nature. J is still home (Dear Santa, Please bring J a start date. kthxbai.) so he's been doing all the Christmas business- decorating the house, the tree, wrapping gifts- everything. I kind of boycotted the whole holiday. I usually even love Christmas music- this year- meh. Not really. 

I thought 2012 was going to be our year. I thought it would have a different outcome. Yet here I sit, writing a verrrry similar post to last year. I know we're closer than we were last year. I know we'll really get our shot at having a baby. I know that will happen sooner than I expect. It all just feels like something that I can only talk about. When I really thought I was starting birth control for real- I had total internal panic. So as much as I want this year to end, I'm so afraid of how hard the next year may be. 

J and I went on a little date last night. He took me to dinner and a yummy restaurant called Basin's. And then we went to see the Christmas light display at the Botanical Gardens. And while we walked- we made a pact. This is our last year of this. If we don't have a baby or if I'm not pregnant by next Christmas- we'll just decide to be done. We'll just live as regular married people. I'm happy that there is an ending point. One way or the other- I'm ready to put this all behind us. 

Merry Christmas Bloggy Friends. I hope next year is better for all of us. 

New Outlook

When I first found out that I had to lose weight, I was pretty upset. Well, more like embarrassed  And I guess disappointed with myself. And now I'm so thankful that I was properly motivated to change my ways. It was long, long overdue. So I'm trying to have a new outlook about all this dieting/eating business. And I'm learning a few things along the way.

Things I've Learned:
1. I like Brussel Sprouts.
2. Most vegetables taste good. And even better with red pepper flakes on them. Spicy vegetables!
3. I feel better both mentally and physically when I exercise.
4. Generally speaking- no food that I KNOW I shouldn't be eating is worth the guilt that comes afterward.

I'm making strides and I am really happy that I've turned over this new leaf. I also really like that I have something to focus on that isn't related to making a baby. It's time for some new goals for myself.

New Goals:
1. Weigh less than my husband.
2. Lose 10% of my body weight.
3. Exercise 5 days a week, every week.
4. Shop at Ann Taylor Loft again.

All reasonable. All not so far away. I can do this.

SKjfsjwioefsdkjclkJSLKDFJiejf!!!!!!

I was going to update yesterday to tell everyone in Blog-Land that I was starting birth control AGAIN, but for realzies this time. We were all set to cycle in early January. And before I could even write the post- it was already changed.

The financial lady called me and said they were having problems getting insurance authorization and that in order to move forward and schedule the cycle, we would have to sign something agreeing to pay out of pocket if they couldn't work it out. They warned us that in the past, people have been billed, and then had to submit for payment on their own. And all of that sounds like not anything we want to deal with. So we've decided once again to wait. I'm a waiting expert.

This all feels fake. Like we're just going to keep talking about doing it, but we won't realllly try. I have such low expectations now. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and just quit, but I know I'll regret not trying.

Holiday Blues

I haven't been blogging so much. I just have no real news lately. I'm just dieting and working. I'm technically under the BMI limit for IVF, so I've got that down and my full intention is to keep dropping lbs until January rolls around.

I can't get Christmasy. My decorations are up. My tree is bright. I haven't bought a thing. I have no desire to shop. I hate this time of year. Everyone making cards with family pictures, putting up their Elf on a Shelf, talking about Santa. And for the third year in a row, I wonder if this will be our last year without a baby. It's only the 6th and I'm already ready for it to be next year. BLAH. Just let it end quickly.

More Progress

Just chugging along. No news is good news, for now. I really need to step up my exercise efforts. I feel like I've got a handle on the food now that I'm a few weeks in. I think I really need to get down another 10-15lbs to feel like I'm really in the safe zone. We leave to go on vacation on Saturday- a week in the Bahamas. Yessssssssss. I can't wait!

Today we celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary. I'm so lucky to have J as my husband. Despite everything we've been through, I can't imagine one day without him and I hope year number 4 is our best yet.