I've mixed meds, done like a bazillion shots, but taking a pregnancy test- a total mystery to me. Ugh. I haven't done this for serious in a long time. I acted like SUCH a NOOB today. I woke up, POAS, saw that the test was stark white and pitched it. An hour later- I saw this. See that SUPER faint line? My internet friends saw it too. And I have NO FREAKIN CLUE WHEN IT ARRIVED?!?! UGGGHHH! How could I do this to myself???
So now I wait. I wait to pee tomorrow. I went out and bought First Response tests today.
I usually hate John Mayer. Ok, well I don't hate him, but he's so annoying. I heard this song and it reminded me of J. It sounds like something he would say to me when I found out someone else was pregnant, or when IVF #1 failed. He's the best. My J- not John Mayer, that is. Mayer's just ok.
My favorite lyrics:
You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then, circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good.
Fun's Carry On
I'm really lucky to have just about the best little group of interwebz friends EV-ER. 75 women who have stuck by me through all kinds of bullshit. They are pretty amazing. My friend Kati (you can find her blog here) made a little tribute video for our 75 and this song was in it. It's just about the best song for a sunny day with all your windows down and singing at the top of your lungs. Wanna see the video? It's super mega awesome. Click HERE.
Introducing Mary Lou Reton (on the left) and Reggie Boop (on the right).
We transferred these beauties today- Mary Lou is a highly graded expanded blast (a gold medal winner, clearly) and Reggie Boop is just a hair behind Mary Lou. Transfer went perfectly and both my RE and the doc that did the transfer said we should be very optimistic. Beta is scheduled for May 14th. I'll never make it until then. I'll b\pee on all the sticks long before then.
All 8 were mature. Seven fertilized. SEVEN! As of yesterday- they were all 4 cells and growing normally. We were pushed to a 5 day transfer on Tuesday. HELLO RELIEF! So much better than last cycle.
I haven't posted much about this IVF cycle. Well haven't posted anything about it. I feel like I talked SO much about the last cycle that it made it so consuming. Then having it fail, learning of my DOR diagnosis, and having to tell EVERYONE that we talked with about it that it didn't work made me go into the closet with this one. My interwebz friends know what's going on as well as a very few select and wonderful people in real life. And that was enough for me this go around. I just didn't want to update everyone every single day and talk about it non stop. I think it would have made me batty.
So here's my update all in one post! We maxed out on stims from day 1. And lemme tell ya, that's a lot of drugs. LOTS. Thank goodness for insurance cause I probably blew through $8,000 in drugs this cycle. Yikes! Things started out slowly- but started improving relative to last cycle. My e2 levels were rising better, my follicle counts were higher, my attitude was better. We triggered Tuesday and had retrieval today.
8 eggs! Holy Shit! 8! I was hoping for anything over 4, but I was so relieved when the nurse told me 8. I'm in quite a bit more pain today than last time, but I'm taking my vicoden and rolling with it. I'm going to go into work tomorrow and just see how I feel. I should get the fert report tomorrow as well. At my last monitoring appointment on Tuesday they were all really close in size so I'm hoping that will lead to high numbers of mature eggs. J was also scheduled for a surgical extraction of sperm as a back up this morning and based on the SA from yesterday and the fact that we have frozen sperm as a back up- it was cancelled and we were told it wasn't necessary. So far- all good news. We're planning for a 3 day transfer on Sunday unless we hear otherwise.
Cross everything. Everything you have. I'm dangerously hopeful.
Can't you sense the excitement? I have been neglecting the blog. But it's just cause I've been doing nothing. Well not nothing- I turned 35. We hit the three year mark of trying to have a baby. A good friend who just got married in October is having a baby. Yeah.
We're starting IVF again. I did my first injection this morning. My heart isn't in it this time. I guess I just have so little hope that it will really work that I just can't get into it. I can't seem to care about this. I go for monitoring on Tuesday. I'm just hoping that if I can see that there's been some growth, then maybe I'll get into it. Maybe?
We've registered for an adoption seminar in mid-May. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that yet either.
I'm left with sad thoughts of what happens if J and I end up alone. We would have a great life- I'm sure we would. I just don't want to always be sad about this- always feel like something is missing, wish we had tried again just one more time. I guess being in the middle of all of this still leaves all these feelings unresolved. And that part sucks.
J has always said he's not into adoption. He said he couldn't think about that until we had really run out of options to have biological children. When we were going through the whole donor sperm ordeal, I learned that he has a strong need to have biological children, and I get that. So up until now, adoption has been off the table for us.
When we got the news about the DOR diagnosis, it became a real possibility that with only two tries left at IVF, that biological children may not be in the cards for us. So one night after the news of the DOR, we were having dinner and J tells me that he thinks we need to start thinking about adoption. I was happily surprised. I was glad that he was the one to bring it up and not me. We're not totally sold yet, but we agree that we need to start educating ourselves about adoption and figuring out if it's right for us. There is so much to learn- it's all very overwhelming. But I got myself a book and found some good resources in other girls that have adopted in the recent past. I'm hopeful that IVF isn't the end of our journey.
Meanwhile we're getting closer to IVF #2 and I'm not so excited about it. I guess I've been stripped of a lot of the hope I had for IVF and now it just feels like we're going through the motions. I guess time will tell.
