Adoption Talk

This past weekend J brought up adoption. If you've read my posts lately, you'll see why this was like the worst timing ever. In the past, I would have been so happy to talk about this stuff with him. But my emotional tank is on a big fat E lately. I can't even imagine talking about adoption. That is like a whole world that I know nothing about.

Don't take this the wrong way- I was adopted myself and love the idea of adoption, but there is SO much I don't know about the process that I can't even think about starting to think about all that.

I also think that he wants to talk adoption because of my recent freak outs. I'm pretty sure he thinks that the next few months and then IVF will end with me in a padded room, crying and rocking. His solution? Let's adopt! For reals- I hate this shit.

Admitting Defeat?

Maybe it's just being proactive? Yes. Let's call it that.

Did a lot of thinking this weekend. And well I had yet another melt down. I had full intentions of attending the 3rd birthday party of a friend of mine from college's son. And I just couldn't make myself go. I had a panic attack about 30 minutes before we were supposed to leave and ended up crying in my bed. J seriously has no idea what to do with me when this happens. And I think it's really starting to freak him out too. On top of that- I think my most recent string of unhappiness comes from more than just all this infertility business.

I'm pretty unhappy with my weight lately. My eating habits have gone right into the shitter. So that is the first change. I need to get moving and I need to start changing the way I eat. Pronto. I've been making 1000 excuses in my head about why I haven't started doing this, but now there is no excuse anymore. I need to get my act together.

I've decided to try therapy. My anxiety is getting worse and worse. And I'm MONTHS away from treatment. I think that rather than let myself spiral away, that I should try to be a bit proactive and learn to manage things as we go. I'm going to call two people from my insurance website and see where I get with that. Ugh.

A long week

Lots of updates.

1. I had a big huge super mega embarrassing melt down in the mall food court last weekend. This whole time I've been firmly in the camp of "Don't get upset about babies and pregnant people. They are everywhere and you can't hide from them." And that works out for me most of the time. Last Saturday, I woke up in a bad mood and J and I had to get a birthday gift for a friend. SO to the mall we went. He wanted a drink so as he's at the food court paying for his drink- I suddenly felt surrounded by strollers and babies and pregnant ladies. And I stood there crying. In the food court. J turns around with drink in hand and looks at me like I'm a complete and total crazycakes. One of my finer moments. Ugh. I hate this shit.

2. Got a job offer this week that for a while seemed pretty good- until I got the paperwork via email and realized that they wanted me to be a consultant (on a temporary basis...) at a 1099 rate that would have put me about 30k down from my current W2 rate. Um, thanks- but no thanks. Back to the search.

3. J went back to the Uro. SA is scheduled for April 13th. Friday the 13th. I know that shouldn't matter, but why fuck with karma?? We stood at the desk at the RE's office making the appointment and picking up the little cups and made sperm jokes with the lady there. Uncomfortable? Not at the RE's office. Anywho- Depending on SA and blood work, he'll go back on the same cocktail as last time. Please let there be live sperm.

4. After the Uro, we had dinner with my sister and her family. I love my nephew and my niece. I have a hard time tolerating my sister and her parenting techniques. Ugh.

So it's been a week. My birthday is coming up and we're taking a trip to Boston. I'm already looking forward to the time off of work. My job is slowly sucking my will to live these days.

A Good Anniversary

1 year ago today I found out that I have Thyroid Cancer.

And today I AM CANCER FREE!!

Thyroid Cancer, you can SUCK A FAT ONE.

The Uphill Ride

Click, Click, Click...

The ride up the giant IVF hill has begun. I talked to my IVF nurse today for the first time since I found out that I had cancer. She was just as nice as she was when we were first cycling. She wanted to know how I was feeling and how J was doing. She was so happy to hear that I am now cancer free. She's excited to hear that we are cycling again. It was nice to hear someone be optimistic.

J goes next week for another semen analysis. The first since surgery. Let the anxiety begin.

2 Years Deep

And nothing to show for it. ::sigh::

About a year ago I made THIS post. And here I am another year in and still in the same place. Nothing to show for it. My level of anxiety about the future of our family (or lack there of???) is on the rise. I'm terrified of IVF and what will happen if it doesn't work. I'm terrified of all the decisions we'll have to make. I'm afraid of having testing done after what they found the last time. It's all so overwhelming. And even though we're months away from actually starting- the time will go quickly and then I'll have to face it. I'll have to face the possibility of things not going well.

I never thought I would have gone through all of this. You know when you go up the big hill on a roller coaster and you can hear that click click click all the way up the hill? I hate that part. And it seems like it takes so long to get up that hill for such a short ride. That is what this feels like- the hill is HUGE and the ride to the top is so long. It's been a whole year of click click click all the way up to the top. What happens when I get to the top? Will I like the ride? Will it make me sick? And then how does it end?

Too many questions. So much unknown. It's terrifying. But I have no choice, right?

IVF Update

So when was the last time you saw one of these? It's been a while.

It's odd to even be thinking about this stuff for real. I mean we're creeping up on our 2 year anniversary of trying to have a baby. (FML) and I feel like just NOW we're even getting a shot to maybe do this for real.

So after my trip to the endocrinologist last week- it looks like we are heading for an August or September IVF cycle. I have one thyroid cancer hurdle to make it over- my thyrogen challenge. That consists of two shots of thyrogen and blood work. If there is still cancer floating around somewhere, the thyrogen will stimulate a marker in my blood. If that comes back negative, I'll just have an ultrasound of my neck and be on my merry IVF having way. I've scheduled that test for right after July 4th. It looks like I'm going to have to repeat all our testing (HSG, etc.) so I inquired about all of that stuff and if I could do that ahead of time. If there was a chance that my blood work would come back showing signs of cancer, I would have to have another iodine scan. If I had my HSG (which uses iodine dye), and then ended up needed another scan- it could delay the timing of the scan. So he told me to hold off on the HSG until after he can confirm that no further scan is needed.

On the sperm side of the house- J will go back to the Uro at the end of the month. It's been soooooo long since he's made love to the plastic cup and it's time to see how the boys are doing. He's lost about 115lbs since his last SA. I'm anxious to find out if that had any impact on his sperm count. If not- he'll go back to his little Clomid/Arimidex cocktail ad we'll see how that goes.