When I Grow Up

When I grow up, I want to be a ______________.

You'd think that when I was rounding the corner to 34 that I'd be able to fill in that blank. But yeah, no clue. When I was in my early 20's, I would have told you that I wanted to do research. Psychological research. And then I would have said that eventually, somewhere along the way, I'd like to have a family.

With all the job hating that's been going on recently, J and I have had a lot of conversation about where my job/career is going. Is this a time to think about making a change? Can we afford that? How does that change our plan? I've been up way past my bed time tonight thinking about this. I got a call for an interview tomorrow. It's pretty much the same kind of job that I have now. They promised me at least at $10,000 raise. But it's in the city. And I'm dreading even going to the interview. I'm dreading it because they will throw a bunch of money at me and ask me to come work for them. And then I'll have to fill in that blank up there.

So through all this- what I've been thinking about is my stupid infertility. Do you plan your life around something that doesn't exist yet? Something that may never exist? Or do you charge forward as if that thing wasn't what you really want most? Will that 2 hour commute to the city wreck my family life? Will I have a family life? Will I have a family?

Now that I'm in my 30's (almost mid-30's YIKES) and you asked me to fill in the blank, my first answer is that I want to be a Mom. And a $10,000 raise isn't worth compromising that goal or making it any harder than it already is.

A Not Mean Post About Christmas

Christmas was great. Or great-ish. The part with J was great. He is really the best gift giver on the planet. I am spoiled. I got a beautiful diamond and pearl necklace. He is amazeballs. He suggested that we go to Maryland early to go to church with my Mom. It was really the best gift she got. I think she appreciated us being there more than anything. And my ex-boyfriends parents sat next to her- awkward.

Then we baked cookies and got the food ready. My sister swooped in with the kids. Oh my sweet little nephew. I love him to pieces. He's almost 2 and is talking and saying Santa and Merry Christmas and Ho Ho Ho. He wants you to read books to him. He melts my heart. It's so much fun to see Christmas through their eyes.

My mom gave us a ridiculous amount of money for Christmas. And even without her telling me, I know she did it because she spends so much on my sister's kids and she feels like she has to even the score. She's so generous, but all it did was remind me that we have no kids.

I'm desperately hoping that next year's Christmas post will be different.

An Actual Christmas Conversation

A little back story: My sister, C, has two kids. I got diamonds for Christmas from J. (I know, he's kind of awesome)

I was on the phone with my sister today asking her about what her plans were for the day.

J was talking with my mom.

My mom: "C is jealous that you get Kathy diamonds for Christmas."

J: "Kathy would gladly trade everything in the universe for her two kids."

And THAT is why I married J.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Dear Santa,

What would I like from Santa this year? Really- I just want the year to end. I sit here after working 60 hours in 4 days and when I think about Christmas, I'd just like it to be over. I'm having a hard time finding any joy in the holidays this year. My job has managed to suck the life out of me in the last three weeks. I've been cranky and pretty miserable.

Next year has to be better, right? What is worse than finding out you have cancer? Please please please- don't let it get worse than that. I'm trying not to live my life 6 months in advance, but I'm semi-terrified of the roller coaster ahead of me. Terrified that things won't work out yet again and that I'll spend another Christmas being sad about how the year turned out.

So Santa, you can skip the presents. Just bring me a fresh start.

Ornament Exchanage

On the message board I am active on- 3T- we did a holiday ornament exchange. I got this awesome package in the mail today from Emily. Orange sparkly ornaments and homemade english toffee! SCORE! The ornaments glow with the lights on the tree. I love orange- it's my absolute favorite. I really think that there is something awesome about snail mail. Even when you kind of know it's coming. It seems like it arrives exactly on the day you need it. I love you 3T girls. <3

A Few Things

I'm seriously a blogging slacker. SORRY!

1. I took a mental health day from work yesterday. I was in a total panic about not having time to get everything I need to get done accomplished at home so I stayed home and did all of it. And now I'm in a total panic about getting all my work done at work. I can't win.

2. I've learned that my husband shops for toys specifically for the purpose of torturing my cat.

3. I'm desperately seeking a job working for Uncle Sam. Anyone got a hook up??

4. I spent last weekend with my high school friends. I'm hoping that we'll spend one weekend together every Christmas season. I'm so thankful to have them in my life.

5. I hate myself for not doing picture Christmas cards this year. They are so much less work. Totally selfish reason for doing it, but the truth.

6. J is giving me a complex about Christmas. There are about 10 things under the tree for me. Show off!

7. Pretty sure I'm going to fail at my reading challenge this year. I'm reading like a freak trying to catch up. 50 books in a year doesn't sound like a lot, but holy shiz it really is.

8. We're going to J's company Christmas party this weekend. They are putting us up in a hotel. I'm getting wasted and having hotel sex. Trust.

9. I have spent the entire day fighting the urge to cry. Why? No reason really. Just general life suckage.

10. I'm newly addicted to playing Hangin with Friends. Like Words With Friends, but hangman. Wanna play? I'm Kathy4678.

Holiday Travel

I'm going to Maine. Humph.

I went to work last week and was told that I would be going to Maine on December 12 and would be gone until Christmas and then back to Maine in January. I was pissed. No one asked me if I could travel, if I had plans. Nothing. I went into a panic thinking about how I was going to finish Christmas shopping and holiday stuff before leaving. J's family was doing Christmas on an "off" day this year since my Brother in law's family was traveling to Michigan for Christmas. I made them change the day of their celebration so I could be there. And I resigned myself to two weeks in Maine. The travel side aside- the job I'll be doing in Maine blows. I'll be working in a call center. It's a job they could train anyone off the street to do. It's a huge slap in the face from my supervisors.

I went to work the next day and was told that all the plans had changed and I would be flying to Maine on the 28th and would be spending the new year there and coming home the following week. After I had rearranged my whole life. Awesome.

That was last week. Travel arrangements still haven't been made. Nothing is final. There is a solid chance that I'll be ringing in the New Year in Maine. Alone. Working. In a call center. Seems so appropriate considering the year I've had, right?

Needless to say- the job hunt is ON.