I've decided that I need a new job.
I work for a verrrry small (like 35-ish employees) company. I came to work here a year ago and when I did- I loved working for a small company. Don't get me wrong- I like my job. But now everything in my life has changed. IVF happened, and then Cancer happened. And it has really made me think about my benefits. I realized that I have no short term disability benefits. So next week when I'm out because of having surgery- I won't be paid. I'm technically not even covered by FMLA. And all of that is making me more and more nervous.
So now I'm actually PAYING to have cancer. Awesome.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Where's my Chance?
So a little update.
I met with the surgeon and a new endocrinologist that specializes in Endocrine Oncology at Washington Hospital Center. The good news- surgery is scheduled for Friday, April 8th. The surgeon was kind enough to explain all the risks including potentially losing my voice for a while or not being able to yell ever again. All in all, not bad. I'll be in the hospital overnight and out of work the entire following week. The not so great news- new endo (who I really like, ps) thinks that I will need to have radiation iodine treatment. That current assumption is based on the size of the nodules and the fact that there are more than one. The final decision about whether or not I'll actually need to have that done is based on the pathology reports after surgery. The shitty news- radiation iodine treatment means IVF is off the table for a year after it is completed.
I feel like when you go through infertility- it takes away all the good parts of trying to have a baby. It becomes a job or a chore. It becomes this huge source of stress instead of this amazing thing you and your husband share. You put your body and your relationship and your finances through this huge thing and at the end of it- all you really get is a chance. And now it seems like the chance has been taken away too. I was already really having trouble dealing with the stress of IVF and all it brings with it, but now knowing that I'll have to sit back and wait is very hard and very sad. I don't want to spend the next year being sad every time someone I know has a baby or get pregnant. I don't want that to be my first reaction. And I'm not sure how to stop that quite yet.
So for now, I guess I just have to somehow try to see the good in this. I will be fine and I will survive having cancer. For now I just have to hope I'll get my chance one day.
And if you read all that- you get this:
I met with the surgeon and a new endocrinologist that specializes in Endocrine Oncology at Washington Hospital Center. The good news- surgery is scheduled for Friday, April 8th. The surgeon was kind enough to explain all the risks including potentially losing my voice for a while or not being able to yell ever again. All in all, not bad. I'll be in the hospital overnight and out of work the entire following week. The not so great news- new endo (who I really like, ps) thinks that I will need to have radiation iodine treatment. That current assumption is based on the size of the nodules and the fact that there are more than one. The final decision about whether or not I'll actually need to have that done is based on the pathology reports after surgery. The shitty news- radiation iodine treatment means IVF is off the table for a year after it is completed.
I feel like when you go through infertility- it takes away all the good parts of trying to have a baby. It becomes a job or a chore. It becomes this huge source of stress instead of this amazing thing you and your husband share. You put your body and your relationship and your finances through this huge thing and at the end of it- all you really get is a chance. And now it seems like the chance has been taken away too. I was already really having trouble dealing with the stress of IVF and all it brings with it, but now knowing that I'll have to sit back and wait is very hard and very sad. I don't want to spend the next year being sad every time someone I know has a baby or get pregnant. I don't want that to be my first reaction. And I'm not sure how to stop that quite yet.
So for now, I guess I just have to somehow try to see the good in this. I will be fine and I will survive having cancer. For now I just have to hope I'll get my chance one day.
And if you read all that- you get this:
Friday, April 1, 2011
Infertility on TV
I've not been blogging a lot lately. I'm pretty boring this week. Next week brings the real excitement. Anywho......
Lots of TV shows talk about how hard it is to have a baby. Like stupid Teen Mom. Grrrrr...I want to throat punch all those girls. But rarely do you see a show that talks about how hard it is to NOT have a baby.
I got this email from a good friend so remember- I'm paraphrasing.
Meredith Grey: "Yesterday at that baby shower I was jealous of Callie because she got pregnant without trying. And, we try. I get shots, I take my temperature, I put my legs in the air. And nothing... The universe says, 'Screw you, Meredith'. And, then gives Callie a kid. And, then puts Callie through a windshield. I mean, what the hell is going on? What's the point. I mean, is there a reason for this? Because if you can think of a reason, any reason at all why the universe is so screwed up and random and mean, now would be an amazingly good time to tell me because I really need some answers."
Dr. McDreamy: "I will make sure we have a baby. One way or another. You and I will be parents. I promise you."
SO- Grey's Anatomy- Win for talking about IF on TV. HUGE fail for trying to make your show in to a musical. Thank God I didn't see this on TV or there would have been a lot of ugly cry involved.
And another big thank you to my friend Sarsy for always thinking of me. Love you.
Lots of TV shows talk about how hard it is to have a baby. Like stupid Teen Mom. Grrrrr...I want to throat punch all those girls. But rarely do you see a show that talks about how hard it is to NOT have a baby.
I got this email from a good friend so remember- I'm paraphrasing.
Meredith Grey: "Yesterday at that baby shower I was jealous of Callie because she got pregnant without trying. And, we try. I get shots, I take my temperature, I put my legs in the air. And nothing... The universe says, 'Screw you, Meredith'. And, then gives Callie a kid. And, then puts Callie through a windshield. I mean, what the hell is going on? What's the point. I mean, is there a reason for this? Because if you can think of a reason, any reason at all why the universe is so screwed up and random and mean, now would be an amazingly good time to tell me because I really need some answers."
Dr. McDreamy: "I will make sure we have a baby. One way or another. You and I will be parents. I promise you."
SO- Grey's Anatomy- Win for talking about IF on TV. HUGE fail for trying to make your show in to a musical. Thank God I didn't see this on TV or there would have been a lot of ugly cry involved.
And another big thank you to my friend Sarsy for always thinking of me. Love you.
Friday, March 25, 2011
2 week wait
I'm in the middle of a whole new two week wait. Two weeks from now I won't have a thyroid. Let's just get this freakin show on the road.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
In a Funk.
People keep asking me how I'm doing. My answer- Just ok. That's about as good as it gets right now. Just ok. This week has really sucked and I'm in the middle of a week long pity party.
In my head, I know things will be alright. I know I won't die from thyroid cancer. But in my heart- I feel like the universe had royally fucked me over one time too many. One bad thing, I can understand. But really- why do I get what feels like *NOTHING* but bad things in my life? Infertility is so hard to deal with. I really had just come to terms with having to go through IVF and all of the really difficult issues that come along with that. One week before going on birth control and I find out I have cancer. CANCER. WTF? Seriously. My life is sucking right now.
SO what do you do when your life is sucking? You cry. A lot. During the day, I'm ok. I guess I'm just distracted by work. But at night- I'm a hot mess. My poor husband and I have been up late every night cause I can't hold my shit together. I've had this post saved for a while now. I've even thought about deleting it. But I decided to post it because I decided that I'm ALLOWED to not have my shit together for a little while. It won't be for the rest of eternity.
So whatever. I'm still just ok, but a little better than before.
In my head, I know things will be alright. I know I won't die from thyroid cancer. But in my heart- I feel like the universe had royally fucked me over one time too many. One bad thing, I can understand. But really- why do I get what feels like *NOTHING* but bad things in my life? Infertility is so hard to deal with. I really had just come to terms with having to go through IVF and all of the really difficult issues that come along with that. One week before going on birth control and I find out I have cancer. CANCER. WTF? Seriously. My life is sucking right now.
SO what do you do when your life is sucking? You cry. A lot. During the day, I'm ok. I guess I'm just distracted by work. But at night- I'm a hot mess. My poor husband and I have been up late every night cause I can't hold my shit together. I've had this post saved for a while now. I've even thought about deleting it. But I decided to post it because I decided that I'm ALLOWED to not have my shit together for a little while. It won't be for the rest of eternity.
So whatever. I'm still just ok, but a little better than before.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Worst Period Ever
I got my period today. It's the period that I've been waiting to start for months. The only period I've been waiting to start. It was supposed to be the period that would start my first IVF cycle.
Instead of IVF, I'm starting treatment for thryoid cancer. ::sigh::
Instead of IVF, I'm starting treatment for thryoid cancer. ::sigh::
Friday, March 18, 2011
Tentative Plans
I went from having an amazing IVF nurse to have an amazing nurse at the new endo. VERY lucky.
My friend D hooked me up with a woman, Cyndi, at the new Endo's office. She has taken care of everything and now there is a plan!
I have an appointment with Dr. W (new endo who only take cancer patients) and the surgeon Dr. C on April 4th. (5 weeks earlier than they told me I could get in...awesomesauce) I have to have another ultrasound to make sure that the lymph nodes around my thyroid are all normal and don't need to come out as well.
I have a tentative surgery date of April 8th. In theory that means that this could all be over by the end of June! Not terrible. More waiting, but not terrible.
My friend D hooked me up with a woman, Cyndi, at the new Endo's office. She has taken care of everything and now there is a plan!
I have an appointment with Dr. W (new endo who only take cancer patients) and the surgeon Dr. C on April 4th. (5 weeks earlier than they told me I could get in...awesomesauce) I have to have another ultrasound to make sure that the lymph nodes around my thyroid are all normal and don't need to come out as well.
I have a tentative surgery date of April 8th. In theory that means that this could all be over by the end of June! Not terrible. More waiting, but not terrible.
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