Mother's Day

I didn't really give this much thought until this morning when Facebook vomitted Happy Mother's Day wishes all over me.

And then I got a little sad. Fvck Infertilty.

Plan B Sperm

In my head, I've decided that in a year- we won't need IVF. Too hopeful? Maybe. But who cares. I have a year to wait so I'll just spend it being delusional about my future sperm prognosis. Mmmmkay?

But just in case- plan B is to freeze the boys. JC has a very romantic appointment at the RE today so we can freeze sperm. Back up sperm. Cause I won't need them.

Side Note: I've directed him to ask for the count. Just curious, that's all.

What's good for the goose...

Is good for the gander? Isn't that the saying?

I'm hoping that JC having weight loss surgery will be good for me too. I had gastric bypass almost 4 years ago and in the last 3 years have managed to put on 40lbs. There. I said it. 40lbs. I'm hoping that he'll be in charge of what he needs to eat and I can be in charge of what I need to eat and that eventually we'll meet in the middle somewhere.

I'm also looking foward to starting to try new things for exercise. JC wants to canoe and hike this summer. Once this surgery and RAI is over, we'll have a good year of trying new things together to look foward to. It's nice to have good things ahead for once.

Tour de Food

So surgery for JC is May 9th. Starting Monday the 2nd- he's on a full liquid diet. So we spent the week prior on what I called the "Tour de Food". We ate our way through each night of the week- including a trip to Morton's Steakhouse- and I was ready to vomit by Saturday.

Pizza, wings, steak...all of it. Thank god it's over! I am done eating.

I think JC going on this little adventure is good for me too. I'll be able to cook for just myself for quite sometime and hopefully it will help me get my weight back under control.

I'm tired of hospitals.

So more surgery in our house. Except not for me this time. Since we didn't have anything else going on recently (insert sarcasm here), JC decided this would be the best time for him to have surgery. So he is going to have RNY Gastric Bypass Surgery- weight loss surgery. The same kind that I had almost four years ago now. JC has pretty bad gastric reflux disease and 2 years ago they found pre-cancerous cells in his esophagus. He also has a hiatal hernia. So the combination makes for not a good situation. The surgery will essentially cure the reflux disease by removing the part of his stomach that produces most of the acid. The hernia will be repaired in surgery and his weight loss will ensure that it will not happen again. It will be a bit of a long road- he'll be on a liquid diet all next week (and probably be a super crank-ass) and again for the week after surgery. The following 8 weeks will be a "mushy" food phase where all 4 tablespoons of what he eats will be similar to the consistency of applesauce. THEN he'll go back to solids, but still considerably less. I would expect him to drop about 100lbs. by the end of the year. It will be a big change and a hard road, but in the long run- great for his health.

Is it wrong that I'm already thinking about the potential changes to his testosterone levels? I mean I guess it's possible that he'll drop a ton of weight and his hormone levels will normalize and then we won't need IVF in a year??? Dangerous thoughts for me. Anything is possble, though, right?

What would have been....

So today would have been my estimated egg retrival had we gone through IVF. ::le sigh::

Emotionally I've been doing ok. And then I figured out that it would have been today and I got a little sad. In my head, I know that waiting a year isn't a deal breaker. But in my heart it feels like there is just no end in sight to all of this.

The hardest part is that I'm afraid I will spend the next year watching everyone else move forward and I'll still be left behind. Still with no baby.

I just don't want to spend the next year sad. It will just be too much.

I'm Out. Yikes.

Katie from 3T inspired me to support National Infertility Awareness Week this week. She came up with these very good status updates that she is using on Facebook all week and I just posted the first one. Ok, so I'll admit that I edited it a bit so it's a tiny bit less personal, but same idea.

I'm nervous about the reaction. And not sure if I'll post anymore. I guess I could always just say I'm supporting a friend? But on the other hand- I feel like such a wuss doing that. I should be able to just own this and admit that we are having trouble. I always hate on people who can't own it. So I should. I should own it and stand up for people who are afraid to.

Yikes. Can I still delete my status update?