Super PISSED!

If you don't know already- I have become an active poster on The Bump's Trying to Get Pregnant (TTGP) message board. I think I would consider myself a regular there now that I've been posting for about 8 months. There is a terrible website called TTGP Post Secret. It's caused a lot of drama on the board. At first- I kind of liked reading them. You get to know who is calling out who, who is liked, who is secretly hated...gossipy kind of stuff.

My most recent visit to the website showed me the secret posted above and now I am SO pissed. I am SO tempted to wish terrible, horrible things on who ever wrote this. But after going through IF, I would never wish that on anyone. So if you posted this to that TERRIBLE website- YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. Karma is a bitch.

Still Bleh

Yesterday was crap. JC and I ended up arguing about all kinds of stupid crap. We went to bed not speaking to each other. And that's when the crying started. Not him, me. We ended up resolving things between us, but it lead us to a conversation about CD 1. Of course I was upset about it. Logically speaking- I shouldn't be. I know the odds are not in our favor to get pregnant without assistance. I know that it would pretty much be a medical miracle. I guess it's just a reminder of that each month. It just reminds me of the uncertainty of going through IVF and what happens if it doesn't work. It makes me nervous that JC and I will have to face not being able to have kids. I'm not sure what that means for us. I'm not sure if it means the same thing for him as it does for me. And I'm not sure what we would do about resolving those differences. That's a lot of uncertainty. And I'm a worry wart as it is. So that is never good.

I hate MFI. I wish that there was something wrong with me. I feel even more guilty for being upset about our infertility struggles because I think it makes JC feel terrible to see me upset. And I wish I could not be upset about it, but some days it just gets to me. Stupid Fvcking IF. I hate you. Bleh.

Ok. I feel better now. :)

Bleh

Every time I get my period it makes me remember how broken I feel sometimes. It makes me remember how scared I am that we'll never have children. It makes me feel bitter about all the people who take their pregnancy's for granted or neglect their children.

I wish I could be a glass half full kind of a girl. I'm a terrible worry-wart. And that just make all this worse.

A little while back I heard a quote that I taped to my computer screen today. I needed a little reminder.

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is to try just one more time." - Thomas Edison

Thankful Thursday

Today I have lots to be thankful for. Most of all I am thankful for MH. I'm glad she is physically ok after going through so much this weekend.

I am thankful that I know little Charlotte is watching over her.

Followers

Hi New Followers!

I love it that you're here with me on my journey. Thanks for reading.

PPH you all.

1 year down...

Sunday was my 1st Wedding Anniversary. My head was in a bit of a fog. I felt bad for being distracted, but with the recent news of the loss of Charlotte- it was hard to be in the moment.

Despite all else that was going on- I realized that I truly, truly married the BEST man for me. He is such a good partner in our relationship and so, so, so good to me. He expects nothing of me except for me to be myself. And that makes me love him even more.

Happy Anniversary JC- I love you the most.

Sad News

I got some of the saddest news I've heard in a long time yesterday. My good friend MH introduced me to The Bump when JC and I started trying to have babies early this year. She loved the community and got me involved. She got pregnant shortly after I began posting and her second little girl was due December 2nd. I got the terrible news on Saturday that MH lost her sweet baby at 37 weeks. I can't even imagine what she is going through. I am desperate to find something I can do to help, but right now all I can do is pray.

So please remember in your prayers little Charlotte Leigh- born sleeping 11/13/2010. She is a new angel in heaven.