Men are from Mars

JC says to me last night "I'll be ok if we can't have kids." Um, what? What did you say? Is this some kind of code for "I'm secretly upset about my swimmers being jacked up but I don't want to tell you that so I'm emotionally preparing myself for the fact that we may not be able to have children."??

We scratched the surface of the whole conversation about adoption, but the first comment threw me for such a loop that I couldn't even go there.

I mean I get it- he's upset. This is a pretty big blow to the man ego. But if you're upset- just be upset. That's allowed. Especially with me. I wish he would just show how he feels and not hold it all in. It makes me crazy.

Oh and PS- AF showed up today. Late, but not surprising. Always a good day.

Still can't figure this out.

Still can't figure out how to deal with all this. Maybe I'm just sad today. Maybe it's my raging PMS. I'm terrified of this...of dealing with infertility. JC acts like nothing happened and I am totally consumed by this overwhelming sadness. What happens if I get mad at him for that? What happens if he's not even upset about this? What happens if we can deal with this together?

It's all terrifying to me. Especially since I'm not really a glass is half full kinda girl. I'm hoping that after Thursday's appointment with the RE that I'll be able to at least have some more direction. Maybe?

Hail Mary?

I've been so consumed with everything that has been going on that I realized last night that I should get my period either today or tomorrow. For the past 5 months I've been testing like a crazy person for like 5 days before I expected AF. This time- Haven't even thought about it.

I mean I know what the doctor told me. But it just takes one, right? I just need one good sperm.

I tested this morning. BFN.

Yeah for me!

I made it through the whole day yesterday without crying. Win for me! JC and I had the chance to chat a bit about what might happen at the RE and what our choices might be. He's scared of the financial impact to us. I haven't even started to think about that part. I'm scared of all the drugs involved. Oh and scared that it won't work. All cart before the horse, clearly. I guess it's freaking me out because it seems like usually people go through a long series of treatments before getting into IVF territory. So it's a little bit like we're in the deep end of the pool and need some major floaties or a noodle or something. Total NOOBS in the IF world. We have a lot to learn!

I've been reading this book- The Infertilty Survival Handbook. You can find it here. It is awesome. It's written in this way where you feel like you are friends with the author and she's telling you all this stuff over a double tall soy mocha latte drink. It's just validated a lot of the lonely, scary feeling parts. Highly recommended. Thank you 3T Ladies for the good recommendation!

Thankful Thursday

In the midst of all this madness, I have so much to be thankful for.

I am thankful for my job. I work for a great company and have great co-workers.
I am thankful that JC and I have each other.
I am thankful for the handful of people who have listened to me cry for the last few days.

How does this work?

I have no idea how to deal with this.

How do I not cry every day because JC and I may never have children? How do I explain it to my family? How will I ever be able to go to a baby shower without having a break down? How do I not avoid people all together because faking it is just too hard right now?

I don't know how to do any of those things. Not yet.

I heart Pat McGee Band

There's nothin like waking up lonely
The weight of the world on your mind

You lay there and listen to your heart beat
And you try to stop wanting someone else's life

And you think about a change

You're looking so hard for the reasons
You swear that you'll figure it out

You find something else to believe in
And you don't know why everything is closing in

And you think about a change

-Maybe It's Time, Pat McGee Band