Thankful Thursday

In the midst of all this madness, I have so much to be thankful for.

I am thankful for my job. I work for a great company and have great co-workers.
I am thankful that JC and I have each other.
I am thankful for the handful of people who have listened to me cry for the last few days.

How does this work?

I have no idea how to deal with this.

How do I not cry every day because JC and I may never have children? How do I explain it to my family? How will I ever be able to go to a baby shower without having a break down? How do I not avoid people all together because faking it is just too hard right now?

I don't know how to do any of those things. Not yet.

I heart Pat McGee Band

There's nothin like waking up lonely
The weight of the world on your mind

You lay there and listen to your heart beat
And you try to stop wanting someone else's life

And you think about a change

You're looking so hard for the reasons
You swear that you'll figure it out

You find something else to believe in
And you don't know why everything is closing in

And you think about a change

-Maybe It's Time, Pat McGee Band

Today's Goal

I just wanted to make it through the day without crying at work. Guess that is not happening. I made it till almost 8am, though so I guess that is a bonus.

Men are from Mars

I always want him to have the same reaction to everything as I do. If I am upset about something- clearly he must be too, right?

We'll never have natural chidlren and while I sit here half crying and fixing my blog, he's downstairs cracking up watching re-runs of The Big Bang Theory.

I'm sure he's upset in his own way, right? I have to stop expecting a reaction from him or I will just feel disappointed or something.

Worst.Words.Ever

So today we got the results of JC's S/A.

I got a text from him that just said "Real Low. Not good. They told me to go see a fertility specialist".

Did you get any numbers? Did you ask any questions? GRRRRrrrrrr...When will he learn?? Of course I'm already upset and trying with everything I have to keep my shit together at work. (PS- didn't really work, only kind of)

After a lot of back and forth getting faxes- I get the report. No clue what I was thinking- like if I got the report I would just figure it out. So there I am in my cube googling "Normal Sperm Analysis". I'm sure my IT guy would have a field day with me lately. I leave a message for my doctor and give up on trying to translate the numbers.

She finally called right after 5pm. She explains all the numbers. His count is "exceedingly low". So low that they couldn't even get a measure of morphology or motility. Awesome.

Then she said the worst thing ever to me. "If the numbers stay as they are, you will never be able to have children naturally." Worst.Words.Ever. It was like someone had just pulled all the air out of the room and I couldn't get a breath to save my life. My eyes are almost swollen shut.

Tomorrow I call the RE.

I am a blogging fail.

I for real suck at blogging. I promise to try to be better. So much has happened in the last few weeks. Where do I even start?!?

So let me update you. Sit back. This might be a long one.

JC (Husband's new alias) has been having strange pain in his side after he eats for a little while now. To me- it sounds like gall bladder problems. I *finally* convince him that he needs to go see a doctor about it. The GI Specialist sends him for an ultrasound of his gall bladder. The results show that his gall bladder is a-ok, but his liver- not so much. Fatty Liver Disease. I get to googling (clearly) and find out that this may or may not be connected to the hormone issues that he's having and we wait to see the urologist.

JC goes to urologist ALONE. Mistake #1. I now know that JC will never go to important doctors appointments alone. Ever. He sucks at the question asking part. Urologist tells him- sure- take Androgel. It won't hurt the swimmers and will fix your liver too. Oh and go get this semen analysis done. If it comes back bad- go see a fertility specialist. UM, HELLO. TONS of questions in between all those statements. Does JC ask any of them? Negative. So frustrating. But I digress. After a fair amount of googling and asking the girls on the boards (wonderful ladies- they are so helpful, really) I've been told that Androgel is a big no-no. I put the kabosh on him taking that stuff until we have more information.

I go to a new OB. I tell her my whole story- Rheumatoid Arthritis, Gastric Bypass (not sure I mentioned that...I had weight loss surgery like 3 years ago), Low Testosterone- the whole business. She does some reading while I'm sitting there and tells me that I should go back on my arthritis meds. They will be safe for TTGP and while I'm pregnant as well. THANK YOU GOD! That will make a HUGE difference in my quality of life. She tells me that I should send JC to a fertility clinic for the S/A- not a regular lab and writes me an order.

JC whines like a baby about providing the sample. I tell him to shut it multiple times and he complies. We turned in the sample last Monday and began to wait.